Another Mother in Law Thread

LegacyUser

From the minute I met my OH mother in law I knew she didn't like me. We were sitting at a dinner table. I was sitting beside my OH and his dad and she was sitting further down the table with her sister. I had met his dad previously so I felt a bit more comfortable chatting to him. I was talking to him about a company my family own. I didn't mean for it to come across as braggy but I guess it probably did. She asked me a question about it and then I caught her from the corner of my eye whispering something to her sister. I thought at the time it was very juvenile.

Roll on a few years and nothing much has changed. When we visit his parents I get a big open arm hug and kiss from his dad while she fawns over my OH. I do my best to try engage her in conversation but you know when you just know someone doesn't like you? It's like trying to get blood from a stone. When my OH is there she's all talk so he doesn't notice this.

There's has been times over the last few years when she's made comments to him like "Oh is this a serious relationship?" (after a year of us being together) and "Do you really think you should be buying a house with her?". I genuinely believe that my OH believes her when she says she likes me because otherwise he wouldn't have told me about these comments. He doesn't see the malice that I see in them.

Recently they visited us because they were collecting a member of their family (M) from the airport. It was M's birthday and since M is a huge lover of chocolate I went to the effort of making a big chocolate cake for them. My OH's mother made a comment to him "I don't like chocolate cake, I only like apple cake." I was fuming. It wasn't her birthday. The cake wasn't for her and I had gone to a huge amount of effort only to be made feel like I was cutting her out. So I ran to Tesco and got more ingredients for an apple cake. She ate a tiny sliver of the cake and the rest was fit for the bin because everyone else was filling up on the monster chocolate cake I had made.

I was informed last night that "My mam got the impression that you don't like her the last time she was up". To say I was fuming was an understatement. I have been nothing but nice to her. Trying to engage her in conversation. Even going out of my way to make her her own cake and that still isn't good enough for her.

My OH is trying to make it out that the whole cake thing is his fault. He said he told his family I was making a cake for ALL of them but even then I still think it was rude that she complained that a cake I had spent hours making wasn't to her taste.

I don't think anyone will ever be good enough for her son. His brother told me that she's never liked any girlfriends they've brought home.

Any advice? If this was a friend or a person I knew through a friend I wouldn't bother even trying to pretend I like them. Am I wrong to be annoyed about the cake thing?

Big Bag of Chips

No, you're not wrong to be annoyed. But you are wrong to care!! Some people just won't like you. The mother has never liked any girlfriends, so why do you think you'd be the one to change all that?!!

Commenting about the serious relationship, and buying a house wouldn't be that unusual. My mother said the same to me when we were discussing buying a house. My husband's mother said the same to him! It's a big financial commitment. The most expensive item you will ever buy in your life. Just because she doesn't like you doesn't mean everything she says is a dig. It's easy to take things as a dig, but it's also easy to pretend she likes you! Pretend you don't notice the digs and carry on smiling and being as sweet as you can.

When she said "I only eat apple cake" you should have just said "Oh, do you?" and carried on. You knew you weren't going to please her. Yet you put yourself to the expense, time and effort of another cake, and then were annoyed that you didn't please her!! Although, to put a positive spin on that, you could look at it that she thought she'd get the better of you, but you did another cake and it didn't matter whether she ate it or not, you didn't give her something to whinge about!!

Did you post about her before? I remember another post with a cake incident! Anyway, carry on being polite and civil. She doesn't like you. She doesn't have to. Just so long as she is not interfering and is not trying to turn your bf against you then you can just continue to pass each other. Sounds like the other family members are on to her anyway.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your response BBoC. I really appreciate it.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Commenting about the serious relationship, and buying a house wouldn't be that unusual. My mother said the same to me when we were discussing buying a house. My husband's mother said the same to him! It's a big financial commitment. The most expensive item you will ever buy in your life. Just because she doesn't like you doesn't mean everything she says is a dig. It's easy to take things as a dig, but it's also easy to pretend she likes you! Pretend you don't notice the digs and carry on smiling and being as sweet as you can..

