Big decisions and concerns

LegacyUser

Hey all,

So regular poster elsewhere, but anon for this one and it'll be a long one so bear with me ..

So last night I had a long conversation with my long-term, long-distance GF about our future. The driver behind this is that she wants to do a course that includes a placement with a company over 2 years and by doing so she'll get a qualification and better employment prospects out if it - but it only really works if we move in together which is something we've talked about for years anyway, and as we have a child together it'd be good from that prospective too.

For me this would mean relocating to her part of the country but still working where I am now for the moment. I've tried to find a job down there but it's not easy and I haven't gotten past the interview stage. Against that though my current job is flexible with regards to hours and working from home, it's pretty senior, and I've already gotten buy-in from my managers. It'd mean a trek to work and 2 days in a B&B, but I'm OK with this as I'm thinking long-term I'll find something down there, and it'd allow us to be together so worth it.

My GF though (by her own admission) overthinks everything and worries about the worst-case scenario a LOT - partly about what we'd do if she didn't pass the exams, but more about what if we didn't get on as we've never lived together before, and never had more than a few consecutive days together at a time.
Me I've lived with a girl and child before (wasn't mine but I treated them as my own) and while that relationship ended for different reasons, I'm under no illusions that my "single man" lifestyle would quickly come to an end... but again, all worthwhile as I see it, and indeed welcome as I spend my weekday evenings on my own and it gets lonely after a while.

As we talked though, and as I thought about it afterwards, I think the problem is more fundamental.. she loves me, I love her, but as she let it all pour out (she also has a habit of bottling everything up and then letting it all out at once) I'm concerned about WHY she wants to do it.
She wants the best for our child (as do I for that matter) and she says she wants this/us... but from talking to her I seem to irritate the fook out of her in what she says are little ways and she worries about giving up the little "space" she has after she finally gets him to bed at night - and one of the more worrying (and I say that because I'd hate to ever think I was pressuring her) being that she often "gives in" when I'd initiate something more intimate than a cuddle rather than wanting it as well.. and even then it happens rarely enough now.

She worries that my mindset hasn't changed to "child before everything" to the same extent as hers has which she says is because I haven't had to because of the living arrangements whereas, as she put it, everything she does from day-to-day activities like getting dressed to something like this is being framed in the concept of what's best for him. In short she says she's a completely different person since he came along.

And that may be it.. I fell for her because we had endless conversations every day, could talk about anything, had a great laugh together and yes, sex was a part of that too. I'm not selfish or naive to have thought that that would all continue unaffected when we had a child but it seems it went from all that to practically zero - and even now that he's about to start school she says there'd still be no real time for us (we haven't been out together in over a year), but again I figured that over time, and especially if were living together, most of that would come back but now I'm thinking that she doesn't actually miss "us" that much at all. I walked in the door yesterday having not seen each other in 2 weeks and not even a hug.

I want to do this because I want to support her in what she want to do, want to be there more with our child, but also for "us", but I don't want to live in a house-share with a good friend or resign myself to a pretty much platonic relationship. It's not even about sex, but I miss the intimacy of just curling up together and it rarely happens anymore and apparently only if I (unintentionally) pester her into it (which actually makes me feel awful).

In short I don't know what to do now but moving in/staying with someone for the sake of benefiting a child isn't a good enough reason and yet I do think that she's overthinking it and once we get a routine established it'd probably be fine (from my own experiences), but like I say I'm now more worried about her reasons for doing it in the first place now and that 6 months down the line her predictions would have come true.

But if I back out she can't do the course, can't move from her current job or circumstances and nothing will change otherwise - I'll still effectively be a weekend dad - except that from the stuff that came out last night, I think she'll end up resenting me anyway. Time is of the essence as well as if she gets an offer this would all need to happen pretty quickly.

I could ramble on but hopefully that gives ye the gist of the problem. What do ye think?

silverharp

as that old lad would say when you ask for direction, "well I wouldn't start from here!" she seems to have a mindset that its her child and she will fit you in if its suits her. it seems like you are being interviewed for the roll of step dad.

