Need reassurance ...

forgodssake

Hi all
Basically last year came out of a 18 year relationship. One that knocked my self esteem and confidence badly . Only positive thing is I have 3 wonderful kids . Ive been going out a bit on the weekends but find as soon as I mention my children interest is zero. Has anyone else come up against this. I dont want to do online dating I'd rather meet someone the old fashioned way!! Starting to feel like im gonna be alone forever . Any advice appreciated x

leggo

I wouldn't knock online dating. It is scary and you have to wade through the mud, but don't rule out anything if one thing isn't working for you. There's no shame in it anymore either, once it was considered an avenue for lonely people, nowadays everyone is doing it and, in fact, I was reading an article the other week that said more people who met online stayed together than people who met off. And it makes sense: you get to really vet someone and get to know them before you even meet them. Whereas the pub is a bit of a pot luck exercise, you have to meet someone (while both under the influence) and hope to be able to mash your lives together and click on so many levels after a chance meeting. After a relationship that didn't work out, I've been on a few dates with someone I met online who ticks so many of my boxes it's actually mental and it's going great so far, and I wouldn't have found them if not for me looking online.

The trick to finding someone is proactivity. If you're proactive, I have absolutely no doubt you'll meet someone great. Stay positive too and see it as an adventure rather than this big ominous search. It's exciting: every time you go out or send/receive a message you could end up talking to the person who makes you happier than you ever imagined.

Sallysore

forgodssake wrote: »

Hi all
Basically last year came out of a 18 year relationship. One that knocked my self esteem and confidence badly . Only positive thing is I have 3 wonderful kids . Ive been going out a bit on the weekends but find as soon as I mention my children interest is zero. Has anyone else come up against this. I dont want to do online dating I'd rather meet someone the old fashioned way!! Starting to feel like im gonna be alone forever . Any advice appreciated x

Well fair play to you getting out and about. You won't be alone forever, plenty of single parents around nowadays.
Out of interest, how do you get out on the weekends being a single mother with 3 kids? We have one daughter and the missus hardly gets out at all. Do you have a babysitter and if so where do you find a reliable babysitter who is trustworthy?

forgodssake

Sallysore wrote:

Well fair play to you getting out and about. You won't be alone forever, plenty of single parents around nowadays. Out of interest, how do you get out on the weekends being a single mother with 3 kids? We have one daughter and the missus hardly gets out at all. Do you have a babysitter and if so where do you find a reliable babysitter who is trustworthy?

They stay with theyre dad most weekends ! Have only ever had family and close friends babysitting in the past .

ManOfMystery

What age are your kids? I know it probably doesn't sound relevant, but it may be. I'm playing devil's advocate here but if someone meets in a bar, then goes out on a date with a potential view to pursuing a long term relationship (rather than a fling or casual thing), then you have to accept that if they're informed of 3 relatively young (?) children in the mix also . . . . . that's a very different proposition to just hooking up with a single childless person.

I'm not saying it's right or fair, but that's just the reality of the situation. They're taking on a young family then. And maybe you're not looking farther ahead than the next date, but in their head they could be thinking about where it would go longterm - are they going to be stepping into a paternal role of sorts? Is it going to be difficult to get private time together? Is there going to be issue with the kid's biological father? These things do go through people's heads like it or not.

I know online dating doesn't appeal to you, but I think you really should give it a chance and see what happens - what have you got to lose? At least with a dating profile there's no surprises - you can proudly state to the world that you have 3 kids, and the guys who are interested will know this and will have no reservations if they get in touch. There's plenty of single fathers on there too who face the same conundrum.

Big Bag of Chips

Sallysore wrote: »

We have one daughter and the missus hardly gets out at all.

Do you go out often? Could your wife/partner not go out occasionally with you staying with your baby? Quite often new parents don't get to go out too often together. But so long as each parent gets a break regularly it should be ok. You can go out together a bit further down the road. When children start school you meet more people, make more friends and have more support.

Back to you, OP. Why not give online dating a go? As they say "don't knock it til you've tried it"! My cousin is separated with one child. A couple of years ago she met a lovely man through online dating who has full custody of his 3 children. Last year they all moved in together and are very very VERY happy! Yes, you might have to go through a few awkward meetings before meeting someone you are genuinely interested in. But if you go out with the intention of just meeting someone and having a bit of no pressure fun, then you won't be too upset if things don't click with a few people. Also, online you can sort of "window shop"! Genuine people will generally be honest and say if they have children or not. If they are interested in children etc. You can still continue to go out and maybe meet someone the old fashioned way, but keep your options open for other ways to meet people.

forgodssake

ManOfMystery wrote:

What age are your kids? I know it probably doesn't sound relevant, but it may be. I'm playing devil's advocate here but if someone meets in a bar, then goes out on a date with a potential view to pursuing a long term relationship (rather than a fling or casual thing), then you have to accept that if they're informed of 3 relatively young (?) children in the mix also . . . . . that's a very different proposition to just hooking up with a single childless person.

hi thanks for the reply . my kids are 12 , 9 and 7 . I agree with you completely .

ManOfMystery

Ok, so at the moment you're looking at meeting people the traditional way - in bars or clubs or whatever. The other option we've thrown is in online dating, as bboc has said above it allows you to 'window shop' to a certain degree. It may not sound appealing to you but really, dating is dating really - these are just different ways of making that initial introduction.

What about other avenues for meeting new people - do you pursue any hobbies? Attend any regular things with the kids, e.g. sports or hobbies, etc?

forgodssake

ManOfMystery wrote:

What about other avenues for meeting new people - do you pursue any hobbies? Attend any regular things with the kids, e.g. sports or hobbies, etc?

anything we go to it seems only to be the mothers with them!! all my friends are in relationships so it's hard to even find someone to drag out with me sometimes . its hard being lonely and I do t want to come across as desperate I'm just finding it so difficult to meet someone . also I'm afraid if I go for online dating that it will be another confidence knock if no one picks me !! god its like being back at school

Big Bag of Chips

There are things that you can sign up to that you don't need a friend to go along and hold your hand! You could try a night class. Or a hobby group. Running? It's daunting going in to something new on your own, but I've found the majority of people are very welcoming. If you were a member of an established group and saw somebody new coming in, wouldn't you make them feel welcome?!

Edit: There have been 2 weddings out of our local drama group Both couples are a mixture of onstage people and behind the scenes people! So if acting isn't your thing, props and prompting might be!!

My friend met her husband through a running group.

ManOfMystery

forgodssake wrote: »

anything we go to it seems only to be the mothers with them!! all my friends are in relationships so it's hard to even find someone to drag out with me sometimes . its hard being lonely and I do t want to come across as desperate I'm just finding it so difficult to meet someone . also I'm afraid if I go for online dating that it will be another confidence knock if no one picks me !! god its like being back at school

None of your dating avenues are mutually exclusive. You can continue going to pubs and trying it that way, but you could also have an online dating profile too.

If anything, I think online dating would be better for your confidence as any interested suitors will know from your profile that you have children, so if they choose to contact you afterwards then that obviously isn't an issue for them. That's better surely than going on a date with a guy from a pub, telling him you have kids midway through the date and then he disappears or doesn't follow up with a second date?