Don't know where I'm going in life, feeling hopeless

LegacyUser

Hi I am posting here in the hopes that somebody may have been through similar and come out the other side or even if I'm being melodramatic I'd also be interested in replies.
So I am a girl of 28, 29 in a few days and I've been reflecting a bit on where I am and where I'm going in life. To the outside world I have a really good life, permanent job that I enjoy, financially secure etc. My best friend would describe me as the most independent person she knows and in some ways she is right. I didn't have the easiest childhood and have gone through relationship break ups, bullying in my job and I have come out the other side. I am a different person now than I was 3 years ago as the bullying in my job resulted in me having to be a tougher person, show confidence and I am proud to say now that if the same situation was to occur again I would be able to deal with it.
I do my own thing, and have my own interests mainly gaa, music and running. I have learned to be happy with the person I am in many respects. But there is this feeling inside me over the last few weeks and months that I'm just drifting along. I am single and would absolutely love to meet someone but relationships never work out for me. In some ways I probably come across super confident in myself but I think my insecurities have ruined two "maybe" relationships in the past as once I got the gut feeling, whether right or wrong, that the guy was losing interest I can out and asked him as such and if they wanted to leave things just let me know. That seemed to be the death knell of those budding romances. I wouldn't rate myself as being amazing looking by any stretch of the imagination but I have a good figure, nice smile and I'm definitely not ugly. I have always felt like I was invisible to guys. Going back to my teenage days and early twenties all of my friends had various guys from where we live interested in them and texting them but I had none of that. I used to hear their stories of two and three guys texting them that we knew but none of them ever showed interest in me.
I would consider myself a friendly person one on one and some of my friends have said they always like the way I can hold a conversation with anybody. So I don't know if guys never approached me because I came across as being unfriendly or too friendly or what but it still sticks in my mind that I was never shown any interest. I often do get approached by guys but the last three times they were pushy asking me questions like what did they have to do to get a date, what questions would I like to know in order to agree to going on a date etc. This was all after 5 minutes of talking and seemed a bit much.
I guess the real issue here is that I really don't know who I am. In some ways I am confident and happy, yet I am so lonely in my life at the moment. It's my birthday in a few days and even though I wouldn't like to be a burden on my friends, none of them have asked if I was doing anything or if I'd like to go for dinner or coffee. All bar one of them are in relationships and they spend their whole weekend with their boyfriends/fiances so I feel like by asking I would inconvenience them in some way. I am spending the weekend on my own because I couldn't go home to my parents to be faced with questions about why I wasn't doing anything for my birthday. I realise that it is up to me to do things that make myself happy and I have something nice planned for myself later on today but it would be nice to not have to do things on my own.
I love my job but I only work with two other people, both in their 40s and while we get on great it's maybe not the best workplace to make friends or to do things socially. There are no permanent jobs in my field at the moment and I am wary of that because where I am is permanent and is a job for life and they don't come by too easily. I have savings to buy a house and it's something that's been going through my head at the moment. The houses I am interested are back nearer my family and I could still commute to work. In one sense buying a house makes me excited because it's something I can do myself and I enjoy my own company to a point but the last few weeks has me thinking if I'm lonely at the moment living with two other girls, I'd be twice as bad living on my own.
I look at friends planning their weddings, building houses and I just feel so hopeless. I want it to happen for me and I would always loved to meet someone and have kids etc but it seems so far away now, maybe it will never happen. I put on a face in front of my friends that it doesn't bother me and I'm always happy and doing my thing but inside it upsets me. One friend who I would have been so close to has completely changed since she moved in with her boyfriend. She contacted me a month ago on a daily basis as I had information for her on a course she wanted to do and she hasn't contacted me since. The last time we were due to meet up she said she couldn't because she promised she would have her boyfriends dinner on the table when he got home. I just feel at the moment that I'm going nowhere and I'm tired of pretending I'm miss happy, independent etc because I am just finding things very hard at the moment and I don't know where to go or who to turn to.
Hopefully some of that made sense and sorry for the length of the post.

Merkin

It strikes me that you have an inherent dependence on other people to make you happy. You talk about your friends not organising anything for your birthday and being busy with their own lives. The fact you're working with people who are older than you. Similarly you feel that a boyfriend will make you happy.

