Counselling not going well

LegacyUser

Hi,

Not sure where I'll going with this, but...

I've posted many times previously about my struggles with depression and isolation. I've never had much of a social life, nor many friends. The friends that I do/(did) have are now married and moved onto to another phase in their life which involves children and hence their lifestyle is in a different zone.

Even when we did go out, I felt like I was tagging on as opposed to being an integral part of the group. However, I think this may be in my head and that they would view me as truly part of the group. When we went out I was too shy to talk to girls and as the anxiety built up about chatting to girls I'd often retreat and get drunk or pretend to be drunk in order to have an excuse.

Fast forward to today. I have no social life now. I have noone to go out with. I've never had a gf. I'm 39yo. My life now revolves around work, sometimes gym and the internet.

I've been in and out of counselling for this for approximately 18 years. Nothing seems to have changed for me, although possibly there is a greater recognition of my issues and awareness of myself hiding from things.

I'm currently attending a private counsellor for approximately 1.5 years now. I feel that progress has been slow bordering on stationary. I just cannot open up to her. Not sure why, but it just doesn't seem to be what I expected it to be. I would go into the session and sit in silence, possibly only talking for 5 - 10 minutes out of the 50 minutes sessions. Sometimes I say nothing, sometimes I get frustrated by the silence and get up and leave early. There have been moments where it seemed to be working, but those are few and far between.

I want it to work, but I can't see how to recover this. However, I also do not want to start again with another counsellor. I've been with so many counsellors (lost count - possibly approaching double figures). My current counsellor said that many of these could not help as they were for a fixed number of sessions and were unable to help with my issues because of this. I would tend to agree that the time limited treatments did not help.

The counselling is costing me a lot of money, but I keep going like someone who buys a lottery ticket in the hope of winning. I could keep going to it forever, that is easy, but it doesn’t seem to be working for me.

I asked about change of approach, but she said this was her way. I don’t know what to do. It isn’t working and I don’t know how to resolve it. I could keep going to the sessions, but nothing seems to happening for me. I don't want to stop though. even though it is a reflection of my problems - it is a routine for me and I'm finding it now difficult to break. I go even though I do not interact or engage.

I can’t blame the therapist for it all. I know that it is probably mostly my fault, but I just can’t get going and talk. I don’t know what to say. I hate the silences and they frustrate me to the point that I refuse to talk for the remainder of the session as payback for making me feel this way. It seems to be a clash. Conversely, she she knows this and in my opinion does not seem to do anything to help dig me out of the hole.

Sometimes I feel that when I’ve tried to bring up some things they were brushed aside even though I thought them worth talking about.

At my age I’ve let so many opportunities slip past and wasted so many years that instead of looking forward, all I can do is dwell on my current situation and look backwards with wistful regret and anger.

I’ve no confidence with the opposite sex. When out in groups I struggle to join in the conversation and say nothing. I’m not sure but this might make me appear disinterested or aloof. It has been something I’ve been accused of before. I just tend to drift out of following conversations and end up people watching which is sometimes interpreted by others as being bored.

Love and marriage are out the window now. I’ve got too much baggage. I’m too used to my own company and not having anyone else to consider. This has gone on too long to be resolved for this.

Maybe I should stop trying to change myself and just accept who I am, even though it is not a person I want to be long term. How long can I keep going through this – even though it feels like the last few years have not been given 100% effort?

Apologies for the length of this ramble

zoobizoo

Change therapist to someone who asks questions and speaks

I've been to a head nodder before.

Got nowhere but frustration

You're not paying for silence. What type of qualifications do they have?

Check out Emotion Focused Therapy.

bp

Could you try a male counsellor instead? If you have problems talking to women anyway maybe trying to lay your problems out to a female is creating a block? Only you can get yourself talking but you need to be comfortable with the person to whom you are speaking

StanleyOllie

I am sorry you are in such a difficult place. I hope I dont sound harsh but 18 years of counselling is a long time. The counselling in itself is not going to be a magical cure. You must participate. The only way you are going to improve is if you really try and work hard to change yourself and your mindset. You are the one that with the power to do this not just the counsellor.

