Seperation, relationships, women, at a loss

LegacyUser

Hi all. I'm a 38 year old male who is 2 years separated from my "wife" of 6 years, or whatever she's called now. We have had no contact since the separation, it was quick and uncomplicated. The relationship was awful really, fast and passionate at the start but that wore off quickly and then it was just drama all the time. She cheated, blamed me, I took her back, she did some really horrible things and ultimately she walked out, in typical explosive fashion. The whole ordeal really shook me up, not because I missed her or wanted her back, it was just a really intense few years, and I was put through all kinds of things I wouldn't even go into here. It was my own stupid fault for staying with her, time and time again accepting her apologies. I had had good relationships with women previous to this, but I guess I always felt I had a lot I still wanted to do before settling down so they never lasted more than a couple of years...

Anyway, that's my backstory.

So in the last couple of years, I've slept with a few girls, even dated one for a couple of months (I don't know why, I didn't actually like her by the end, I think I just liked the attention as it was soon after breakup).

A girl I went out with a couple of times back in April and May left for a few months and is back now. She was in touch the whole time on and off and was keen to meet up again. Now she's home and asked if we could meet and I made some excuse and just can't be bothered.
I have been on countless dates with women from the internet, most recently quite a nice girl who I would have thought ticked all the boxes, she's keen to go out again but I just again don't have it in me. I have this view now that relationships are bad and will only make me feel bad about myself. I know a couple of people who seem to be happy in their marriages (although more who aren't tbh), but even their life doesn't appeal to me at all. I guess I don't mind being on my own now but I fear in 10 years time I'll regret not having had kids or a partner. I most certainly don't want to get married again but I'm sure there are women out there who wouldn't want that either.

So it's been 2 years, is my view of relationships permanently warped? I have female friends so I haven't become some misogynist or anything, I've not dicked around any girls, pretty much ever in my life. I just have almost zero interest now and go through the motions on dating sites and when I'm out almost just for the sake of it.

Has anyone else felt like this ever?

Elsewhere my life is good, I have a well paying job I like, a small mortgage and a house to myself, car, I go on lots of holidays, have lots of great friends etc, but I just have this anxiety sometimes about the fact that I just am not into relationships or women in that way any more. I miss sex, but to be honest, not really that much.

I guess if anyone can give me anything on this I'd appreciate it! Thanks guys for reading.

silverbolt

youre tired.

End of.

You cant force it lad. Just stay single

Daisy78

You would be better off not dating to be honest. You said yourself that you are going through the motions, your wasting women's time if you are not in that space so to speak. Speaking as a woman in that age bracket I wouldn't want to date someone who wasn't fully sure if they wanted to even be in a relationship let alone be in one with me.

You have said yourself that you have a good life, you are happy with what you have, why change it.

ManOfMystery

You sound a little jaded. Not bitter, just jaded. It's to be expected after a fairly explosive marriage breakup and then some unsuccessful dating.

I think what you need is some 'me' time. There's no law that says you have to be in a relationship. Some people can't do 'single' but it doesn't sound like you're one of them. Indulge yourself in some hobbies, take a long holiday, go to gigs, do things that you enjoy and which enrich your life but which don't require you to have a partner.

Maybe once you get into a good place your mindset as regards dating and the opposite sex will relax a little and it won't seem like such a repetitive thing which you can't be bothered with. Dating is meant to be fun, and being in a relationship is meant to be fulfilling - but it only works if you're in the right mindset for it. Who knows, you might feel totally differently in 6 months - so don't be worrying just yet about marriage or babies 10 years down the line.

Katgurl

Why are you bothering going on dates?

Sometimes I love dating. Other times (like now) I can't be bothered so I don't. I've plenty of other stuff to fill my time with.

Dial Hard

Did you ever actually deal with your marriage ending? Because as twee as it sounds, there is an entire emotional process involved there, no matter how unhappy the relationship itself was. 6 years isn't exactly pocket change.

It kind of sounds like you went "Unhappy marriage is over, ergo I'm ready to hit the scene again". But that's not how it works, unfortunately.

LegacyUser

Yeah i feel exactly the same op. Im a 34 year old guy out of a marriage with a woman that cheated over a year now and been on a few dates, seeing some women but just cant be bothered at the moment.

I think a bit of me time is what I'm going to do for now. Just chill, have a few tickets for gigs coming up. You really cant force these things.

