Suffering through a breakup

ste76jb

Hi All,

Im a 40 year old guy who is still suffering very badly after 3 months of being broken up with.
The relationship only lasted just short of 8 months. I have been in a good few relationships but I felt this was "the one".
I fell deeply in love with my ex and I believed she felt the same. She is 43 and we are both professionals with no children and neither of us had ever been married.
After 6 months we decided to try and have a baby and we decided we would move in together. The move in date was scheduled for a week after we had broken up.

After about 4 months I started to questin why she hadnt mentioned me to her parents yet. This went on until about 6 months when we finally had an argument about it. She said it was her and she had just been putting it off and that made it more difficult to tell them. I told her that it was ridiculous that we are trying to get pregnant and move in together and that she should cop on and at least mention me. She agreed and did eventually tell them but continued to avoid actually setting up a meeting even though it seemed her parents wanted to meet me as much as I wanted to meet them.

I continued to get more annoyed about this and eventually blew up on her. She had plans on a Fridqay night to meet her girlfriends for a drink after work but was meant to drop over to mine by 8:30. I get a call from her at 10:30 saying shes not feeling well and going home. I was annoyed to say the least. Anyway we had made plans the next day and she was meant to drop over at 5. I didnt hear from her and I called her at 6 and said I thought she was being as rude as she was last night not letting me know she was running late and she got annoyed at me like I had nothing to be upset about.

I told her to do whatever she wanted to do and that I was making other plans. So she ended up going to a bbq at a friends house and I got pissed off and went to the pub. After a couple of pints I started to get even more agitated and called her asking her where she was and she said she was at a friends bbq. That set me off and I told her she was being a **** and that she better get over to me and talk to me about whats going on.

She recognized how pissed off I was and said she wouldnt until the next day when I calmed down. She had been renovating her house which I was involved in also and I threatened to go to the house and "undo" the work I had done if she didnt come by and speak to me. She agreed and showed up with one of her angry lesbian friends for support. I refused to talk to her unless it was in private. She refused and I closed the door on her and she left. I called her the next day and asked her to come by and talk. She arrived this time with my stuff and her father whom I had not met yet.

I asked her to stop being ridiculous, take her father home and come back and talk. She did but came back with more of my stuff and ended it with me. I begged, pleaded, cried and apologized but her mind was made up.
I have since broken every post breakup rule imaginable...texts, calls, emails, showed up at her house unnanounced and out side her job. She will not speak with me and has made no effort to contact me. She cut me off like I never even existed. She has calle dhte guards on me twice and had her solicitor send me a letter humiliatingly requesting that I put in writing that I will make no further contact or they will put out an order on me.

I work in IT and she has told people that I have hacked her email, facebook and financial accounts. I have done none of this.
I loved this Woman with all my heart and I dont understand how what seemed like an amazing relationship has turned into this absolute madness all because of a few bad words and a misunderstanding. It's insane.
Im working out everyday and trying to make myself a better person. I have gone to therapy and am currently in interviews for a better job with more money.

Just trying to make myself all around better. I cant however shake the anxiety and the pain of all this. I cant stop thinking about her like it was just yesterday we were together and everything was fine.
Its the worst period of my entire life. I just want her back and want to talk this through with her but she has not allowed me to speak even once.
Anyone gone through anything like this?, know of any meeting groups for people going through breakups or just have some advice in general?
Thanks

Shint0

OP, have a read back through your own post.

To an outsider from what you describe of what you did there are very strong signs of controlling behaviour from you. See if you can spot it yourself in your post. If not, I'm sure other posters here will point it out to you.

Tilly

Jesus christ! I couldnt finish reading that cause i'm so angry at how you behaved. You spoilt brat! Demanding she do what you tell her. You need to go get help to get rid of that self entitlement attitude.

