FeelingSorryForMyself

joebloggsh

So , I currently just turned 23 in August , have been with my gf since I was 18 , we had been going out for over four and a half years , Jan 2012 till Aug 2016. So basically I have grown from an immature teenager to an immature adult with X.

I would like to think that in this relationship I was never insecure and pretty cool with things. In the last year so we will say from September 2015 X moved out of home while in her final year of her degree. Rented a house while juggling work and college. X had asked me previously to this stage would I like to maybe move in somewhere with her but I thought that I was too young to get into such a commitment and that I don't earn much( low paying job). Anyway since Sep 2015 X had been getting friendly with this guy (A). Fair enough I don't mind X being friends with A. They work together , go to the same college, actually rent houses for college 15 mins apart.

I probably should of read the signs, X "I presume" was longing for attention (not sexually) that I had not been giving her. I would call to the house after work and lazy around fall asleep! What a fun bf to have.

I had gone off sex, well maybe I think both of us had if I'm being honest , not that I don't find X attractive I just don't know what happened there. We would maybe have sex once every 2 months if we were lucky.

Now whilst I never went to "college" as the dream job I wanted my life doesn't require me to go to college I did a 2 year Plc course and ended up working in that area once I hit 20, as I said it's a low paying job €10/hr with zero chance of it ever going up, that's the wage you'll have for the rest of your life if you stay in this job. Anyway to my next point , I have this job , but throughout my relationship I've been gambling, I would say I've had a problem gambling. Once I get paid I'd take out what was needed for bills ( car insurance , money for the mother etc.. My weekly night out Saturday ! ) and then would gamble the rest of it. So in fact the only person I thought I was harming was myself , o how wrong was I !

So X hates me gambling obviously ( it's one of the worst things in the world that can effect you but no one else will know unless you tell them ). X is very good with money , saves it unless it needs to be spent , treats herself , and will go out occasionally on the weekend but not every weekend like I do.

So also X likes to go on maybe 2 holidays a year , this is what she loves as she doesn't go around wasting money on alcohol or other things that i would on. I would go on 2 but always be cautious about the price of these holidays. X would see no problem in paying for what holiday she wanted where as I would because I had no money to pay for these(all my own fault I know )

Now come June I was away to the euros happy as could be! Could see nothing wrong with our relationship and how it was going. Came back from the euros to X being a bit weird with me , knew something was up and few days later X told me, A the guy she had been friends with for awhile now through work/college had asked her could he have a chat with her , she sort of knew what was up with A before he talked to her. Anyway told her that he had developed feelings for her, X said she was in a relationship with me (which he would of known) but hadn't seen me in any snapchats / Facebook in quite awhile and because the fact that X had been so friendly / flirty with him that he thought we had broken up , wasn't too happy to hear that she was still in a relationship and sort of leading him on. They haven't really spoke since this conversation as he was upset.

Turns out X has developed a liking to A but nothing that she would act on, was still in a relationship with me and loves me. Problem then arose that X wasn't so certain what she wanted then , has been in a relationship with me since 6th year till her final year of college and hasn't ever discovered the world of other peoples so to speak.

Now I have slept with other people before this relationship and know what it is like , to go on nights out and do whatever the hell you want , and I don't begrudge X for not thinking about this eh who wouldn't. So we got to the point where X isn't sure about me and the relationship anymore , X realistically wants to meet up with this guy A to see if she feels anything or else regrets it and wants to stay with me.

So it's just between ourselfs that we are now broken up, was talking to X last week and decided that it'd be best if we did break up and she could find out what she wanted in her life and we can see where we go from there. My problem is I know that I could of been a much better bf , handled my money much better ! I've been working for nearly 3 years and have no savings ... ( what a twat ). I feel like I could of done more to save us we shall say but I believe I'm fighting a losing battle , this A guy is from a extremely wealthy family. X says she wants security in her life moving forward and that she has grown up now and can see if we stay together it will be a struggle to even live a reasonable life, whereas If she chooses A she will never have a worry in the world on the financial side of things. X stills loves me and undoubtedly I think if I had made better choices in life this wouldn't of happened.

