Shes moving in with her ex husband. Advice please

brokenwingzzz

Hi everyone. Please help as im at my wits end. I met a girl at work 7 months ago and we started seeing eachother. She had been split up from her husband at the time. She has a child with him. Shes 25 im 36. Basically we have been getting to know eachother really well but never became official. She is from a different race and religion and i think she feels its quite taboo us being official, not to mention how her son might feel. The ex husband texts her and meets her nearly every day because of the kid. She tells me he really wants to get back together but she doesnt fancy him. So i never know where i stand with her. Feels like she doesnt feel the ssme way about me as i do her. anyway i met her today after not meeting for two weeks, and she says she is selling the house to find a bigger house next to a school they wsnt their son to be in. She says they will have separate rooms and maybe will learn to be friends. She says its for her son she is doing it because everytime they are all together the son who is two years old btw, tries to get them all to hug tightly and kiss etc. She says her son needs to have a mammy and daddy.
So basically i tried to ask her to think of all of the optiins before jumping into it but she became very defensive. I got in a huff and ended our meeting. She walked off in a mood. I texted saying im hurt because she is moving in with her ex and to think of how i feel. She just replied being bitchy saying she wont share anything with me if this is how i react etc...
I honestly feel like she is treating me like crap and the lavk of commitment etc makes me think this is going nowhere. Im hoping someone can advise as to what i should do, i fancy her and care a lot about her but i wonder if it is worth the headache.

Ursus Horribilis

She has chosen to move back in with her husband so it's over.

Anyway, this relationship looks like it had too much drama and baggage. A race (and religion?) issue that could be troublesome. An ex husband who was never too far away. A child. A woman who didn't seem as invested in the relationship as you were. It's probably for the best that it's over.

dee_mc

You're her rebound relationship after the recent breakdown of her marriage which came soon after the birth of her first child.
Is she in the right frame of mind to be in a new relationship with you? Probably not.
Is it a good idea for her to move in with her former husband 'for the sake of their kid' with the added complication that he wants to get back together with her? Probably not.
You need to let her make her own decision though. A few months or years down the line maybe you can have a proper relationship with her but right now it's way too complicated - I'd say end it now before you become too invested in it all.
If you really love her and genuinely see a future with her (and her child and her ex, all part of the package) maybe it's worth a shot but it doesn't sound like she's that into it so you could be fighting a losing battle there.

leggo

Yeah OP, sad but straightforward enough. Is that how you act when you're trying your best to make a relationship work because it's important enough? Don't get strung along like a fool here. She's got a lot going on and may mean well, but she's clearly not available for what you think this is or could be.

Big Bag of Chips

I think she is very confused. She's young, married, separated, has a small child and a persistent (ex) husband. She probably doesn't really know what she actually wants. She wants the typical family life for her child, but at the same time she has realised that she is not in love with her husband. But if he is persistent enough, she might think that maybe they can eventually make it work, or fall back in love. You, whether you like it or not, were the bit on the side. She didn't want to fully commit to you, because she hadn't fully decided her marriage was definitely over. Now attacking you with bitchy replies is just her trying to defend herself.

I actually feel very sorry for. It would have taken a lot of courage for her to walk away from her marriage, especially with a small child, but now her husband has convinced her to buy a house together, in an area close to a school that the child won't be going to for another 3 years. And she believes she owes it to her child to at least try it.. The aftermath of any relationship breakdown is confusing. There's nearly always doubts or questions about whether or not they should get back together. It takes a very strong person in that situation to stay away.

I think almost everyone can see this is a terrible idea and is not going to work long-term. It might work long-term in the sense that they will live together for the next 20 years with her being deeply unhappy stuck in a loveless marriage all for the sake of her child. She will not be able to have any other relationships because it will always have to be kept secret. She can't pretend to her son that they are one big happy family and then introduce a partner at some stage.

For your own sake you need to back off now. It will almost certainly fall apart. But at the moment she needs the space to figure it all out without the added complication of a secret relationship. It's going to be difficult for you, but she's not available.

retro:electro

I don't feel sorry for her. I think she sounds cute as anything (and not in the adorable sense of the word) and is deflecting every decision and not taking responsibility for anything. "Ex wants to meet me everyday, what can I do?" "The kid wants us to kiss and cuddle, what can I do?". If she really didn't want to move back in with him, then she wouldn't, and they would make it work for the kid like millions of other mothers and fathers do. The reality is she wants to live with him. And she wants to keep you on the sidelines incase it doesn't work out. I know people like this and I've seen them in action. She is well able to go and isn't as meek minded as she would have you believe, her cheeky reply to you after you got upset is testament to this. I'm not saying she doesn't like you, she probably does, but at the same time she's playing you for a fool. Have you ever given her money or anything?

Merkin

I'd be running off in the opposite direction at the speed of lightening. She doesn't seem to be taking responsibility for anything and everything just seems to be happening TO her. Don't be manipulated. Cut ties and wish her well.