Triangla

Instead of going in and seeing what you end up discussing, would you consider writing down whatever issues or thoughts crop up over the course of the week?

Lots of people are great at conveying thoughts on paper but find it more difficult in conversation.

If you organise your weekly notes/journal before your session at least you and the therapist have material to work through.

eviltwin

Apart from the counselling what steps are you taking to change your situation? Counselling won't fix you, you fix you but it's not enough just to see your therapist every week, you need to be doing practical stuff as well. Is your counsellor helping you set goals for this? Talking alone won't solve your problems.

LegacyUser

I do councelling myself OP.

Am maybe.....4 years at it (I love it...best thing I could have ever done for myself).

I copped on after a few sessions that it wasnt councelling that was going to develop/fix (insert word here) me. It was myself. Councelling is a support for me to do that. And a safe place I can talk, and develop ideas, and then (with that support) apply them to my life.

Ironically, you need to become proactive yourself during the sessions. See it as a safe place where you can "be" something different or allow different ideas to develop. And then practice it in the actual world. Then go back and talk about what happened.

If youre sitting there in a chair, saying nothing, its not really the councellors fault. I would think they are waiting for you to have a realisation. Maybe this post is it! You are choosing how to spent your time in there, much as you are choosing how you are spending time in your life. And the responsibility in fact lies with YOU. Not the councellor.

The other day I was in there and had a question about self esteem, confidence, and ego. How are they all interconnected? I dont suffer from lack of confidence. I suffer from low self esteem.

There are times when I do sit there, and am desperately feeling sorry for myself, and that is allowed.

Go back in there with a different attitude.

One of the first things I would discuss (or talk about with her) is why you seem devoid of taking responsibility.

Big Bag of Chips

sitting in silence wrote: »

I'm currently attending a private counsellor for approximately 1.5 years now. Sometimes I say nothing, sometimes I get frustrated by the silence and get up and leave early. My current counsellor said that many of these could not help as they were for a fixed number of sessions and were unable to help with my issues because of this.

Whereas she can take money off you for as long as you are willing to hand it over, and mostly do nothing for it! Sometimes you're not even there, but pay her the full amount anyway? The cynic in me would say she's happy to not help you. You don't get better, and you keep going back. If this is "her way", fair enough. It might work for some, but it won't work for everyone, and it's clearly not working for you.

As others have asked, outside of going to the counselling sessions, what are you proactively doing? Work, sometimes the gym, and the internet are where your problems lie. You have no social life because you don't socialise. You depended heavily on one group, and when that group moved in different directions you were left stranded. Most people are a bit daunted by going into a new group. I would be pretty confident and outgoing. I'm ALWAYS anxious about joining something new. Always! I feel nervous. Will I fit in? Will they like me? Will I meet at least one person who'll sit beside me and talk to me? Will I be a loner in a corner? Everyone gets feelings like that. But what you have to do is push yourself. I don't suffer with any anxiety issues and it can be difficult, so I'm not underestimating how that difficulty would be magnified for you. But you should realise that every person in that room will be feeling some level of nervousness, or will have felt it when they started. You won't be alone in that regard.

I suggest you stop spending your money to go sit in a silent room. Sure you can do that at home for free. And I suggest you use your money to take up a hobby. Anything, running, cycling, drama, sailing, the scouts (always looking for volunteer leaders), dancing. Anything that involves more than just yourself.

You can talk (or not) about things for the next 20 years. But unless you do something, nothing will change.

ahnow

You need to start talking in therapy if you want this to work. It's as simple as that. A change isn't going to come from the outside, it has to come from you. The therapist cant tell you that because the decision for change has to come from you-the therapist also cant tell you the answers because you need to learn them from yourself.
You pay this money to go to the therapy, an hour a week or what ever amount of time that it is, for you. That hour is paid for by you, and is dedicated to you, and you are actively choosing to sit there for most of it in silence. So it is up to you to make that change.
The part that stands out the most in your post is that you say that the therapist knows your opinion and does not seem to do anything to dig you out of the hole. You have to be the one to talk! The therapist is waiting and surely hoping for you to start digging yourself out of that hole. Their role in this is to guide you through that process, but it all has to come from you.
You're angry and resentful of the silences in the room, and you're blaming the therapist for this, but this is exactly what is going on for you in the outside world, so perhaps start by talking about that. Talk about feeling angry and resentful of this, or feeling annoyed at the therapist, and then go on from there. But it's you that has to decide to make the change.