I'm at the point now where I look at myself , I've a low paying job unless I land another one out of the blue somehow with good wages ( yeah right ) , I've no savings , and by God I've lost the most important girl in my world , I love her so much, I've had the best 4 and a half years of my life with her, I was so blind I thought I was going to marry X. I've grown up with this girl and don't know what I'll do without her honestly.

Even though I want this relationship to be all good again I just don't see it happening , too many doubts going through my own head now that even if we did get back together what will happen down the line, will she resent me for the rest of her life , or will she ever actually want me again like the honey moon phase ! I'm sitting here thinking to myself why did I have to act how I have the last 4 years. I'm not really looking for advice just needed to write this down as I'm confused!

Big Bag of Chips

It's not really much consolation to you now, OP, but first serious teenage relationships rarely go the distance. But what should come out of them is a better understanding of the type of relationship you'd look for in the future and look back on the mistakes you made in the first relationship and know better than to make them again in subsequent relationships.

Your gf is young. Even if she starts going out with this fella there is no guarantee that they will end up together forever. But she is realising that you are not the type of person she can see a future with. Gambling every spare penny isn't good. You have no security, you have no back up plan (if you have no savings, I'm guessing you lose what you gamble? Or bet your winnings again?) As you get older there will always be unexpected expenses that pop up during the month. So putting aside the exact amount for bills etc will soon start to become problematic for you and you will end up borrowing from different places to come up with the cash for an unexpected car repair, or doctor's bill, or larger than expected phone bill? or anything that might come up. You will start borrowing, and then gamble the bit more to try win it back and break even. But you know that's not going to happen. Right?

Of course you're heartbroken. Breaks up are hard. Really hard. But what you should take from this is that you have become a person you don't particularly like. So take steps to change that. Give up the gambling. Take up something else. Maybe with the money you were gambling you could put it towards doing another course to improve your employment prospects. I know you say you are in your dream job - but there are always layers to jobs. You don't have to stick at exactly the same position for the next 40 years until you retire. Instead of being the employee you could progress to being the employer?

As it is you are realising you don't have much to offer a person. And your life from this point on is just going to continue to be a daily struggle. So decide you've had enough. You can go to a local Gamblers' Anonymous meeting if you think it would be of any benefit to you. I think at this stage you need to let your gf go. The fact that she has brought all this up means she is moving on/has moved on and isn't in the same place as you. According to you, she's right! It wasn't the most satisfying of relationships for either of you. All relationships eventually settle down, and become comfortable, and sex mightn't be as frequent, and nights in asleep on the couch become more frequent!! But it's what you do in between that matters. How you make each other feel. Gambling can be a very lonely, and very selfish past time. You're not thinking further than today, or maybe tomorrow. You're not thinking of down the line, because "it'll be grand".

Sometimes it's not grand.

The fact that you are so young, and can acknowledge the path you are on to yourself is a huge huge step. Most men much older than you don't see a problem until they lose their wives, children, homes in some cases. Take a hold of yourself today. Take out a pen and paper and write down what you'd like to be doing at 33. 10 years time, but still so so young. You have your whole life ahead of you, and plenty of time to get yourself in a better position. You're not happy as you are (even if you are convincing yourself that you are in your "dream job") you'd like more money, you'd like less gambling, you'd like being able to go on a holiday without counting the pennies. You're not looking for anything outlandish! Everything you would like to have is easily obtainable. You just need to decide to go after it.

And who knows? down the line when you get your sht together you might end up back with your gf.. Or she might always be a lovely memory as you settle down with someone equally as nice!

joebloggsh

Thanks for that reply, good to hear the truth and not what I want to hear!

I know that gambling is a serious problem but it's taken until recently for me to see that, have cut out much of it but still days I do go and spend a stupid amount on it.

I didn't mean I'm in my dream job sorry if I didn't make that clear, what I meant is that this dream job is a state job, and while I'm waiting to get in I've being doing this job which I got from the PLC course qualification.

Whilst everything everything else you say is absolutely true down to a tee. I reckon she has moved on in her mind and I must do that now too.

BetsyEllen

OP I absolutely echo what the previous poster has said but I'd like to add in my thoughts on your job.