I think ill jump back into the dating thing in a while again but for now just take it easy and enjoy a bit of freedom.

LegacyUser

Hi, and thanks all for replies. Did I ever deal with the marriage? It was a shock to the system when it ended, but I knew right away I had to move on and I never once harboured feelings for her or wanted her back. It was more a case of being mad at myself for allowing myself to be abused that way for so long. So yeah it took a while to feel normal again but not that long. I'm 100% sure of getting out of that situation was the best thing that ever happened to me, I'm so glad we didn't have kids, I feel blessed for that because they would have grown up in a horrible unstable environment with a bloody lunatic as a mother.

Anyway. Yes, I'll leave it for a while. I guess I have needs and I like female company so every now and again I delve into the dating world, and I'm then surprised that it doesn't seem to interest me at all. Maybe it never will again, but I guess who cares. Yeah I've already taken lots of holidays, I'm going away next month and in November so I've plenty of things planned.

I'm just wondering if it's normal to be disillusioned with it. I'm an only child and my parents did everything for me and I feel like I'm letting them down by not producing any Grandkids although they have never shown anything but pure love towards me. So maybe that's the root of these ill feelings I get from time to time.

amtc

There could be something in this only child thing. I am one too and quite happily live on my own. I've loads of male and female friends. I date but haven't had a serious relationship for a while. My two best male friends joke I treat them as substitute partners which is pretty much true. My female best friend asked me would I not rent out a room to have company... I looked at her like she was mad....that's my dressing room! My point is I'm quite happy in my own skin. I never feel lonely. I don't have children and not sure I ever will. My dad has intimated that my mother misses having grandchildren. My mother says absolutely not...she's quite happily retired and has a great social life and is currently off in Australia for 3 mths. She reckons it would be boring to be a grandmother.

Emme

OP I wish you could get into the head of a single woman in her late 20s or 30s. You might be shocked at what they go through on the dating scene. Do these women a favour and don't date until you're ready to consider a serious relationship. If you need counselling get it. Counselling might be no harm for you. You might be a little bitter after the way your ex treated you but that's no reason to treat other women badly. I met several men like you when I was dating (I have given up now) they didn't do me any good and they didn't seem to be doing themselves any good either. They were out of relationships, trying to "find themselves" and trampling women into the ground in the process.

It's great that you can go on "countless internet dates" and have as many one night stands as you want not to mention short relationships but you're not being fair on the women concerned or on yourself. If you were a guy who found it hard to meet women or a single attractive woman of a certain age you wouldn't be as jaded or cavalier about the dating scene.

Take yourself off the dating scene before you do any more damage.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

OP I wish you could get into the head of a single woman in her late 20s or 30s. You might be shocked at what they go through on the dating scene. Do these women a favour and don't date until you're ready to consider a serious relationship. If you need counselling get it. Counselling might be no harm for you. You might be a little bitter after the way your ex treated you but that's no reason to treat other women badly. I met several men like you when I was dating (I have given up now) they didn't do me any good and they didn't seem to be doing themselves any good either. They were out of relationships, trying to "find themselves" and trampling women into the ground in the process.

It's great that you can go on "countless internet dates" and have as many one night stands as you want not to mention short relationships but you're not being fair on the women concerned or on yourself. If you were a guy who found it hard to meet women or a single attractive woman of a certain age you wouldn't be as jaded or cavalier about the dating scene.

Take yourself off the dating scene before you do any more damage.

I haven't wasted anyone's time. I've gone on many dates yes, and all turned into nothing because there was no spark. The one I was seeing for a month or two, I remember the last time we saw each other there was just nothing there, and we both seemed to just not contact each other after that. I ran into her again one day and it was all ok.
Sure, I find it easy to get a date, should I apologise for that? I think you're taking your own bitterness out on me because of your bad experiences.
Regarding one night stands, the few that I've had, I've been blanked by all but one afterwards, the one who didn't blank me moved to bloody Brazil soon afterwards so what did I do wrong there? One in particular that I spent maybe 24 hours with in total and I really liked just completely ghosted me afterwards. It ain't all sunshine here either.
I have never considered counselling - what do you think I need that for?
How am I being cavalier? That actually made me laugh out loud!

gaynorvader

Emme wrote: »

OP I wish you could get into the head of a single woman in her late 20s or 30s. You might be shocked at what they go through on the dating scene. Do these women a favour and don't date until you're ready to consider a serious relationship. If you need counselling get it. Counselling might be no harm for you. You might be a little bitter after the way your ex treated you but that's no reason to treat other women badly. I met several men like you when I was dating (I have given up now) they didn't do me any good and they didn't seem to be doing themselves any good either. They were out of relationships, trying to "find themselves" and trampling women into the ground in the process.