LegacyUser

Can I just add.

I know posters are well intentioned with the "just get up off your arse" thoughts.

But it is not as easy as this (unfortunately). I imagine he is literally paralysed with fear (and this problem at the foundation is what needs to be fixed/healed).

It really is baby steps OP. But youve got to realise (I would consider this quite a big step, so take however many baby steps you need) that its only you that can change things.

It took me a full year to literally change a behaviour I had-I did the "I CANT" for a good 6 months. "Its too hard". I everntually got so angry at myself "am paying this money to personally develop myself and am stopping myself", I said "fcuk it, I can". And I did.

Behaviours and beliefs are so ingrained in ourselves, but can be changed. It takes work.

In my sessions (which at times can be very very hard), I take ideas etc that we talk about/that I brought up, and apply them in real life, as best I can. First time I ever had to do something for myself (stand up for myself), I really thought I was going to die. I did it. And went went back and talked about all that.

Rubberchikken

op others have a point. the change has to come from you.
i realise that maybe the counsellors way is 'her way' but to be honest she could be straight up and say that if you're not benefitting then maybe a different tack is needed.

you seem to have come to the realisation that something needs to be done. tell her this. tell her how you actually feel. be honest with her and yourself.
wishing you all the best.

LegacyUser

You need to start talking in therapy if you want this to work. It's as simple as that. A change isn't going to come from the outside, it has to come from you. The therapist cant tell you that because the decision for change has to come from you-the therapist also cant tell you the answers because you need to learn them from yourself.
You pay this money to go to the therapy, an hour a week or what ever amount of time that it is, for you. That hour is paid for by you, and is dedicated to you, and you are actively choosing to sit there for most of it in silence. So it is up to you to make that change.

So what is the point of a counsellor, if they are not going to help me through this? They are getting approx €70ph and are unable to help me get of this fear or inability to talk. No change of tact, or different approaches. What exactly am I paying a counsellor for here?

Their role in this is to guide you through that process, but it all has to come from you.

Maybe then they should do some guiding instead of sitting taking handy money?

Talk about feeling angry and resentful of this, or feeling annoyed at the therapist, and then go on from there. But it's you that has to decide to make the change.

I can't. I cannot talk. I CAN'T DO THIS. That is the problem and noone is helping with this problem.

I suggest you stop spending your money to go sit in a silent room. Sure you can do that at home for free. And I suggest you use your money to take up a hobby. Anything, running, cycling, drama, sailing, the scouts (always looking for volunteer leaders), dancing. Anything that involves more than just yourself.

I've tried nightclasses, gym classes, waterskiing all to no avail. Why? Because I cannot talk with people. Becuase I've got nothing to say. I zone out of conversations. I have no real interests or hobbies.

Could you try a male counsellor instead?

I've had one previously and he was probably the worst. Kept telling me about how he was chatting to girls at the gym and and all this type of stuff. Encouraged me to go to a bar on my own. Worst suggestion ever.

Sound Bite

Op, do you know why you can't talk?

Fear, embarrassment, reluctance etc.

Alternatively, print out your post. Tell your counsellor that you can't talk but that perhaps she would read your post to get an understanding of how you feel. It might allow her to then start asking mote questions.

