Life/ill parent advice

Sallytheweb

I have so much in my life that I am uncertain about that I don't know where to start. I moved abroad a couple of years ago with my partner to his home country and one of the conditions was that I would get home to see my father every 2 months minimum. Due to financial and other stress, studies, etc. this has not happened and months are going past before I can visit. My father has deteriorated so much now that I think he would be happier in a hospice than the nursing home he is in now. He requires 24/7 care and so he needs to be in either a care home facility or a hospice and I just worry so much that he would be happier in a hospice than in the home where they leave him in a chair most of the day. To be honest, it is ripping me apart that I am not there to help him as my siblings just blindly trust the nursing home and it would take me to get this transition done.

My partner in life has been difficult in many ways. He has been going through a lot of personal issues and overall I feel out of patience with him. I do love him but I can't keep giving esp when he is just not helping me see my father more. He never volunteers to help me get the money together for it. I recently got a new job and had to leave a month early due to being shouted at by a really unhappy manager and I just couldn't take it.
I am still studying to make my career change but I chose a difficult field and have a few more months of study to do before I can apply for professional job in this area. In the meantime my partner is still unemployed after 6 months, talks about looking for work, dreams a lot, but isnt actioning on it. He snaps at me regularly, accusing me of shouting if I disagree with him, tells me that everyone is looking at me, etc. and then is apologetic later.
I am just fed up of trying so hard and having so little to show for it. Deep down I want to return home for 6 months to take care of my father, but this would represent a huge upheaval and I doubt I would have the support of my partner.
I realise this might be hard to advise on but I don't feel at all clear-headed on any of this at the moment and would appreciate your advice.

athtrasna

Is moving home an option? You don't sound happy where you are. You would have more input, and more time, with your dad if you were home.

Sallytheweb

athtrasna wrote: »

Is moving home an option? You don't sound happy where you are. You would have more input, and more time, with your dad if you were home.

It would be difficult as hell to go back there for 6 months but I could do it. I have my last pay coming in soon that I could use to get started. I highly doubt my partner would help me, he will say I am giving all of these amazing opportunities away, etc. but I dont see how I can live with myself if I cant be there for my father in what will be my last chance to help him.
My partner just has so many problems, so many moodswings, and puts me down so often with jokes at my expense, that I dont want to give my time to him and not my father. I already lost so much time with my dad over the past two years.
To be honest I think I will have to just do this, put my life on hold for another year, and make sure my dad gets the best end of life care possible. But my partner will make this hell for me, I just know it.

Ursus Horribilis

To me this is a no-brainer on two fronts.

First of all, your dad is deteriorating and maybe his days are numbered. How would you feel if you got a call in the middle of the night to say he had died but you'd not been to visit? Now is the time to do whatever you can both for you and for him. Do not leave yourself with regrets over what you could have done.

Secondly, are you sure that this partner of yours is the right person for you? I'm not seeing many good signs of this. He's not supporting you financially or emotionally. I'm also detecting some warning signs that this might be the beginnings of an emotionally abusive relationship. A loving partner wouldn't say those awful things to you. It says an awful lot about him and about your relationship that coming home for 6 months would not be supported by him.

Apart from the blows to your ego about coming home permanently, what else is keeping you where you are? You don't sound happy where you are and this partner of yours is far from the supportive person he should be.

Something tells me that if you stay, your relationship isn't going to get any better and you will come to resent him because you never visited your father.

GritBiscuit

Hey Sallytheweb,

It's a tough choice so maybe instead of seeing which is best, look at things slightly differently. Which might you regret most? Staying put, living with the status quo and not seeing your dad or having much of an input into his care or making the move?

While I appreciate you must love your partner to have made such sacrifices in the first place, I think you also need to have a look at what you want in a partner and what your partner is actually offering. Missing out on the final years of a parent's life for the sake of placating an aggressive, unsupportive partner doesn't seem like something you will thank yourself for in years to come.

