How to calm a child down about preschool?

seamus

So daughter is 4 in October, starting preschool next week (I think), just two half days.

We've been lucky up to now; between our own schedules and very hepful/eager grandparents, the child has literally not spent more than 10 minutes of her life without a member of her extended family nearby.

But it's also a bit of a curse we realise. She's done dance classes on Saturday mornings for the last year, but mummy also works in the school. So has been on hand at all times. So interacting in social groups and following a teacher is just fine. The one or two times there was an attempt to leave her on her own, she lost her mind.

Up to now, she's been very excited about going to school, all about being a big girl, doing big girl things. But in the last couple of weeks it's been, "I'm not going to school. I'll go when I'm 5." And starting to get a bit weepy; explaining that she wants to stay with her mummy all the time.

So we are concerned that come the first day, it'll all go to crap. The school apparently encourages parents to stay, but that can't last long. If it was normal school and she lost it, the school would handle it. A preschool will call us to come get her and then she'll realise she has an "out" and she'll do it every day. I want to take the hardline on it. Grin and bear the crying, reassure her but do not take her out of school. My wife is considering about maybe not starting her till January, but I think that should be avoided at all costs; that's just kicking the can down the road.

She tends to be a bit clingy in September - my wife doesn't work during the summer, so she gets lots of Mummy time, so it could just be this. And within a week or two, she'll be fine.
However, we are also expecting in January. My daughter doesn't officially know, but she's very perceptive, we're sure she does actually know but hasn't said it. For a good year she was pestering us for a baby brother or sister (or a twin sister ), but again in the last couple of weeks it's been more, "I don't really want a sister, but you can get a brother if you want".

So it's possible there's a just a confluence of all this stuff is making her nervous about losing her mummy? I have suggested making after preschool something fun - when she gets home or gets picked up by her Gran, she gets to eat something she loves. At least for the first while anyway until she's well used to it.

Any other suggestions? We are genuinely terrified that she will go absolutely ape**** and the school won't be able to handle her. She doesn't throw tantrums, but the once or twice we've tried leaving her with strangers, this insane unreasonable animal comes out of her

SAMTALK

I think it would be a bad idea to wait until January on two levels

1. She would be the new girl while all the others have bonded and

2. with new arrival it might seem like she is being pushed out just as new baby arrives. Might resent this IMO

I would go with starting with others in September with mam or dad staying for a while . Maybe leave room for a few mins 1st day and longer 2nd day etc.#

looksee

How about for the first couple of days you take her to the school stay long enough to see other children playing and introduce the teacher, but then leave with her, explain that when she is big she can stay and play with the other children. After a couple of days of this she may well realise that its ok, but you make a big concession of allowing her to stay rather than trying to persuade her to stay.

seamus

Cheers. I did also forget to mention that my wife has done some work in this preschool too, where my daughter accompanied her and had a great time. So she knows the school and knows it's fun.

We may be worrying about nothing; when she plays outside with the neighbours she'll be running around for an hour and won't give us a second glance. Though we haven't been brave enough to go inside and watch out the window. Maybe that's an idea; tell her we're inside if she needs us?

Weyhey

SAMTALK wrote: »

I think it would be a bad idea to wait until January on two levels

1. She would be the new girl while all the others have bonded and

2. with new arrival it might seem like she is being pushed out just as new baby arrives. Might resent this IMO

I would go with starting with others in September with mam or dad staying for a while . Maybe leave room for a few mins 1st day and longer 2nd day etc.#

Absolutely second this, do not leave it til January.
My 4 year old little one only goes to crèche one day a week since 18 months old and never really fitted in. She is such a social butterfly outside of crèche.
She can’t wait to go to the early start /preschool in September and I am hoping because all of the kids are starting together on the same day and it is only for 2.5 hours a day that she won’t feel left out like she does in crèche.

