Ex advice?

LegacyUser

My ex and I broke up about 6 months ago after 2 years I ended it as things had degraded quite badly and all we did was row for a while. I wanted to move things forward at a faster pace than he was comfortable with which I've accepted was wrong and I'm willing to back down on.

We stopped contact for a while and both started seeing other people but it didn't work. We tried to be friends which was going well and I realised I missed him and talked to him about it which turned into a conversation about the break up.
He said he had been utterly destroyed by what had happened and he had thought we had a future, first he said he doesn't think that there is a a way back again as he doesn't think he could trust me again not to walk away if things get bad. Then he said he meant that's just at the moment that he can't see anything positive about the situation or about us after all the rows. I'm not sure if that meant he wants to find a way but he wants to be in contact.
I suggested staying in touch and seeing what happens and he said he wants to do that since then he's called me a few times happy and chatting away normally telling me about his life and what hes up to and interested in mine. He makes sure to tell me when he will next be in touch and that he's just busy if I don't hear from him.
But if I contact him he's quite rude and dismissive and clearly doesn't want to talk to me.

I'm not sure what to make of it all, we were getting on well for weeks and now it's gone very weird all of a sudden, one day it's great the next he seems to hate me.

What should I do? If there's any way of working it out I'd take it I really do love him he's brilliant.

Neyite

he's brilliant.

No, he's really not.

He's stringing you along, only contacts you on his terms, at his convenience, and dangling little breadcrumbs of hope every once in a while so you don't move on.

I'd put money on him being in another relationship or playing the field but is keeping you as a back-up plan.

Aren't you are worth more than that?

batmanrobin

I second what Neyite said.

His getting annoyed at you contacting him outside of his "schedule" is one big giant red flag. My first thought when reading your post was that he has someone else on the go and wants you either as a back up or an ego stroke.

You might love him but really his attitude towards you leaves a lot to be desired.

Might be best if you just completely cut contact and try to move past it. He seems to want it all his way. Not good, OP. Not good at all.

Deub

I don't understand the negativity from posters towards this guy.
He said that he was hurt because you broke up with him. Maybe it is still raw for him and there are some days where he is missing you and that is when he calls. But there are other days where he hates you because you broke up.
If he was clear that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend again, just let him go and don't try to contact him.

LegacyUser

Deub wrote: »

I don't understand the negativity from posters towards this guy.
He said that he was hurt because you broke up with him. Maybe it is still raw for him and there are some days where he is missing you and that is when he calls. But there are other days where he hates you because you broke up.
If he was clear that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend again, just let him go and don't try to contact him.

The problem is that he's not being clear. If he was being clear he would have to tell the OP that he likes her attention and wants to keep her hanging around for an ego stroke, which wouldn't get him far. Much easier to just send mixed messages and teach her not to call him outside of his schedule by being rude to her when she does, in case she intereferes with whatever else he has going on in his life. And the OP thinks he is brilliant so she is asking us why this is happening, rather than asking herself why she's putting up with it, so it seems to be working out well for him so far.

LegacyUser

Op here to clarify a few things.

I'm 100% sure he's not with anyone else. If he was he wouldn't speak to me at all its not in his nature to mess women around and he would think it very unfair on the woman he's with to talk to an ex.
For the same reason I don't think it's an ego boost he's a man in his 30s with only a few relationships he doesn't have flings or anything. He works 14-16 hours a day since we split up doing loads of extra work to bury his feelings I think.

He didn't make it clear he doesn't want to try again he said he in a roundabout way he doesn't know but he wants to see how it goes for a while. He's still very hurt and angry though.

I really appreciate the points of view but I really am sure what hes saying is true. He's not a liar and I'm asking for advice about how to proceed, should I just give him space for as long as he needs? Or should I set some kind of time limit personally?

KikiDee

Hey OP,

Whatever his motives behind this behaviour, you need to walk away. For your sanity. You don't deserve this, no matter how raw/painful the break up was.

Cut contact and try to move on as best you can.

LegacyUser

Not going to demonise the guy there's nothing to gain from that, but really I don't know why you are hanging around for this guy he clearly is in no hurry to be back with you, it sounds like the last time he was dawdling along while you were getting impatient with him, understandably, so don't apologise for you feeling like that.
He just wants to have you as a person to call when he's at a loss, but doesn't want to get your hopes up by being there when you want to talk. There's nothing here op you're wasting your energy, him saying he was detroyed by the break up is keeping you hanging on believing he's in love with you really, but all he wants is what it is now, a casual set up where he can go meet whoever he wants but not be tied to you at all.
Keep moving on, don't be surprised if he suddenly ups his game when you're less available and 'busy' when he calls, take back control your life, be a confident woman who knows her worth, what she wants and go gets it, doesn't hang about waiting on this loser. You may not feel like it but I promise if you get out there and meet loads new people you won't have any interest in flogging this dead horse!

LegacyUser

Privateop wrote: »

I wanted to move things forward at a faster pace than he was comfortable with which I've accepted was wrong and I'm willing to back down on.

No, no, and just NO OP! You were going at your pace. HE was going at his. You did not do anything wrong.

I absolutely feel you and where you are coming from.