LegacyUser

Jesus OP what were you thinking? Every paragraph features extreme anger from you and illustrates why you should not be in a relationship. It's unjustified anger and even if you did feel you had the right to get so angry you *do not* just unleash it on a partner -particularly a relatively new partner, you cannot control anyone but yourself, that kind of temper needs therapy. You did not respect any of this woman's feelings or wishes but steamed ahead and lashed out with anger and threats at a GROWN WOMAN when you didn't get the answer/attention you demanded from her. You do not have the right to tell her to say you better get over here and talk to me, when she wanted to stay at a BBQ. You threatened to wreck her house if she didn't talk to you?!? And you are surprised she then met you with the support of a friend and then her father? She absolutely made the right decision. You have to learn that your behaviour is totally not normal, controlling, obsessive, and rather scary. She righly spotted that if that's your way of dealing with her when things don't go your way and so early on, that you were not going to change and this behaviour would get worse and gradually begin to completely control her because she would be scared of your reactions. Get therapy or counselling.

leggo

Yeah OP, the best I can say really is that I hope writing that out helped you figure things out in some way. Your reactions were scary to read, and the fact that she felt the need to bring her father with her for the break-up pretty much confirms she was afraid of you by the end.

I'm sure you're not a bad person at heart, and sure her own behaviour could've been a bit better (she seems to avoid and deflect issues, I've dated girls like that too and it is a melt, but still you should be in control of your reactions) so it's not ALL your fault or anything, but learn from this now while the feelings are still raw so you can improve for the next time. Leave this girl alone, now that the guards and solicitors are involved, contacting her will achieve nothing good. And if you're finding it hard to process, maybe some counselling (CBT in particular may be good - it helps you have control over how you react to things and decisions you make in stressful situations) or anger management may be in order here too since it's had such devastating consequences on your life.

DeltaWhite

Op wow. You really messed up so bad here. Sorry to drive the knife in further but you sound unhinged with how you behaved. Your threats to her about her house etc. And you're in your 40s? Shocking!

Leave her be seriously. When I first read your post I was like wow how controlling is this person!! Then to hear how you're behaving after everything, you're in real danger here of being arrested in my opinion! Stop contacting her, don't turn up at her house or job. Personally, (trying not to be harsh here) I believe you have no chance of reconciliation at this stage.

Sound Bite

OP, there is so much wrong here. You are coming across as controlling, demanding, intense, obsessive but to name a few.

Can you acknowledge this or see any of those behaviours?

It's very telling that she chose to be accompanied by a friend firstly and later her father when meeting with you.

It sounds like she was wary of you at best, if not scared of you. I know I would be based on what you have told us.

You really need to examine your behaviour as I think you might be one step away from a barring order or an arrest.

If she posted the situation here, we would all be telling her to keep running, that it sounds like she had a lucky escape and to get the guards or women's aid involved if things escalated.

You need to seek help with your behaviour. It's not normal and it frightening.

Penny Tration

Ste, she's had to call the Gardai on you twice and send you a solicitor's letter.


You've threatened her home, shown up at her job, refused to speak to her unless alone (despite her obvious fear of being alone with you!), shown up at her house, are harassing her and you're wondering why she's not willing to speak to you?!

Seriously?


Your behaviour here isn't just unhinged and crazy, it's dangerous and scary.


Block this woman and get yourself to a doctor for a mental health assessment immediately unless you want to terrify her even more and end up in a cell!

GingerLily

This post makes me so mad, you are a bully and I am so relieved she stood up to you.
Please seek professional help before seeing anyone else.

Wesser

You say you don't understand why it has descended into absolute madness.
You really really don't understand why?!!!

Let me explain

You threatened to wreck her personal
Property because she would not do what you told her to. That is abuse!!!!

You tried to control her and make her meet her parents when she didn't want to!
You got angry because she was at a BBQ, is a woman not allowed to go to a BBQ anymore? That trying to control her!!!
You are now hassling and intimidating her with constant texts calls etc..

How can you possibly have no clue why she doesn't want to be with you!!!!!!!?????

silverbolt

Oh. Good. Gods.

This woman has had a very very lucky escape from you. Whether you meant it or not this relationship was horrendous on your part.