It''s tough but without you talking at all, there cannot be any progress. I wish you the best

ahnow

It sounds like the type of counselling you're in might be psychoanalysis...would that be correct? That type of therapy works in a particular way, you have to get to the talking part for it to work though. I'm a bit wary about explaining how different therapies work because you might be more resistant to change then if you do know, but there's a reason why different therapies operate in the way that they do-and it's all to help you! Perhaps you are not suited to that type of therapy, although it can be very effective. No therapy is a quick fix or magic combination. It's hard work that has to come from you.
I hear what you're saying about not being able to talk. It's figuring that out is the key. If you were even able to start discussing the not being able to talk in the next session and go from there.
What are your expectations of the therapist? What would you like in a therapist, and what do you want to get from it? What would be your ideal therapy session, what does it look like? Perhaps look at those questions and go from there. Research the different types of therapies out there that you think might suit you better.
You are at the moment resisting the therapy, and your last post is a repitition of all the ways you say you cant be helped. No one is beyond help in my opinion, and you have put these roadblocks in your head, because on the other side of things you are unhappy in your life, which says you believe somewhere inside you that you deserve and want a better life for yourself.
I hope you get something sorted for yourself because it sounds tough going.

Coffeeandtea

Hi OP....I have social anxiety and also a therapy vetearn. ...so I have two points

Therapy can't work if your are not willing to open to your therapist.

That being said your therapist sounds crap and your clearly not comfortable with her.

If she were any good she would have said to you months ago...".therapy can't work if you can't talk...maybe you don't trust me or feel comfortable with me (or maybe anyone and maybe thats your biggest issue)....but if you can't talk to me or trust me therapy can't work. ...maybe your not ready for therapy right now...but I'm here for you if you ever do feel ready to open up....call me if you ever need too...I wish you well"

And that's exactly what any therapist worth their salt would have done.

A smart and capable would have known you wasting your and her time and would have a queue of people who were ready for help

Whether it's out of incompetence or love of your money she is enabling you to have false crutch that paying someone to watch you sit in silence is doing any good.

I had a therapist who was very friendly and nice in some ways but I felt it was directionless and going nowhere but everytime I went to 'leave' he would say I was not ready....in hindsight do think this guy may have attached to my weakly fee.


Sorry this is so long....but don't give up....not all therapists are created equally....it's a bit if gift really.

I have had some great therapists who really supported me through some very rough patches.
(And at the time friendly support was just what I needed).

But in terms of growing and changing and understanding myself it's really only happening in last few years.

My current therapist is truly gifted....therapy is not just goalless rambling.....but also I talk...a lot. ..about the worst things I've done to my most embarrassING thoughts.

Also I'm doing a lot outside therapy...meditating...getting outside my comfort zone....

Anyway I realise this is way too long.....but maybe think about why you want to go therapy?

What do u expect to get out of it?

What do you expect to happen in therapy?

Maybe read some good books on social anxiety /depression...different types of counselling and therapies.

Good luck...and no its not too late.

So I had too add....maybe I'm biased because I had experience of someone ripping me off (definitely am a bit).....it is possible that your therapist sees you as someone in need who she really feels she can help....it's possible.....but if you are going to see her again I would ask her how she thinks she can help you...what's her plan....it doesn't have to be a big a mystery ...I read the post above mine and thought it had a lot of solid advise

LegacyUser

OP, didn't you post this exact same thread a few months ago? You were incredibly angry at your therapist and said the exact same thing: you come in to every session and refuse to speak and then get angry that your therapist isn't trying to pull information out of you and then you turn it into some game where you refuse to "break" first and speak. Apologies if that wasn't you, but it's incredibly similar and I'd highly recommend reading over that thread! There was a lot of good information there. I think the consensus was partially "different strokes for different folks" in that you're obviously not meshing particularly well with this therapist and you should try either a different form of therapy (talk therapy, cbt, etc.) and partially "you need to help yourself". You're doing yourself no favours by sitting in silence and getting angry that your therapist isn't trying to pull teeth getting you to talk.

