Did i blow it?

catieC

Hello, would appreciate some feedback on this. Unfortunately, i think i've destroyed a relationship which had lots of potential. Basically, i met a guy on a dating site in June, texted for few weeks with chatty, humorous exchanges before meeting in late June. Met weekly since then including a night away and some stay-overs. For some background, he's 2 years separated, i'm single, we're both in our 40s. No discussion re the future but he was always very generous, affectionate and honest. There was a misunderstanding when he didnt contact for a day following the first time we were intimate when he was appalled at my fear that it might be a one night stand. He was quite adamant that he wasnt that type of guy.
Unfortunately, i am quite insecure in early relationships and fear that any reduction in contact is a sign of loss of interest. Anyhow, he didnt text as much as usual last week with a delay in replying on few occasions and i began to suspect waning of interest. However, he did suggest meeting up on Sunday afternoon and mentioned he wasnt feeling well because of headache and tiredness. i was sitting alone on Friday after a long week, drank a little too much wine and looked on his dating profile where he had logged on in recent days. i was very annoyed and texted immediately asking if he was looking for someone better. Immature and impulsive , i know. It could be entirely innocent as it's one of those sites where one gets daily matches, perhaps he was viewing those.
My tone on Friday wasnt aggressive but i apologised via text via on Saturday morning. Sent a longer text on Sat afternoon, admitting that i'd seen him online but acknowledged it may be quite innocent and basically said it was his prerogative as we hadnt discussed where relationship was going or its pace etc. i asked him to reply but heard nothing. In an effort to clarify matters, i sent another text on Sunday evening where i focused on the good times and admitted i've an issue with anxiety but will seek help for it. Still nothing, he's obviously very angry that i checked on him and questioned his integrity. Don't think he's the type to vanish without explanation. Really regret my actions, did i drive him away or do you think he had lost interest anyway? It's very disappointing and a difficult place to be. Thanks for your response

Katgurl

He's ignored at least three texts, is that right?

I'm a girl but personally if a guy was sending me passive aggressive messages in the very very early days and then explaining and saying he'd get help I'd be having misgivings.

There is really nothing you can do now except see if he gets in touch.

Your instincts may have been correct, his interest may have been waning btw. There really is no way to know unless he contacts you.

MissFlitworth

You possibly have come across as very, very intense over the weekend. I think most people who have done online dating have that the thing where someone has clearly drink texted them and then gone way OTT apologising, and it is offputting.

But, do you really think you are wrong about his interest waning? Early days still, not in touch as much, not in touch at all after you slept together, showing up as having been actually on a dating site. It doesn't sound like you're wrong about those things. Pull back a bit yourself, don't text him or chase him. You've apologised, ball is in his court. He'll either be in touch with you or you will meet someone else. And when you do you'll let their actions speak for them in the early days and should they suddenly start acting like they're not as bothered, leave them to it, no wine fuelled text messages, move on.

Don't do the drinky, dramatic giving out so early on in an online relationship. Oh, 8 years, after I last did that and I still occasionally spot the guy around and cringe a bit

Big Bag of Chips

I always find it weird that a woman (it's usually women!) goes into a dating site. Checks the fella she's meeting up with, sees he's been online, and then goes mad about it. What if he had gone on the dating site to check if you were still active on it? And had seen you logged in?!

Have you blown it? Probably. But as Katgurl says, maybe your gut instinct that he was losing interest was right to begin with.

linpoo

I've been there....I suspect he was keeping his options open. If I was you I'd try hold back a bit in future and make them do all the running.
If man wants you he will contact you a lot....that's what's I've learned. He's not much of a gent if he didn't contact you after you slept together so your better off imo.

You'll forget about him in a few days then someone new will along.

njs030

Kinda sounds like your gut instinct was right that he had lost interest somewhat and you have him a good shove by the overly intense weekend behavior.

For what its worth, it's OK for him to lose interest or for you to lose interest... that the point of dating - to see if your compatible.
Contact always ebbs and flows along the way as people work out what they want.

Leave it now op and next time someone is drifting away let them go-they'll find you a lot more interesting if they think you don't care.

BetsyEllen

Whatever you do , DO NOT text this guy again.

I would actually delete his number now just to make sure that after a few glasses of wine this weekend, if it seems like a great idea to text him again, you have no way of doing so.

We've all been there and I know that feeling only too well - it's horrible when you wake up the next day and there's been no reply. It's cringey.

