Crippling sexual anxiety!

LegacyUser

Hi personal issues,
My situation is that I'm currently in my early thirties and I have been dating a great girl for the past month or so. We attempted to have sex last week and I failed miserably after we started getting hot and heavy. I had no issue getting and maintaining an erection through the foreplay and while pleasuring her and she told me that she was very turned on. However, we attempted full penetration twice and I became limp both times, the first time when putting on the condom and the second when attempting entering her. I think my major problem is psychological - this has happened to me during a previous sexual encounter and I have been avoiding relationships partly for this reason until I met this girl. I have no problems at all 'on my own' ;-), and I think I have quite a healthy sexual appetite. But I feel a horrible anxiety and fear of not performing when sleeping with women which causes me to lose my erection. I'm quite a nervous person by nature which probably doesn't help.

Anyhow, my new girlfriend was very understanding and made it clear that she wants to have another go soon. I want to perform for her but I know I will probably fail again and I am panicked about the situation. This is not a healthy position to be in and I am looking for any insight into my options here. Has anyone else experienced a similar issue and insight into what I can do to mitigate the situation? Is my best option to visit the GP? I've read about stuff like hypnotherapy but I'm dubious as to it's utility.

Thanks

Esel

Try not to think of it as a performance. That should help a lot.

HalloweenJack

How often do you masturbate? It could be if you masturbate less or not at all in the days before you know it's going to happen, the built-up urges will overcome your nerves, though I don't know if medically that's true, it's just a hunch I have.

Also, try and depressurise the whole situation. If you say "we're going to meet on Saturday to have sex", it's going to put more pressure on you. Agree to meet up and spend time together in an intimate setting but don't say that it's specifically to have sex, just a more "we'll see what happens" approach.

Another suggestion would be make sure you are taking care of her in other ways until you can get past this. It's a positive sign that she's understanding and wants to try again so don't worry too much about it. It's obvious she isn't judging you solely on your sexual performance.

That said, I'd say best bet is talk to your GP.

ongarboy

Hey OP, I think you've created a vicious circle for yourself because the more you think about failing to deliver, the more anxious you get which in turn is self fulfilling and causes you to fail. I agree with the others when they say you should think of it as less an act or performance and something incidental and spontaneous that you both want to do because you have such a bloody urge to do it!!

You're description makes it sound like a speech you have to present in front of a crowd and are dreading it. Saying you're fine on your own is like saying you're fine talking to an empty room. The difference is that it should not be like a speech or a phobia you need to overcome. It should be a fun thing that you can't wait to do with this girl, assuming you fancy her. I think what the above poster says about abstaining from masturbation for a while is worth doing also. No matter how strong the urge, refrain from it so that on the day of your next date, you are so horny, all you can think about is her, and getting down and doing it with her. Hopefully the genuine bodily urge will then beat any anxiety for you. And once you've set that precedent, it should become easier each time.

bilbot79

You need to relax.

Relaxing is hard when you don't know how. But it's not impossible.

Change the goalposts you hear. Your new goal is not to perform, it is to relax.

You think about the time you didn't perform....Don't think about that time, think about the closeness. Concentrate on the physical feelings. Be a little selfish and prioritise your own needs above hers, just till you get your confidence. Get in the zone and think of a completely different person or fantasy if needs be. Relax, embrace arrogance and indulge in the manliness you've never allowed yourself too.

Esel

bilbot79 wrote: »

You need to relax.

Relaxing is hard when you don't know how. But it's not impossible.

Change the goalposts you hear. Your new goal is not to perform, it is to relax.

You think about the time you didn't perform....Don't think about that time, think about the closeness. Concentrate on the physical feelings. Be a little selfish and prioritise your own needs above hers, just till you get your confidence. Get in the zone and think of a completely different person or fantasy if needs be. Relax, embrace arrogance and indulge in the manliness you've never allowed yourself too.

This might work. For someone, somewhere, sometime...