Friendship.. Is this the end??

Deeburke13

This is the shorter version. Loads of other little stuff.

A happy friendship of 3 of us the past 6 years. We are all wives of husbands friends. Recently one of friends has taken a slight turn on me. I found out she was bitching & slagging me off behind my back (really childish stuff). I said to the other friend that this upset me and its put a strain on our friendship. She said she was going to say it to her as she doesn't agree with it. A few days later I get a text apologising. I accepted and moved on... So I thought...

Now I seem to be left out of meet ups etc and it seems the other friend who is meeting up with us both separately, which to me is creating this gap in our friendship. (It's like she's keepin the 2 of us apart, but making matters worse). We always used to meet the 3 of us. I found out from my husband that the 2 of them went away for a weekend (I never got an invite!). Then they messaged me saying 'your very quite these days' ... 'I haven't heard from you in ages'... But I wouldn't have heard from them either or I messaged them ages ago and never got a reply. It was like they were covering themselves...

I decided to meet up with friend that was bitching and set things right (even though I didn't do anything wrong but I wanted to fix the friendship with the 3 of us as it seemed to have gone off course, and no one likes to be left out). All was grand, we talked and to me everything was sorted.

Now... I'm being left out even more. I never hear from them. They do loads together just the 2 of them. I even bumped into one of their husbands the other day and he was so off with me!! I'm having a real case of 'what the fcuk did I do'..

I don't have the energy to run after them anymore but they seem to be making me look bad like I haven't bothered contacting them!

I'm 35 and feel like I'm back in school, I would easily walk away from them but I live away from home and my lifelong friends and these are the only friends around here!

Dunno what to do next!

Colser

Why didn't you confront her yourself ?Who told you that she was slagging you off?I'd be slightly suspicious of your other friend in all of this ...why is she ignoring you also?

I'd be slow to try and befriend them again as I don't think things would ever be the same..it's a horrible thing to happen OP..any idea at all what could have triggered it?

Mr. Incognito

Sounds like they prefer each others company. Threes a crowd and all that.

Have you any other friends ?

Deeburke13

Colser wrote: »

Why didn't you confront her yourself ?Who told you that she was slagging you off?I'd be slightly suspicious of your other friend in all of this ...why is she ignoring you also?

I'd be slow to try and befriend them again as I don't think things would ever be the same..it's a horrible thing to happen OP..any idea at all what could have triggered it?

My husband heard a few things and when I said it to my other friend she basically told me she was slagging me off.. Ok now when I put this all down in writing it is ridiculous!!

I think what triggered it (again all very childish!) is jealously! The bitchy friend is an extremely jealous person and what basically happened is she was trying to get pregnant with baby number 3 I got pregnant with baby number 1 and how dare I when I know she's trying! (I didn't choose these friends, they are husbands friends wives!)
I went through the majority of my pregnancy and first year of baby's life with no (loyal decent) friends locally! It's been a struggle!

Deeburke13

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Sounds like they prefer each others company. Threes a crowd and all that.

Have you any other friends ?

I've some great friends but not near me.

bee06

Deeburke13 wrote: »

I didn't choose these friends, they are husbands friends wives!

I think this is the key really. Do ye actually have anything in common other than your husbands? It sounds like they are just filling a friendship gap for you rather than you actually liking these women. If that's the case, who needs that kind of drama.

Big Bag of Chips

Yep, it sounds like you are only friends out of convenience. If your husbands weren't friends, would they be the type of people you'd hang around with? I know how difficult it can be to make friends in a new area, but when you have children it becomes easier. Especially when they start school. I moved to an area where I knew nobody for a couple of years. Once my first child started school I built up a small group of good friends.

Being the "wags" obviously isn't enough in common to maintain a lasting friendship. Who knows what's going on with the other friend, but she was put in the middle of you both. Friend 1 bitching to her and then you asking her what's going on. I think it's understandable that she'd be meeting up with you separately. Whatever Friend 1's problem is, it has now damaged the friendship, and no matter how many clear the air chats you have you can't force her to want to be friends with you. So she's backing away from you, but maintaining her friendship with Friend 2. She has no problem with Friend 2... Yet!

