Issues getting and staying hard?

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

Hoping to get some guidance on this one. To keep it brief, I seem to have issues getting and staying hard in bed these days. I've started seeing someone and while she is wet within a minute, it takes me longer before I am even somewhat hard. Then, when I do get hard, it only seems to last several seconds and I need her to keep the pressure on - so to speak - or it stops being hard.

Last night we were looking to have sex but when I went to enter her she noticed I wasn't hard enough.

Even when I am by myself I find it's the same, as I am masturbating it can take a while before I am fully hard, and that is usually in the run up to the point of release...

I am not sure what's going on but it has happened in the past too. I have no problem meeting women but it's just I have not been in relationships a huge amount and so have relied on myself and on internet stuff to get me going - and I think that is part of it. I am in good enough shape and would work out regularly, etc.

Just wondering though what I do now, aside from giving up the steamy websites!

Thanks for all advice.

Wibbs

OK folks, you all know the drill. Keep it on topic and NO medical advice. Thanks

Tigger

Is go to a doctor medical advice
Are you feeling it or not if you feel aroused and it's not working then go to doctor

Captain Chaos

It can be a case of just too much long term use of porn and relying on it. The thing to do it to stop going to porn so much or even stop using it all together for a few months and that should help. It's becoming a more common problem in young men that have no medical conditions with this issue.

I've been there myself, very embarrassing problem. It can completely destroy you mentally.

mzungu

I think you need to get it checked by your GP. There could be a multitude of reasons ranging from the psychological to the physiological, and none of these can be diagnosed over the Internet.

livedadream

totally normal

sometimes stress, tiredness etc life can get in the way,

distraction too.

its one of those things, i had a boyfriend who it happened to maybe twice in the space of a week and he started panic then anytime we were going to be getting down it just wouldn't happen.

if its bothering you head to the GP. im sure its wrecking your head.

try going back to basics as well, that worked with me and the fella, a few nights of no sex and the odd fumble on the couch in front of the tv worked wonders.

simple but effective. took the pressure off and wearing the face off someone is just (well almost) as much fun sometimes.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

H3llR4iser

There can be a number of reasons OP, including but not limited to mental and physical fatigue; Contrary to most popular belief (not just porn...) we aren't sex-robots always ready for action at the drop of a pin, readiness and willingness vary; You could run an experiment: try and leave "him" alone for a week or so - that also means no solo play - and see how it goes.

If the situation doesn't seem to change, a chat with your GP can help - and don't worry, he/she will have had guys coming in for similar things throughout his or her career. There's nothing that sends a man to the doc as fast as something even remotely looking wrong with his tools

In any case, all men experience something similar at one stage or another - I've gone through the same myself, usually when a new partner was involved; It's an unconscious process mostly due to the initial low familiarity with each other and the process of "figuring things out".

One thing that is part of the "figuring things out" is - how much do you like her? It's a very blunt thing to say, but sometimes that is the problem; In many situations, it goes away after a while when you find something absolutely irresistible in each other, other times it's just that there isn't a complete compatibility - and mind you, it's not necessarily and exclusively related to attractiveness.

Wibbs

H3llR4iser wrote: »

One thing that is part of the "figuring things out" is - how much do you like her? It's a very blunt thing to say, but sometimes that is the problem; In many situations, it goes away after a while when you find something absolutely irresistible in each other, other times it's just that there isn't a complete compatibility - and mind you, it's not necessarily and exclusively related to attractiveness.

I hear this. Outside of Whisky Willie(™) pretty much every time this has come up - Or not - little head was telling big head "step back, have a think, this may not be a great idea oul son". Contrary to popular opinion it's not alway little head walking a man into trouble. Sometimes listening to our bodies is a very good plan.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice guys, really appreciate it.

I do get that it's normal and I don't feel embarrassed about it and no man should. Totally agree that it can happen and tiredness and the business of life in general can play a part. Choice websites too but I don't think that's just as big a factor as it's made out to be. Who knows and I still haven't looked at any of that in well....a few days but I won't be going back to it anytime soon.