It's great that you can go on "countless internet dates" and have as many one night stands as you want not to mention short relationships but you're not being fair on the women concerned or on yourself. If you were a guy who found it hard to meet women or a single attractive woman of a certain age you wouldn't be as jaded or cavalier about the dating scene.

Take yourself off the dating scene before you do any more damage.

I have mixed feelings about this. I don't think it's fair to say that OP should take himself off the dating scene, rather he should be upfront about what he wants. OP, if you continue dating, but are not looking for anything serious, make sure that that's apparent from your online profile, don't lead these women on. You have every right to pursue one night stands so long as both parties go in fully aware of what the situation is. Who knows, perhaps a relationship will develop from one of them?

LuckyLloyd

Sounds to me like you're asking this question not because you have any issues with your current situation - but because you believe you're supposed to, that you're violating a societal norm.

I see lots of threads here with men who are frustrated at not having had opportunities to meet people; and men who are trapped in loveless or sexually dead marriages. I'd say enjoy female company on your terms when you feel like it without promising anything you shouldn't and someone may come along that makes you feel differently. If they don't it sounds like you'll be just fine.

Best of luck.

Emme

gaynorvader wrote: »

I have mixed feelings about this. I don't think it's fair to say that OP should take himself off the dating scene, rather he should be upfront about what he wants. OP, if you continue dating, but are not looking for anything serious, make sure that that's apparent from your online profile, don't lead these women on. You have every right to pursue one night stands so long as both parties go in fully aware of what the situation is. Who knows, perhaps a relationship will develop from one of them?

In theory you are right. In practice it is not so simple. I have met some very confused separated and divorced men who treated me very badly. You advise the OP to be upfront and tell his dates what he is looking for. Many separated and divorced men don't know what they want. They'll tell their date they want one thing and then they will decide they want something else. If the content of the OP's first post is anything to go by he may be in this mindset. This is why it would be advisable for him to stay away from the dating scene for the time being until he gets himself sorted out. Again I would advise counselling.

If he wants his "needs" sorted there's always Tinder but he should be upfront there too.

Rekop dog

^^You seem to be the one with the hangups and unhealthy perception of men so I'd see far more cause for counseling in your posts that the op's to be perfectly honest, you're comparing your completely irrelevant personal experiences to his.

Dr Crayfish

To the poster above - I've never used Tinder but im pretty sure it's not some meet up tool for sex, it's a dating site like the others based purely on photos.

Wompa1

Having no motivation to go through the relationship thing again makes sense after such an intense relationship with a person who it sounds like was a lot of work.

Why do you go on dates? Is it just for convenience since you can just go online and find dates?

LegacyUser

Why do I go on dates? Well I'm a heterosexual male and I think about women and sex a fair bit so I find it hard to dull this part of me out, if that's what's required at the moment. Do people just go years without sex between relationships or what? I don't really go out to Copper's or anything, where people say it's a total meat market with people looking to hook up for a night.
So I don't know, perhaps I'm not ready to be with a woman right now, but part of me will always be chasing them, that's what men do no?

cmarl

From a woman's point of view, I am coming out of a 10 year marriage. We have been living separate lives for ages now while still living in the same house and when I think about dating again I think the same as you, id like the fun of meeting up etc but do not want a relationship where the man is thinking we may have a future. This is probably due to the face ive had enough of relationships and getting back into something serious is the last thing Id want. I know from talking to others in similar situation they too are happy with casual stuff which fulfils the desire to go out with men/sex or whatever but is definitely not going to become a relationship.

Sound Bite

I don't see the problem.

You're a little jaded by all the drama of your past relationship and don't want to rush into another one.

Yet you miss sex and female company.

I don't see anything wrong with that, there are plenty of women in the same boat. Just be straight up about your intentions and you'll find what you are looking for.

bucketybuck

Stop dating doesn't mean stop meeting people. Go to meetups or some other social events, you can meet lots of people without any of the obligations that come with the dating scene.