Big Bag of Chips

My friend left her abusive, alcoholic drug addict husband. She left him a few times and akways went back, even though she knew she didn't love him. She always went back, and always believed the promises of things being different. She eventually left him a couple of year ago in June. She met someone else in August and was seeing him occasionally. At Christmas her ex asked her back again, 'for the sake of the children'. He promised her everything would change. He'd sort himself out etc.

She genuinely considered it.

She knew in her heart, and head, that it could never work. She knew if the fella she was seeing ever thought she was even considering it he would be devastated But she genuinely genuinely thought about it.... What stopped her? Christmas morning when they were altogether opening Santy presents her ex got the hump about something and threw a large wooden ornament at her head, while their son sat on the floor between them playing with him toys. Up to that point, she honestly thought about moving back in with him. Even though she didn't love him, and hadn't for a very long time. Even though she was happier with the new fella than she would have been if she went back to her husband. She still talks about it and wonders why on earth she ever gave it serious thought.

Marriage break ups aren't as simple as people might believe. They can be long, complicated, drawn out and confusing for everyone involved. Don't be too quick to think she's just having a bit of fun with you both. I doubt any of this is 'fun' for her.

Edit: her husband on the other hand couldn't believe that she would consider it , "lead him on" (as he saw it) and then not do it. He had no fault or part in her leaving, in his eyes. Has never had any fault in the breakup. It's always always been her fault. She had moved out with the children, because he wouldn't (sure, it wasn't his fault) and they discussed her moving back in. Separate rooms. She stayed Christmas Eve night so the children would wake up for Santy Christmas morning and they would all be together (at her husband's request!) And then he throws something at her because things weren't moving in his direction as quick as he liked. And then he wondered why she decided not to move back in! He actually told me she was a bitch for talking to him about it, letting him believe she'd come back and then ripping it out from under him... Seriously!

Marriage breakups are messy!

brokenwingzzz

Thanks so much for all the replies. Ive really wrestled with this the past few days. Its amazing we were sitting there about to book a holiday and i asked about the house issue and she tells me this. Its exactly like you say. Im her good time toy to pick up when she likes. Her last message was nasty saying she thinks i should mind my own business until i go and experience life as she has, ie the pressure shes feeling.. i found it insulting shes disregarding me and my life experience.. it shows a lack of respect for me. The thing is that she makes me feel amazing when im with her and its hard to just let go of all weve built up together. A part of me thinks if i just hang in there for another 6 months maybe she will realise how foolish shes being and realise she should change things and be with me. But there seems to be a reality under the surface that i dont want to face up to which is that things could be so much easier if i just moved on.

Taltos

I'm sorry OP but don't hang in there. Her outlook is all about her, her life experiences, her pressures. It will always be about her, "I only had the affair because you made me", "I only slept with my ex because he understands me" etc etc.

Cut all contact, delete and block her number as very shortly she will come back sniffing around promising you that she's changed and she now sees what you meant but none of it will be for real. People (users) like her don't change, they just find another mark to make themselves feel better about their crappy lives.

Big Bag of Chips

Yeah, for your own sake you need to let this one go. She will discover down the line that what she's doing can never work, and she will almost certainly be back. But the drama she'll bring with her just isn't worth it. You will always be on edge with her.

I do believe she doesn't know whether she's coming or going, but you shouldn't wait around for her to figure it out. It could take years. And you will never become 'official'.

I hope you didn't book that holiday.

Ursus Horribilis

I was sitting on the fence on the question of whether she was a woman caught up by circumstance or was a manipulative mé féiner. After your latest update, I've plumped for the latter.

Leaving aside how great you feel when you're with her, what else does this relationship having going for it? You've presumably been skulking around because you couldn't make it "official". You've admitted that you're her good time toy. Instead of being led by your hormones and the idea of what you could be if only the ex husband wasn't sniffing around, take a closer look at how she's treating you. There is absolutely no need for her to be as nasty as she has been over the decision she made. Instead of dreaming and making up scenarios in your head, think of the lack of respect she has for you and the nasty messages.

Yellow pack crisps

Apart from anything else it would just be the weirdest thing in the world to continue this relationship. Like seriously there would be a whole side to her that you will never see and know. She is trouble. Life does not have to be like that.

retro:electro

How convienent she was going to let you book the holiday before she dropped this massive relationship altering bombshell on you. Of course she was. Run.

Xterminator

HI OP

Her child is the no.1 person in her life. Probably always will be. Can you handle that? If it comes to a choice between you and the child's interest - you will not win.

As i see it you have a decision to make. and that is do you wish to pursue this relationship, knowing the above fact. She will never place her commitment to you above her child. Is she worth it to you?

If no , your question is answered and you have your solution. Cut and run.

