Regretting Break Up

LegacyUser

I don't want to go in to too many details about my relationship, so I'll try to give a quick overview.

I'm 29 years old and was dating a girl for a while. She broke up with me because I wasn't putting enough into the relationship, which was true. A year later we got back in contact and decided to give it another shot, this time with me actually focusing on our relationship.

This didn't last long and I decided to break up with her. Why? I was so hurt by the first break up that I felt more distant from her the second time around.

Ever since I've felt regret about this. I'm not obsessing over the break up like I did after the first time, but more that I didn't give the relationship enough of a chance, or that we got back together too soon.

I'm worried I've burned all my bridges I had with her, especially now because she stopped messaging me a few months ago.

Am I foolish to even think about contacting her again? Am I flogging a dead horse?

GingerLily

Have you post about this before OP?

batmanrobin

How long were ye back together the second time round before you ended it?

How long were ye together the first time?

In what way weren't you putting enough into it?

You say you were messaging up until a few months ago. Why did that stop?

The reason you might be feeling as you are could be down to the fact that you're processing both breakups for the first time. I think it sounds like you two might not be the most compatible. You could try a third time, but you have to ask yourself will this lead to a fourth time, a fifth time... Sometimes you just have to let go and move on.

squonk

I'd say just move on. You felt insecure and distance the second time round so things didn't work. I think a fresh start is the best option here for you, after you've gotten over your issues over both breakups in the meantime of course.

I also think you need to leave it alone for the sake of your ex. Look at it from her perspective. First you don't put a lot of effort into the relationship to the point where she decided to break up with you. Next, you eventually get back together but you end up breaking it off with her because of your own issues. I think she's been through enough and she's finally gotten to the point where she's moving on with her life and that's why she's stopped messaging you.

I don't think your sense of regret is really founded. I think you should take it on board as a lesson for down the road to always try to put as much effort into future relationships as you can, otherwise you'll be back in the same position you are now.

LegacyUser

The first time you didn't put any effort in, the second time you broke up with her. I'm not surprised she stopped messaging you and the fairest thing you could do is to leave her alone.

LegacyUser

I can't seem to multi quote as a guest but I think the following applies to all of the replies I've gotten so far. I guess my first post didn't give enough information.

batmanrobin wrote: »

How long were ye back together the second time round before you ended it?

It was about 3 months.

batmanrobin wrote: »

How long were ye together the first time?

In or around 9 months. I know, we weren't together that long, but it felt long (in a good way) to me.

batmanrobin wrote: »

In what way weren't you putting enough into it?

This was my first real relationship. I was a bit distant and didn't express my emotions very well. I was completely oblivious to this at the time. She never said this was the reason she broke up until the second time we got back together.

batmanrobin wrote: »

You say you were messaging up until a few months ago. Why did that stop?

We broke up, but she suggested we stay friends. This worked for a while, but then she stopped replying to my messages. I got a little bit frustrated with this, so I kind of deleted her off my phone thinking she didn't want to speak to me anymore. She figured out I did this and we messaged back and forth and I came out looking foolish, then she stopped messaging so I just said maybe we can't be friends if it's going to be like this. She never messaged me again.

batmanrobin wrote: »

The reason you might be feeling as you are could be down to the fact that you're processing both breakups for the first time. I think it sounds like you two might not be the most compatible. You could try a third time, but you have to ask yourself will this lead to a fourth time, a fifth time... Sometimes you just have to let go and move on.

I have thought many times if I'm obsessing about her because deep down I really want to be with her or if it's because I'm lonely. I've never had a relationship before or since, but have been on many dates yet I've never had a connection like I did with her.

batmanrobin

fullofregrets wrote: »

I've never had a connection like I did with her.

The whole connection thing is dangerous thinking. When we feel it with one person and that ends, and we don't feel it with anyone else we encounter it can make a person think what they had with the other person was something unique and rare. It isn't. You'll feel it with someone else and it might even be better because you might not break up.

We'll feel different levels of connections with different people. Some it will only be a short thing, or a physical thing, or something that might last a few years but the overall level of compatibility will mean it won't last 60 years etc.

