Gaslighted?

LegacyUser

A couple of months ago I got into an argument with a friend. It was initially just an issue I would have liked to have resolved and I was very calm and open to discussion. I admitted my own part in it and thought he would too. But as the argument played out I found myself in complete shock at what he was saying, it was as if he had flipped the reality of the situation entirely (to suit himself). By doing that, he came out of it as "the good guy", and I looked deluded.

I do understand that there's two sides to every story and I really did try to see it from his perspective but it honestly did not ring true. I tried to reason with him but I felt that in doing that I looked even more deluded. The more I engaged with him, the more he manipulated the situation in his favour, so I ceased contact and let him off. I haven't talked to him since and he hasn't come near me.

The thing is I know deep down that I'm not in the wrong, I know I would be quite willing to accept fault if I was. But because of this fallout, I have begun to doubt myself. It's like my own reality has shifted. He was so sure of himself that he almost convinced me and now has me questioning a lot of what happened, not even just our argument and the events that led up to it. Really the only thing that is keeping me sane is that I have physical proof of what he did (actually, several incidences of proof) and another person to back me up. But I can't seem to stop replaying the argument over and over again in my head and trying to understand why he did what he did? I suppose what I'm asking is, if there's any posters who were treated like this (gaslighted I guess), how did they get over it? I really am struggling to understand what the hell happened, as this guy was a good friend previous to this and I never looked on him to be a liar.

The Raptor

Gaslighting is a thing narcissists do. They are never in the wrong. They twist stories to suit themselves.

There's only one thing for people like that. Cut them out. They aren't worth it especially since you were able to prove them wrong.

Detached Retina

I've had years of this gaslighting. Sometimes I still doubt myself, as even when talking now with them they completely deny saying things and put an entirely different swing on it. Make you think others are colluding, blacken you or try to convince you that people who are on your side have an agenda against them. Very convincing. The advice I had received was to not buy into it, refuse to engage (can be difficult when you're tied into them, and also because they rile you up into trying to defend yourself). Main thing I would say is, don't doubt yourself. That way they win.

Calypso Realm

Agree with all the advice so far. Don't doubt yourself, at any point at all! Gaslighters use this 'psychological' tactic to avoid/transfer blame etc

I worked with a 'manager' once who operated in this fashion. If she forgot to pass on information/relay important details to us in the department and was pulled up for this by management and us, she had the brazen nerve to say she was in the right and that it was simply a case of us not remembering the information in question! At first with isolated incidents, we had started to doubt ourselves but in the end nobody bought into it!

LegacyUser

Detached Retina wrote: »

They completely deny saying things and put an entirely different swing on it.

^This is exactly what he did. I'm stumped by his behaviour tbh. I know the term narcissist is bandied about quite a bit when gaslighting comes up but I would have always considered this guy to be a well reasoned, logical, intelligent and approachable person. Even in each of his friend groups he would be the go to guy, the voice of reason as such. It's so out of character, it's baffling. Between his conviction in his side of the story and his character up to this point, it really is difficult not to doubt/ question my own side of the story. As I said in my OP, if I didn't have proof backing me up I think I would have believed him myself. I have most definitely cut contact with him, but I know he will probably convince mutual acquaintances that I am in the wrong/ that I'm deluded/ that he is the victim which is annoying more than anything.

buzybeee

I am a quiet individual and work colleagues and 'friends' would make jokes at my expense. When I would try to tell them it is not acceptable, they would say that I can't take a joke, am too sensitive etc. On the few occasions I insulted them back in a jokey way, they would get all offended and would tell everyone what I said. They would make it sound like I just came up to them and insulted them.

Your friend probably felt threatened and tried to make you look bad, so he would look good. Maybe if you have mutual friends who are 'sound" it may be no harm to mentiom what happened.

These people twist everything you say, to make it look like you are insulting them or to make it look like you are incompetent.

Dh does this sometimes, would forget to tell me something esp to do with our kids and would then tell me that i forgot it. When this is done, i would go out of my way to tell minder, school etc that he never told me.

If i say something in innocence eg X person looks well, DH will ask if Im trying to say that he looks bad. Have had the same with work colleagues. I have started do the same back to him and the offending work colleagues. When they tell me I am too sensitive, I say it is a joke, can they not take a joke.

If you can't cut people out, then giving them back the same treatment tends to make them think twice about gaslighting you. Acting really confident around them helps. As does not being afraid to take issues further at work.

Minder used to say my child was bold at school. Another mindee exaggerating. Whem I told minder I am speaking to the teacher all complaints stopped. In fact i did speak to the teacher and told exactly what was being said, who the tell tale mindee was.

Don't spare these people trying to make you doubt yourself. They wouldnt think twice about creating trouble for you, even though you have not done anything to them.

In fact if you do nothing at such treatment, these people will disrespect you and try to make it seem like you are incompetent, a bit of a joke. Other people will see this and follow suit. It has happened to me when younger and it is easier in the long run to stand up for yourself initially

Snookercues

Completely agree with all the other posters - gas-lighting can drive you INSANE if you try to rationalise his/her behaviour! My mother is a narcissist, and I have had this treatment from as far back as I can remember, and to a child, I thought I was going scatty! Further made worse by a facilitating father!

Best thing is to cut that person out of your life - otherwise it will sap your time and energy!