I'm stumped at what could be described as a 'dream job' but has a wage of just €10 per hour and has 'zero chance of it ever going up, that's the wage you'll have for the rest of your life if you stay in this job'.

I would strongly urge you consider what your life is going to be like earning just €10 an hour for the rest of your working days.
In the next few years when you are looking at buying property, a car, settling into a life with someone and having kids, a wage of €10 per is not going to be of much use to you.

I fully appreciate there may be some 30/40/50 year olds on here who will say 'I earn that and I make it work' etc but to actually settle on earning that figure forever at just 23 is silly.

And obviously, you need to get your gambling problem sorted ASAP but Big Bag of Chips has already given great advice on that area so I won't add any more to that.

joebloggsh

BetsyEllen wrote: »

OP I absolutely echo what the previous poster has said but I'd like to add in my thoughts on your job.

I'm stumped at what could be described as a 'dream job' but has a wage of just €10 per hour and has 'zero chance of it ever going up, that's the wage you'll have for the rest of your life if you stay in this job'.

I would strongly urge you consider what your life is going to be like earning just €10 an hour for the rest of your working days.
In the next few years when you are looking at buying property, a car, settling into a life with someone and having kids, a wage of €10 per is not going to be of much use to you.

I fully appreciate there may be some 30/40/50 year olds on here who will say 'I earn that and I make it work' etc but to actually settle on earning that figure forever at just 23 is silly.

And obviously, you need to get your gambling problem sorted ASAP but Big Bag of Chips has already given great advice on that area so I won't add any more to that.

I mean that the job I'm currently doing is only €10/hr and that I'm doing this whilst I hope to get into my dream job, which would be quite a bit more than €10/hr

BetsyEllen

joebloggsh wrote: »

I mean that the job I'm currently doing is only €10/hr and that I'm doing this whilst I hope to get into my dream job, which would be quite a bit more than €10/hr

Ah OK sorry, it wasn't very clear

Big Bag of Chips

joebloggsh wrote: »

Now whilst I never went to "college" as the dream job I wanted my life doesn't require me to go to college I did a 2 year Plc course and ended up working in that area once I hit 20,

So, after school you decided not to go to college and wait for your dream job to come up. That was 5 years ago. When are you hoping this dream job will come up, and how are you sure you'll get in?

Have you a plan b?

Nothing is guaranteed, and even though college mightn't be needed for your job, your application will be beside those you did go to college and who might seem like better candidates for the job. I'm not saying that will be the case, but depending on something that hasn't happened for 5 years seems silly.

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise, for now. The more money you'd earn the more you'd gamble so maybe you need to concentrate on sorting that side of things out before you get this job.

I hope you can turn yourself around. You're so young, with so much potential. Don't waste it.

njs030

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So, after school you decided not to go to college and wait for your dream job to come up. That was 5 years ago. When are you hoping this dream job will come up, and how are you sure you'll get in?

Have you a plan b?

Nothing is guaranteed, and even though college mightn't be needed for your job, your application will be beside those you did go to college and who might seem like better candidates for the job. I'm not saying that will be the case, but depending on something that hasn't happened for 5 years seems silly.

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise, for now. The more money you'd earn the more you'd gamble so maybe you need to concentrate on sorting that side of things out before you get this job.

I hope you can turn yourself around. You're so young, with so much potential. Don't waste it.

He said his dream job is public services, gardai or fire brigade by the sounds of it (isn't the army 23 or 25? I guess the navy is the same so you're very close to the age limit)

You don't need a degree for those jobs op but people with life experience are looked on much more favourably.

joebloggsh

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So, after school you decided not to go to college and wait for your dream job to come up. That was 5 years ago. When are you hoping this dream job will come up, and how are you sure you'll get in?

Have you a plan b?

Nothing is guaranteed, and even though college mightn't be needed for your job, your application will be beside those you did go to college and who might seem like better candidates for the job. I'm not saying that will be the case, but depending on something that hasn't happened for 5 years seems silly.

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise, for now. The more money you'd earn the more you'd gamble so maybe you need to concentrate on sorting that side of things out before you get this job.

I hope you can turn yourself around. You're so young, with so much potential. Don't waste it.

