Resurfacing heartbreak

bones123

Hi all, I have a problem at the moment. I was in a relationship from the age 19-26 with a man, he cheated on me(an affair, not once off ), we got over it, fast forward a few months and the girl discovers she's 5 months pregnant. We muddle along together but it's hard to deal with it as he is very involved with her, shopping every second weekend for baby etc. The child is born, which I meet and he takes him at weekends. I then go travelling for a few months which had always been the plan and we stay in touch daily. I heard back from people that he was seen out walking with the girl and their child etc during this time. I come home and we meet up, he wants us to live together, we meet up several times but then I see them driving together and I decide I just can't deal with the lack of trust. We still stay in touch and break contact totally a month or two later. Fast forward 6 months and he is engaged to this girl and they've bought a house together. He then gets onto me to meet him, that he loves me, dreams of me etc, I say no, even though I wanted to, but I felt I couldn't be drawn in again. That was 2 years ago, they married and have since had another baby. I, on the other hand moved house and unbeknownst to myself moved around the corner from them. I live with friends and am unable to move for the next year due to financial reasons among others. I now see them constantly, in the green outside my house, walking past, I see them at least once a day. It's breaking my heart, that although I know I couldn't have trusted this man, it galls me that he's so happy and together in his life, whereas I'm hitting 30 and renting with friends. I'm jealous of her that she has won as such. I don't know what advice I'm looking for but I need something to help me get over all of this. Thanks in advance.

MeatTwoVeg

She hasn't 'won'.
She's ended up with a cheater. He cheated on you with her and tried to do the opposite with you.
You actually won because you found this out about him before you got married and had kids with him.

You're still young. Plenty of time to find someone who'll treat you with respect.
It's not ideal having to live right next to them, but if there's nothing you can actually do about this, you'll just have to try your best to ignore them.

Mr. Incognito

Move. Take whatever financial hit you have to take.

You are using the financing as an excuse to see him.

Just get the hell out of there

bones123

Certainly not, for the first while I never saw them and I paid no heed to them, for some reason now, they're out and about all the time. I am building a house, it will be done in less than a year, financially rent is cheap here, I'm not interested in renting a marginally cheaper room in a house with strangers. I also don't want to give him.the satisfaction that he'd driven me out of my home.

Aimeee

Was going the say exactly what Meatandtwoveg said. You have actually won here. You found out in good time what he was like and made the right choice. He wasn't the right one for you. You have to change your mindset here. Imagine she may always be thinking he'd be with you if it wasn't for the children. Who knows. He made his choice.
Yes it's unfortunate you see them everyday now. That is hard. You have to make him unimportant in your life. Stop giving the past the air (or energy) to stay alive. It will drive you mad.
Change your mindset. He lost you. You did not lose him. You freed yourself. Well done. Many wouldn't have been able to and might regret it years on.

BetsyEllen

OK look at this another way...in a year or 2, when he cheats on her which he is likely to do, she will think of you and envy you.

The one that was smart enough to walk away, that built her own house and relies on herself, is not tied to an ar$ehole, is young free and single to do as she pleases.

Whereas she will now always be tied to him and never be able to completely walk away because of the kids.

bones123

I suppose you're right, I just feel he has changed for her and that's what upsets me. They're constantly together so I don't think he'd even have the chance to cheat. Though I know he was on Tinder after I cut him off completely, that was just before they bought their house. It's a small enough town and I guess I just hate having to be aware of them. If I go to the supermarket and one of their cars is there, I'll come back later instead. This is what I feel I need to change. I know i should be able to walk around with my head held high because I eventually dumped him but people have short memories and just think they're a lovely little family.

StanleyOllie

Maybe they are out showing this united front because she is worried about your presence so close by. It cant be easy for his wife either. Im sure she thinks that he could have stayed with you if you decided not to go away traveling and then breaking contact. Always 2 sides to a story. As the others said... you escaped. You will have your own home. As the winter months come in you wont see them about as much. By the time summer and long evenings come again your new home will hopefully be finished and you can move on.

bones123

Though this is possible,it's unlikely, she's quite brazen really, always beaming when she sees me, and she was fully aware he was seeing someone when they were having an affair. I would love to tell her about how things really were with regard to him contacting me, but I never have, nor will i. I wouldn't stoop that low. The night they had the first child he wanted to come straight into me after coming home from the hospital but I refused him. I also know he went to counselling after we ended completely and was taking medication. Maybe that's something I should consider doing myself.

