Be more assertive, less a pushover/Learning to say "No" - Risks involved?

LegacyUser

Hey there! Long time boardsie, first time PI poster

I have something that is not so much of an issue or problem, more just a general question to ask advice from you good people.

Basically, all my life I have been very keen to help people as much as I possibly can, but I feel as though I am at a point where by trying to please everyone, I am now pleasing nobody, not least myself. So I'm wondering how have people been able to adjust to stand their ground more? Also, for people who it comes more naturally to, is their any advice you could give to someone trying to be a bit more assertive?



For more detail, I am male, mid-twenties, introverted but have been aware of this long enough that I have been able to put myself out there as outgoing for the most part. My big fear is of being too assertive with people, as I don't have any real idea of what is too assertive or not assertive enough and find it very hard to judge it in situations. I find that I try very hard to appease people or come across as selfish resulting if I don't completely submit to people, with seemingly no middle ground in between the two.

As an example, I have been working in an internship for the past couple of months, and as such don't have a great income at present. However I had an argument with a friend recently who suggested a trip to Brazil in the next month or two. When I said no, that I simply couldn't afford it, the attitude suddenly turned nasty, "that I was being selfish", "that I would do this for others" etc. when I felt I was in the right as I simply couldn't afford it.

This example shows a reaction that I am getting almost in every case these days as it feels like people are so expectant that I will say yes to everything that they get very angry and nasty at the suggestion of a no, even if I explain my reasons. For the past couple of days, I've tried to be more assertive with friends but as above it just seems to jump straight to aggressive rows and there seems to be a real risk that I'm going to lose a lot of my closest friends from trying to stand my ground more.

Any help is appreciated?

coolcat63

It's strange to hear that your friend thinks you're selfish for not being able to afford (what must be) a very expensive holiday.

For me there's a couple of ways to be assertive; the 'yes, but, however' and the broken record. An example of the first "yes, I'd love to go to Brazil but I can't afford it for a least a couple of years - however I could do a really cheap week in Spain if you're up for that?'.

The broken record is simple 'sorry, mate, I can't afford it'....repeat in different ways (I don't have the money, it's too much for me at the moment, I can't manage it, etc) until it sinks in. Both techniques can be used in any situation and adding in a smile always helps.

Good luck.

baby and crumble

Well firstly your friend sounds like a arse to get angry about noth being able to afford what WOULD be an expensive trip. FFS I certainly couldn't afford it, and I have a decent job. Maybe with 6 months or more saving, but certainly not at the drop of a hat. I'd forget about that one, you certainly did nothing wrong at all.

As for the assertiveness thing, I understand completely. When I was younger (up to my late 20's) I would constantly say yes and accommodate people. TBH it took a near breakdown and my having to take 6 months off work and college to get past it. I realised the world doesn't end if I say no to a few things. Not everything, because that's just being a d*ck for no reason. But if I can't do something, I won't. If I can I will.

CoolCat63 has put it well. Those are the best ways. I would say, make sure and think about the request, whatever it is, well, because the absolute last thing you want to do is start saying no and then going back on what you've said.

And be prepared for some people to not like it. You may see some of your friends in a new light. I know I did. But my true friends all understood and it's fine now.

HalloweenJack

baby and crumble wrote: »

And be prepared for some people to not like it. You may see some of your friends in a new light. I know I did. But my true friends all understood and it's fine now.

I think this is a very important post and you're already seeing this come into play.

There is a type of person that is very pushy and make things all about them, whether they're aware of it or not and hang around people who enable that behave that way. When confronted, they tend to deny it and ignore the person confronting them or react with anger to no longer being able to push people around.

From your OP, it sounds like some of these people who were your friends may fit into that group. If they later realise that they're in the wrong and apologise, then they might actually be real friends but if they don't, there's no point worrying about them. They clearly are not interested in a friendship with this new assertive you that they can't push around.

rainbowtrout

You were right to say no. And you were not being selfish. I earn a good wage, and I still wouldn't be upping sticks and heading off to Brazil with 1-2 months notice. I would be saving for it for months in advance. For a friend to turn around and tell you that you are selfish for turning down a trip you can't afford is completely selfish on their part as well as irrational and unreasonable.

Like others said, you may lose some friends over this, the real ones will stick by you, but they are not friends if you have to constantly appease them to the detriment of your own mental health.

Some of these friends, if you have known them for a long time, have based their relationship with you on being able to have their own way all the time as they know you have always given in to their decisions, choices or favours asked of you. Some of them have probably taken advantage of you in the past knowing that you wouldn't say no. Now that you are putting yourself first, they have to adjust their expectations of you.

LorMal

One of the best tricks I have learned is to buy myself time. I just say 'let me think about that' or 'I'll come back to you on that' - some delaying tactic that buys you some time. Then you can decide how you feel about the request and you can decide if you want to say yes or no.
It makes it so much easier.