Yeh you're right. I guess I'm just seeing the malice in them because I wanted to. The house thing is fair enough but it did upset me when he was talking about going on holidays with me (after a year) and she acted shocked that this relationship was "going somewhere".

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

When she said "I only eat apple cake" you should have just said "Oh, do you?" and carried on. You knew you weren't going to please her. Yet you put yourself to the expense, time and effort of another cake, and then we're annoyed that you didn't please her!! Although, to put a positive spin on that, you could look at it that she thought she'd get the better of you, but you did another cake and it didn't matter whether she ate it or not, you didn't give her something to whinge about!!.

Yeh I think the reason I made her the cake was that i felt like she thought I made the chocolate cake out of spite knowing she wouldn't like it. The first I heard about her not liking chocolate cake was that day. I presumed she liked it because she's always eating chocolate.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Did you post about her before? I remember another post with a cake incident! Anyway, carry on being polite and civil. She doesn't like you. She doesn't have to. Just so long as she is not interfering and is not trying to turn your bf against you then you can just continue to pass easy other. Sounds like the other family members are on to her anyway.

No never posted about her before.

See this is the thing. I feel now she is trying to turn him against me. They spent 2 hours on the phone yesterday and he said she was extremely upset about how I was with her and in turn he was a little off with me. He's telling me to "try harder" but I don't know what else I could possibly do to try harder. She cannot be pleased. I will always smile and be polite to her. Like I always have been.

She has a huge issue with anything I post on facebook that involves him. I'm not friends with her, she only see's posts I tag him in. He has tags reviewed so he has to manually accept anything I put up.

I put up a picture of him on facebook where he had cut himself doing some gardening. Jokingly, I said "you'll have dinner ready for me next time". I get it wasn't the funniest joke in the world. He thought it was funny as well until she text him to give out to him and I took it down straight away. She won't let this go. She rang him nearly every day for a week (the picture was well gone at this stage) to give out to him about the picture and how I should be ashamed of myself for putting up the picture like that. Also that I should be appreciative of him doing the gardening (which I was!) but apparently by putting up that picture I have no respect for him. Domestic violence is not a joke and that I should know better.

Another time we were on a bouncy castle and he threw me off and someone had video'd it. It was quite hilarious looking but she was not impressed that it was on facebook etiher "It doesn't paint you in a good light does it?"

I tagged him in a post when we were going on holidays - "nobody needs to know your business or where you're going."

Jerome77

Just ignore. Some people are just evil and you will never change them. If I were you, just stop going to family doos with the in laws, no one will die, mind your iwn mental health. That stuff is toxic and not required.If it was not the cake, it would be something else wrong with her, Best of luck,

Mr. Incognito

I think you have gotten it in your head that she doesnt like you and that is colouring everything.

I think you need to stop caring so much.

intheclouds

You need to stop caring and you also need not to pander to her.

Call her out on it if she is rude to you in person. If she is bitching to your OH about you on the phone tell him that you are not interested in hearing about it.

Why would you take an FB post down because of her moaning? Just leave it up and laugh her off.

Id be keeping it simple - make like she doesnt exist. Her approval is irrelevant.

I think I posted about a cake incident before (it was apple tart too) - it was in relation to a friend whose new BF had an overbearing mother. She was going to sunday dinner in his parents house so she baked an apple tart - he told mammy that the new gf was bringing homemade apple tart. When she got there the mammy had also baked an apple tart. Mammy actually cut out a slice of each apple tart and told the guy to taste each one and say which one he liked the best. You couldnt make it up.

Big Bag of Chips

Daugherindistress wrote: »

I tagged him in a post when we were going on holidays - "nobody needs to know your business or where you're going."

She's right though!!

Seriously, OP, the rubbish people put up on Facebook all for "likes". She's from a different generation to you and all this "over sharing" just seems ridiculous to her. What you see as hilarious (being thrown off a bouncy castle) would be childish and ridiculous to someone else and they don't see the point in sharing it with a few hundred "friends".