I was seeing a guy for 6 months. He wanted to go really slow (fair enough), but after 6 months, he showed no signs of committment. We had a chat. He isnt/wasnt/never will be (God knows) ready (at least with me).

Hurt like hell. But all I know is while he was there humming and ha'ing, I could be missing opportunites to meet someone who WANTED to be with me. Maybe I wont, maybe I will, but its better than being with someone who is on the fence about me.

Am still hurting (because I do miss him), but there is not one thing on gods green earth you can do if someone doesnt want to be with you (for whatever the reasons).

He also seems to be placing a lot of blame on you. And you are carrying that/internalising that. And I dont think what is he doing is fair or just.

rainbowtrout

Deub wrote: »

I don't understand the negativity from posters towards this guy.
He said that he was hurt because you broke up with him. Maybe it is still raw for him and there are some days where he is missing you and that is when he calls. But there are other days where he hates you because you broke up.
If he was clear that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend again, just let him go and don't try to contact him.

So the days that he calls at his convenience are fine, but she is met with rudeness and dismissiveness when she calls. If they were just friends, this shouldn't matter. He is controlling contact and having it all on his terms. She's nothing more than an ego stroke to him. She's better off cutting contact.

Neyite

ophere wrote: »

I really appreciate the points of view but I really am sure what hes saying is true. He's not a liar and I'm asking for advice about how to proceed, should I just give him space for as long as he needs? Or should I set some kind of time limit personally?

Ok, so you are pretty certain. But when two people want to be together, they will be. It really is that simple. Or they are both extremely clear on the reasons why they are apart and have a long term plan for that to come to an end at some point. He's just not that into you - to borrow a phrase from the book and the film.

No advice or experience from others here is going to change your mind then on that. While I wouldn't do it myself, I'd suggest is decide a time frame that suits you if that's what you want to do. Give him this time frame to work out whatever you think is up with him - let him know that you are prepared to wait until say, Christmas. When the time is up, delete his number, stop taking his calls and start dating other people.

I hope it works out the way that you want it to.

Big Bag of Chips

So, after 2 years you wanted to move things on a bit. Perfectly understandable. Especially for someone in their 30s. He wasn't budging, so you finished it. Also fair enough. Now 6 months later you're back in touch, but things still aren't showing any signs of progressing. At all. In fact, he is making it very clear that he has no intention of progressing beyond his scheduled phone calls. Easy for him, after you've broken up, to say how devastated he is and that he saw a future for you. He had you, basically on a plate, offering a future with you, and he wouldn't agree to it. Words are too easy, OP. Actions are needed to back it up, though.

Honestly, move on. You will waste years waiting for him to make a move. And it might never come. As Neyite says, he's just not that into you. If he was he would be excited about moving along, making plans. He might settle down, eventually, but it won't be with you. You've waited long enough and he hasn't shown any great interest. He blames you for everything, when all you were looking for was the next natural step in a long-term relationship for 2 people in their 30s. But it's easier to let you take the blame than just admit that he doesnt want to settle down with you. And because you've accepted that, and taken on the responsibility, he doesn't have to. So it's a cycle where he blamed you. You accepted it, so in his mind he must be right, so no need to change anything about himself because you're the problem. He makes you feel bad about yourself. He makes you feel upset and embarrassed for contacting him outside of his set times!

Honestly, OP, come on! There are plenty of men who will be equally as brilliant, without all the negative stuff that has a you on the internet wondering how to proceed to get him to want to be with you. But for as long as you're stuck on this lad, you're missing out on the chance to meet someone who will be happy to be with you.

If this fella did suddenly decide that he wanted to get back with you, you wouldn't be equals. He has already laid down his markers, and you've accepted them. So you would spend your relationship tip-toeing around issues, putting your own feelings and wants aside always in favour of his. And you won't dare make any mention or suggestion of moving things forward, he will make sure you stay in line and dance to his beat, or else the threat will always be there of it all ending again. He might be a nice fella. He might be a great partner, to somebody else. It's just, for whatever reason, it's not there with you. If it was, you wouldn't be waiting and wondering and feeling bad about yourself.

Save yourself the wrecked head.

Find someone else.

gossamer

It's easier for him to have you in the background. Don't be surprised if one day you find out he's gotten into a relationship and you're just left there. Any protestations on your part will be met with annoyance. He can say that you weren't in a relationship/ you knew where you stood with him. And you won't have a leg to stand on. Forget his "good nature", OP. Sometimes people are selfish. Cut contact and you'll look back and be glad you did it. Don't let someone use you as a stop gap or passing time candidate. It's not fair on you. And as another poster said, you could waste a huge amount of time on this man and still be in the same position in time to come.

LegacyUser

Guest2468 wrote: »

The problem is that he's not being clear. If he was being clear he would have to tell the OP that he likes her attention and wants to keep her hanging around for an ego stroke, which wouldn't get him far. Much easier to just send mixed messages and teach her not to call him outside of his schedule by being rude to her when she does, in case she intereferes with whatever else he has going on in his life. And the OP thinks he is brilliant so she is asking us why this is happening, rather than asking herself why she's putting up with it, so it seems to be working out well for him so far.

You're making assumptions here, it's just as likely that what he's saying is true, that he was destroyed by what happened and that now he's worried she could walk away again. People act like this when they are confused and hurt, they want to be close to the person but they can't because they panic.