Mr. Incognito

I think you need to have a few more chats.

Your position; Can't really find work. Not sure if I'd like the living arrangments as love her but not getting any attention

Her position; Baby comes first. Why doesnt he put the child first.

I have more sympathy for her position by the way. You are looking at it from YOUR perspective. She is looking at it from the Family perspective. You can either suit yourself or suit your family.

rainbowtrout

I don't think the issue is whether or not you should give up your job and move in with your girlfriend. I'd want to sort out the relationship issues first.

You said that your child is about to start school, which would mean they are 4-5 years old and that your sex life has been practically zero since he was born and for any intimacy you have to pester her. You haven't gone on a date in over a year. Your girlfriend has indicated that she might be a little put out by you encroaching on her space in the evenings after the child has gone to bed. But you have great chats every day.

It sounds like if you move in that you are moving in with a friend and you just happen to have a child together. Granted you will always be part of this child's life, but what are you getting out of the relationship if there's no intimacy and you don't get as much as a hug when you haven't seen her in two weeks?

LegacyUser

I'm a mother to an almost 2 year old girl. I ferl like I'm only getting back to myself in the last few months. This is to do with a variety of factors but the main thing is that my partner and I have started acting as a team. Before we were very competitive as to who gets sleep ins etc. Now we acknowledge each other's help and don't get caught up in the mundane bickering. We have started going on dates again and generally having a laugh. This means all the morning day to day housework isn't building any resentment as we are working together. Our sex life has improved 100% also. Sounds like your partner has built up resentment over being the primary carer to your child and thinks you don't understand or acknowledge what has gone into that.

My advice if you move is to give it a good go, be a partnership, muck in with housework and your child, go on dates and try to get the fun back. Sounds like she's worn down with the daily grind. My partner didn't understand how this resentment eats into every area of my life as his brain didn't work like that.

Ms Doubtfire1

Has she ever lived with someone? She does sound a bit like myself- very set in her ways and routine and not willing to make much space for someone else.I would never ever share my space with someone - I'd get irritated like heck.
Is there a way you could do a trial? Like for maybe a month (you could take holidays?). I wouldn't be overly concerned about her course.It has to be right for both and if you end up doing it to enhance her future without getting anything back than I wouldn't go near it.

Glitter

OP I would take a long, hard look around this forum at the amount of (mostly) male posters trapped in sexless marriages post children.
Are you prepared to be one of them?

Because your (I don't really know what to call her, "partner" certainly doesn't seem apropos) the-mother-of-your-child is basically telling you that despite the child now being old enough to go to school (4-ish?) and there being enough time for her to go back to work she still basically doesn't think there'll be any time for sex/intimacy. That's a massive red flag!

Doesn't she want this side of things to get better? Or is she tacitly telling you that it won't, and that you just have to accept that?

Major, honest conversations are needed here. And as you say, time is of the essence!

I'm with my wife nearly 6 years and if I'm so much as away for one night with work we do be lepping all over each other for about ten minutes when I come back in the door. Yes, we're gross and soppy. But why not? Romance in relationships shouldn't have a shelf life.

December2012

If the child is four, does that mean you have never lived with your child? Why is that?

She is right that it will take a lot of adjusting. To dismiss it as overthinking is not right. It IS a big thing to move in together when there is a child involved. There are lots of changes coming, and you should be aware of them.

But face them, and meet them together.

daithi7

Glitter wrote: »

OP I would take a long, hard look around this forum at the amount of (mostly) male posters trapped in sexless marriages post children.
Are you prepared to be one of them?

Because your (I don't really know what to call her, "partner" certainly doesn't seem apropos) the-mother-of-your-child is basically telling you that despite the child now being old enough to go to school (4-ish?) and there being enough time for her to go back to work she still basically doesn't think there'll be any time for sex/intimacy. That's a massive red flag!

Doesn't she want this side of things to get better? Or is she tacitly telling you that it won't, and that you just have to accept that?

Major, honest conversations are needed here. And as you say, time is of the essence!