He may be in touch again, he may not.
Either way save yourself a little dignity and leave it be.

Shint0

OP, don't send any more texts to this man. Don't keep making a fool out of yourself and keep your dignity. Someone has a right not to be interested regardless of whether you had sex or not. I think you probably know sending those successive texts so close together and some of their content was a bit OTT when you have just met somebody.

You already know you have a pattern of feeling a bit insecure at the start of relationships. Dating at the start of a relationship is supposed to be fun and relaxed with no expectations from either side. If somebody likes you enough they won't mind if you feel a bit anxious from time to time but if it affects any relationship and your quality of life then try to do something about it.

Perhaps that's something you should focus on first before trying to start dating again so you will feel more confident and not take rejection so strongly. So clear the head of any negative thoughts and think about making an appointment to deal more effectively with any anxious thoughts.

dellas1979

I think your reaction was to his non reaction. Maybe even trying to provoke a response. All that does is make you look like the crazy one.

And I know it hurts when you like someone and its not going as you had hoped to.

It really is a kicker.

We women are great when picking up that someone we like really isnt interested and trying to "make" it work, at all costs. And we loose the value in ourselves.

Shint0

dellas1979 wrote: »

I think your reaction was to his non reaction. Maybe even trying to provoke a response. All that does is make you look like the crazy one.

The OP did say it was all going fine until after they had sex for the first time. She suggested to him that he might have been only using her for sex for a one-night stand and not interested in a genuine relationship. He seemed to take offence at that which I think is understandable.

It was the OP's own insecurities and fears around rejection which came out which she admits she always has at the start of relationships and all the subsequent texting didn't seem to help matters. I would be inclined to give the guy the benefit of the doubt in this case.

njs030

There can be a lot of reasons people (men or women) can be quiet after sex. They range from genuinely being busy with other thingsright through being unsure if the chemistry was there, wondering if they do went to commit to a relationship (especially if they've been single a while) to the worst case scenarios of having lost interest or having only wanted sex.

All us ladies get a bit jittery after sex, you seem a bit more anxious than usual though so perhaps the best way to avoid that is to wait until you're a bit more sure of where you stand.....and then keep busy!! See friends, go to the cinema, the gym, anything to avoid overthinking!!

Dr Crayfish

Sometimes you can sleep with someone and then think, oh god no that's not for me. This sounds like the usual cliche of "He is just not that into you" etc. Move on but try and chill out next time a man comes into your life.

Merkin

I don't think YOU necessarily blew it. I don't think he was all that pushed, you sensed this and consequently your anxiety precipitated your bad behaviour.

I'd take some time out from dating or else try your best to take a very chilled out and relaxed approach to dating in future. I'd definitely be deleting all of his details so you don't make things worse than they already are.

GritBiscuit

In my experience when people are interested in you, they're interested...full stop...and that interest can be felt through their communication irrespective of how busy they are or the frequency of response. I obviously don't know what was communicated between you but I'd be inclined to trust your intuition feeling that dreaded slow pull back from the level of interest you had grown accustomed to.

Try not to take it personally, unfortunately dating is so hit and miss and any number of things at any number of stages can get in the way of romance blossoming...if I had any advice, it would be to try to stay cool...and busy. So you aren't fixated on any one person and their messages or moves. You know not to drunk dial again but perhaps add texting without having received a reply, questioning motives and mentioning being on dating sites to the list. Date multiple people so you aren't puting all your eggs in once basket and assume neither of you are exclusive until you have "that" conversation. If that means holding back on the intimacy until you are exclusive because you are more comfortable that way, then that's the way to proceed in future.

All the best.

catieC

Hi there, thanks to everyone for your reply. Yes, i definitely need to address certain issues. Should be more secure at my age but so be it, will be more aware in future. On reflection, i think withholding intimacy until we have ''the conversation'' is the best approach for me.
Have heard nothing but hope i kept my dignity my apologizing, wasn't grovelling but at least acknowledged that my behaviour was off and admitted i was unfair to him. Feel bad about losing something potentially great but assume he would overlook a tipsy text if truely interested. Feel he could have replied and at least wished me luck anyhow.
Thanks again

Shint0

Keep plugging away, OP, and don't let that experience put you off. If anything it seems like you have learned from the experience and how you might approach things differently next time.

Emotions can sometimes be very intense and overwhelming at the start of relationships but that intensity can scare some people off. Sometimes slow and steady wins the race