Stay away and leave her alone

leggo

Guys, I noticed he's closed his account now. In my opinion (and that's all this is, I'm not an authority on the matter by any means), as horrendous as you find his behaviour (and I get it), if you attack him for it you're gonna hit a wall.

We have to put our own personal feelings aside here and at least try empathise with people in hope of achieving the greater good IMO. Otherwise we've just had a guy who may have been oblivious to the depth of his abusive behaviour - else why would he post it so honestly here - ignore anything said and go back out into the world to repeat it with someone else. Whereas there's a potential teachable moment for him here that could lead to happiness for him and another woman in the future, as long as it's handled with care and empathy. If he stonewalls the place he's come in the world to bare all, chances are we've just signed up his ex to another couple of weeks harassment, whereas it could've been a meaningful intervention.

Shint0

While the OP might have closed his account I don't think anybody here was ever going to sugarcoat what he said. He might not have got the responses he imagined when writing the OP but I do sincerely hope he takes on board what posters have pointed out about his behaviour. I hope that he may have gained enough insight to address his attitude and behaviour in intimate relationships.

The OP needs to understand where this attitude originated from and why. I think this can only be achieved by at least trying to seek professional assistance before embarking on any further relationships with women.

leggo

I'm not saying tell him he's the victim and she's this and that, but there's a way of saying things when you remove any personal feelings and look at the bigger picture. If you demonise someone and don't take their feelings into consideration, all you're guaranteeing is that they stop listening. It's not what you say, it's how you say it and all that. Just thought it was worth adding FWIW anyway.

LegacyUser

Just to say to OP sometimes you do not realise own controlling behaviour until pointed out to you. I remember posting a thread once with some issue re an ex girlfriend and people hopped down my throat to tell me how controlling I was. And it was and I was controlling but until that day I didn't my part in the issue. You can run things by friends but they'll tell you what you want to hear. It's hard for strangers to believe you can't see error in your own ways but it happens. Some people don't actually know what normal or perhaps moreso abnormal behaviour in a relationship is until pointed out to them.

LegacyUser

This is what I noticed from you message here. You and your girlfriend agreed to move in together and to start trying for a baby on x date. She broke up with you a week before this was due to happen. You had not met her parents despite making plans like this.

My feeling is that you wanted the girlfriend, the baby and the happy life you imagine other people of your age have as being part of a couple with a baby. Perhaps over time she begin to see how you reacted when you did not get your way. Her friends might have noticed that she was changing around you and was always doing what you wanted. They may have said to her what they noticed about you.

She ended things with you. I know this is not easy when you were making plans to move in together or to have a child with her. The reality is she brough her father with her to get or give back your things. Her father saw what you were like and I am sure he was not impressed.

She ended things with you and rather than sit at home, go out with your pals and get drunk you turned up outside her work, at her house, rang her and sent her text messages.
When she rang the guards on you and sent you a solicitors letter it was time for you to learn from you mistakes, to move on and to leave her alone.
At this stage you need to take a good look at how you reacted here and to learn from the mistakes you made in this realtionship. You need to go to couselling and work on how you react to certain situations.

I would also give you advice that you live with someone a while before you have a baby with them. Don't rush into having a child with a woman you barely know.

BetsyEllen

Gosh I cringed reading your post - I had to go back and read that I was correct that you were 40.

You need counselling or something. Please stay way from this woman.

I'm amazed that you seem confused as to why it all went wrong...

GingerLily

I'm far more concerned about this man's next victim to be honest, it's terrifying to read what's he's openly admitted to without any real sign of remorse.

I've done things in my life I'm not proud of, sometimes you need to be honest with yourself and own up to your bad behaviour, how else can you improve and become a better person?

Neyite

Mod:

I've issued two yellow cards for replies that fall well below the expected standard here.

Let me be clear here - EVERYONE is entitled to civil and constructive replies, without resorting to personal abuse. Boards.ie are very clear on that.

I'm closing this thread as the OP has closed his account and cannot respond.