I'm with my wife nearly 6 years and if I'm so much as away for one night with work we do be lepping all over each other for about ten minutes when I come back in the door. Yes, we're gross and soppy. But why not? Romance in relationships shouldn't have a shelf life.

I bumped this reply cos I think he's bang on wrt this. There are a few major red flags in your relationship, no sex, partner feels she gives in to your need for intimacy (has she none??!), not out on a date for a year?, now you're radically changing your life and living circumstances so she can do some course and work placement, yet you have a senior job elsewhere.....

Hmmm, It all seems to be about her, and her child,tbh. What about your needs. She even is resenting the bit of time she might have to give you after the child goes to bed.... Hello, wtf!?

As you say she may be overthinking things a bit, and this is coming out wrong, otherwise ye are in trouble imho. Time for some very frank discussions w with her about you, your needs, her, her needs and your family together and how this will work (not how it won't), if she can't buy into this in a big committed way, walk away.

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

So it's been several months, but I thought I'd update this...

Since my OP, things haven't really improved - quite the opposite - so I guess at this stage my question is "are we done?"

Firstly, to answer some of the above (and thanks to those who did for replying).

No we've never lived together. I was/am working in Dublin and she's down the country and wasn't working at the time as she was finishing up in college. We weren't dating properly/seriously for long though we did have plans to move in together before we discovered she was pregnant, but that pretty much changed everything (naturally enough!)

She felt that she'd need the support of her family which was/is fair enough as both my parents are dead and I'd have been in work all day. She also was/is adamant that she won't be moving at any stage. All her family are within 20 minutes of her and she's not going to give that up. I don't even mind that so much as I don't really have any ties beyond the 2 of them anyway - though I feel like I come last most of the time to be honest.

Also remember that at the time 5/6 years ago jobs were still scarce and mainly in Dublin so me giving up an income we both needed more than ever (the job and location I'd give up tomorrow if I could) wasn't an option. While I've been trying to find something since and have gotten to several last round interviews even in the last few months, as yet I've not been able to close the deal and it's not helped by the low number of equivalent jobs to my own in her area - they are there but harder to come by and that's despite me trying to widen the net without getting the "overqualified" or "no/not enough sector experience" rejections - so instead I try to be there as much as I can at the weekend, holidays etc or whenever something comes up.

Anyway... since my last post things have deteriorated somewhat. On a day to day we get on fine for the most part although we barely talk/text anymore during the week when I'm away either (and I GET that that's because she's constantly occupied with our child.. but even when she's not, I don't hear from her most of the time), but the last few weeks have seen long chats about our future.

From her side she feels constantly worn out and under pressure with minding our child and (as she says herself) overthinking/stressing/worrying about everything - which she then perversely says is how she likes it too. It's how she's always been she says, and me asking if she's OK if she's quiet is getting to her now too.

She loves me she says (but couldn't answer if that still included being IN love with me.. although by that stage the discussion had gotten a bit heated anyway) but she's insistent that the only way it'll work is if I relocate. Again I've no problem with this idea and am trying to find something down her way, but one thing that did come out of the most recent chats is that even if I DO find something, she thinks I may have "unrealistic expectations" about how it'd change things - especially between us.

She basically feels that me being there every day would help insofar that it'd hopefully give her a bit of a break and some time for herself but that she wouldn't see much if any time for "us" - at least not anytime soon. From my perspective, I've no issue whatsoever with the former part, as I realise (even if I may not fully understand it as I'm not doing it every day) how much effort she has to put in with our child.

It's the latter part I have a problem with - and I don't just mean sex.. although that hasn't happened for nearly 6 months now and she announced last night that the last time it did, it was apparently because she "gave in" (which REALLY made me feel good of course!). From her side she doesn't think about that at all anymore, and she thinks that most couples have no time for each other once kids come along and that this is pretty normal. The last thing she wants after a long day of being climbed on, jumped on, pulled out of and so on by a toddler is "more of it".