OP, I was in therapy for many many years (with the same therapist). And really what I learned was that you need to help yourself more than they need to help you. For example, silence for me was an evasion tactic. Whenever my therapist would start to talk about something that made me uncomfortable (embarrassed, ashamed, etc.) I would clam up and stare at my hands and pick at my cuticles. Whenever she pushed me on the issues I would shrug and say "I dunno". Eventually she learned that instead of pushing for an answer she needed to wait until I built up the courage to speak. I'm the same in arguments. Whenever I argued with my OH, I would clam up and shrug until I could build up enough courage to force myself to say whatever I needed to say. It sounds like we're a bit similar in that respect except instead of forcing yourself to actually say something, you internalise everything and then get incredibly angry that no one is helping you. So I'll reiterate: YOU NEED TO TRY AND HELP YOURSELF. It's going to be incredibly difficult and pretty sh**ty to be honest, but it's the only way to actually feel better about things and begin to move along.

Faith

OP, I remember your other threads very well, and what is clear is that nothing has changed. You got excellent advice in the last threads, including from me, and you haven't taken any of it on board. You were advised to change therapist, to start talking about ANYTHING at all, or to write things down. If you are unwilling to do any of the things suggested, then how can you complain that nothing is happening?

Imagine it as someone stranded in a boat on a lake because the engine died. The person won't use oars, they won't swim, they won't call for help. How can they get out of the lake? No current is going to magically bring them to shore.

Passivity is a common theme on PI, but you are the most passive person I have ever come across here. You are the one paying an unthinkable amount of money to sit in silence and get annoyed. So either change it, or accept that this is your life. You have wasted 18 years by refusing to engage with the process. You can decide whether you want to change now or decide that's too hard. There are no excuses that will fly. You either want help, in which case you will take all of the excellent advice you have been given, or you don't, in which case we'll see you back here with the same complaint in 6 months. It's your call. You need to take responsibility for your life at some point.

Big Bag of Chips

18 years of counselling and 18 months @ €70 a go with this one and all you can come up with is you can't talk. If after 18 years you're realising that you can't talk, then why go to therapy where you are exkected to talk this through? It's not working for you. You're getting angry at everyone, your therapist, people here offering advice. You are the one going looking for help, yet getting angry because it's not fixing you. After 18 years have you not realised that nobody else can fix you? It will be down to you. If you need a counsellor who will guide you, then you need to find one. This one has told you she won't do that. Yet every week/month whatever you hand her €65/€70 to not do what you are looking for.

You say you can't talk. Fair enough. Some people can. Some can't. The thing I've found as an adult, is there is less pressure on you to 'fit in'. As people get older they become more accepting of people's personalities. You don't have to be centre of attention. You can say hi. And leave it at that. People may try to engage you in conversation. They may ask you questions. You can answer as briefly or as detailed as you can manage. You don't have to ask questions back. People will soon realise you are a bit quiet and leave you be. But will still be happy for you to be part of the group. Somebody might sit beside you and quietly talk one on one, away from the group. Without putting you under pressure to involve yourself in group discussion. Or they may just take their cues from you and let you open up in your own time.

I know, and I understand how this seems like the end of the world to you. But you also know that your fear and anxiety is irrational. And the only way to push yourself past an irrational fear is to do the things you are afraid of, and see what happens. I can guarantee you, absolutely guarantee you if you push yourself the only thing that will happen is you will feel incredibly anxious for a time, maybe cripplingly anxious, but once that moment has passed and once you've done it, you will feel a relief, and you will realise that you are still standing. The group is still going (and largely unaware of any issue you may be internally struggling with!)

Honestly OP, I feel so sad for you. You are crippled by this irrational and terrifying anxiety. But you are intelligent enough to know that there is a better life. You're not accepting this as your lot. But at the same time you are allowing yourself to be smothered by this to the point where you think there's no point trying because you can't do it, and even if you do do it, you'll do it 'wrong' or it won't go according to plan. Nobody else knows the plan! Nobody else thinks about you or worries about your behaviour a fraction of what you do!!

As soon as you convince yourself that in general people are largely the same, they all just want to get along with each other, and hope nobody recognises their insecurities you will be better able to make peace with yourself!!

