How to deal with a self-obsessed friend?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I didn't want to discuss this issue. I thought that the issue would go away but, given it hasn't (indeed the issue mushrooms, weekly), I'm now compelled to seek advice.

First, a little backdrop.

I have a friend, a man of 30. We've been friends for quite some time now, several years at least. We decided, only last year, to move in with one another (along with a mutual friend). Since I've moved in with this friend (whom I'll refer to as 'Richard' from here on in), I've come to the unsavory conclusion that Richard is a self-obsessed narcissist.

And therein lies the problem, as I hitherto considered Richard to be a close friend. I'm now re-examining events over our past three years of friendship through the prism of narcissism. For example, Richard would constantly talk about his life and what he wants to achieve, but wouldn't discuss with me what's happening in my life, or what ambitions I hold.

Richard would constantly present his extra-curricular projects in front of me, looking for praise. He would persistently talk about his close circle of inner friends, each of whom has had some degree of success in their life (or an idiosyncratic advantage of some kind) - in other words, a form of namedropping. When Richard is travelling, he does his absolute best to talk about how great the holiday will be and, when he comes home, I'm subjected to a deluge of intimate details about the inns and outs of the vacation. It's one thing discussing holidays in general terms, quite another to almost brag about it.

The other week, Richard talked about his life and his friends for 90 minutes of a 105 minute conversation. In those 90 minutes, I had to listen to endless stories about what's going on in the life of his interesting and successful friends, and how his life and projects are going oh-so rosy. While I was questioning him about his life, the favor was not returned in kind. The conversation is always swayed to his life and ego, and away from mine. I believe a conversation should be, wherever possible, approximately 50:50 between the two participants.

It's not as if I'm a shy talker, or an introvert, or someone for whom there's little going on. There's plenty to discuss, but I'm left as a permanent listener (and not a friend) of his life and his friends. It's got to the stage now where I can barely talk to this friend, which is saddening not least because I had a lot of time for this friend. Before we moved in together, I somewhat enjoyed the conversation but I now realize that even then the narcissism was present (only it wasn't as obvious given these conversations were in smaller doses).

I'm not sure how to approach the situation as this friend is also allergic to criticism. When I try to broach a critique of some kind, it ends up being manipulated as if the problem were something to do with me. So I tend to avoid polite critiques for the sake of averting unnecessary, fruitless discussions. Anyway, I'm waffling. I hope I've articulated an accurate portrayal of the problem at hand. Have you ever had to deal with a narcissistic, self-obsessed friend and, if so, how did you deal with it.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Fakediamond

Hiya,

I have (had) a friend who is totally self-obsessed. In her case, it's about her health, her career, love life, basically everything about her and her life. Sadly for me, I put up with her endless self-obsessed phone call/visits for years, mainly because I felt sorry for her, because her life seemed such a mess. What I've now realised is that all of the listening, and attempts to offer constructive advice were useless, because she really doesn't want to change. As long as she has the platform and spotlight, she's weirdly happy with that. I realise that she knows very little about my life after all these years and really doesn't care a jot about that.

Same as your scenario, she doesn't take criticism well and would get angry if I tried to assert myself or my needs.

To cut a very looong story short, I've now cut her out of my life and don't answer her phone calls, or listen to her voice mails, as I know they are full of poor me, I don't know how you can do this to me, I wouldn't do it to you (you already have)!

I'm still not out of the woods with it all and have a lot of thinking to do about why I let her dominate our "friendship" all these years and what possible payoff was in it for me (I think it fulfilled my need to be seen as caring, maybe).

As you said, friendship should be a two way street, yes, we sometimes let friends brag, lean on us, dominate conversations when they're in a crisis, etc. But we absolutely should be able to do the same when things arise for us too. Cut the ties now, don't waste any more time on him, he's not a true friend. Don't waste another minute of your life pandering to his narcissistic ego.

Shint0

OP, just be careful when someone with these tendencies has their ego or self-esteem threatened they can sometimes fly into a rage and even become violent. If you are starting to notice a pattern of behaviour it might be better to seek alternative accommodation.

Big Bag of Chips

Sophocles1234 wrote: »

While I was questioning him about his life, .....

Stop questioning him about his life, for a start!

You've now come to realise that he loves the sound of his own voice. I'd even question if 1/3 of what he says to you is even true. You can continue to live with him, and you can even continue to be friends with him on a superficial level. But stop encouraging him! When he starts, make non committal noises "Hmm", "yeah", "oh", "nice" etc. Don't engage. Don't question him. He is who he is. You're not going to change him, and bringing it up will get you nowhere except frustrated. So just back away.

L.Jenkins

Like ripping off a plaster, do it now and quickly. I had an equally toxic friend, who when he didn't get the attention he wanted, attempted to destroy my relationship with my now wife, by asking a friend to goad me into cheating. It didn't happen and I didn't hear from him for some time.

A good friend of my wife, I shall call S for short, was convinced by him, his girlfriend and the man who got S pregnant that my wife would kill her and take the unborn child. When S discovered her man cheating, she eventually moved away from that group, became our friend and filled us in. From then on, I cut ties and haven't spoken to him since.

Some things are whole heartedly unforgivable. I wouldn't even accept that from my family. So before this person goes full Psycho, cut them out now.

Fakediamond

Shint0 wrote: »

OP, just be careful when someone with these tendencies has their ego or self-esteem threatened they can sometimes fly into a rage and even become violent. If you are starting to notice a pattern of behaviour it might be better to seek alternative accommodation.

Good advice, I wouldn't bother with trying to have it out with him, it will fall on deaf ears anyway. Just move on as soon as you can and create some distance in the meantime. I got out of my situation slowly, just became less available, busy when weekend visits were suggested, screening phone calls. I know it was a bit different for me, but the basic problem is the same, an inability to see or consider someone else's needs.

He would have no problem ruthlessly leaving you in his rear view mirror, if you outlived your usefullness to him.

HS3

You've just described my mother :pac: Unfortunately I can't offer advice on how to deal with it, because I just grin and bear it.

With a friend I think it's different though. You don't have to grin and bear it and you can elbow your way in to conversations. If you're interrupted you can say, hang on I've listened to you now it's my turn. If it doesn't work then I would distance myself.

Some friends take on different roles I find though. I'd be a listener in some friendships and a talker in others. In some I know there's no point talking about myself because as soon as I do the countdown to the other person bringing it round to themselves is on. But it's up to you what you're willing to tolerate.

LegacyUser

You will NEVER, I repeat NEVER change a narcissist.
Bail now.