I'm certainly under no illusions that things change dramatically when kids enter the mix, and I have no notions about us having cuddles and sex every night after we get the child to bed, but am I so wrong to think that "us" time (whether it's a cuddle and kiss, or a night out together sometimes, or yes more intimate times) should be in there somewhere too? And no, I don't think there's someone else .. she just seems to have no time/interest if I'm hearing her right.

Basically she says that there is no "us" as I would see it and again, she thinks this isn't unusual, and pretty much not to expect it in the medium/long? term.
From my side I feel what's the point in being in a relationship with someone if there IS no "two of you" sometimes. Don't misunderstand, our child will always come first for both of us, but I don't see why it's so wrong to want more than us just being parents sometimes too.

I could go on, but that's pretty much it. If I want to be with her I have to be willing to accept the above and while I've no issue whatsoever with changing jobs, moving down and all that, I think it'd be to be his parent rather than a family.

I want the 3 of us - including "me and her" and I'm starting to really wonder if there's any point any more if that's so wrong of me. Whatever about the rest, I don't particularly want to live in an intimacy (and again I'm not just talking about sex) free environment for the next 10/15 years. I do love her and I miss her, and I think of her not just as the mother of my child but as someone I want/fancy as well.

Or am I completely unrealistic and unfair and this IS normal life with a toddler - that any sense of "couple" goes out the window during those years. I know it can and does happen, but is it now what people SHOULD expect? Or is it maybe that really we weren't close enough to begin with?

I think I know what the answers here will say already but any genuine thoughts appreciated.

Dial Hard

I'm sorry, OP, but I think your relationship - if you could even call it that - is dead in the water and has been for a long time. By your own admission you've never spent more than a few consecutive days together at a time and on top of that, your "partner" has already told you that there won't be anything approaching your idea of a relationship even if you did relocate.

I think you need to let go of the idea that you and this woman are ever going to be together properly and start making plans as to how you can both be the best possible parents to your child, but separately.

It sounds as if you've bent over backwards trying to make this work but that she doesn't actually see you as being in a relationship, but just hasn't got the guts to tell you.

Idle Passerby

I think the poster who pointed out she may be too exhausted with being the sole caregiver to be interested in intimacy.

Without knowing either of you, it sounds like you probably do have unrealistic expectations about moving in and suddenly being all couply. For your entire realtionship you've been living elsewhere while she's been parenting. I would say she wants an equal partner to parent and run a house more than she wants someone to smooch with in the evenings.

Her desire might come back once the pressure of effectively being a single parent is taken off her shoulders. She sees you moving in as necessary because she's keeping the boat afloat all week and when you arrive you want romance whereas it sounds like she needs someone to support her. You are entitled to expect intimacy but she seems to see it as another demand on her. You being there would ease that pressure surely.

I don't think you should give up on the relationship without trying to fix it first so move in and help her raise your child and then see if she has indeed lost all interest in intimacy. Bailing on the relationship without ever trying to live as a family seems very premature.

GritBiscuit

OP Again wrote: »

The last thing she wants after a long day of being climbed on, jumped on, pulled out of and so on by a toddler is "more of it".

This jumped out at me. The child is just about to head to school. The days of toddlerhood and the constant unruly behaviour that went with that should have ended years ago....she sounds to me - and I have two kids very close in age so I do have first-hand experience with the workload involved - like she's using the child as both a barrier to intimacy and a bargaining chip to get you to do her bidding.

I'd be of the belief that relationships can survive without a lot of things that might be considered the norm - as long as both parties have enthusiasm to make it work...and I'm not seeing a lot of enthusiasm here. Sounds like you are on completely different pages with regards to most things. Keep talking - try to get some kid-free face-to-face time and both lay your cards on the table. Either way, you need a future plan and some sort of closure to this up-in-the-air situation you have both been drifting along in.

All the best

ibarelycare

I think your partner has been clear with you that if you move down to her, you'll be there in the capacity as a father to your child, a companion, someone to ease her stress. The relationship that you've been hoping for is long gone unfortunately.

afkasurfjunkie

It sounds like she is essentially living the life of a single parent anyway.

daithi7

ibarelycare wrote: »

I think your partner has been clear with you that if you move down to her, you'll be there in the capacity as a father to your child, a companion, someone to ease her stress. The relationship that you've been hoping for is long gone unfortunately.