Are you pregnant now? Or did you have the baby? You can get out to different groups and try to meet other people. Have a look in the local library for information. Look up meet up.com. Mother and toddler groups are a good place to meet other mothers. We had a group here for a while and it was lovely. I've heard some stories about cliquey, clannish ones! But try anyway, you might get lucky. There's baby swimming classes, baby massage etc etc. I never went to any of those classes, but my friend did and 6 years later still meets up with some of the women she met through the classes.

You can't talk somebody in to being your friend. Next time you get a "haven't heard from you in ages text" just ignore it. It's a token text being sent to make themselves feel like they're making an effort. If they were interested in seeing you you wouldn't get "haven't heard from you in ages" you'd get "fancy meeting up for a cup of tea?"

You are holding on to them because you depend on their friendship. It's a weak position to be in, so put yourself in a stronger position. It will take a bit of effort rather than just falling into a friendship with whoever is convenient, but it will be worth it for yourself.

December2012

It's entirely possible that there is *some* merit in whatever feelings the other lady had.

You seem to be acting very sensitively and may be making something where therewasnt that much to begin with.

Have you suggested meeting up? Not to rehash anything or clear the air but to do something fun? You're jealous over them spending time on their own, which seems a bit much to me

Deeburke13

December2012 wrote: »

It's entirely possible that there is *some* merit in whatever feelings the other lady had.

You seem to be acting very sensitively and may be making something where therewasnt that much to begin with.

Have you suggested meeting up? Not to rehash anything or clear the air but to do something fun? You're jealous over them spending time on their own, which seems a bit much to me

I agree but if she was hurt by something I did she should of said it to me, not go botching behind my back.

I'm not jealous of them spending time together. We've all hung out in 2s before and that's not the problem. The problem is I'm clearly being left out. I would suggest a meet up and told they are busy. That's grand another time. I'd later find out they would meet up on the day I suggested after all!

I feel now (I really don't think I'm being paranoid) that bitchy friend is going to extra effort to leave me out, other friend is stuck in the middle and I'm being painted as the baddie.

I'm frustrated over the whole thing

Deeburke13

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Yep, it sounds like you are only friends out of convenience. If your husbands weren't friends, would they be the type of people you'd hang around with? I know how difficult it can be to make friends in a new area, but when you have children it becomes easier. Especially when they start school. I moved to an area where I knew nobody for a couple of years. Once my first child started school I built up a small group of good friends.

Being the "wags" obviously isn't enough in common to maintain a lasting friendship. Who knows what's going on with the other friend, but she was put in the middle of you both. Friend 1 bitching to her and then you asking her what's going on. I think it's understandable that she'd be meeting up with you separately. Whatever Friend 1's problem is, it has now damaged the friendship, and no matter how many clear the air chats you have you can't force her to want to be friends with you. So she's backing away from you, but maintaining her friendship with Friend 2. She has no problem with Friend 2... Yet!

Are you pregnant now? Or did you have the baby? You can get out to different groups and try to meet other people. Have a look in the local library for information. Look up meet up.com. Mother and toddler groups are a good place to meet other mothers. We had a group here for a while and it was lovely. I've heard some stories about cliquey, clannish ones! But try anyway, you might get lucky. There's baby swimming classes, baby massage etc etc. I never went to any of those classes, but my friend did and 6 years later still meets up with some of the women she met through the classes.

You can't talk somebody in to being your friend. Next time you get a "haven't heard from you in ages text" just ignore it. It's a token text being sent to make themselves feel like they're making an effort. If they were interested in seeing you you wouldn't get "haven't heard from you in ages" you'd get "fancy meeting up for a cup of tea?"

You are holding on to them because you depend on their friendship. It's a weak position to be in, so put yourself in a stronger position. It will take a bit of effort rather than just falling into a friendship with whoever is convenient, but it will be worth it for yourself.

Thanks. Baby is here and we are getting out and about to groups and classes. Which are great and just the boost I need.