All the very best

Ursus Horribilis

From Women's Aid's website. Not all of these will apply to your partner or to your relationship but I feel you should read this and be aware of the warning signs.

• You are afraid of your partner.
• You are constantly 'walking on eggshells' because of his mood swings.
• You spend your time working out what kind of mood he is in and the focus is always on his needs.
• He loses his temper easily and over minor things.
• He has hit you or almost hit you and/or your children.
• Your partner has been abusive in a previous relationship.
• He criticises your family and friends and/or makes it difficult for you to see them or talk to them on your own.
• He calls you names and threatens you and/or your children.
• He is jealous and accuses you of flirting and having affairs.
• He regularly criticises or undermines you in front of other people - including about the way you look, dress, and/or your abilities as a mother.
• Your needs are not considered important or are ignored, and he makes the decisions in the relationship.
• You find it hard to get time on your own. When you do spend time away from him, he demands to know where you were and who you were with.
• He controls your access to basic essentials such as the car, the family finances, food, the telephone and internet.
• He has forced you to do something that you really did not want to do.
• He has forced you to have sex with him or with other people. He has made you participate in sexual activities that you were uncomfortable with.
• He has threatened to have you deported because of your immigration status.
• He tries to control aspects of your life such as whether you work, and where; who you see and when; what you can spend; what you can wear; what you watch or listen to on the radio or television.
• He demands to know the passwords to you email account and social networking pages.
• He has threatened to kill you, or to kill himself, if you leave him.

cactusgal

Hi OP,

I can sympathize. I have a very ill parent and I also live abroad.

Absolutely go home to your dad. Life is precious but short. Use the time your dad has left to be with him. In the grand scheme of things, this is what matters most.

Your partner sounds like a d%ckhead, sorry. He's lazy and negative, a terrible combination. I don't know your dad, but I'd imagine he'd want better for his daughter.

If you can go home for 6 months, difficult as it may seem, you should absolutely do it. I think you will regret it if you don't.

Take care, OP xx

bobdcow

Sally - What cactusgal said is perfect advice - go home to your dad, if he hasn't long left you will regret it in the future.

best of luck

looksee

OP you have commented on some of the negative aspects of your partner. Can you make a list of the positives - the reasons why you went with him and wish to remain with him, and compare the two, see which is the most convincing?

Even apart from your situation with your father, there does not seem to be much going for your relationship with your partner, and a loving person would be happy for you to go to your father. If your partner is not working then you are supporting both of you, I wonder is that the reason he would not be happy for you to leave? If there are so many wonderful opportunities, why has he not availed of any of them?

Big Bag of Chips

It's 6 months out of your entire life. Your partner should be supporting you, and if he is unemployed and not necessarily looking for work with any great enthusiasm what's to stop him coming back with you?

You've said he'll make it difficult for you? At a difficult time in your life, you need someone who will be there beside you. Even if not physically there, you should know you have their support. What you don't need is someone who is going to make a difficult time even more difficult.

Think about it.

Sallytheweb

Thanks everyone. I spoke with him this afternoon after I posted, as this is a decision I need to make immediately and he said he will support me. He has said he will come with me and help me research the possibility of moving dad to a hospice and that he will support me in taking all the time that I need to spend in Ireland with dad. I am so very grateful for your advice - I also told him if he werent to support me that would mean a break up, but he agreed to support me before I even added that into the conversation. I just had to let him know this is serious.

He has been having family troubles and has always worked in the past but he has also promised to find work asap and be in Ireland himself as much as he can around that, freeing me to be there with dad as much as I need to.
Again, thanks to everyone for the astute advice and cautions, this is definitely a decision I need to make and I can pick my life back up here again in peace with myself.

pc7

Agree with others, go home, comfort your dad. He is your family and hopefully was a good dad. He needs you, from reading your post about your partner I think you need your dad too. A bit of time away will give you some breathing and head space. Xx

pc7

Sorry our posts crossed

Ursus Horribilis

I'm glad that you've sorted it and that you can come home. Having said that, please don't sweep your partner's issues under the carpet. You did start this thread thinking he'd make your life hell if you came back and listed other problems which possibly could ring alarm bells. Keep an eye on things and don't let him wear you down. I wish you all the best with your father's care and with your future.