She's just the one being vocal about it because he's her son, and she feels it's her place to point out where she thinks he's going wrong.

If he tells you to "make more of an effort" you can always point out that you get the feeling his mother doesn't like you much and maybe you're just never going to be best buddies. But stop looking for fault in everything she says. Stop looking for digs. Carry on with your business. Be polite whenever you see her. Avoid seeing her where not necessary. You're not joined at the hip to your bf so he can occasionally go to minor family gatherings without you. Save your visits for the big occasions, with lots of people, so you can avoid her!

LegacyUser

You absolutely have to stop caring so much. It will always jab at you a little, but just bite your tongue and carry on. And for heaven's sake stop bending over backwards to please her because you never will.
I can tell you now that if kids ever enter the equation this could get a million times worse, so start working now on laughing her off as much as possible. Because it's a hell of a lot harder when there are kids involved.

Sapphire

His brother told me that she's never liked any girlfriends they've brought home.

This bit stands out for me. I'm thinking it might be helpful for you to see that your OH could bring home a Stepford Wife type and she would manage to find fault with her. So its not necessarily personal towards you necessarily. She just hates all partners for her kids.

And that is her loss. She will reap what she sows there. There was a brief power struggle between me and my MIL where I felt she overstepped her boundaries in dictating to me. So I disengaged. I just got too busy with hobbies for a few months to visit. In her mind, anything my OH does that she disapproves of, it must be my influence. Its not personal, all the other OH's of her kids are in the same boat - we actually joke about it among ourselves, it became much easier to shrug off once I knew it wasn't just me. She can say what she likes and I genuinely do not care or seek her approval. As long as my OH and I are on the same page, that is all that matters.

I think you need to do that too. If you are buying a house, then everything will be remarked on, because from your FB example, she clearly loves to foist her opinion on you. So expect snide asides about your choice sofa or cushions, and expect that she will try to dictate your decor and have a few faux-sweet responses up your sleeve back at her. Better yet, share as little as possible with her at all.

You can see from the phonecall that she is manipulative - and that your OH is a sitting duck for it (can hardly blame him, its how he was reared after all). I think Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is a book that you'd find very useful.

twill

She does sound like a nasty, nasty person.

First off, do not let her dictate what you post on Facebook in any shape or form, or make you apologise for it. It's important that you don't appear to validate her unreason by playing along with it.

See this is the thing. I feel now she is trying to turn him against me. They spent 2 hours on the phone yesterday and he said she was extremely upset about how I was with her and in turn he was a little off with me. He's telling me to "try harder" but I don't know what else I could possibly do to try harder. She cannot be pleased. I will always smile and be polite to her. Like I always have been.

Again, simply tell him the truth. You have done all you can, but it's not enough for her, because she doesn't like you. She doesn't like his girlfriends, full stop.

Don't give her power by trying to placate her. Simply be pleasant and ignore her insults and attempts to manipulate you. This is a person who is trying to displace you: do not cooperate. People like that will make you feel crazy, so take a step back and refuse to engage.

Sapphire

Oh and get those FB settings for you and your OH modified

Big Bag of Chips

She can be put in a group where what you post can be seen by everyone, or friends, or friends , except [group].

What she can't see she can't comment on!

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

She's right though!!

She is absolutely not right. If the MIL doesn't like the content of Facebook, she can stay off it. Is the OP visiting her places of interest and complaining loudly? "This bingo craic is rubbish!". I doubt it.

OP, your MIL was never going to like you, it's just the kind of person she is and MIL's commonly don't take to their offspring's partners, it's really nothing to do with who you are as a person, it's about her and how she sees your role and there is no pleasing her, so don't try.
The Facebook comments were waiting to happen, she was delighted you gave her something to pounce on and moan about. Bet your life she doesn't patrol Facebook making similar comments on anyone else's page, she just saw a chance to have a dig at you. Don't change your behaviour on Facebook, or anywhere else, keep living your life and people will see her stupid comments for what they are.