I hope you will eventually take the step OP. And realise, it doesn't matter. If you don't talk, it doesn't matter. If you stutter a bit, it doesn't matter. If you say something stupid, it doesn't matter. People are more accepting and more forgiving than you give them credit for. The only person you are affecting, is you.

dellas1979

You CAN talk (if you have mouth/tongue/vocal chords)

You just wont talk (due to something).

There is a hugedifference.

Are you not curious why you wont talk?

Coffeeandtea

At my age I’ve let so many opportunities slip past and wasted so many years that instead of looking forward, all I can do is dwell on my current situation and look backwards with wistful regret and anger.

So hi back again....I think you have to look at why your doing this....your going to a counsellor you don't find helpful and also you go and don't talk even though you know it's not going to work if you don't talk.

So you have to think what is secondary gain from A) staying as you are and going to a therapist but making no effort.

Only you really know the answer to that. I can only speculate. ...but it seems to me (and I don't you so I could be wrong )...but the only thing you gain from this "therapy" is the illusion that you are actually be proactive in trying to change and also someone to be angry with and blame for your current predicament.

The reason I included the above quote from your post...is I think you have the answer there. Your angry with yourself and have regret for wasting your life.....but 39 is young if you don't smoke you have 60 yes left and if your a guy it's not to late for a family if that's what you want.

Blaming you self or others is a waste of time. It's natural to want to....especI ally if your depressed.

But you say you have work...so you managed despite all your obstacles to get that going....

You are trying to change but are resisting leaving the comfortable safe space your in (I've been there)....I wonder also if you changed now and got the life you wanted do u subconsciously fear you'd feel even more regret for the years you feel you've wasted


So these are my speculations as to why you are doing this....based on my experiences....I've been making changes but as soon as things start going really well I revert back to my old destructive habits....I think with me it is fear of change /success.

We all do it....do things we say we don't want to and then say we don't know why....but in my opinion and from my own personal experience there is also dome secondary gain that keeps us doing the thing we say don't want to do......it could be avoidance of change or avoidance of negative emotions. ..or because we have story that involves us being a certain way and other people being a certain and we're heavily invested in maintaining that narrative because it makes sense and is part of our identity....

So really only you know what is your secondary gain from all this....ironically enough a good therapist should be able to help you by providing a safe and accepting place for you to explore this.

I wish you well on your journey. ..I think you can do it. ....and no its definitely not to late. ...stop blaming yourself ....have compassion for yourself and start thing about your positive aspects......also your not the only one with problems that hold them back in life.....may not be obvious but a lot of people have something there struggling with.

LegacyUser

Sound Bite wrote: »

Op, do you know why you can't talk?

Fear, embarrassment, reluctance etc.

I have no idea as to why I can't talk. It starts off as a moment to gather thoughts and then morphs into something else and gathers momentum. I then try to see how long I can manage without talking.
She keeps asking me to tell her my thoughts. I struggle to do so and now when I her that question I shut down and refuse to engage. I hate that question.

Alternatively, print out your post. Tell your counsellor that you can't talk but that perhaps she would read your post to get an understanding of how you feel. It might allow her to then start asking mote questions.

I done this with my last thread. From recollection she was impressed with the quality of the replies. Unsurprisingly, she didn't like the one that called her a charlatan

It sounds like the type of counselling you're in might be psychoanalysis...would that be correct?

Yes, I believe it is along those lines.

What are your expectations of the therapist? What would you like in a therapist, and what do you want to get from it? What would be your ideal therapy session, what does it look like?

Good question. Making me feel comfortable and not on edge. Number of approaches, being comfortable enough to talk and raise things. I don't know.

If she were any good she would have said to you months ago...".therapy can't work if you can't talk...maybe you don't trust me or feel comfortable with me (or maybe anyone and maybe thats your biggest issue)....but if you can't talk to me or trust me therapy can't work. ...maybe your not ready for therapy right now...but I'm here for you if you ever do feel ready to open up....call me if you ever need too...I wish you well"

To be fair, she did say this.