That's the thing though - when you are single for a while you tend to want a little stimulation sometimes!

Anyway, all good now - I kinda knew it myself but I just needed that little bit of time for us to get to know each other better and to feel more comfortable together. I've also realised that I really like her whereas before I was still just in that 'early' stage where you're sounding it all out

H3llR4iser

unregagain wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice guys, really appreciate it.

I do get that it's normal and I don't feel embarrassed about it and no man should. Totally agree that it can happen and tiredness and the business of life in general can play a part. Choice websites too but I don't think that's just as big a factor as it's made out to be. Who knows and I still haven't looked at any of that in well....a few days but I won't be going back to it anytime soon.

Let me be straight here - the only way I would say the bolded affects you is that will offer a "discharge valve" (yep, pun intended!).

I know there are plenty of conflicting opinions about the matter, personally I haven't experienced any of the supposed "effects" - quite the contrary, as a matter of fact. If you know what to do, porn/erotic material could be of great assistance bringing new "ideas" in the bedroom and bring out your partner's fantasies as well (it's a game for 2 players, she should have at least as much fun as you do )

unregagain wrote: »

That's the thing though - when you are single for a while you tend to want a little stimulation sometimes! [cut]

I hear ya, but it can be done. Had a circumcision years ago and, as you can imagine, the "little guy" was out of commission for 3-4 weeks; The fact I was 27 at the time didn't help the least. It was a...hard month, especially waking up in excruciating pain at 6am (:D), but what amazed me was how effectively I managed to avoid any conscious stimulation.

What my brain did during sleep, however, was acutely wicked: I never had dreams about sex for my entire life; You guess it, with the exception of those three weeks :mad:

Musketeer4

I was going to ask were you overweight but you say your fit an healthy.

All I could suggest is that you visit your GP. Maybe get your hormones checked out?

Beta Uprising

Cut out masturbation and porn for month and you should be fine.

LouisSmith1

Cut out masturbation and porn

Speedwell

I've been around the block a few times, I guess I'm a 50-year-old woman who's been married three times, never mind what I got up to before and between. The single most common reason I've found for a man being unable to perform is that he's just too excited. This causes anxiety and the mind and body are trying to do too much, and that causes a temporary loss of functioning, and that in turn causes more anxiety, and you get the idea. When I met my husband (we were both in our 40s), and we had our first weekend alone together, he was unable to maintain enough of an erection to complete intercourse all weekend long. The next time we stayed together overnight, he didn't have that problem. He hasn't had a problem since. Incidentally the same thing exactly happened with my first husband; he was a virgin (thanks to a repressive over-religious upbringing) when we met in our late 20s, and it took a few "sessions" for him to relax and get on with things.

Musketeer4

Whatever happens OP, don't worry about it. It's not that big of a deal in the scheme of things. If she is a decent girl and worth being with she will understand and be patient. If she is the type that will lose interest and bolt when you can't get an erection whenever suits her, tbh that says more about her than you and you would be better off without a girl like her.

Idbatterim

What age are you op and do you suffer from poor sleep or insomnia?

RDM_83 again

I don't think it's been mentioned but if your using condoms it can be have a big effect. Obviously be safe but its worth trying out a few different brands and types and it can take some getting used to. It's not just Durex out there some less common brand might suit you a lot better
Addition: I know it's sort of useless advice but don't over think things and loose the moment

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

OP again - thanks again for all the advice and input. As I said in my last post things are all good and it was mainly just getting to know the girl a bit more and us getting more familiar and comfortable with each other (not that we weren't from the start really). But I have always been the type to only really get hard with a girl when I know her a bit! I'm sure lots of other guys are different but I just need some sort of connection at the start.

Someone asked about weight and then another asked about sleep above - I could lose a few pounds but I'm in decent shape and would work out a few times each week and am active every day. Would do around 6km on an average day walking, and then up to 10k+ on a day when I go for a run etc. Sleep is also great too - no worries there!