Your bigger, more important problem is the fact that your husband seems a bit clueless and spineless. He made you take down a Facebook post 'cos his mammy said so? He takes the blame for her rudeness giving out about a cake? He's off with you 'cos she got in his ear about you? He needs to grow a pair and redraw the boundaries with her, he's a married man now, not a little boy anymore.

Rekop dog

So your bf is 'telling' you to try harder, sounds a bit on the controlling side. If he cannot see that your efforts of going above and beyond to try appease his mother isn't already more than enough then maybe there's an issue there as well that needs addressing.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

She's right though!!

Seriously, OP, the rubbish people put up on Facebook all for "likes". She's from a different generation to you and all this "over sharing" just seems ridiculous to her. What you see as hilarious (being thrown off a bouncy castle) would be childish and ridiculous to someone else and they don't see the point in sharing it with a few hundred "friends".!

But surely that's my choice? If I want to put up pics of everything on MY page I'm entitled to do that.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

She can be put in a group where what you post can be seen by everyone, or friends, or friends , except [group].

What she can't see she can't comment on!

I'm not friends with her on FB so she can't see any of my other posts, only posts that he's tagged in. It would be up to him to either remove her or do this so she doesn't see the posts and all out war would happen if he deleted her on FB.

Rekop dog wrote: »

So your bf is 'telling' you to try harder, sounds a bit on the controlling side. If he cannot see that your efforts of going above and beyond to try appease his mother isn't already more than enough then maybe there's an issue there as well that needs addressing.

He's not controlling. Far from it. He is getting it in the ear from his mother that I'm upsetting her. He understands my efforts and as I said in my first post even tries to take the blame on himself (claiming he told her the cake was for the whole family and not just for the chocolate lover).

twill wrote: »

She does sound like a nasty, nasty person.

First off, do not let her dictate what you post on Facebook in any shape or form, or make you apologise for it. It's important that you don't appear to validate her unreason by playing along with it.



Again, simply tell him the truth. You have done all you can, but it's not enough for her, because she doesn't like you. She doesn't like his girlfriends, full stop.

Don't give her power by trying to placate her. Simply be pleasant and ignore her insults and attempts to manipulate you. This is a person who is trying to displace you: do not cooperate. People like that will make you feel crazy, so take a step back and refuse to engage.

Thank you. So far I only took down the "you'll have dinner ready for me post" because in hindsight it was a bit insensitive.

She does all of this through my OH. She would never ever dare say any of this to me. Even the FB post she had such an issue with - her anger was directed through him.

Sapphire wrote: »

I think you need to do that too. If you are buying a house, then everything will be remarked on, because from your FB example, she clearly loves to foist her opinion on you. So expect snide asides about your choice sofa or cushions, and expect that she will try to dictate your decor and have a few faux-sweet responses up your sleeve back at her. Better yet, share as little as possible with her at all.

You can see from the phonecall that she is manipulative - and that your OH is a sitting duck for it (can hardly blame him, its how he was reared after all). I think Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is a book that you'd find very useful.

I'm 99% sure she's already made comments about the decor in the house to my OH but that he's keeping them to himself. I think I overheard her say something about one room being very "girly".

I think I got back to everyone. I really appreciate the replies. To those who say "try not to care" - after the cake incident I said "fck it" and told myself I wasn't bothering anymore. There was a family event the week after and I didn't attend. That was about a month ago and this came up again last night when she rang him upset, throwing herself a pity party and him falling for it.

I told him that if making her her own possibly cake, putting myself out doing so was not showing him that I am trying that nothing will and that he's just going to have to accept that.

GingerLily

OP, can you clarify of your married? Your title is confusing me?

I agree with most of the comments, fix your Facebook settings and toughen up with her.

If she didnt like chocolate cake you could have just given her nothing, she may have seen it as passive aggressive that you went and made a whole cake for her, that was OTT whatever your reasons were. I know I'd be uncomfortable if someone did that for me and I have dietary issues which mean I regularly can't eat meals /cakes that are homemade.

groovyg

Op you need to take a massive step back here, I think you went wayyyy over the top with the whole cake thing. Why didn't you just buy a shop bought apple cake instead of going to all that bother making one or better not give her anything at all. Keep a packet of rice/corn crackers in the press for the next visit. You know she doesn't like you so take a step back and ignore her. stop trying to please her, no matter how much you go above and beyond for her it will never be enough and you'll end up more upset.

