16 year relationship

LegacyUser

Hi, Im with my bf 16 years, met when i was 17, both in 30's now. He wants kids badly, i do too as Im not getting any younger. Hes not too interested in marriage but said would get married if it meant that much to me. ( id rather be married having kids). He doesnt want the big white wedding, he hates fuss but i would like some form of a wedding even a small one with family and friends. Anyway, we are together so long that I feel like we are married, I am bored with the relationship, I think i actually prefer doing my own thing meeting friends, work nights, ive loads of hobbies etc... and I wonder am i better off single. I have friends and family and a good job, and we dont have alot of common interests. he does his thing and i do mine and we might spend sundays together but thats about it. Am i better off single? i dont look forward to spending time together cause its so boring. on the other hand, we get on grand most of the time, and we both want kids. so would it be crazy to break up after this long now? and have to start again meeting someone and the chance i will run out of time to have children?

ManOfMystery

You should be with someone because you love them. That's pretty much the big and small of it.

You don't say anything about love in your post. Do you love him? And I don't mean as a friend or whatever, but as your partner, your lover, your possible husband?

If you have fallen out of love and it's just a relationship of convenience, then it's time to get out of it. Things will not get better when you get married - if anything, they'll get worse. A marriage without love can maybe be sustained for a while, but it won't be a particularly happy one and it probably won't end well as one or both of you will feel lonelier and lonelier as time goes on. That's not a good relationship to bring children into, and it's not a good example to set to any children either as they grow up.

If you do still love him but feel the relationship is struggling, then work on it. Why not change your schedules? Why not try doing new things together - new hobbies, courses, classes, anything? Just because you're not married doesn't mean you couldn't both try counselling together if you're committed to working on the relationship and saving it.

If I'm honest though, people change so much from when they're 17 to when they're in their 30s that it's the exception (rather than the rule) that a relationship will survive successfully from teenage years up into adulthood. It may simply be that you have matured into adults and grown apart.

Dial Hard

You're bored with the relationship, you'd rather do your own thing and you don't look forward to spending time with him. I think you've answered your own question there, OP.

You're with him out of habit and you know it. It's a total waste of your time and his.

Wesser

I think alot of married couples fall
Into familiar patterns as time passes and things can get boring. I think after 17 years this is normal. But do you still love him even though you are bored with him? That is the key question. Couples that are married for s long time are like each others best friends and the ' honeymoon' phase with lots of passion is over and is replaced with easy familiar boring friendship. There is no reason why you should not have lots of hobbies etch in your own life and have a happy relationshipas aswell in fact I think it is a healthy part of a relationship

bp

Could the spark be put back in? Both parties would need to make an effort to make it fun again.

A strong partnership is required for children as well as spending a lot of time together as a family

lawred2

thoughtsplease123 wrote: »

Hi, Im with my bf 16 years, met when i was 17, both in 30's now. He wants kids badly, i do too as Im not getting any younger. Hes not too interested in marriage but said would get married if it meant that much to me. ( id rather be married having kids). He doesnt want the big white wedding, he hates fuss but i would like some form of a wedding even a small one with family and friends. Anyway, we are together so long that I feel like we are married, I am bored with the relationship, I think i actually prefer doing my own thing meeting friends, work nights, ive loads of hobbies etc... and I wonder am i better off single. I have friends and family and a good job, and we dont have alot of common interests. he does his thing and i do mine and we might spend sundays together but thats about it. Am i better off single? i dont look forward to spending time together cause its so boring. on the other hand, we get on grand most of the time, and we both want kids. so would it be crazy to break up after this long now? and have to start again meeting someone and the chance i will run out of time to have children?

You can not have children with this man

Coldsnow

thoughtsplease123 wrote: »

Hi, Im with my bf 16 years, met when i was 17, both in 30's now. He wants kids badly, i do too as Im not getting any younger. Hes not too interested in marriage but said would get married if it meant that much to me. ( id rather be married having kids). He doesnt want the big white wedding, he hates fuss but i would like some form of a wedding even a small one with family and friends. Anyway, we are together so long that I feel like we are married, I am bored with the relationship, I think i actually prefer doing my own thing meeting friends, work nights, ive loads of hobbies etc... and I wonder am i better off single. I have friends and family and a good job, and we dont have alot of common interests. he does his thing and i do mine and we might spend sundays together but thats about it. Am i better off single? i dont look forward to spending time together cause its so boring. on the other hand, we get on grand most of the time, and we both want kids. so would it be crazy to break up after this long now? and have to start again meeting someone and the chance i will run out of time to have children?