Tigger99

You are comparing your insides to their outside appearance. You have no idea what their relationship is actually like. It's deeply unhealthy that you delay coming back home if you see their cars. I'd take living with strangers over that any day.

And if he's hit on you while with her then of course he hasn't changed, just hiding it better.

bones123

No I reschedule supermarket shopping if u see them there. I have no problem coming home. And yes, you may be right, noone knows what happens behind closed doors I guess.

Aimeee

bones123 wrote: »

I suppose you're right, I just feel he has changed for her and that's what upsets me. They're constantly together so I don't think he'd even have the chance to cheat. Though I know he was on Tinder after I cut him off completely, that was just before they bought their house. It's a small enough town and I guess I just hate having to be aware of them. If I go to the supermarket and one of their cars is there, I'll come back later instead. This is what I feel I need to change. I know i should be able to walk around with my head held high because I eventually dumped him but people have short memories and just think they're a lovely little family.

In a small town yes it is harder. And I totally understand you driving away if you see one of their cars in supermarket etc. First of all what harm if you do this. Whatever gets you through is my thinking there. I've been in a situation (friendship not relationship like yours) where i was doing this. It was driving me mad and it was actually myself i was angry with for letting it get to me/stopping me doing things. I just stopped being mad at myself and eventually (and i mean eventually- not for a good while) was my head in the space where it didn't matter. I do still have moments where I avoid but in a small town you eventually cannot avoid every situation. I had to change how i saw the situation. And I know what you mean re people's memories being short. Really what that means is that they're not that bothered. People have enough of their own stuff going on. Only a handful will remember & I'd say you could nearly name those people now. Years after my situation there were only two people who ever brought it up and (had the cheek)asked whatever happened blah blah...Those people are so insignificant to my daily life that it was just a passing moment nothing more. Stop punishing yourself. Do you really think he changed for her? Maybe that's how it seems to you but as has been said there is another few stories there that you may never know about.
Focus on your housebuild. Exciting project and the indepenence you have. Never to be underestimated! Good luck.

batmanrobin

Did you post about this before, OP? The living around the corner from them bit sounds very familiar.

It's difficult when you're running the risk of seeing them a lot. However, what might help is just to keep reminding yourself that this man is an absolute tool. Look at his actions, they way he treated you and they way he has treated his wife.

You got the lucky escape. She's stuck with a man who seems to only have married her because he got her pregnant. A man who would turn around to his ex and say the things he said to you.

Might be no harm to see a therapist. Even just occasionally to help you deal.

SusieBlue

She certainly didn't win. In fact, marrying someone who cheated on their long term partner, buying a house and having two kids in the space of 2 years with them rings major alarm bells and suggests severe insecurity on her part.

Agree with suggestion to do whatever you can to get out of there. Take out a loan if you have to. No one would blame you for feeling bitter over how you were treated but you'll have a much more positive mindset and be able to get over it far quicker if you don't have to see them. Move as quickly as you can.

Ursus Horribilis

Perhaps they're constantly together because she knows he's the cheating type and she doesn't want to let him out of his sight. Regardless, you're better off without him.

I also think you should move. Sharing with strangers doesn't have to be a bad experience. Living around the corner from them is far worse in my book.

Chocolate fiend

You are seeing exactly what he wants you to see. He wants you to see he is a family man, settled, living a good life with a wife and children, he wants you to think you missed out. He obviously has a bruised ego from you turning him down, he doesn't want you to see that it had any effect on him. He wants you to wish you were her.

You're not, you had a lucky escape.

Keane2baMused

I have seen this exact thread before. To the T.

OP are you re-posting about the same issue? Im not sure what more you can get out of the same thread.