I don't think it's a physical thing but I have noticed that when I am hard, I can lose that hardness fairly quickly if I stop feeling turned on...

Also, last night was the first night we (the new girl and I) went to have sex. We weren't using a condom as that would defo be a buzz killer for me and I think we are good from a safety point of view. BUT as I entered her I have to say it was sooo tight and it felt like it was being 'pinched' down there! I have a tight foreskin and so that doesn't help, but it literally felt so tight. I had an issue years back where my foreskin did roll back and it was very painful, and so that plays into the whole thing too. Makes me cautious around it all which isn't exactly a recipe for getting it on!

But sure look, no big deal and can work through it and a lot of it is getting familiar with each other too.

Galwayguy35

I also have a tight foreskin but there's ways of dealing with that, a former partner pushed back the skin over the glans too quickly and the pain was unreal.

Dial Hard

OPagain wrote:

Also, last night was the first night we (the new girl and I) went to have sex. We weren't using a condom as that would defo be a buzz killer for me and I think we are good from a safety point of view.

Jesus Christ.

Speedwell

Dial Hard wrote: »

Jesus Christ.

(starts knitting the baby jumper)

Shint0

OP, if you enter into a new relationship and want to stop using a condom you should both have an STD check first.

Musketeer4

I can't believe you didn't wear a bag! Who does that? That was very foolish of ye.

Regarding the tight foreskin, I used to have than. It can be stretched by just leaving it back for a while every day for a few weeks. Worked for me anyway.

I'd advise visiting a doctor all the same though. Its not normal for it to be like that.

SarahMollie

You kind of gloss over the lack of a condom there OP, why is that?

This is a new girlfriend and this early on its hard to tell if things will or won't work out.... why so casual with safety?

Is this normal for you? Is it possible you're actually adding to your anxiety by taking such a risk before the relationship is secure?

H3llR4iser

OPagain wrote: »

I don't think it's a physical thing but I have noticed that when I am hard, I can lose that hardness fairly quickly if I stop feeling turned on...

[juvenile mode ON] Yep, it's called a "boner killer", it can happen at any time without advance warning; The bane of mankind, I tell ya [/juvenile mode OFF]

OPagain wrote: »

Also, last night was the first night we (the new girl and I) went to have sex.

Definitely confused here: is this a different woman from the one in the original message? Because I was under the impression you had already gotten "busy", more than once...

OPagain wrote: »

We weren't using a condom as that would defo be a buzz killer for me and I think we are good from a safety point of view.

Holy Force of Greyskull man, I wouldn't do that if I were you; Besides the obvious risks associated with STDs ("she's a good girl/he's a good guy" is not a justification, it's stuff that can just happen to anyone), Ireland seems to be teeming with young guys who used to think "We're safe enough!" and now get called "daddy" before they're even 21...

If it's her insisting on not using the condom, be even more careful...extremely careful.

OPagain wrote: »

I have a tight foreskin and so that doesn't help, but it literally felt so tight. I had an issue years back where my foreskin did roll back and it was very painful, and so that plays into the whole thing too. Makes me cautious around it all which isn't exactly a recipe for getting it on!

Go to the Doc and see what needs to be done; Seriously, it's a medically trivial issue but an annoying one that you don't need to deal with.

If the situation is not extremely "tight", the GP can prescribe some topical product that softens the skin and improves its elasticity. Otherwise, a quick surgery (about 30 minutes) a quick recovery (20-30 days) and you'll be upgrading from a somewhat irritable, recalcitrant "convertible" to a full-on-performance "open top", which will be easier on maintenance too

I had the same issue, and got it "fixed" at the tender age of 27

Stoning by Robbie 2011

Going in bare back with a semi is a bad combination. Ease off the porter maybe.

danko82

it could happen for a lot of reason, you should check your level of testosterone.

we are different from women, they don't get wet and that is not a problem, for us, if we don't get hard is a problem...

Mister Vain

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

I also have a tight foreskin but there's ways of dealing with that, a former partner pushed back the skin over the glans too quickly and the pain was unreal.