I know it's a cliche but happiness really really has to start with yourself and if you want something then you have to be proactive. I remember turning 21 and a group of friends organised a surprise party for me (after I'd been out for a meal). What a surprise, there must have been about 200 people there and I was so honoured and delighted. But I can't think of any other time I've had a party organised for me. I love birthdays and celebrate every year but I always say to my friends that I fancy going here and would they be free to go on the rip to celebrate with me, I'd certainly never be waiting on someone to organise something for me, people have their own lives!

I think you need to take the bull by the horns a bit and take a more lighthearted approach to life. It's great you've saved up for a house etc but it sounds like having a bit of fun should be your priority now. It seems like you might be quite inexperienced with dating and the nuances of same so would you maybe consider online dating so you can at least practice? Nothing heavy, just go on some dates to help you figure out what it is you're doing right and wrong and hopefully have a few laughs along the way?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply. I was on tinder twice over the last two years. The first time I met a lovely guy and we were seeing each other for a few months but I ended it as in my gut something didn't feel right about us in the long term and I didn't develop any strong feelings for him. I met two guys since then on tinder and after a few dates I felt they weren't interested in me anymore and whether they were or they weren't, things fizzled out between us. I was a bit disappointed with how things finished with one of the guys as I felt things were going somehwere and felt very good about us. And then over the course of a week he just changed, cancelled a few times and contact all but dropped.
I don't know what one would consider being experienced with guys but I have had 6 partners sexually and had 3 boyfriends, all only lasting 4 or 5 months max. I have been seeing and gone on dates with numerous guys over the years.
In one sense I am confident in myself, I generally feel good about life and always had the attitude if I met someone great, and if not I'll get on with my life. I guess over the last few months as everyone is pairing off and I'm left behind I just feel I'm missing out. I am always happy for friends when they get engaged, meet someone new but I can't help feeling sad that I've never even been close to this stage and what's wrong with me that I can't meet that special someone. If you had spoken to me earlier on this year I would never have said that or felt this sense of loneliness/hopelessness. It just seems to have crept up over the last few months.

supremenovice

I can relate to you OP. Im a 34yo guy, also single and wondering where Im going with my life, especially relationship-wise. I find it particularly hard on Sunday nights for some reason, I guess its the quietest time of the week when most people are chilling out on the couch and it would be nice to have someone to share that with.
Recently, I got a taste of what it might be like to meet someone amazing but unfortunately, she didnt feel the same and it ended after a few weeks of dating. A small part of me hoped that she'd change her mind but realistically that wont happen. Until recently, I wasnt sure if long-term relationship leading to marriage and kids would suit me but now I have to say I think that is the way I want to go. First things first though, Id love to meet someone and have that special connection and enjoy everything that goes with it.
I won't give you advice or anything, all Ill say is that I can relate to your thoughts you have. You mentioned possibly buying a house which is a milestone in life but its more under your control than the lottery of meeting someone special, i.e you save the money, you have a steady job, bank approves mortgage and you buy a house, where as in love and relationships ANYTHING can happen at ANYTIME and a lot is outside your control.
Its easy for me to say but keep your self-esteem up which is important in attracting guys, and I guess girls too so I suppose I should listen to myself, but sometimes we just need to let it out and feel sad for a while in order to reset and get back out there.

LegacyUser

Hi supremenovice,
Quite a lot of your post resonated with me. I do get that lonely feeling on Sunday nights aswell, your mind wanders thinking about what everyone who is coupled up is doing and it can increase the negative thoughts going around in your head.
I hope it doesn't come across as me being full of myself when I say this but I consider myself a normal girl. In reading some of the relationship issues on here and the way some girls go on while in relationships, it has entered my head that I know I'm not prone to possessive, attention seeking behaviour, I believe in both people in a relationship having independence to follow their own interests. I am friendly, up for a laugh and open to new experiences.People have said to me that they can't understand why I am single as to their eye,I have so much going for me. Hearing things like this makes it all the more hard to be constantly doing things on my own, going to weddings etc.

I have a family wedding in December and out of 14 cousins I will be the only one going on my own and things like that on the horizon make me all the more aware of my situation. I don't know where I seem to be going and now that life isn't quite working out the way I'd have hoped, it's hard to change your train of thought. How do you keep your self-confidence when you've never had a serious relationship or when all your friends are coupled up and you're the only one left? It's like my disappointment at not having a relationship and possibly never will meet the one, is impacting other areas of my life but I'm not sure how to change my train of thought.