OP, didn't you post this exact same thread a few months ago? You were incredibly angry at your therapist and said the exact same thing: you come in to every session and refuse to speak and then get angry that your therapist isn't trying to pull information out of you and then you turn it into some game where you refuse to "break" first and speak. Apologies if that wasn't you, but it's incredibly similar and I'd highly recommend reading over that thread!

Yes, that was me. I was looking for that thread, but couldn't find it as I posted anon and didn't remember much about the specifics for a search.

Are you not curious why you wont talk?

I'm not sure if it has been discussed - not that I can remember.

But you say you have work...so you managed despite all your obstacles to get that going....

Yes, I have a job. However, I am not very good at it. I am continually stressed and tired. I was bordering on tears/tantrum this evening becuase I've wasted a day trying to get something to work and I genuinely did not know how to do it. My job is affecting all aspects of my life now and at times I don't think I'm far from a breakdown.
I could get another job - but not in my field. The only other choice for me was to emigrate and I'm too old for that.

I wonder also if you changed now and got the life you wanted do u subconsciously fear you'd feel even more regret for the years you feel you've wasted

I sometimes think that if I got 'cured' I would be so frustrated and annoyed by realising that a few changes gave me a life and that the wasted 20 years were unnecessary and that I could have been normal.

Coffeeandtea

I don't want to be harsh but you are playing a passive aggressive mind game with your therapist. You don't talk , but get angry when she nudges you to talk, and then sit there is passive aggressive silence....how horrible for your therapist. ....are there people in your past who actually made you feel uncomfortable expressing yourself or didn't listen to you when you needed them to....what I'm asking is this transference?

In any case your therapist is enabling to keep this charade going where you get to blame someone else for your problem....I could understand and it would normal to let that play out for a few sessions. ...but 18 months.....she's an incompetent therapist. So you do need a new therapist I. M.o....not that it's your therapist fault you don't talk. ..that's all you.


I know all this harsh....and it is....but these are strong unconscious motives driving your behaviour.... .so me i overeat and dont exercise enough....so what is my secondary gain???...I actually had a good chat with therapist today about this...I had ideas. ..we discussed them...she gave suggestions for ways to move forward.....it's a journey..... i fear i will end up like these 600 pounders on TV if I keep this up....but I think I have self protective reasons to want to stay fugly and hating myself........I'm telling you this just to show you we all do it...well I do it anyway...and I'm not judging you...and you shouldn't judge yourself....you have strong self protective mechanisms that are motivating you not to really change....but with the right help and some self compassionate insight you can move forward.....IF YOU REALLY WANT TO

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

You remind me of myself a little bit. I've piled on a load of weight over the last few years and if I'm honest, part of me doesn't want to give it up. I hate being fat (who doesn't?) but it's proving to be very hard to lose food as a thing that brings me great pleasure. I'm lonely, single, living somewhere I don't really want to live and have a terminally ill parent. I'm never happier than when the fridge and the presses are full of food so I can tuck in whenever I want.

Last year I signed up for a certain weight loss program which involves personal sessions with an advisor. After the second session which would've been the first weigh-in after joining, I became incredibly angry about it all. I could feel myself burning up with resentment when I went to the appointments and sat down beside the advisor. I thought she was a patronising skinny cow who was trotting out pseudo science bull and I hated her for that. I refused to listen to the CD they'd given me. I wouldn't read the book or fill in the forms that were supposed to help me. In the end I quit the course. I think the weight loss program made me so angry because it was trying to make me address my issues and I didn't want to go there.
It was wrong of me to divert my anger towards the advisor. She was only doing her job. It's not her fault that I was not in the right head space to help myself.

(I have recently joined another slimming class with a different and it is going better)

Merkin

Because this is at least your second thread on this very issue I am going to lock the thread OP. You were given very constructive and helpful advice in the last thread and again in this thread. Ultimately, a lot of self improvement has to come from within so I'm not entirely sure repeating the same advice ad nauseum and you not actually doing anything differently is useful or helpful to anyone. Please read your threads again and seriously consider the advice/printing out the thread to bring to your therapist. Best of luck.