Online affair back in touch

LegacyUser

I'm married with children and have been with my husband for nearly 18 years.

Four years ago I started chatting online to an English man who lives in France and we developed an intense online relationship for about 8 months. I then ended it. I was in a very low point of my life - was lonely, self esteem was low, husband working nights, I drank too much...not excuses just painting a picture. (I started going to chat rooms out of curiosity one night...)

I went to counselling after I ended it as I needed to get it off my chest and try and understand why I would do something like this. The guilt I felt was enormous. I decided not to tell my husband.

Since this, we have been generally happy. We have had a rocky couple of years but we are back on track and things are good.

However, last week, this guy contacted me through Facebook. We are not friends and I thought I had actually blocked him but it came through in my messenger. I deleted it immediately, didn't even read it. A day later a message came from his sons account saying 'hi, remember me?? miss you..'. I deleted this as well and have since deleted my Facebook account also.

I feel so sick. I dont know what to do. Is he just chancing his arm and once he sees I'm offline move along? Or will he not leave me alone? My mind is racing with all the different scenarios.

I was so close to telling my husband last night everything but I didnt.

Should I tell my husband or should I just hope this guy disappears. I know you all will judge me, think I'm this or that but believe me when I say I know what I did and I know what I am for doing it...I made a huge mistake and I am very sorry for it.

Thanks for reading.

Piggystardust

doItellmyhusband wrote: »

I'm married with children and have been with my husband for nearly 18 years.

Four years ago I started chatting online to an English man who lives in France and we developed an intense online relationship for about 8 months. I then ended it. I was in a very low point of my life - was lonely, self esteem was low, husband working nights, I drank too much...not excuses just painting a picture. (I started going to chat rooms out of curiosity one night...)

I went to counselling after I ended it as I needed to get it off my chest and try and understand why I would do something like this. The guilt I felt was enormous. I decided not to tell my husband.

Since this, we have been generally happy. We have had a rocky couple of years but we are back on track and things are good.

However, last week, this guy contacted me through Facebook. We are not friends and I thought I had actually blocked him but it came through in my messenger. I deleted it immediately, didn't even read it. A day later a message came from his sons account saying 'hi, remember me?? miss you..'. I deleted this as well and have since deleted my Facebook account also.

I feel so sick. I dont know what to do. Is he just chancing his arm and once he sees I'm offline move along? Or will he not leave me alone? My mind is racing with all the different scenarios.

I was so close to telling my husband last night everything but I didnt.

Should I tell my husband or should I just hope this guy disappears. I know you all will judge me, think I'm this or that but believe me when I say I know what I did and I know what I am for doing it...I made a huge mistake and I am very sorry for it.

Thanks for reading.

For clarification, can I ask what actually happened with this man? Did you ever meet up or was it just exchanging pictures etc

Either way it's not ideal but if you never physically met up, it's not so bad. I'd view that more as fantasy personally. I think he'll definitely leave you alone now and was just bored and chancing his arm.

Whether to tell your husband or not depends on what happened with the guy in my opinion. Id probably leave it. If you were gonna tell him at all it should've been at the time.

Dont be too hard on yourself Op. People make mistakes. Learning from them is what counts.

LegacyUser

Hi piggy...we used to skype a bit but never actually spoke. We just sent messages to each other...I know this sounds mad but I think if I spoke to him it would make him too real so yes, there was real fantasy element to it.

We did a bit of sexting, I'm not gonna lie...this was done through messages on skype.

God I thought I had moved on from this but its bringing back all the guilt.

Ms Doubtfire1

Put it behind you. Do not tell your husband. You haven't really done anything wrong, it was a virtual affair that brought some excitement in your life when you felt lonely. You didn't leave your husband, you didn't have an affair in the common sense of the word. Maybe even this 'affair' helped you get through the rough patches in your marriage. There is no need to feel guilty imho.

twill

I think all things considered, you should tell him if you feel it would help you both to give an idea of how you are feeling now. While rehashing the past may not be necessary, it can't hurt to oil the channels of communication in your marriage, especially as this was presumably at fault in the first place.

cbyrd

What do you think telling your husband will achieve? Yes, you'll feel a weight lifted, but, afterwards? You will destroy any trust he has in you. How? You had built up an emotional connection with another man. Whatever way you look at it, it's a huge breach of trust.

I've been on the receiving end of this and believe me, if my ex had just had a quick ride and been done with it, it would have been far easier to cope with than the phoning, texting and skyping that went on. The excuses that he needs someone to talk to , the withdrawal and eventual turning the blame to me for marital problems that weren't there before his 'friendship'. (first of 3)

What would you say to your husband? 'remember that really bad bit a few years ago? Well I made myself feel better by having an emotional affair...' put the boot on the other foot for a minute and hear your husband say these words to you.. now how do you feel?
Tbh it's your guilt to carry. Not your husband's. By clearing your conscience you are filling his head with doubts about you.
If this guy is truely not a part of your life anymore then it shouldn't be a problem to shut him down

You say the last few years have been good, are you willing to give that up? Do you think your husband will understand and say it's water under the bridge..?
You have nothing to gain and every thing to lose by admitting to an emotional and explicit affair. If it was innocent, you wouldn't feel so much guilt.
Sorry , but I think it would be incredibly selfish to say anything at this point. Unless you think it would happen again?

twill

Just realised I read the OP wrong and thought she had already told her husband, the dilemma being whether to tell about the latest development. That changes things somewhat.