ManOfMystery

Sallytheweb wrote: »

Thanks everyone. I spoke with him this afternoon after I posted, as this is a decision I need to make immediately and he said he will support me. He has said he will come with me and help me research the possibility of moving dad to a hospice and that he will support me in taking all the time that I need to spend in Ireland with dad. I am so very grateful for your advice - I also told him if he werent to support me that would mean a break up, but he agreed to support me before I even added that into the conversation. I just had to let him know this is serious.

He has been having family troubles and has always worked in the past but he has also promised to find work asap and be in Ireland himself as much as he can around that, freeing me to be there with dad as much as I need to.
Again, thanks to everyone for the astute advice and cautions, this is definitely a decision I need to make and I can pick my life back up here again in peace with myself.

Glad to hear your partner appears to have seen the light somewhat, and I hope this gives you the freedom you need to spend some time with your Dad. Just remember though - actions speak louder than words, he can promise the world but it means nothing if he doesn't follow through - so be sure to keep an eye on him and pull him up on it if he appears to be forgetting what he promised to do.

Sallytheweb

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

From Women's Aid's website. Not all of these will apply to your partner or to your relationship but I feel you should read this and be aware of the warning signs.

• You are afraid of your partner.
• You are constantly 'walking on eggshells' because of his mood swings.
• You spend your time working out what kind of mood he is in and the focus is always on his needs.
• He loses his temper easily and over minor things.
• He has hit you or almost hit you and/or your children.
• Your partner has been abusive in a previous relationship.
• He criticises your family and friends and/or makes it difficult for you to see them or talk to them on your own.
• He calls you names and threatens you and/or your children.
• He is jealous and accuses you of flirting and having affairs.
• He regularly criticises or undermines you in front of other people - including about the way you look, dress, and/or your abilities as a mother.
• Your needs are not considered important or are ignored, and he makes the decisions in the relationship.
• You find it hard to get time on your own. When you do spend time away from him, he demands to know where you were and who you were with.
• He controls your access to basic essentials such as the car, the family finances, food, the telephone and internet.
• He has forced you to do something that you really did not want to do.
• He has forced you to have sex with him or with other people. He has made you participate in sexual activities that you were uncomfortable with.
• He has threatened to have you deported because of your immigration status.
• He tries to control aspects of your life such as whether you work, and where; who you see and when; what you can spend; what you can wear; what you watch or listen to on the radio or television.
• He demands to know the passwords to you email account and social networking pages.
• He has threatened to kill you, or to kill himself, if you leave him.

Out of the first 10 or so of those nearly all of them are the case. I am not afraid of him as I stand up to him whenever he has been out of order but I agree that I can't let him or anyone wear me down, which he does, if I am honest, and nothing I say gets through to him fully.
I am slowly coming to terms with the fact this is not a good relationship for me and that nothing I can do can change it and I accept I need to get out of it. I just have the financials to sort out now and in a few weeks I have to figure a sound way out.
Of course his good points are why I stayed this long with him but it's not enough and I would rather be alone. Esp when I can instead focus on my dad.

Coffeeandtea

I'm really glad your going to spend these last months with your Dad. You can definitely pick up again in 6 months here or abroad....it's a very explainable gap on your cv so I don't think you have anything at all to lose. Maybe while your hear you get a few hours volunteering in new career area or doing an evening course....or even just try out a hobby you never had time for before....

I just wanted to add I think you are very brave for realising it's not working with your partner and making steps to move on.

I wish you well and sorry that your father is unwell.