my husband...

Daisy11

Been with my other half 14 years and we have 2 kids together....We got together quite young so have basically been through a lot together...He badly broke my heart 4 years ago which I thought I recovered from but didn't,so we started attending councelling together earlier this year...I really felt we were going somewhere and really put 100% into the relationship,did everything the counciller recommended..him on the other hand was great during the sessions but didn't really change much but I still carried on hoping things would get better..
He goes out a lot by himself which I had an issue with as when he does he just disappears, doesn't call, text or answer his phone..I would never do this and have said I feel he disrespects me by doing it,he apologises but doesn't really see an issue with it...I haven't gone out without him since we started the councelling as he's very paranoid and jealous and I thought by doing this it would ease how he feels but my friends and family are starting to notice and are wanting to know why this is the case when he's always out..I decided to go out last weekend and stay out late with friends,told him and even invited him along..I got home late and got up the next morning to him shouting demanding to know where I had been and who with,said the relationship was over and he left..I didn't see him again till the next day..
Apart from all of this he accuses me on a weekly basis of having some secret lover (I work,come home & look after my kids) he then makes it difficult for me going to work because he reckons I have been with male colleagues...To be honest I don't even know what kind of advice I'm even looking for or if this is even normal?!...He puts me down in front of friends and constantly makes smart comments to me about different things he knows are going to upset me...
My friends have witnessed him putting me down and it's puts a lot of strain on my friendships because obviously they don't like to see me being treated like this but it's like I'm just immune to it and don't see any wrong if that makes sense..
I'm due to go on a work night out in 2 weeks (iv managed to dodge the last 5) and i have now run out of excuses as to why I cannot go and to be honest I'm dreading telling him because I know he's going to make my life hell over it even though truth is I would love to have a night out with my work mates because I'm the only one that never goes,but the agro that comes with me going anywhere just isn't worth it sometimes...
He tells me I can't be trusted with alcohol in me yet I nearly have to babysit him every time were out together...This last week I have felt so low in myself and telling myself I deserve to be treated better but at the same time I don't know any better and am very confused as to what to do or where to go from here...I have very little family support and no one bar him to rely on when it comes to helping out with our kids etc; but surely this isn't normal....

topmanamillion

It's not normal, you know that.

Get out and take the kids with you.

banoffe2

Hi OP you have the answer, this is NOT NORMAL, and you deserve better. Going for couple counselling with a partner who is not fully committed to it or to making changes is not a good investment of your time or emotional energy. You have choices but only you can make the changes, the alternative is to continue in a relationship where you are not valued, respected or appreciated. I wish you the best of luck and keep coming back to boards for support

Sunflower 27

Agree with the others. This sounds like a horrible relationship. It's also interesting that he seems to think you are cheating on him (if that is the reason for his anger). Perhaps that is what he does on his nights out when you can't contact him? You deserve far, far better than this.

Daisy11

Daisy11 wrote: »

...To be honest I don't even know what kind of advice I'm even looking for or if this is even normal?!...

No its not normal and you know that yourself.

I don't mean this to seem patronising but I was recently working with a young person and had her take a look at these questions to help her decide if she was in a healthy relationship.

Do you spend time together and spend time with your own friends too?
Do you feel safe with each other?
Are you proud to be with each other?
Can you solve arguments without being mean and apologise to each other if you have done something wrong?
Do you decide what to do together?
Do you treat each other with respect?
Do you trust each other?
Do you support each other’s ambitions and plans?
Do you encourage each others interests?
Do you respect each other’s opinions?
Do you give each other privacy?
Do close friends and family know about the relationship and can you discuss your relationships with your close family and friends?
Do you allow each other “space” when you need it?

I'm not going to tell you what to do, only you can decide that but if you don't feel you're in a healthy relationship you need to figure out what to do about it and it doesn't sound like counselling is working.

Daisy11

Just reading back over my post and I'm a tad bit embarrassed because of how pathetic it sounds...i find it very difficult to talk about because I never know what to say or how to explain it properly if that makes sense....

At the end of the day I know I should take my kids and get out...its trying to do it that has me feeling so low...I love him (I think) but I feel so depressed and lonely...its like I can't see my life without him in it even though I know I would probably be in a much happier place down the line...at times I actually feel sorry for him because I don't think he realises what he has in front of him (a loving partner and 2 gorgeous children) I have a great career that I worked very hard for but it never seems to be enough no matter how hard I try

Sunflower 27

What is your biggest fear leaving, op?

Daisy11

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

What is your biggest fear leaving, op?

Probably the support I get with my children..He does help a lot with our kids when I have to work as I have no family around...but then I don't know if this is really to help me or so I have money to pay all the bills (he doesn't contribute to anything) because he reckons I make a lot more money than he does

Payton

He broke you heart 4 years ago, Through cheating? .He's putting his insecurities into your mind, probably hoping to deflect the blame from himself with his outbursts and rage...it's a typical thing for a cheater to do.