If you organise a date on a dating site then at some point there will be a decision to be made, but if you are just meeting people naturally at hikes or comedy nights it's different. You can chat to women there without any obligations, and because you are still chatting to women you still have a chance to meet somebody who really does interest you.

daithi7

Hmmmm, I'm in a very similar situation and it's not easy tbh.

I have to try to avoid blind date set ups from friends and even family from time to time. I really appreciate the thought, but at times it can get a bit embarrassing for all concerned, cringe ). I have had some very awkward enquires & conversations about potentials from friends & family, sometimes you've just gotta laugh (& laugh you should if you can, besides it's good for you )

I've dated, and night clubbed, a few one nighters etc, etc , etc I.e.it's still .all a bit new, some of it good fun, some nice, some banal and some bloody tedious tbh. I think I'm just going to take it as it comes, as this seems to suit me best, and that is my best advice for you, OP.

Also wrt the ' just be up front about what you want....' if you're dating advice, I think that's well meaning, but mostly bogus tbh. Most everyone is someway coy about what they are looking for when meeting potentials, dating and/or even eventually in a relationship. Truth is about 50% of people don't actually know what they are looking for specifically anyway, so that makes it bloody hard to be up front about what you want/expect, doesn't it!? , and it seems to me that that may apply to you OP (& indeed me too). I think you should just take it as it comes, and when and if you reach a juncture in any relationship you form, where you are then going exclusive, or being up front about what ye now want& expect from the relationship going forward, etc, etc then I'd just cross that bridge when you reach it ( & not until you do reach it), just like most everyone else does!! (No reason to act exceptional, for any reason whatsoever imho, everyone has different baggage, issues, etc, etc, etc)

Lastly, one bit of advice I would give you is to join leisure& recreational activities, sports and maybe even holidays with mixed groups.for instance, I play a lot of sports and find being on mixed teams with women and socialising and even hooking up with a few of them (if it leads to that) has been very cathartic in getting me back on track. Right now, I'm far, fat happier as a separated single rambler again, rather than as the progressively more unhappy hubby in a slowly declining relationship, which I was fast becoming, only 2 short years ago.

Onwards & upwards at your own pace. And Try to enjoy all the new people in your life that you may not have had the opportunity to meet otherwise.

Good luck!! :-)

Ms Doubtfire1

woa. Single for the better part of a decade now and the thought alone of going back into a relationship or sharing my space with someone sets me on edge.I do think the older and more settled in our ways people become the less likely we are to share. There is nothing wrong with that.

Airyfairy12

OsoGrande wrote: »

Hi, and thanks all for replies. Did I ever deal with the marriage? It was a shock to the system when it ended, but I knew right away I had to move on and I never once harboured feelings for her or wanted her back. It was more a case of being mad at myself for allowing myself to be abused that way for so long. So yeah it took a while to feel normal again but not that long. I'm 100% sure of getting out of that situation was the best thing that ever happened to me, I'm so glad we didn't have kids, I feel blessed for that because they would have grown up in a horrible unstable environment with a bloody lunatic as a mother.

Anyway. Yes, I'll leave it for a while. I guess I have needs and I like female company so every now and again I delve into the dating world, and I'm then surprised that it doesn't seem to interest me at all. Maybe it never will again, but I guess who cares. Yeah I've already taken lots of holidays, I'm going away next month and in November so I've plenty of things planned.

I'm just wondering if it's normal to be disillusioned with it. I'm an only child and my parents did everything for me and I feel like I'm letting them down by not producing any Grandkids although they have never shown anything but pure love towards me. So maybe that's the root of these ill feelings I get from time to time.

Youre normal. Relationships bring out the worst in people theyre never equal, one partner always cares more than the other and the one who cares the most and shows the most love is always the one that ends up getting hurt. After 2 horrible long term relationships, a load of ****ty dates and weirdo men im completely disillusioned by relationships and love, the thought of a relationship makes me queasy I hate them, they bring nothing but anxiety, hurt feelings, drama and self esteem problems! I haven't been on a date now in almost a year and im much happier.
Relationships and marriage are a funny concept anyway when you think about it two people get a legally binding contract forcing them to stay together until they make each other so miserable and depressed theyre forced to spend loads of money trying to undo it just so they can be free from one another. If marriage didnt exist I doubt that anybody would invent it.
Theres nothing wrong with being single.