I'm really awkward

LegacyUser

As the title says, I act pretty awkwardly around people. This is due to being nervous and often anxious in most social situations. Then people tend to respond negatively to my nervousness and awkwardness and it makes me feel even more anxious, which increases the awkwardness.

It's having a big impact on my life. I'm unemployed and feel I'm pretty much unemployable due to finding it difficult to be around people. I find it hard to make friends, though I do have a few. Everything I do is cloaked in negativity, feeling that people find me really awkward and hard to be around.

I often feel like hiding away, but at the same time I feel terribly lonely. Help please.

cazzer22

Hi there. I can relate to the above post SO much. I used to be very confident and then due to an abusive relationship, my self-esteem hit rock bottom. I have since been to a CBT specialist in Dublin and this has really changed my life. She is amazing and so easy to talk to. I have also tried mindfulness and podcasts which have helped a lot too. There's a meet up in KC peaches each Sunday for social anxiety sufferers I haven't been but I have heard lots of positive feedback from it so that might be worth looking into?
The main thing is to try your hardest to focus on the now and focus on conversations, not how you're acting and how awkward you feel. Stand with your feet apart, smile, breathe, shoulders back and down and you'll appear more confident. This has really worked for me. I am slowly starting to regain my confidence and you will as well. Start by doing little things just for you, walk in the park and listen to a podcast, go for a coffee, alone and challenge yourself to do things socially. You'll feel great when a conversation goes well.

cazzer22

The people you are speaking to are probably not even aware of you feeling awkward and this might be based on your making assumptions which I used to do as well. Normally people are just thinking about what they're going to say rather than perceiving how you're acting. There are some wonderful podcasts on mindfulness, meditation and breathing. I have found them invaluable and am happy to recommend.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much Cazzer. You're right that my self esteem and confidence are really low. I would be in interested in the SA meet up if you know anything more about it? And if you could recommend the podcasts you mentioned that would be really good.

LegacyUser

Low self-esteem would definitely warp your perception of how others see you, alright. I think that would be the primary issue to address. However, the effects are also important, i.e. the incredible stress the habitual over-analysis of your behaviour causes, and the effort that will be needed to learn coping mechanisms. These effects are the same (with varying intensity) whatever the source of your social anxiety. For example, I have Asperger's, and it's not commonly known but as they are expected to be more socially adept than boys, girls with AS often develop physical or mental illnesses from the stress of social interaction and the pressure of hiding.

I have been in the position of having to force myself to try and function in social and professional environments in order to stop my life from stagnating. I have to admit, being so very aware of every little mistake, it was really, really tough to watch myself make gaffes over and over again. I think what has mostly changed is the fact that it doesn't bother me so much any more. Because it's pretty chronic in my case, I know I have to adjust my employment expectations accordingly and work mostly behind the scenes. Socially, I have developed to the extent that I have a good facade, i.e. in a familiar situation that doesn't require my reading behaviours or motivations, I can ask the right questions and show interest in people. It means people aren't really motivated to want to know me because it's so mechanical, but it's a start. Mind you, mine is a pretty extreme case due to the Asperger's. As cazzer said, managing stress is also key.

All that to say, don't underestimate what you"re up against - given that it has affected your life to this extent it will take time and effort to beat - but also awareness of the cause and effects will make your path a lot easier.

cazzer22

Hi there. The meetup is called Positive Steps Groups by Step out Ireland and it's through meetup.com (which I would also really recommend for social events). You can scroll through your interests and select which ones you're interested in attending. Some podcasts I have found useful are general meditation ones (first thing in the morning) or before you go to sleep. It's also good to start each morning with a positive thought about the day 'I will be confident today, I will manage and I will get through the day really well.' Apparently, your thought process for the first few hours of the day determine how you will feel all day, just a thought.
The Anxiety Coaches Podcast
The Positivity Effect
Motivational Steps Podcast
The Confident Mind
these are all ones I have found really useful.
I would highly recommend going to speak to someone, it has really changed my life and just remember that it's ok not to be ok. We all have times like this and well done for seeking help.