Slightly awkward situation with housemate

LegacyUser

I am sharing a house at the moment and have a bit of an awkward problem.
Basically, one of my housemates has a personal hygiene problem and the rest of us don't know how to deal with it. Her boyfriend (who lives here too) doesn't seem to notice it but everyone else, both inside and outside the house definitely does.
She doesn't seem to shower very often or wash her clothes much, she is also quite messy. We also strongly suspect she is mildly autistic (she has autistic siblings and shows all the typical traits herself quite strongly), but has not been diagnosed for whatever reasons. Hints are no good because she can be quite oblivious (not her fault!).
Her boyfriend is aware that we think this also and agrees. She's well-educated, working and otherwise pretty capable of day-to-day things.

The smell in the house can be pretty bad at times (to the point of overpowering) and it can be hard to prepare food in the kitchen once she's been there because the smell lingers quite badly.
We don't want to upset either of them but are not sure how to approach it- it has gotten to a point where we need to say something.
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this gently? Thanks.

BetsyEllen

Gosh that's a really, really difficult situation and I don't envy you at all.

Can I ask, how does the boyfriend know what you think and how do you know he agrees?

Obviously there was a conversation regarding it, how did it come up and what did he say?
I'm baffled that someone that smells so bad has a partner who is aware of it but is still, well, their partner!

I ask what he said as I wonder was there any indication given that she may already be aware of it, has had something said to her in the past etc.

As for ways of approaching it, I guess the only way is it be direct, although it will be an incredibly awkward experience I'm sure.

Also, who says it out of the housemates? I would feel that all saying it together (ie a house meeting) would be good as she may feel very embarrassed in front of all of you.

Aye Bosun

Unfortunately, telling someone they smell is never going to be an easy conversation. You can't pussy foot around the issue either, you've just got be blunt and tell her how it is.
I had to tell a girl in my office once, she'd never even heard of deodorant before, I offered to bring to Boots and get some and we picked up some nice shampoos and shower gel etc. It was mad cause a soon we walk into the boots she was all over buying stuff and curious about so many things..almost like she'd never had the nerve to go in to chemist on her own before as she was too afraid to ask for help. Anyway over the next few month we'd go to boots together and she finally built up the confidence to go in on her own..a new girl emerged from her shell over the following year, that was long time ago and we're still great friends. She has only every mention my intervention once to thank me, she never had any sisters and her mother was pretty useless, she just need someone to hold her hand and show her the ropes.
Best of luck OP, not an easy conversation to have, be nice but blunt and offer to help where you can, you just don't how she was brought up and might not know any better, but I guarantee you she is already aware of the problem herself!

BetsyEllen

Aye Bosun wrote: »

Unfortunately, telling someone they smell is never going to be an easy conversation. You can't pussy foot around the issue either, you've just got be blunt and tell her how it is.
I had to tell a girl in my office once, she'd never even heard of deodorant before, I offered to bring to Boots and get some and we picked up some nice shampoos and shower gel etc. It was mad cause a soon we walk into the boots she was all over buying stuff and curious about so many things..almost like she'd never had the nerve to go in to chemist on her own before as she was too afraid to ask for help. Anyway over the next few month we'd go to boots together and she finally built up the confidence to go in on her own..a new girl emerged from her shell over the following year, that was long time ago and we're still great friends. She has only every mention my intervention once to thank me, she never had any sisters and her mother was pretty useless, she just need someone to hold her hand and show her the ropes.
Best of luck OP, not an easy conversation to have, be nice but blunt and offer to help where you can, you just don't how she was brought up and might not know any better, but I guarantee you she is already aware of the problem herself!

How did you approach the situation with her and what exactly did you say?

Aye Bosun

I brought her out for lunch and ensured we were off in a quite corner and just said I have something difficult to speak to you about, told her she was lovely girl, well liked in the office etc but her personal hygiene was putting people off. There were a few tears (to be expected) and she was mortified, but I reassure it wasn't a big deal and something very easily corrected.