I'd say he was just going through the motions of going to the counseling sessions again to prove to himself that he's not the problem.
You can't control his life only your own. Is this how you really want to continue with your life and your children's?

La.de.da

No one can tell you what to do OP. But from what you've written you sound very unhappy in your current situation.

You can feel sorry for your husband all you want but if he's not willing to get help for himself or work with you to save your relationship then it's very much time down the drain. And life is too precious and short for that.

I understand what it feels like to be down and exhausted from living in such a controlling relationship. It can seem very daunting and scary thinking of leaving but you have to ultimately do what's right for you and your children.

Have you family you can talk too? Can you possibly arrange some counselling just for you?

Daisy11

Payton wrote: »

He broke you heart 4 years ago, Through cheating? .He's putting his insecurities into your mind, probably hoping to deflect the blame from himself with his outbursts and rage...it's a typical thing for a cheater to do.

I'd say he was just going through the motions of going to the counseling sessions again to prove to himself that he's not the problem.
You can't control his life only your own. Is this how you really want to continue with your life and your children's?

No it's not but it's honestly the first time in 14 years I have actually thought about leaving...
He left me and our children for another woman 4 years ago when our child was very very sick

Payton

What ever his issues are be it guilt for leaving you and the children while one was very sick or he just doesn't want to be there in the marriage...only he can answer but to make life at home intolerable is just cruel. As mentioned above can you contact your counselor or family...just to give yourself a bit of stability.
It's a difficult time for you and the children and sadly I can't see it improving. You really deserve better for yourself and children.

groovyg

Op thats very disrespectful, are you sure the affair with the woman he left you for is over or is dating other women behind your back? It's ok for him to go out not tell you where he is going but if its yourself you have to give me all the details. It might be worth your while going to counselling alone because it sounds like he is going along for your sake.

tea and coffee

He goes out and can't be contacted, but you are not allowed out at all without a sh*tload of guilt and recriminations? He had an affair and then accuses you of having one? You aren't "allowed" to drink on a night out but have to "carry" him home.
He is deflecting massively, a classic technique.

Sure, great he helps with the kids, but you earn more than he does. He sounds like an a$$hat, and from what you have written it sounds like he is having an affair.

Easy for me to say, of course, but you need to leave him- well, ask him to leave.

marizpan

OP, I could have written your post word for word a few months ago.

I'm four months separated now and life is so much better. Like yourself I stayed out of lack of support with the kids.

It was getting to the point where I was having anxiety attacks if I was out or was running late home from work etc.

The hardest part was deciding to leave as I felt it wasn't justified. Now looking back I can't understand why I didn't leave sooner.
I guess you can get very used of being controlled and it becomes your normal.

Best of luck

Lackey

Do you have a daughter?
How would you feel if your daughter was being treated by a man like you are being treated by your husband?
Do you want your children growing up thinking that this is normal behaviour? And how relationships work?

You don't need to answer these questions here but you need to think long and hard about what kind of life you want for your children as well as yourself.

I would advise extreme caution if you decide to end this 'relationship' have all your ducks in a row, women and children are most at risk when they end the relationship and the partner loses control of them.

Sound Bite

Op, you only get one life and one opportunity to give your kids the best childhood possible.

At the moment, you don't appear to be happy and your husband appears to be abuse, even your friends have noticed. Check the woman's aid list of signs you are an abusive relationship.

Do you have a good friend you could confide in? If not, contact woman's aid for support.

irishgirl19

Wow OP I feel for you putting up with this for 14 years. That controlling behavior is not normal. Please contact womens aid. Abuse is not always physical

marlie2005

Hi OP,

My story falls the exact same as yours, albeit the affair was 5 years ago. I gave him my trust and love again plus marriage and another child. I honestly taught I was doing the best for myself and my family. However, as of today we have been sleeping in separate rooms for 9 months and today he has told me he has secured himself a place to move out too..
I know my reply is of no assistance to you but just to let you know that others are going through the same. At the moment I feel I have let my children down as, as a couple we seriously just plodded along together..

faceman

OP I'd strongly recommend you seek a professional counsellor for just yourself given what you are going through.

Best of luck. I hope everything works out.

Lavinia

I sincerely wish you to get out of there as soon as possible, please. The sooner the better. Be sure you will manage so much better on your own than liek this, when such a huge part of your energy is killed by the wrongdoing of that terrible person, and by you feeling broken and helpless and hurt and angry and what not.
Please get your courage and wisdom and do the step towards freeing and empowering yourself. That person will not change, do not fool yourself, so bottom-line, you do not even have any real choice left.

Emme

www.womensaid.ie