Big Bag of Chips

I was being a bit tongue in cheek about the Facebook posts! If you post something on YOUR page and she comments because she's friends with someone you tagged. You can delete her post. So just delete it! She'll hardly come back looking for it, and if she does, play dumb.

Seriously though, she is trying to bother you, and she is succeeding. Beautifully. So just don't be bothered by her. If your bf mentions that his mother thinks you don't like her, play dumb! "But didn't I make a cake, just for her??" She's playing a similar game with him. Pretending to like you, and being confused as to why you might not like her. Make sure the next time you see her you are SO over the top sweet and nice to her that there can be no mistake that you like her!

She can only bother you if you let her. And you're letting her. I'd have great craic with someone like her. You say she chats away to you when your bf is around? So she's putting on a show. You do the same. If you are super sweet to her, go out of your way to be nice to her etc, in front of your bf, how can she then come back and say you don't like her? Look, she's hardly thick. And you aren't either. You'll both know its just a charade for the benefit of others. But you can have the added satisfaction that your game is annoying her more than her's is annoying you!

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I was being a bit tongue in cheek about the Facebook posts! If you post something on YOUR page and she comments because she's friends with someone you tagged. You can delete her post. So just delete it! She'll hardly come back looking for it, and if she does, play dumb.

Seriously though, she is trying to bother you, and she is succeeding. Beautifully. So just don't be bothered by her. If your bf mentions that his mother thinks you don't like her, play dumb! "But didn't I make a cake, just for her??" She's playing a similar game with him. Pretending to like you, and being confused as to why you might not like her. Make sure the next time you see her you are SO over the top sweet and nice to her that there can be no mistake that you like her!

People who post nasty comments of Facebook do come back looking for them as they want to see the reaction and a pattern of disappearing comments will escalate things, as will the game playing of appearing to fawn over her. Anyone with a brain will see through it and it will just make the MIL more determined to catch the OP out in anything she feels she can complain about. Extremely bad advice. The OP needs to look at how she feels about this and possibly address her husband's lack of support , not alter her behaviour.

LegacyUser

groovyg wrote: »

Op you need to take a massive step back here, I think you went wayyyy over the top with the whole cake thing. Why didn't you just buy a shop bought apple cake instead of going to all that bother making one or better not give her anything at all. Keep a packet of rice/corn crackers in the press for the next visit. You know she doesn't like you so take a step back and ignore her. stop trying to please her, no matter how much you go above and beyond for her it will never be enough and you'll end up more upset.

GingerLily wrote: »

If she didnt like chocolate cake you could have just given her nothing, she may have seen it as passive aggressive that you went and made a whole cake for her, that was OTT whatever your reasons were. I know I'd be uncomfortable if someone did that for me and I have dietary issues which mean I regularly can't eat meals /cakes that are homemade.

She was sitting there with a face on her. She didn't say it to me. As I said she NEVER says anything directly to me. She pulled him aside and said the remark about her not having anything to eat because she doesn't like chocolate. I could have bought a shop cake but since I make cakes as a hobby I'm pretty sure giving her a shop bought cake would have been even more insulting.

I am sorry I bothered making the cake because nothing I did would have pleased her and I only put myself out. I guess it was last bit of effort to *try* and get her to like me.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I was being a bit tongue in cheek about the Facebook posts! If you post something on YOUR page and she comments because she's friends with someone you tagged. You can delete her post. So just delete it! She'll hardly come back looking for it, and if she does, play dumb.

See she would never ever comment on a post of mine on facebook that her son was tagged in. Instead, she'll ring him and complain to him.

I met him for lunch and we talked about it. I explained to him that she pretty much blanks me when I'm in a room with her but will chat away to me if he's there to hear it. He tried comparing this to my dad but I cut him short. My dad doesn't talk at all, even if I'm in the room so it's not the same.

