Should I not be more upset?

Stopped Clock

My mum died recently after a long illness. She had Alzheimer's and had been in a nursing home for a few years. I loved her very much and found it very hard to cope with watching her getting worse and worse. I used to sometimes shed a tear in the nursing home. I also could cry at a drop of a hat if you caught me on the wrong day. On the day she died I cried until I sobbed at one stage and felt like my heart had been ripped out. At the removal I cried a little but I was OK. At the funeral I teared up but again I was OK. Since then, I am great. That is what is worrying me. I'm getting texts and the like from relatives and friends asking how am I doing and it makes me feel guilty that I feel fine. I'm trying to make sense of it. Perhaps I'm not in bits because I had been losing my mum for years. But it doesn't stop making me feel guilty. Should I not be in bits?

endacl

You'll be as upset as you'll be, for as long as it takes. There's no right answer.

Sorry for your loss.

Lisha

Condolences on your loss.
I think grief is a very individual and a gradual process.
Yes I agree that you possibly grieved before your mother passed away. That's ok.
Slso think that it will it may hit you at sudden unexpected times in the future.
Allow yourself to live each day and be kind to yourself. It's a huge process and it will happen as you are able for it to happen.

D0NNELLY

Some people who have been through what you've been through, say that they mourned for their loved one at the outset of the degenerating disease. Then at the passing, there is a sense of relief that the suffering is over. So they take solace in that.

Stopped Clock

D0NNELLY wrote: »

Some people who have been through what you've been through, say that they mourned for their loved one at the outset of the degenerating disease. Then at the passing, there is a sense of relief that the suffering is over. So they take solace in that.

Maybe that is the case here. She was ill for a long time and had left the family home. I am so happy she is no longer suffering. What's bothering me is that I'm too happy.

clairewithani

There is no right amount of upset to be. There is no correct timeline either. Grief comes in waves for lots of people rather than a constant feeling. Having said that I imagine with alzheimers you lose a lot of the person before death is close so in essence you have been grieving for quite a while.

I am very sorry for your loss.

nhunter100

Stopped Clock wrote:

Maybe that is the case here. She was ill for a long time and had left the family home. I am so happy she is no longer suffering. What's bothering me is that I'm too happy.

Happy your mum is no longer suffering, happy you don't see her degenerating in front of your eyes. As another poster said you started to grieve at the start of your mum's illness. You're just moving on but I doubt you love her or her memory any less.

allthedoyles

I believe you showing all the signs of positivity and optimism and I also believe your mother would agree you move on with your life as you are doing.

Eamondomc

Sorry for your loss OP.
My brother died in an accident 12 years ago, at the time I took it in my stride, was upset for sure, but with close friends and family being close at the time got huge support and I think it really helped me through and kept me strong.
We were close, my brother and I, we did a lot of stuff together all through our lives.
Its now 12 years on and sometimes when I'm doing things, going to football, cycling, a couple of drinks with our friends, just doing work at home on the farm that we grew up together doing, I get really upset and will laugh and cry sometimes when I think him while doing these things now without him.
I still miss him terribly and am a lot more upset about his passing now than then.
Good luck with dealing with it, it affects everyone differently, but I imagine you loved your mother in life, still will in death, and just because you don't cry everytime you think of her doesent mean you think any less of her!

endacl

Alzheimer's is such a difficult complication to grief. One of Glen Campbell's songs, addressing his own struggle with dementia and the honesty of his realisations about what that would mean to the people who had to watch it happen is a touching and quite difficult illustration of how it was for one man and how he imagined it would be for his loved ones.

Dunno if it'll help, OP, and I wouldn't normally think it appropriate to post a piece of music on one of these threads, but here you go. I hope it helps. People understand.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=U8TsAh-zYFI

Lucuma

your mother would want you to be happy. That is what every mother wants for their child. By living your life to the full you are honouring her in the best way you possibly can.

Buona Fortuna

Sorry for your loss OP.

A lot of good advice in this thread.

Just wanted to add, be kind to yourself. Give yourself a pass at feeling "OK".

looksee

Stopped Clock, your mother died fairly recently I know, we spoke in Terminal Illness. My husband passed away after a long illness about 6 months ago. I too was fine, could not understand why I didn't feel more sad or grieving, though the last good few years have been very stressful and I think I did all my grieving then. Now, after about 6 months the 'adrenalin' has worn off and while I do not think I am grieving in the normal way, I have all the tired, apathy, woolly minded stuff that goes with the territory. My sister cared for our mother up to a couple of years ago, and she is just finding the same thing. She was fine after mum's death, but now it has caught up, and that is 2 years later. I never did grieve for my mother as I was too caught up with my husband's illness.

What I am saying in a long winded way is that, whatever you feel, or how you react is normal. There are no rules. It may all catch up with you eventually, or it may not. Don't beat yourself up about it. You have had a very stressful time and your emotions are mixed up. Just go with it and deal with things as they happen. Try and rebuild your life, but be good to yourself. Take care, and don't worry, its all normal.

brightspark

Useful leaflet here

https://www.alzheimer.ie/Alzheimer/media/SiteMedia/Helpline%20and%20Information%20Resources/Info%20Pack%20PDF's/ASI_Grieving-Loss_Section-E3_final.pdf

Your grief is your own, and grief is probably never the same or predictable for anyone.

Stopped Clock

Grr. Boards ate the message I had typed and made me log in again. I'll make this short and sweet.
Thank you brightspark for linking me to that leaflet. It's saved to the computer now and it makes a lot of sense.
To everyone else. Thank you for your insights. They make a lot of sense and I'll try to bear them in mind if I get anything more than the short bursts of sadness I'm feeling now. When I started this thread I was still "high" from the run up to mum dying, the organising of the funeral and all the friendly faces who showed up. Things have quietened down now so I'm in a more reflective mood.

Stopped Clock

I thought I'd check in. I think I've reached the stage that Looksee described. The apathy. A friend told me that after he lost his second parent, he felt very empty. That's how I feel now. I'm simply existing and hoping that I'll feel perkier soon. At the moment I can't stop thinking about my old age and dreading it. It's ridiculous because I'm still relatively young and still have time to make changes in my own life. I'm feeling quite unsettled but I think that's part of the grieving process. I don't feel like I belong anywhere just now and that I'm blundering around in the dark, trying to find meaning.