Is my daughter lesbian?

IrishMother

Just to have your opinion, my teenager daughter:
watches Ellen Degeneres every day,
in Pretty little liars she like Emily very very much
she wears trousers and boys or unisex clothes,
for Sport she does female boxing (3 days by week),
she never had boyfriend,
she's 14, she's tall 5.4 feet and she's fit


My question:

is she lesbian?

Seth Brundle

IrishMother wrote: »

My question:

is she lesbian?

What does it matter? Will it change how you see her or behave with her?
I've never been in this position and other posters may offer different advice but my gut feeling is that you should wait until if and when she tells you rather than asking online by providing silly reasons to get strangers to make the decision on her behalf.

IrishMother

What does it matter? She is my daughter, I love her, and I just would like to prepare me about this possibility.
I don't care the "fashion" or the "political correctness", and you're "what doesn't matter". She's only 14.
I talk you about my baby as a classic mother. I'm not homophobic, and I will be always with my daughter, lesbian or straight. But I just want to prepare myself for an uncommon eventuality (sorry but it's a fact).

Annasopra

IrishMother wrote: »

Just to have your opinion, my teenager daughter:
watches Ellen Degeneres every day,
in Pretty little liars she like Emily very very much
she wears trousers and boys or unisex clothes,
for Sport she does female boxing (3 days by week),
she never had boyfriend,
she's 14, she's tall 5.4 feet and she's fit


My question:

is she lesbian?

Maybe yes, maybe no.

She could be straight, bi or lesbian or even possibly trans


Have you spoken to her?

eviltwin

IrishMother wrote: »

What does it matter? She is my daughter, I love her, and I just would like to prepare me about this possibility.
I don't care the "fashion" or the "political correctness", and you're "what doesn't matter". She's only 14.
I talk you about my baby as a classic mother. I'm not homophobic, and I will be always with my daughter, lesbian or straight. But I just want to prepare myself for an uncommon eventuality (sorry but it's a fact).

You could try asking her...

I actually thought this post was a bored Sunday afternoon poster looking to stir up a bit of trouble. I can't believe it's true. You really think watching Ellen is a sign of anything?

If shes gay then she's gay. It's no big deal.

baby and crumble

All I can say is that she certainly sounds like me when I was her age, but she's only 14. Not having a boyfriend at 14 is not a big deal. You can't tell much by dress, or tv watching preferences.

All I can say to you is, like anything in parenting, prepare yourself to love your child. If she is gay she might be waiting to tell you. She might be terrified to do so. She might not be gay at all. She might be bisexual. At the end of the day it's her choice of/when to tell you. All I can offer as advice is to be open with her if the topic of LGBT issues come up. Let her know that you'll support her no matter what. Try to not make jokes or comments about gay people.

uck51js9zml2yt

As a father, I think you should be grateful she doesn't have a boyfriend at 14.
Let her be a teenager and be there for her when she needs you.

riadach

IrishMother wrote: »

Just to have your opinion, my teenager daughter:
watches Ellen Degeneres every day,
in Pretty little liars she like Emily very very much
she wears trousers and boys or unisex clothes,
for Sport she does female boxing (3 days by week),
she never had boyfriend,
she's 14, she's tall 5.4 feet and she's fit


My question:

is she lesbian?

If she is she'll tell you. Just tell her you love her very much, no matter what. When she has that security, she'll tell you in her own time.

Sleeper12

IrishMother wrote:

Just to have your opinion, my teenager daughter: watches Ellen Degeneres every day, in Pretty little liars she like Emily very very much she wears trousers and boys or unisex clothes, for Sport she does female boxing (3 days by week), she never had boyfriend, she's 14, she's tall 5.4 feet and she's fit

IrishMother wrote:

is she lesbian?

As post above, she could be gay, straight or bi. At 14 she might not even know herself. Some teenage girls experiment with other girls because it's safe. Doesn't make them gay just as watching certain TV programmes can't make you gay or straight.
My advice is don't pigeon hole her. She will be what she is meant be.
Most parents are worried when their 14 year old has a boyfriend. Relax and enjoy her for what she is, a 14 year old girl.

fluffybiscuits

IrishMother wrote: »

Just to have your opinion, my teenager daughter:
watches Ellen Degeneres every day,
in Pretty little liars she like Emily very very much
she wears trousers and boys or unisex clothes,
for Sport she does female boxing (3 days by week),
she never had boyfriend,
she's 14, she's tall 5.4 feet and she's fit


My question:

is she lesbian?