I used some of the points from this thread (about nobody being good enough for her son - and he didn't deny this) and explained that I'm sure I'll put something else up on FB to annoy her, or do something that she doesn't like but that I don't want to hear about it anymore. I told him he can either sit there and listen to her moan about me or tell her to go get a hobby. The next time he tells me she's said something about me I will confront her.

In his family his mother can do no wrong. She's the centre of attention and everyone goes out of their way to please her. I come from a very different family dynamic where if you're wrong, you're wrong and you apologise. But in his family even if his mother is wrong it always gets flipped around and someone else has to do the apologising to her. So I've been giving my OH a bit of lee-way here because standing up to her is something nobody has ever done.

batmanrobin

First off - stop pandering to this woman! You give an inch and she'll take a mile!

You've been given a wonderful opportunity to tackle this head on with her. Sit her down and tell her about the phone call where she said she feels you don't like her. Then kill the damn woman with kindness. Of course you like her, why wouldn't you, ask her why she feels you don't, why don't we (ye) start off on a clean slate. Maybe even have this convo with your bf present? That way he'll see you making the effort and she won't have much of a foot to stand on. You don't have to actually mean it, so long as she thinks you do.

You can only ignore women like this for so long. Personally I'd rather tackle it head on.

MeatTwoVeg

I'd be less worried about the MIL - she could be easily ignored - and more worried that your partner seems like a total Mummy's Boy.

DeltaWhite

Oh God the dreaded MIL thread!! I feel sorry for you OP because I feel like you've gone to a lot of effort to strike up some sort of a relationship with her and its just not happening. That's not your fault and I hope you will stop trying now. You don't have to be mean to her, you can just be civil and make less effort.

My ex's Mam was a humdinger. So glad I removed him and her from my life I dread to think what life would be like. She read out txts, emails, letters you name it. If she had a fight with him she would ring my phone over and over and leave voicemails, really angry ones. She was the most controlling person I've ever met and loved nothing more than meddling in her sons lives and mine. Even buying clothes for me as gifts that she thought were more "appropriate" for me. I am 30 years of age like....

Some mothers just have this strange way about them and honestly it's really great that you get along with your bfs dad. At least that's something! Try less with her and force yourself to care less. I know its hard I really do, but you will train yourself to achieve this and you won't bother your arse with her. Best solution!

Sassenach

MeatTwoVeg wrote: »

I'd be less worried about the MIL - she could be easily ignored - and more worried that your partner seems like a total Mummy's Boy.

+1 He spent 2 hours on the phone listening to his mammy giving out? Sounds like nobody will ever be good enough for this lady and you need to decide how much more effort you're going to give to getting on her good side. Once you realise it may never happen the way you want you may feel the weight of trying to please her lift a bit.

banoffe2

Hi OP
My heart goes out to you; it is very emotionally draining trying to play charades, especially when we know we are powerless over how other people behave.

Being around that kind of toxic energy is emotionally draining even with the best confidence and self esteem in the World.
What concerns me is that your OH is willing to listen to another person undermining your behaviour etc for two hours on the phone; by doing that he is facilitating and enabling his mother to behave like this. People will have many different opinions, but the only ones who really understand what it is really like is those who have walked a mile in your shoes.

The reality is that his mother is part of the package, there is no point in denying that no matter what you do, she will have a negative impact on you and eventually this will spill over on to your relationship with your OH, she would only be too delighted if ye broke up. I agree that we don’t expect or need everyone to like us or get on with us; however I think it is important to have some kind of respectful and healthy relationship with the in laws.