That happened to me too. It seems to be the done thing to pull it back before putting on the condom too but I just can't do that.

Juan More Time

Perhaps the lady you're dating just doesn't turn you on? I've met several women over the years who just didn't float my particular boat in the sack.... Women who are too straight laced and conservative tend to turn me off entirely... Do you have a former very naughty partner who really turned you on and you felt totally comfortable with? If so, maybe arrange a one off night/afternoon of passion with her to see if you can maintain a decent erection... If everything works with your old flame, then I would have a serious think about the future relationship with your current partner...At the end of the day you are a human being, not a machine.... So don't beat yourself up about not being able to perform like a fecking trained seal...

seekers

I haven't been following the discussion closely but have found that wearing thick condoms are definitely a passion killer and find it difficult to stay hard.

LegacyUser

OP here again. Yes, so although we were getting on well I realised I didn't fancy the girl as much as I would have hoped. Obviously that's going to spill over with the physical side of things but it's something I find happens a lot. When I meet a girl I fancy it's often the case she doesn't feel the same, while those who are into me I tend not to be too into.

I appreciate people's reaction re not using a condom - of course it is not a good idea but when you know that it is highly likely that you are going to no longer be hard if you go to use a condom, and you really want to do it, you figure you may risk it - especially if you think the girl is respectable and careful, etc. Of course it doesn't work like that and anyone can catch something no matter what.

Since then I've done an STI test and it came back negative for 2 of the most common STIs out there in Ireland today. I'd recommend anyone reading to do the same at the start of 2017, if you haven't done one recently.

the_syco

OPagain wrote: »

BUT as I entered her I have to say it was sooo tight and it felt like it was being 'pinched' down there! I have a tight foreskin and so that doesn't help, but it literally felt so tight. I had an issue years back where my foreskin did roll back and it was very painful, and so that plays into the whole thing too. Makes me cautious around it all which isn't exactly a recipe for getting it on!

The highlighted part; it "did" roll back; as in, it doesn't now?

Talk to your doc about this. The tight foreskin and not being able to get hard could be related. Circumcision could be an idea. Lots of info on the topic here; http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2054899493

Mister Vain

Is it really necessary to pull the foreskin back to have safe sex with a condom?

dearg lady

OP again wrote: »

especially if you think the girl is respectable and careful, etc.

She wasn't 'careful' with you, what makes you think she would be with anyone else? I don't even know what to say about 'respectable'!

fergus1001

If you have a tendency to be "at yourself" this affects things big time in my own experience

GreenFolder2

Go to the doctor and rule out anything medical. This can be just psychology but it can also be a symptom of a ton of issues with circulation, hormones and various other things that would be impossible to advise on.


Ask your GP... Get checked out.

LegacyUser

dearg lady wrote: »

She wasn't 'careful' with you, what makes you think she would be with anyone else? I don't even know what to say about 'respectable'!

Yes I did think of that alright. Care to explain what you mean by your last sentence there? I imagine you do know what to say, but haven't said it?

LegacyUser

the_syco wrote: »

The highlighted part; it "did" roll back; as in, it doesn't now?

Talk to your doc about this. The tight foreskin and not being able to get hard could be related. Circumcision could be an idea. Lots of info on the topic here; http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2054899493

I am circumcised! However I did see my doc years back and he said that it was done in a way that left the remaining skin very tight, which explains what happened (a visit to A&E). So yeah, I would be cautious about it all, even though the consultant who sorted me said it wouldn't happen again. I believe him and I haven't felt it happening ever since, but still!

LegacyUser

fergus1001 wrote: »

If you have a tendency to be "at yourself" this affects things big time in my own experience

Most definitely, this is the biggest factor I have no doubt. I have read up on this as well. The thing is, when you are single for so long it can be something you turn to quite frequently. However I am going to make an effort to not do it so much. I remember going without for 3 consecutive weeks before, when I wanted to have more sensation with the girl I was seeing at the time, and it most definitely worked.