Its not a sign of anything really I reckon. I am a gay man who enjoys football, im a little bit laddish yet on the flip side I have straight friends who enjoy fashion and listen to disco. There is no rules there for how a person should act. Your daughter is keeping fit, she likes to watch current TV (plenty of straight women do). If you suspect that she is lesbian broach the issue in a way, talk about Ellen and how she is an inspiration and discuss to what extent you would be happy with the whole lifestyle so both and you and her know boundaries.

livedadream

newsflash watching ellen makes you gay.

the only thing that makes you gay, is being gay.

i think what you are implying is your daughter is doing this that stereo typically people think make a person identify as gay.

a girl boxing,
14 and never had a boyfriend (do 14 year olds have boyfriends these days?)
watching ellen is irrelevant,
liking another girl on a TV show also irrelevant, i loved Marissa from the OC growing up it didnt mean i was gay it meant she was a rich young fashionable girl with a unreal life.

does she talk about being attracted to girls?
maybe ask her, make her feel like its safe to talk to you about this stuff and it will come naturally.

spurious

She's 14.

That is all you can say about her now.

dbagman

IrishMother wrote:

Just to have your opinion, my teenager daughter: watches Ellen Degeneres every day, in Pretty little liars she like Emily very very much she wears trousers and boys or unisex clothes, for Sport she does female boxing (3 days by week), she never had boyfriend, she's 14, she's tall 5.4 feet and she's fit

Jaysus......I'd better give auld graham Norton a miss this week.....

Big Bag of Chips

I think people are being a bit harsh on you OP. Of course it's not going to matter to you, but I do think as a concerned parent if it turns out she is gay, that you want to be prepared and to be armed as best you can to make her 'coming out' as easy as possible for her. You are trying to figure this out. Some parents just completely ignore it. Leaving their children terrified of telling them. A family member is gay, and it was very obvious from a very very young age. His mother denied it for years. He eventually came out in his mid twenties and she cried. Of course, now, it's no issue and he is still their son and thought of no differently than any of the others (maybe even having the favourite status of being the first born )

But I think trying to get your head around it will be a big help to your daughter in getting her head around it.... If it turns out to be true.

Now, as for your suspicions, your daughter sounds quite like me as a 14 year old. Although I was 14 in the early 90s long before "gender fluid" clothing was a thing! We all wore jeans, jumpers at least 3 sizes too big and "army jackets". Boys and girls!! I would have been quite sporty and a bit of a tomboy. I had my first kiss at 14 (my mother knew nothing about it!) I had a "boyfriend" at 13, in school. I don't think we ever even spoke to each other despite "going with each other" for a year!!.. My mother knew nothing about him.

As a parent we worry about all aspects of our children's lives. So you're not odd for worrying about this! It's not that it will change her in your eyes, but as you are aware, it might make life a little difficult for her, and you want to be prepared to help her through it. My son is a bit shy, introverted, quiet, very academic, a loner, I worry about how that will affect him in his teenage years, and wonder what I can do to make his teenage and adult life easier.

I really can't see why people would have a problem with you worrying about ANY aspect of your child's life.

Ursus Horribilis

You could be reading too much into this. I'm a straight woman who has never felt even a smidgen of sexual attraction to women. But when I was 14 I was something of a tomboy. I lived in jeans and unisex clothes (mostly because I didn't feel comfortable wearing girly clothes at the time), liked Hi-NRG "gay" music, was fanatical about soccer and hadn't yet even snogged a boy. I can't speak for your daughter but at that age I was still grappling with the transition from being a child to being a quasi grown-up.

Speedwell

I'm with Ursus up there. I also have no same-sex attraction, but I was a nerd girl at 14 whose friends were all boys. Given the attitude toward STEM professions, computers, science fiction, and table-top role playing games like D&D at the time, and the fact that I didn't have boyfriends, even I wondered sometimes if I was a "real girl". Of course, last year (at the age of 49) I found out I'm a person with Aspergers. It's no surprise that I felt most comfortable around similarly affected boys and that I gravitated toward a lot of the same things they did, given that they currently estimate that about four boys have it for every affected girl.

My outspoken, profane grandmother talked to me about my interests when I was 15 or so. She said, "Oh, yeah, when I was singing in nightclubs I knew a lot of gay people. Your mother and father asked me if I thought you were one and I told them to mind their own goddamn business. I think you aren't, but what the hell do I know. Don't worry about it until you've been in bed with a couple people and you've had a chance to make up your own mind." And then we went to the library and she recommended a couple Heinlein novels I hadn't read yet.

freedominacup

I think the op is getting a bit of a tough time also fwiw. But, serious question, do kids still come out? Is it still that big a deal. I have four kids. The eldest around the same age as the ops kid. I really can't visualise the conversation. Who would they come out to? I don't know who amongst their peers or family would need anything explained and we're about as middle Ireland as it gets in background. I'm a middle aged farmer.

Edit; who hasn't a clue what a Heinlein novel is until I look up Wikipedia in a few mins.

Speedwell

freedominacup wrote: »

I think the op is getting a bit of a tough time also fwiw. But, serious question, do kids still come out? Is it still that big a deal. I have four kids. The eldest around the same age as the ops kid. I really can't visualise the conversation. Who would they come out to? I don't know who amongst their peers or family would need anything explained and we're about as middle Ireland as it gets in background. I'm a middle aged farmer.