Ok you find it boring, what are you expecting? What would make it not boring?

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies.. why do u say I cannot have children with this man? I do love him but more in a caring way rather than a mad passionate way. And after someone said after this long its bound to get boring.. i have single friends who tell me how hard it is to meet someone nowadays and they would give anything for a child so theres the other side of it too. Should i be more appreciative? For the person who asked me what do i expect, i miss that spark and interest & intimacy which everyone has for the first few years. I feel like we have been there done that. Can anyone in a long term relationship relate to what im saying ?

Wraptuna

Meagain9879 wrote: »

Thanks for replies.. why do u say I cannot have children with this man? I do love him but more in a caring way rather than a mad passionate way. And after someone said after this long its bound to get boring.. i have single friends who tell me how hard it is to meet someone nowadays and they would give anything for a child so theres the other side of it too. Should i be more appreciative? For the person who asked me what do i expect, i miss that spark and interest & intimacy which everyone has for the first few years. I feel like we have been there done that. Can anyone in a long term relationship relate to what im saying ?

It sounds like you are not attracted to him, that's a problem.

Seth Brundle

Meagain9879 wrote: »

And after someone said after this long its bound to get boring..

Have you tried to make it less boring?
You're bored because I (and others here) don't believe you want to be bothered with it.

lawred2

Meagain9879 wrote: »

Thanks for replies.. why do u say I cannot have children with this man? I do love him but more in a caring way rather than a mad passionate way. And after someone said after this long its bound to get boring.. i have single friends who tell me how hard it is to meet someone nowadays and they would give anything for a child so theres the other side of it too. Should i be more appreciative? For the person who asked me what do i expect, i miss that spark and interest & intimacy which everyone has for the first few years. I feel like we have been there done that. Can anyone in a long term relationship relate to what im saying ?

You want a bit of strange because your partner bores you and the relationship bores you.

That isn't a good place to start from where children are concerned.

silverbolt

Meagain9879 wrote: »

Thanks for replies.. why do u say I cannot have children with this man? I do love him but more in a caring way rather than a mad passionate way. And after someone said after this long its bound to get boring.. i have single friends who tell me how hard it is to meet someone nowadays and they would give anything for a child so theres the other side of it too. Should i be more appreciative? For the person who asked me what do i expect, i miss that spark and interest & intimacy which everyone has for the first few years. I feel like we have been there done that. Can anyone in a long term relationship relate to what im saying ?

You have a loyal and im assuming good man with you. A solid built foundation. and yes the spark is gone Purely because youve been together for so long. And that is still a lot to throw away

That doesnt mean you just give in. find the spark again. you say that you dont do anything together any more. Make time - go for dinner, go for a movie, go for a weekend away together. Do something together. Find yourselves again. Youre living two separate lives and that inevitably leads to distance.

My longest relationship was 8 years and yes we did the same, started living seperate lives, she had her life i had mine. The only time they intertwined was when we did things with mutual friends. Eventually after many petty power games from both of us - she cheated and left.

thoughtsplease123

thoughtsplease123 wrote: »

Hi, Im with my bf 16 years, met when i was 17, both in 30's now. He wants kids badly, i do too as Im not getting any younger. Hes not too interested in marriage but said would get married if it meant that much to me. ( id rather be married having kids). He doesnt want the big white wedding, he hates fuss but i would like some form of a wedding even a small one with family and friends. Anyway, we are together so long that I feel like we are married, I am bored with the relationship, I think i actually prefer doing my own thing meeting friends, work nights, ive loads of hobbies etc... and I wonder am i better off single. I have friends and family and a good job, and we dont have alot of common interests. he does his thing and i do mine and we might spend sundays together but thats about it. Am i better off single? i dont look forward to spending time together cause its so boring. on the other hand, we get on grand most of the time, and we both want kids. so would it be crazy to break up after this long now? and have to start again meeting someone and the chance i will run out of time to have children?

I met my partner when I was 15 and we are 33 and 35 now. The spark and the passion are not gone, and we really look forward to time together. We have mostly different interests but it doesn't reduce our enjoyment of life together, because where the big important things are concerned, we're on the same page.

Falling out of love is not inevitable, you know.

You need to ask yourself if you want to put in the work to reignite things. If you don't, you need to move on. You're setting yourself up for many years of bland misery otherwise, especially when children come along.