They also say that you should not make any big changes in a childs life within a month or two either side of a new baby coming into the house.

looksee

You know Seamus, while it is quite understandable, I think you may be overthinking this. Do a combination of the two suggestions, then just let her get on with it. 4 year olds are perfectly able to pick up your anxieties and will think there is something to be anxious about - or just play you along for attention Once she has got used to the idea of the pre-school she may try a bit of fuss as you leave, but I can guarantee that while your heart is broken, she will be fine as soon as you are out of sight!

Sapphire

I think most kids go through this at various stages. And when you prepare extensively for them to be at their most stubborn when introducing new stages, they turn around and make an eejit of you by taking to it like a duck to water. :P

But do the settling in now, not January. It's only two half days and likely will be full of new stuff and activities that she will love. Kids are more resilient than we often give them credit for.

And as well as this, with a new sibling that time would be the worst time to settle her in. She will see it as being shipped off while the baby gets 'her' place so playschool will be viewed as a punishment of sorts. Its quite an upheaval for a little one to have a sibling - not so much noticed by them when there's a smaller age gap but if shes 4 then it will be a big life change.

Chocolate fiend

She is still only 3, maybe push the whole thing out by a year? Maybe she is just not ready.

My daughter has never been away from me for any length of time, she is 4.5 now and will start preschool in Feb (we are in Australia) and she is really excited about it, but, this time last year would have been a very different story.

Don't feel you have to send her, preschool isn't a requirement, lots of children never go.

Chocolate fiend

She is still only 3, maybe push the whole thing out by a year? Maybe she is just not ready.

My daughter has never been away from me for any length of time, she is 4.5 now and will start preschool in Feb (we are in Australia) and she is really excited about it, but, this time last year would have been a very different story.

Don't feel you have to send her, preschool isn't a requirement, lots of children never go.

jester77

Over here we do an eingewöhnung with the child and it works really well. 1 of the parents will take the child there and spend a few hours with them and build up the time over the following days to get the child used to the environment. Then maybe in the 2nd week the parent will step out for a short time each day and gradually build up this time each day so the child gets used to being on their own with the other children. It works well with most children.

iguana

I have a similar situation with my son. He'll be 4 in November and has never really spent any time anywhere without a parent or grandparent. He's due to start pre-school next Friday, also 2 half days a week, and he is definitely apprehensive about it. He's so excited to go but his argument is that as there are big chairs as well as small chairs in the school, that the big chairs are for mums and I can stay and sit in one of those. I've decided to take it slowly with him starting and ease him into it. I'm not talking too much about how I can't stay with him anymore as that was definitely increasing his anxiety. So my plan is to go along next week and stay for the session but to back off from him and let him play with the other kids. (That's encouraged on the first day as there is a meeting for the parents afterwards.) The following week I'll go along with him, stay until I see him getting stuck into a game and then tell him I need to go do something boring like buy bread and ask if he wants to come with me or stay where he is. I'm 99% sure he'll choose to stay (if he doesn't I'll hang about a bit longer). I'm confident he'll actually be ok once I'm gone if he thinks it was his own idea to stay. And once he realises that he's fine without me for a few hours, his apprehension will go away after a few weeks. But I think that the key will be to leave him feel like he is in control as much as possible. Little kids have very little control over the big things in their lives and that can increase their anxiety.

I'm not quite sure what I'll do about my own apprehension though. I'm not looking forward to him being in school at all!

seamus

Thanks for the reassurance folks. Her opinion seems to have have shifted yesterday :rolleyes:, when asked if she was starting school next week by a friend, she proudly proclaimed that she was.

So I guess we just have to dive into this and deal with whatever happens, as it happens.

Although we're hurriedly acclimatising her to the toilet. The child loves a good game with her toys while doing the business, so we've let her keep using the potty for probably a year longer than she should have... :eek:

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

She is still only 3, maybe push the whole thing out by a year? Maybe she is just not ready.
...
Don't feel you have to send her, preschool isn't a requirement, lots of children never go.