Also staying friends after a break up is a bad idea. You need to go cold turkey as it'll help get past things.

Why don't you take 6 months at a min, work on getting past her and no contact and if, after that time, you still feel like you should try again, then maybe do. But breaking up twice is never a good sign and I think you should probably just draw a line under it.

coco32

Just message her and test the waters. I'm in the same boat, your always going to wonder what if! I know couples who have broken up more than once and have gotten back together and are still together. Go with your instincts and not with what anyone else thinks cause everyone has had different experiences so will give conflicting advice. Good luck

Sound Bite

I believe in second changes op but think third time lucky is rarely a reality. Learn from this for your future relationships. Try contact her if you wish but keep your expectations low.

I hope you are at peace whatever the scenario OP. I was in a similar position as you once upon a time. I fell hard and fast for a girl and for 9 and a half months things went swimmingly but fell apart at the seams for reasons which i wont get into as it would make the head spin.

Basically, there was a change of dynamic if you will after returning from a holiday , i was stubborn and believed she was out of order and her me and we eventually just stopped communication and eventually split. it ended awfully. Looking back, we ended up splitting up by bloody text message which is something i just didn't ever envisage and certainly didnt want but things had become on the border of toxic at that stage. If im being honest, i became a boring sh*t who happened to work for an american mulitnational sweatshop (which i hated) and was becoming increasingly set in my ways and i was gaining the bit of weight too.

she probably was too nice at the time to keep me on my toes but when she got to a point that she felt she had to make a statement, boy did she make it. She got out of my car one sunday morning and slammed the passenger door in fury... i was taken aback as i never thought id see the day. i understood that she was frustrated but she just didnt seem to be able to convey her message properly to me until it was too late to do anything about it and i buried my head in the sand also being honest. a week later we officially ended it.

i had expected that perhaps we could work on things but she felt it was over and being honest i probably tended to agree with her, but i was heartbroken, she was my first major thing. I still loved her dearly but couldn't see us getting back to the way things were. Part of me will always love the girl that i clicked eyes on on that Stephens night back in 2008 and felt my heart pound hard in my chest, but the rest of me accepts reluctantly to this day that it just wasnt meant to be. I had nothing like it previous, and ive had nothing like it since but ill still persevere and believe

We almost reconciled at a later stage and she initiated contact but my circumstances had changed and i became unemployed so in Sept of that year i went to college in Carlow while she done a post grad in Limerick. She met someone else soon after returning to whereas i having returned as a mature student, began to enjoy the single life We had basically kind of fell out and dropped contact again. I was depressed though because no girl compared with her in the slightest. The way she used look at me made me feel no one else in the world mattered. She used make me dissolve.... but i continuously remind myself that the person i fell out with was now going to be the person i would have to commit to whereas the person i originally fell for was probably gone and fair to say it was probably the same for her. The dynamic had changed.

She now turns up in my facebook 'friend suggestions' in her wedding dress on her wedding day due to probably having my email address from years ago.... :pac: I wont lie....while i am happy she met someone else if not that little bit jealous (i havent met 'the one' myself of yet, but a part of me will always lament that little bit)

She had that smile that could melt the polar ice caps (to me at least). She hadnt the perfect figure by any means (not that i cared) but to me she was stunning. I probably didnt tell her enough.

I understand the predicament you are in op. You are between the head and heart and those two can never agree on anything.

I suppose we might agree on this Oscar Wilde quote from a mans point of view at least, "Women are there to be loved, not understood".

dudara

@tipp_Gunner - please confine your posts to offering advice to the OP. If you want to discuss your circumstance please feel free tostada another thread.

To all posters - the OP has not posted in a while now, so I'm not sure that offering any further advice without their will help.

dudara

dudara

dudara wrote: »

@tipp_Gunner - please confine your posts to offering advice to the OP. If you want to discuss your circumstance please feel free tostada another thread.

To all posters - the OP has not posted in a while now, so I'm not sure that offering any further advice without their will help.

dudara

I understand. I thought by sharing my own experience the op could relate to it and see he's not alone.

I hope he finds a way to move on and if he keeps busy he should do so