Edit; who hasn't a clue what a Heinlein novel is until I look up Wikipedia in a few mins.

For someone with your username, I'd think Heinlein would be a cinch

For the rest, Heinlein is considered one of the foremost founding masters of science fiction. "Stranger in a Strange Land" is probably the novel you've heard of. Real far-out stuff, very heavy on the free-love and libertarian ideology, and probably not all that appropriate for a 15-year-old, anyway. It occurs to me that my grandmother might have been giving me a subtle wink in case I really was a lesbian, given that Heinlein's novels treat all sorts of sexuality with great sympathy. One of the novels was, after all, Friday.

Gee, now I wonder whether my grandmother was bisexual.

door

If you think your child might be homosexual, the best advice I would suggest, as she is 14, is to begin casually and actively making positive comments when possible about LGBT rights or about LGBT people. This will make her comfortable about coming out in her own time to you. If she is not homosexual, then you will still have encouraged your child to respect LGBT rights and people so it's a win-win situation

freedominacup

Speedwell wrote: »

For someone with your username, I'd think Heinlein would be a cinch
, Friday.

Everyone's mind is in the gutter. It's from a kids movie. A description of coffee. Terrible and wonderful at the same time, like.........

Speedwell

freedominacup wrote: »

Everyone's mind is in the gutter. It's from a kids movie. A description of coffee. Terrible and wonderful at the same time, like.........

heh, I thought it referred to homemade hooch. Carry on

freedominacup

door wrote: »

is to begin casually and actively making positive comments when possible about LGBT rights or about LGBT people.

you will still have encouraged your child to respect LGBT rights and people so it's a win-win situation

How many parents don't do this as a default at this stage?

Actually who waits until their children are in their teens before educating their kids about people's rights?. Esp the right to be who they are and treated equally.

freedominacup

Speedwell wrote: »

heh, I thought it referred to homemade hooch. Carry on

You are in a minority. But that's a much better explanation.

IrishMother

IrishMother wrote: »

What does it matter? She is my daughter, I love her, and I just would like to prepare me about this possibility.
I don't care the "fashion" or the "political correctness", and you're "what doesn't matter". She's only 14.
I talk you about my baby as a classic mother. I'm not homophobic, and I will be always with my daughter, lesbian or straight. But I just want to prepare myself for an uncommon eventuality (sorry but it's a fact).

Don't worry, there are those of us who believe you are being a regular good mother who has an interest in the sexuality of her daughter.
It can be hard to work out and even harder to have a discussion with a 14 year old about it without causing friction.

I would say your daughter may not be lesbian but she may think it's "cool".

I could be way off, but look you are not doing anything wrong asking for advice.

Jentle Grenade

Its tough OP but all you can do at this stage is be positive about all kinds of people, regardless of any labels they may have. I spend all week in dresses and skirts, spend way too much money on shoes and handbags, and loads of other stereotypically girly activities and I'm fantastically homosexual and soon to be married to an equally girly girl. I don't think its as cut and dry as it used to be in identifying people's sexual preference, suppose that's progress

door

freedominacup wrote: »

How many parents don't do this as a default at this stage?

Actually who waits until their children are in their teens before educating their kids about people's rights?. Esp the right to be who they are and treated equally.

More than you might want to know.

louloumc89

It's lovely that you're watching out for her, and preparing for the possibility. I was a sporty 14 year old, with no boyfriend, loved watching gay role models in the media etc... and as it turns out I am a lesbian, and my mother was shocked, she thought I was just a tomboy.

So your daughter absolutely could be, and she could be bi, or straight, or interested in nobody at all. It is early, but if you stay listening to her, and I think make sure she does know that she doesn't need to get into a label, and you are there for her. Encourage PLL (pretty little liars) with her, and show an interest, make sure she knows you are ok with gay/trans people. For a lot of people sexuality is fluid, and I know a lot of lesbians & straight girls who are now bisexual. Best of luck!

SILVAMAN

eviltwin wrote: »

You could try asking her...

You really think watching Ellen is a sign of anything?

If she's gay she see's Ellen as someone she can relate to,so yes, it's quite possible.
As a closeted youngster, I was finely attuned to the possibility of homosexuality/gay characters/debates on the subject on TV and radio. It was about people like me. Whether it was a married male politician with a male lover,or the innuendo around the death of Vincent Hanly, or the gay scene in Midnight Express, I was interested. They had a resonance for me that they did not have for straight people.
It's a similar situation to those ostensibly straight people who mouth off about ******s and queers; it's as close as they can come to admitting to what they are.
I think it is worth remembering that for gay people, we have had time to adjust to and understand our orientation, and for our parents, it happens to be a new reality which they have to learn to understand.
Kudos to OP for her post, and for looking out for her daughter.

bridgetown1

Have you tried asking her????

(gently, of course! choose your time!)