To be fair, she's totally ready for it. The only reason we'd hold her back is for a briefly quiet life, which is selfish. IMHO, the social education one gets from any kind of school is vital and the earlier you get in, the better. And her mother needs for once to get a couple of mornings off a week; which will be even more crucial when there's a newborn around in Januray :eek:

Chocolate fiend

I wouldn't say that the earlier you get in the better, but, we can agree to disagree on that one.

She will be fine, the thought of it is worse than the reality.

A newborn and a 4 year old is totally fine, she will be excited by the new arrival. I had a newborn and a 14 month old and that was a little bit more daunting.....

HS3

Did the preschool tell you you could come get her? We've used two different pre schools and calling the parent was the absolute last resort. Maybe policies differ though? Preschools are as skilled with dealing with children who don't settle as schools are. It's expected and if staying with her for a little bit to help her settle is possible why not try it? If she needs it of course.

I think it's great your daughter can communicate her concerns to you. Have faith that the preschool have been through this a million times before and they are there to help you all.

It is only natural for you to feel apprehensive and she may be picking up on this. All parents get anxious at this time. It is all part of life. Don't make a big deal of it. She (and you) will be fine.

HelgaWard

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

She is still only 3, maybe push the whole thing out by a year? Maybe she is just not ready.

My daughter has never been away from me for any length of time, she is 4.5 now and will start preschool in Feb (we are in Australia) and she is really excited about it, but, this time last year would have been a very different story.

Don't feel you have to send her, preschool isn't a requirement, lots of children never go.

I think this is really bad advice. If you don't send the child to preschool, you are just failing to prepare them from school. Every other child will have done preschool, will know how to behave in a school environment, gain social skills and also learn and have fun! Just pull off the plaster and send the child to preschool. They'll all have their wobbles, but plenty of reassurance from Mammy & Daddy will help and they will have settled in in no time.

Chocolate fiend

Not every child goes to preschool. There is nothing to say that every other child will have been. I know plenty who never went.

Also this child is still only 3, she could easily wait another year, and go to school when she is 5 and still do a full year of preschool.

Roesy

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

Not every child goes to preschool. There is nothing to say that every other child will have been. I know plenty who never went.

Also this child is still only 3, she could easily wait another year, and go to school when she is 5 and still do a full year of preschool.

I teach in a primary school and usually teach infants or am learning support attached to infants. I can't remember the last time we had a child who didn't do some sort of playschool or Montessori.

cant26

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

Not every child goes to preschool. There is nothing to say that every other child will have been. I know plenty who never went.

Also this child is still only 3, she could easily wait another year, and go to school when she is 5 and still do a full year of preschool.

She is four in October.

Moonbeam

If you involve her and let her pick her own bag and lunch box etc .It might help .
My lot all did 2 years of pre school and my last one is starting this year ,she keeps asking if it is time yet

byhookorbycrook

Primary teacher here,I absolutely agree with her going and also with her picking up on your emotions. One thing I have seen to work is a parent giving their little one something to mind (such as a necklace -cheap of course! or whatever) until may comes to collect it and them. They can be nervous that Mam won' come back. Be sure she is collected on time,at that age every 3 mins seems like an hour when everyone else is leaving. Very important too is that you drop her, give her a hug and leave, the longer you stay the more distressed she will be when you leave. Sometimes it can be difficult, as the child seems distraught, but within 5 minutes of you leaving she WILL be fine.

Big Bag of Chips

I wonder is it more important to calm the child down, or Mammy?!

She'll be fine (both of them!)

Playschool teachers deal solely with that age group. They know what to expect and they know all the tricks! My friend's daughter cried every single day as she walked to the door of playschool. Every day. Tears and everything. She'd be fine in the car park. Fine playing around with her friends before going in, but as soon as time came to go in she'd start clinging and crying.

The teacher used to reassure the mam that as soon as she was inside out of sight of her, she was fine! My poor friend used to be heartbroken dropping her off. One day I was in the room when she dropped her daughter. Usual clingy, crying, being peeled off her mam. The mam turned to walk away, the child stepped over the threshold into the room and immediately started chatting to another child and playing with something!!