If you say yes, then it stays complicated. Assuming you say yes; you should meet her on neutral ground, tell her you regret anything said in anger, and that you are willing to give her all the space she needs. As has been said already, moving in with her X is a disaster 9 times out of 10. And if your willing to wait - you may yet get the girl. In fact if it ends badly she may need somewhere to stay.

I wouldn't pay too much attention to the opinions of strangers on the internet about whether to run, or stay and fight for her. Consult your heart instead. If you walk away , due to wounded pride, will you regret it later? If you stay and waste another year or 2, being strung along, then it ends how will that make you feel?

brokenwingzzz

So she broke the 4 day silence earlier just asking if i was busy. I didnt teply then she sent me a long message basically saying that we would have to agree to disagree and that she would prefer to leave it on good terms sending me a meme that says 'you were a beautiful time in my life, and if thats all youll ever be, then thats ok. Not all art is destined to hang on the same walls forever.' When i read it i felt pretty terrible and a bit numb. Like its actually over. It feels a bit like this was a formality for her and maybe it is..
A part of me wants to just leave it and not respond. A part of me wants to say that im insulted she disregarded the life experiences and hurt ive had. But i think im going to respond and acknowledge her pressures and advise its best if im not in her life as we are both under strain and likely to keep arguing, and maybe if things change and she feels differently to give me a call.
I dont know.. life sucks sometimes.

leggo

Be careful with the whole, "If things don't work out with the other guy, call me," line of thinking. It's like an open invitation for users to mess you around more, expect a call every time they have an argument and then to be thrown right back into the circle of drama again shortly afterward. You're better off cutting your losses, grieving for this for however long that takes, then starting fresh with someone new (without this baggage!) when you're ready to do so.

There may be a future for you two down the line, who knows? But right now she's gotta sort out her own personal stuff and do so in her own time, leaving the door open like that just lets you continue to be a doormat if she wants one. If she does sort it out and take all the necessary steps for things to work between you two, you mean that much to her that she'll definitely get back in touch without you needing to leave the door open.

In reality, though, these things tend not to come back around. You have a window with someone and when that's shut, it's over. If she does do all of that and finish with this guy eventually, chances are she'll meet someone new, and the best odds are that her situation could take years to clear up with a house involved now so you could be married by the time it does for all you know. Making a clean, amicable break is probably your best solution.

Big Bag of Chips

Don't reply. It won't get you anywhere and it will just open the door to her to keep a conversation going.

Block her number and the delete it from your contacts. No good can come of being in touch with her.

Shint0

Being from a different race/religion/culture there can sometimes be pressure to keep up appearances and maintain the status of the families involved. There might well be pressure from the families for them to reunite. Even if they live separately in the house the fact is she has a child and she is putting the child's welfare first. If she didn't have a child it might be easier for her to finish with her husband but the child is her priority here over any relationship she might want for herself.

ManOfMystery

brokenwingzzz wrote: »

So she broke the 4 day silence earlier just asking if i was busy. I didnt teply then she sent me a long message basically saying that we would have to agree to disagree and that she would prefer to leave it on good terms sending me a meme that says 'you were a beautiful time in my life, and if thats all youll ever be, then thats ok. Not all art is destined to hang on the same walls forever.' When i read it i felt pretty terrible and a bit numb. Like its actually over. It feels a bit like this was a formality for her and maybe it is..
A part of me wants to just leave it and not respond. A part of me wants to say that im insulted she disregarded the life experiences and hurt ive had. But i think im going to respond and acknowledge her pressures and advise its best if im not in her life as we are both under strain and likely to keep arguing, and maybe if things change and she feels differently to give me a call.
I dont know.. life sucks sometimes.

Unfortunately her words and actions pretty much say it all. You were a distraction/fun for her, nothing more. If she genuinely loved you she'd be making a bigger effort to keep things going, and would be more upset at breaking up than what she sounds like at the moment - which to me is slightly dismayed at worst.

Have some self respect and don't contact her again, or give her a door back into your life by saying to her to give you a call if she feels differently. You should value yourself more - you don't have to be #2 (or in her case, #3 or #4!) in anyone's life. The world has billions of females, there are plenty out there who will place you at #1.

batmanrobin

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Unfortunately her words and actions pretty much say it all. You were a distraction/fun for her, nothing more. If she genuinely loved you she'd be making a bigger effort to keep things going, and would be more upset at breaking up than what she sounds like at the moment - which to me is slightly dismayed at worst.

Have some self respect and don't contact her again, or give her a door back into your life by saying to her to give you a call if she feels differently. You should value yourself more - you don't have to be #2 (or in her case, #3 or #4!) in anyone's life. The world has billions of females, there are plenty out there who will place you at #1.

Second this. OP, when you invite someone to treat you as their backup plan that is exactly how they will treat you.

Have some self respect, delete and block this woman and move forward with your life. Consider the experience a lesson learned.