I think you'll have to decide if this type of relationship will be enough for you going forward.

Fwiw, and from what you've posted here, I dint think it is. otherwise you're hoping that your partner's attitude will (miraculously) change when you move in/back. I think this is highly unlikely tbh, she's said this herself and you've been with each other long enough to know differently at this stage.

I think your relationship with this woman as an 'us', is over, sorry, she's made that pretty clear. If I were you, I'd be facing up to this reality now and try to make the best plans and provisions to be a part of your child's life going forward and get with your life otherwise. You& she are over.

Bambi985

You both need to p!ss or get off the pot. Move in together or break up. You've been hmming and hawing about it for long enough and it's got you here, months later, stagnant and going nowhere as a couple.

She's worn out from raising a young child on her own most of the time and putting his needs first while you're worn out from an emotionally and sexually unavailable partner. It's caused resentment on both sides, which is probably playing into her lack of sexual attraction towards you and your unwillingness to take the gamble and move in.

Time for you both to sit down and get real about things. Drive down, sit face to face and don't leave the room until a decision has been made. What needs to change to foster intimacy in the relationship and is she willing to take those steps? Or is she simply not attracted to you and not in love with you at this stage? If the latter - leave and make custodial arrangements. If the former - do those things. Set a date to move in and book the couples counsellor.

Moving in with a partner will always be a culture shock. And it comes with an adjustment period where you're both uncomfortable and struggling to deal with each other's habits and ways. But if the relationship matters, you do it. It's how you move forward. And you get through that phase and both compromise to make each other happy because you love each other. Which involves her making an effort to be more intimate with you and you taking on childcare duties to ease the burden on her.

groovyg

Op I don't see any semblance of a relationship here, the only connection you have with this woman is the child you have together. I don't think she can be any more blunt but she has pretty much told there is no relationship between you and her.

She said there is no "us", she "gave in" the last time you guys were intimate, she loves you but not sure she is not in love with you! What does that mean..that you make a good dad, good provider but intimately and emotionally you don't really tick the boxes for her. I'm surprised you can even see a future here, is your self esteem not on the floor?
For your own sanity you need to move on accept the relationship is over. I think the best thing to do would be to apply for guardianship if you haven't done so already and look at setting up a formal joint custody arrangement.

LegacyUser

You need to move on from the mother of your child.

She gave in the last time you were intimate with her. She would be glad of your help with the child but has as much as said to you I won't be intimate with you.

My advice to you is to tell her that you have decided to stay in Dublin. I would apply for guardianship and you put formal joint custody arrangements in place.
You have given her enough time and space to decide what she wants.

At this stage you deserve better than this. You deserve to find someone who thinks your a decent guy and who wants to be with you.
It not plesent to be in a position where you want a proper realtionship and a future with someone and they are blowing hot and cold with you. You hope given some time they will change their minds, make some effort or see what you can offer them long term.
I was in a position like this a few years ago with a man and it made me look at and realise that a few things had to change in my life. I sorted out a few things and I made some changes. I won't say life is perfect but it is improving.
I recently heard a few things about this man. He has made some very poor decisions and I was lucky not to be involved with him.

afkasurfjunkie

afkasurfjunkie wrote: »

It sounds like she is essentially living the life of a single parent anyway.

And is worried that adding you to the mix (as well as her new course and job) will add to her load rather than ease it.

NotSureWhatToDo wrote: »

she wants to do a course that includes a placement with a company over 2 years and by doing so she'll get a qualification and better employment prospects out if it - but it only really works if we move in together

Why? Has she been at home with the child for the past 4 years and needs to co-parent now that she wants to get a job?

If this is the "only" reason why you're at this junction now, I think you have your answer.

Honestly, it's the oddest "relationship" I've ever heard of ... together 5/6 years with a child but long distance the whole time. I don't think either of you have a clue of how dramatically living together will change things. And is sounds like the ideal time to try it has passed you both by.