Well it's the guards, I'm confident I will get in eventually even though I failed the last aptitude test only by one of the four elements though! so will leave me in good stead for the next recruitment i hope! and honestly I don't have a plan B thanks mate

BetsyEllen

joebloggsh wrote: »

Well it's the guards, I'm confident I will get in eventually even though I failed the last aptitude test only by one of the four elements though! so will leave me in good stead for the next recruitment i hope! and honestly I don't have a plan B thanks mate

That's good, I hope you do get in.
Work on your gambling in the meantime though!
But you know you need to do that anyway so you don't need a lecture.

OP you come across as a really nice and likeable person. So many threads on here about breakups with the poster just wallowing in self pity (me included in the past haha) but you seem to recognise exactly where you went wrong and want to improve yourself.

I really do wish you luck and I'm very sorry for your heartbreak - until recently I never truly appreciated how awful a breakup with someone you love is and I can honestly say it's the worst thing to go through, worse than anything I've experienced in my life.

But you will slowly start to feel better, I promise.
Especially with so much ahead of you. Things can only get better so keep that in mind and keep your chin up

Big Bag of Chips

I know somebody who got in to the guards on their 3rd attempt so obviously you shouldn't be disheartened. But you still should maximise your chances. You probably are anyway, but talk to guards you might know. Get as much information as you can. If you fall at a hurdle as for advice on how to improve for next time. And don't be too confident of many multiples of €10 an hour as a salary. New recruits seem to be expected to survive on very little!

Best of luck anyway. Your awareness of your problems is a positive thing. Now you just need to go about addressing them.

Conor Bourke

If you're hoping to become a Garda it is worth bearing in mind that you could lose your job if you were to become bankrupt so it is in your best interests to make sure you are keeping your personal finances in control

http://m.rte.ie/news/2013/0429/387093-gardai/

Potatoeman

Why would you hide the breakup and get back together if it doesn't work out with the other guy?

joebloggsh

Thanks gang I'm not really sure what to say to anyone because i just wanted to write all this down.

Potatoeman wrote: »

Why would you hide the breakup and get back together if it doesn't work out with the other guy?

eh because she doesn't know what she wants, me, him, or maybe no one at all, I'd rather not go telling family and stuff till it's 100% over, less drama for everyone.

tara73

I think the gambling stuff is your biggest problem here or at least will become your biggest problem.
But you are a very reflected person, you can see all your flaws, that's worth so much regarding working on them and in the end getting rid of them.
But it can be very hard to do that on your own, especially with the gambling.

I recommend you get in touch with the respective support group, I'm sure they are listed in one the stickies here at the beginning of the threads. The sooner you solve your gambling issue, the better it is, otherwise you'll only get sucked in deeper and deeper I think and the problems get bigger and bigger.

all the best.

Ursus Horribilis

A question that came to my mind when I read this was what do the pair of you have in common these days? It looks like you're both moving at different speeds in your lives. She went to college and is presumably moving forward with her career. You're treading water in a lesser paid job, hoping that you'll get into the guards. She felt it was time for you to move in together and take the next step in the relationship. You didn't. She's good with money and saves it. You're gambling and blowing it on alcohol and other issues. Need I go on? It looks like the pair of you are like chalk and cheese now. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't.

And what about your sex life? Once every two months??? After 4 and a half years most people aren't exactly swinging from the chandeliers any more but that's barely a sex life. It makes me wonder did both of you (unwittingly?) start seeing each other as close friends rather than boyfriend/girlfriend?

Money is one of the biggest causes of relationships break ups. In its own way it seems to have been a factor here. I think you're learning a hard lesson here about finances. You've been given really good advice here regarding the gambling and where to go for help. I hope you get that under control and that you can get better with your money. If you do get into the guards and the pay scales remain as they are, you're going to have to learn how to be careful with your wages....

If this relationship has ended for good, I believe you've learned some valuable lessons from what happened. Like some of the others, I'm well impressed with your attitude. I think no matter what happens next, you're going to be alright.

joebloggsh

Well I'm sure this will be my last reply to this thread,

Just want to say thanks for the replies, it gave me a lot to think about.

Sucks losing a bestfriend/GF in the one go, but I know what I've to improve on in my life.

Thanks you