The child will most likely be fine. Mammy might need a bit of TLC for the first while, though.

implausible

Chocolate fiend wrote:

Not every child goes to preschool. There is nothing to say that every other child will have been. I know plenty who never went.

In Ireland the uptake of the free preschool scheme is approx 95%. It is unusual to find a child who hasn't been to preschool.

seamus

So just to update on this.

It was clear she understood that school meant we weren't going to be staying with her, but she was reluctant to accept that. We went in, took about 20 minutes for her to warm up, then she was having a great little game with another girl. So taking our cue from a few other parents, we told her we were going and would be back shortly. And she lost it, as we thought she might.

But we'd been encouraged by another little boy who had equally lost his mind when his mother left, but was then sitting quietly and happily reading a book five minutes later.

So we peeled her off us, the teacher picked her up and let her wave out the window to us through her tears. Mummy was in bits convinced we were getting a phone call in 15 minutes to come back and pick her up.

We do get a call 20 minutes later telling us that she's absolutely fine, she's sitting with the rest of the kids having the craic. So that was a load off.

When we did pick her up, she almost didn't want to leave, she wanted to wait until the teacher had finished the story. Then she skipped out the place, delighted with herself that she had sucked up her fear and stayed. The teacher said that she'd been telling everyone who'd listen (including other parents) about how she was having loads of fun without her Mummy and Daddy

She was excited again about going today, though I would expect some resistance at the door. At least now we know she can get past her fear.

I think my wife aged about ten years and then gained fifteen back again in the space of an hour yesterday morning

jester77

seamus wrote: »

She was excited again about going today, though I would expect some resistance at the door. At least now we know she can get past her fear.

I think my wife aged about ten years and then gained fifteen back again in the space of an hour yesterday morning

Sounds good, you will probably have resistance for a few days until she is comfortable in her environment. Then the first day that she doesn't, you will actually feel a little heart broken that she is not sad seeing you leave

HelgaWard

That's great news, delighted to hear she is happy. Well done!

Big Bag of Chips

True! I don't know which is worse, having them crying because you're abandoning them, or realising that they're abandoning you!!!

Tasden

Aw this thread made me miss all those milestones

Just like any other person, there will be days where she will skip in all excited and there will be days where she doesn't want to leave her comfort space and would rather stay at home (I am usually the latter myself! )

You know you're doing the right thing, just like when you had to get the bcg done and make her eat her veg etc. So don't get too upset or anxious about it. She will settle and then you'll have to do this all over again when she starts school

You'll probably find that when she starts school she'll be telling you two to go and stop being silly. Because she'll feel prepared for it as a result of playschool. Now THAT is upsetting :pac: expecting tears but instead being told to leave!

iguana

Tasden wrote: »

Now THAT is upsetting :pac: expecting tears but instead being told to leave!

I was a little like that today. S jumped out of the car shouting, 'Welcome to playschool,' to all the other kids who were arriving. Then he ran off playing and I don't think he'd have minded if I'd left. And I think he's well prepared for me to leave on Tuesday. On the up side, I got to take some amazing photos.

Tasden

iguana wrote: »

I was a little like that today. S jumped out of the car shouting, 'Welcome to playschool,' to all the other kids who were arriving. Then he ran off playing and I don't think he'd have minded if I'd left. And I think he's well prepared for me to leave on Tuesday. On the up side, I got to take some amazing photos.

Aw how cute is he?! that's adorable that he was greeting the other kids, seems like a sociable little person!

jlm29

iguana wrote: »

I was a little like that today. S jumped out of the car shouting, 'Welcome to playschool,' to all the other kids who were arriving. Then he ran off playing and I don't think he'd have minded if I'd left. And I think he's well prepared for me to leave on Tuesday. On the up side, I got to take some amazing photos.

So cute! On my little boys first day of preschool, he said to me in the car "now mam, when we get to school, you're not to come in with me. Just drop me at the gate, and pull off, OK?". I would have liked just a little touch of neediness to make me feel appreciated!