Once we hit the chemist we never actually spoke of it again until quite a few years later when she thanked me. She would just come to me and ask me out for lunch which was like our silent que to go hit boots up after without us every mentioning a word about!

Everyone will take it differently, but my advise is be blunt but gentle and be there as a friend too.

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone for the responses!

BetsyEllen wrote: »

Gosh that's a really, really difficult situation and I don't envy you at all.

Can I ask, how does the boyfriend know what you think and how do you know he agrees?

Obviously there was a conversation regarding it, how did it come up and what did he say?
I'm baffled that someone that smells so bad has a partner who is aware of it but is still, well, their partner!

I ask what he said as I wonder was there any indication given that she may already be aware of it, has had something said to her in the past etc.

As for ways of approaching it, I guess the only way is it be direct, although it will be an incredibly awkward experience I'm sure.

Also, who says it out of the housemates? I would feel that all saying it together (ie a house meeting) would be good as she may feel very embarrassed in front of all of you.

Sorry, I wasn't very clear there!
What I meant to say is that the possibility of her being autistic herself came up when we were talking about her brother (he is diagnosed). I gently suggested it and he agreed it was possible.
I said nothing about the smell because I wasn't sure at the time how to approach it without sounding cruel. I'm not sure if he notices the smell because he didn't give any indication as such, but I'd be amazed if he didn't because it can be very bad at times! I'm wondering if he thinks we simply don't notice...

Everyone else in the house notices it. We've all confirmed it with each other too- I thought it was just me until I asked them. People outside the house have also commented on it independently.

She has soaps and the rest, but just rarely seems to use them or wash anything. We have a washing machine and dryer- money is not an issue there either. Its a very strange situation.

looksee

Maybe she has no sense of smell! Seriously, if her sense of smell is impaired she would have no reason to be aware of personal odour. Which of course would make the situation even more difficult as she will not know what you are talking about. Difficult situation, hope you can sort it.

retro:electro

I don't know if no sense of smell has anything to do with it.. I mean you could have no sense of smell but surely you'd still wash yourself and wash your clothes? The housemate isn't doing any of that. If I had no sense of smell id be extra paranoid about my hygiene and would be on top of any issues like that. This is something bigger than the girl lacking a sense of smell. Usually people who get themselves into a state like that have underlying mental health issues. (Not a generalisation or intended to insult, I've read that somewhere)

Ursus Horribilis

I hope I'm not getting into medical diagnosis territory here but for some people who are on the autism spectrum, personal hygiene can be an issue. . Even if she isn't, it's an embarrassing issue to tackle. There are people out there who genuinely don't have a clue about keeping clean or the importance of not smelling like something has died.

The only answer to this, I'm afraid, is to take her aside and tell her as nicely as you can. And let's face it, there is no nice way to broach this subject. I remember a thread from earlier this year about a foul-smelling colleague in an office. As you'll see, various options were discussed but really, talking to the person directly is the only show in town. Unfortunately.

JuliusCaesar

If she's anywhere on autistic spectrum, she'll appreciate a direct approach - no pussyfooting - and won't take offence.

cloudatlas

Perhaps it's best if you recruit the boyfriend to help with this. If she is autistic and you try and explain that people are upset by it she may not get it, I have experience of one person who just didn't get the fact that what they were doing was disruptive and upsetting. They only paid attention to someone with authority or strangely enough if notes giving instructions are left.

ShaShaBear

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

If she's anywhere on autistic spectrum, she'll appreciate a direct approach - no pussyfooting - and won't take offence.

I have a family member on the spectrum and the direct approach is exactly what you should consider...
If you want to be the sole target of a violent outburst

Faith

ShaShaBear wrote: »

I have a family member on the spectrum and the direct approach is exactly what you should consider...
If you want to be the sole target of a violent outburst

People on the autism spectrum typically don't understand subtlety and hinting. They appreciate being told something directly, so that they understand it. They might not like what they're being told, no more than anyone else enjoys hearing criticism, but a violent outburst would not be a typical reaction in the OP's situation.