I had a similar experience, sensed it from day one, anything I did was never right, always judged, criticised, he was his mother’s white haired boy, she would go as far as to put my ex OH meal on the table first and leave me wait till last! Bring small gifts for my ex OH and the children and nothing for me, one would want to be made of stone to ignore this, we always had a row after meeting with her, while she didn’t live near us she was a powerful influence on our relationship. I did everything in my power to make her feel welcome but nothing changed on her part, my ex OH got a great welcome from my family, I have to admit I was more than disappointed with the exchange rate!
To cut a long story short, there is a happy ending, I separated from my OH years ago, because of other problems, the MIL supported him fully in the break up, I broke all contact with her and didn’t attend her funeral, I don’t do hypocrisy, self respect is something I needed to work on and to stop the people pleasing in order to look for her approval, it was a useless waste of time and energy, easy to say this in hindsight.

Letting go of negative destructive relationships was probably one of the toughest and best decisions I ever made. Life is good today. Mind yourself OP and feel free to pm me. X

ShaShaBear

I feel for you, I really do OP. Have a very toxic MIL (or rather will in a fortnight when me and OH get married) and I bent over backwards doing everything to make her feel loved, welcomed and included. I am, however, very lucky that my OH was aware of how unreasonable she was being with me (rather than it being a constant dislike of me, it only surfaced once we booked the wedding, and came to a head 4 weeks ago when she realised it was definitely going ahead) so he was well able to tell her what's what.
He needs to see your side of this and completely stop pandering to his mother - unless of course he does in fact think you are being unreasonable and not her, in which case you both would need to sit down and work that out.

silverbolt

Rekop dog wrote: »

So your bf is 'telling' you to try harder, sounds a bit on the controlling side. If he cannot see that your efforts of going above and beyond to try appease his mother isn't already more than enough then maybe there's an issue there as well that needs addressing.

Controlling no? He is listening to his mother.

Typical irish mammys boy? Absolutely.

OP if youre planning on settling with this guy marriage, house, kids etc then frankly he needs to be told to cut the damn apron strings.

he's letting mammy run rough shod over you. She may not like you (no ones good enough for my boy) but he does. and he should be telling her to butt the hell out/

pookie82

Tbh he's the one who needs to cop on at this stage. Why on EARTH do people have their nosy parents in a position to view their facebook pages? The majority of them are simply not going to "get" the humour you or he might intend and instead will worry the neighbours will spot it and take jokes literally. Tell him to block her from seeing anything he puts up or is tagged in, it's easily done without unfriending the person. You just customise your audience and add her name to a list he doesn't want seeing his timeline, apart from designated public photos.

Goes without saying after the third whinge about what's up there, she'd be getting properly ring fenced from any social media if it was up to me.

Heat_Wave

Hi OP, my ex boyfriend's mum couldn't stand me, for whatever reason I'll never know. I cared at the time, but I couldn't give a fiddlers now.

I tried everything to gain her respect and love. Every time I called over I brought homemade bread, homemade doughnuts, cakes etc. She wouldn't even try them in my presence, then my ex would tell me that she gobbled them all up when I left. Pathetic really.

My ex was oblivious to this behaviour. He used to tell me things she'd say like 'I don't know what to make of your girlfriend', 'she comes out with some odd one liners doesn't she?', bizarre comments.

People here are saying to ignore her and not care about her comments, but tbh, those comments can influence her son's perception of you. Mothers can be very dangerous at times. I genuinely believe that my ex's mother had a huge impact on how he viewed me. As I said, I don't care now because his whole family were so toxic, but at the time it was exceptionally tough to take.

You really need to discuss this in depth with your boyfriend.

Saysay19

OP I feel for you I really do!

I'm with my partner 15 years, always Felt MIL didn't like me but never did anything, I just got a feeling.

Our child was born 3 years ago and that's when the snide remarks started. I let her get to me and felt horrible anytime we left their house. We got engaged earlier this year and on the night she made a pretty nasty remark that no one else heard. I took her up on it whereby a few relatives heard that, and she nearly died. Ever since I don't give a fiddlers what she thinks and my partner has said to me it's the best thing I've ever done.

No matter what you do she will never be happy. Why make yourself miserable trying to please someone who never will appreciate you. I pity your partner, but hopefully he sees clearly soon X

TheAnalyst_

She sounds an idiot that you will never win over. Antagononise her discreetly for your own amusement.