I agree with the others, I think; focus on having good marriage from now on and rectifying the damage that was previously done. Maybe you could book a few sessions with a counsellor, unburden yourself there and see how you feel then.

Piggystardust

To quote a poster above who is spot on... this is your guilt to bear. Harsh but undeniably true. That said, you're hardly the queen of the harpies darling and I don't think you've actually done anything too wrong. It was a distraction, an exciting exit from reality, a fantasy you didn't act upon.

People fantasize constantly. I often fantasize about killing the person at the ATM in front of me who's taking too long or about leaping over the bar and kissing the cute bartender. Do I do these things in reality? No.

Essentially, you flirted with someone. Big deal. Who cares. The fact you feel so guilty shows what a sweetheart you are. Say nothing and work on your marraige if thats what you want. Stop feeling guilty!

ManOfMystery

Look, every marriage has blips and periods where things aren't good. Some people respond to these by burying their head in the sands, others have affairs, others go on benders, sometimes there's long lasting damage done and sometimes there isn't. There's no rule book here.

During a bad time, you reacted by having an emotional affair with another man. Although some people think that's worse than a real affair, others - myself included - don't. My view is that all affairs start off emotionally to begin with - developing from friendships or flirting or whatever - then progress to a physical side. You didn't take it that far. I'm not trying to diminish that what you did was wrong, but others have done far worse and recovered from it.

Your marriage has improved, you obviously feel guilt and remorse and realise it was a mistake, and I just don't see what anyone can gain from this being out in the open. Put it behind you as a mistake and forget about it. Cut all forms of contact that this guy could potentially use to reach you and focus on your marriage and your future with your husband.

Sea08

Not sure I can agree with a lot of the self serving advice so far, the "this is your guilt to bear" advice feels like it's solely an excuse for your behaviour and seems like a cop out so you don't face the consequences for your actions. Would you be happy for your husband to engage in this behaviour just as long as he didn't tell you?

doItellmyhusband wrote: »

Four years ago I started chatting online to an English man who lives in France and we developed an intense online relationship for about 8 months. I then ended it.

I went to counselling after I ended it as I needed to get it off my chest and try and understand why I would do something like this. The guilt I felt was enormous. I decided not to tell my husband.

Glad to see you took the unselfish choice after all that therapy and hid your affair /sarcasm

There is only two choices from here, hide it and hope the guy leaves you alone and doesn't try to continue the escalation of contact, which considering he used his sons Facebook to try and contact you is a bit of a risk.

Or tell your husband and take the consequences that come with not only the affair but the years of hiding it.

Neither is a good choice but if the guy doesn't go away and gets to your husband first then this will be much much worse.

Sea08

Not sure I can agree with a lot of the self serving advice so far, the "this is your guilt to bear" advice feels like it's solely an excuse for your behaviour and seems like a cop out so you don't face the consequences for your actions. Would you be happy for your husband to engage in this behaviour just as long as he didn't tell you?

doItellmyhusband wrote: »

Four years ago I started chatting online to an English man who lives in France and we developed an intense online relationship for about 8 months. I then ended it.

I went to counselling after I ended it as I needed to get it off my chest and try and understand why I would do something like this. The guilt I felt was enormous. I decided not to tell my husband.

Glad to see you took the unselfish choice after all that therapy and hid your affair /sarcasm

There is only two choices from here, hide it and hope the guy leaves you alone and doesn't try to continue the escalation of contact, which considering he used his sons Facebook to try and contact you is a bit of a risk.

Or tell your husband and take the consequences that come with not only the affair but the years of hiding it.

Neither is a good choice but if the guy doesn't go away and gets to your husband first then this will be much much worse.

twill

Sea08 wrote: »

Not sure I can agree with a lot of the self serving advice so far, the "this is your guilt to bear" advice feels like it's solely an excuse for your behaviour and seems like a cop out so you don't face the consequences for your actions. Would you be happy for your husband to engage in this behaviour just as long as he didn't tell you?



Glad to see you took the unselfish choice after all that therapy and hid your affair /sarcasm

There is only two choices from here, hide it and hope the guy leaves you alone and doesn't try to continue the escalation of contact, which considering he used his sons Facebook to try and contact you is a bit of a risk.

Or tell your husband and take the consequences that come with not only the affair but the years of hiding it.

Neither is a good choice but if the guy doesn't go away and gets to your husband first then this will be much much worse.

Yes, looking it over it does seem as if it's not guilt that is troubling the OP so much as fear of exposure.

OP, I do think it is a pity you went to the trouble of going to counselling and chose not to disclose this to your husband. You didn't really address the issues in your marriage.

I would reiterate that it's something you could address with a counsellor, as either decision will have long-term implications which you need to explore.

Dave147

I don't think you should tell your husband as it won't achieve anything. But I also disagree with people saying you haven't done anything wrong or that it was minor, granted you didn't have a physical relationship with the man but if my OH was involved in an online affair with a man like this I'd be absolutely devastated. You seem to have moved on from it and are genuinely regretful so I would focus on your marriage and try and forget the past.

derek707

I would not tell your husband. You have done nothing wrong. Ye exchanged words. Ye did not sleep together. This will pass. Lose the guilt and concentrate on your family. Protect it.