A long post regarding a man in quiet dismay

lastidealist

Hello personal issues forum,
after browsing through some recent posts,I confess to feeling rather egotistical in highlighting my own relatively inconsequential issues but I hope that you will indulge me.

I am a male in my late 20s, living in a rural town 2 hours bus from Dublin. It is with unease that I confess to the online arena that I have never been in a relationship.

I attribute this to feelings cultivated by the sad fact that my father was a horrific alcoholic. And I mean horrific. He died over a decade ago leaving me to care for my outstanding mother

I have of course attended counselling but regret to say that I have consistently found the services available somewhat prosaic and frankly inadequate.( I mean no disrespect to those dedicated souls who struggle within the Cinderella - like mental health system.)

I have never been in employment. I finished secondary school just as the Celtic Tiger went extinct and in any regard felt unable and unwilling to proceed to third level given that i effectively grew up without a childhood. Additionally, going to school would necessitate leaving my mother somewhat isolated while placing insurmountable strain on modest family finances - the student grant scheme, while useful, was insufficient.

A few years ago, having saved up, I gained acceptance into a course in a Dublin University. It was a dream come true. I lasted a month. I felt wholly out of place and found myself totally unfulfilled. Socially, I attribute this, in part, to the fact that I do not drink alcohol and find the bar culture prevalent in Ireland repulsive ( which isn't to judge those who enjoy it - my life experiences preclude gaining anything from distress from that front). Academically, I was rather advanced due to to my passion for literature and found myself disengaged from the routine. I left after not eating for a week. ( a dietary quirk I do not recommend!)

This was followed by a "breakdown" which lead ( after a very lengthy wait) to a resumption in counselling. I grew to dread the psychologists appointments as the sessions seemed futile. I suffered panic attacks, insomnia, anxiety etc and these symptoms grew worse with each session. The treatment was killing the patient.

I quit therapy over a year ago. ( my self diagnosis, for all it's worth is PTSD due to childhood trauma) and my life has improved. My symptoms have been greatly mitigated through meditation and an excellent family support system but I feel that life is passing me by. The common advice in such cases is,of course, involvement in community groups. In my area all such organisations are irredeemably corrupt and incompetent, populated exclusively by self serving business interests many decades older than myself. Social life begins and ends at the bar counter. I travel to Dublin and such when possible but finance is limited and friends nonexistent.

Now that was a long post! As is obvious I am in a rut and deeply concerned about my "life path" . I am bloody lonely. I now ask you to offer some insight into this fiasco. I should point out that I am Emphatically NOT suicidal but merely in a position where I feel compelled to write this overlong, convoluted and self - absorbed mess at 2:18AM on a Friday night. I know that with a little help I can have a happy life.
Thank you for your time and all the best

Skibunny77

Hey Op,
First of all, I recommend reading Homecoming by John Bradshaw, it's a powerful read for people who grew up in households decimated by alcohol.
Outside of that, I suggest setting small goals. What do you want? A social circle? A sense of belonging/community? Your post about University was interesting - and familiar - many students of all ages find the first year of university daunting, isolating and challenging. Are your expectations too high? What if your goal had simply been to complete a each lecture/tutorial etc? Your judgements about local groups are also interesting - highly critical, without actual experience of participation. Of course local organisations can be rife with inefficiencies and politics, but there are generally many well meaning people in them too - who just like the rest of us are flawed. It seems as though there are self imposed barriers in place to prevent you from change - not liking bar culture /psychologists don't help/local groups are corrupt etc. To be part of a community, you need to accept it and live with in it, flaws and all. I'd encourage you to step outside of your comfort zone and ask yourself - what does my ideal life look like? What small step can I take to get closer to that image today?

YellowLead

First of all, I really sympathise with your situation. There is no magic fix and that's tough. You must be a really good person to stay home and look after your mother. I wonder would it be possible to give 3rd level another go, now that you know what caused you to leave last time. Most colleges have a mature students society that might be worth joining, usually they are not all about the drinking scene, you might have more in common with them. You say you were too advanced for the course, so maybe do more research to find one that would suit you better? And even if you are still too advanced, you would end up doing incredibly well which would be a asset for your cv. You say you are in a rural area 2 hours from Dublin, is there no bigger town closer? There may be better opportunities to volunteer there or to take a night course, wouldn't be a degree but it would get you out of the house meeting people. If you are still unemployed that is tough living in a rural area but maybe in a bigger town nearby you could get a part time job in a restaurant, shopping centre? It mightnt be your dream job but it's a start, it will help with your self esteem, put you in contact with more people and make you more attractive to women. How much care does your mother need? Do you have siblings who might be willing to contribute to a home help if you were to move out?

via4

I have to agree with you on counselling in Ireland not being the best and it kind of leaves you worse at times. I gave up as well still waiting on an appointment since last November. Iv learned to not put so much pressure on myself trying to please others and learning how to says no and being a little selfish.
I'm thinking of options for you. Is there any way you and your mother could move to a different larger town with more amenities for you? I feel your pain living so far from Dublin while the suggestions of meet up girl crew etc are great realistically the cost of travelling up and down to Dublin you can't do it every week.
You seem to be very intelligent could you do an online course to gain a qualification as this may save travel costs and having to mix with people that their lives are mostly about drinking. I do agree there is a huge drinking culture amount students I was one of them And I enjoyed it at the time but if you don't feel comfortable around that environment I think you made the right choice leaving the course if you weren't happy.
The thing is if you are looking to move forward in your life as hard as it sounds you are going to have to go out of your comfort zone a little. I have anxiety and I have had to push myself a lot this summer. Iv gone to things and I'm glad I did even though the night before I would be in bits. It's about pushing yourself little by little and you will get there.
I wouldn't worry about the relationship thing for now. So many people your age have never been in relationships as these days it is very hard to find genuine people. It's such a cliche but concentrate on yourself first and the rest will fall into place. You will need to try and look for hobbies that you would have never thought to do before and just go and see how you get on. You will eventually as I have found hobbies that I surprisingly love and it has improved my life immensely.
Good luck xxx

fits

How about art OP? It seems you could be that way inclined and it would be a way of meeting people. Dont know about where you are but there are lots of things in the south east.

Fakediamond

First of all, well done for your brave post reaching out for advice and support, it's not easy to discuss your personal struggles like that, even anonymously.

Consider a distance learning degree, I'd personally recommend the Open University. And you write beautifully, start a blog!

There's lots of like minded souls out there for you, it's a question of how you can connect with them. I agree with another poster that some of your strong opinions on community groups sound like a way of not pushing out of your comfort zone. Surely not all groups are like this! What about hill walking, bird watching, running clubs? Approach your local library about starting a literature appreciation society.

I'm sure you understand that it's not healthy to completely isolate yourself, especially at such a young age. Start with small steps, you might be surprised how likeable and supportive people can be, look at this forum for example, loads of empathetic people, also struggling to figure out how to live their best lives.

ivytwine

I agree that you write beautifully. I had to live at home for a year unemployed after college. I agree, there can be a lot of bull**** with clubs in Ireland. I used to meet up with four or five others in the local library most mornings to write. It was never formalised and we weren't a club as such, and it worked well for us. We even produced an anthology!

[edit] maybe you could put out the feelers and see if there's anyone else interested in writing or literature in the area?

I live in Dublin now and I think it might be somewhere to aim for eventually? As you get older, alcohol does get less important. Here you can go out 7 nights a week to some cultural event or another and drink isn't a factor.

ahnow

Hi op.
I had a tough childhood, not as tough as others, but it was still hard, sexual abuse of an alcoholic type thing. PTSD and crippling grief, anxiety, terror, devastation, self hate. All of it. My whole life as a result was never able to take off. I, like you kept trying to go to college and start building on my life, a nervous breakdown would happen and I'd have to defer the year. This happened about three or four times. It was a constant, exhausting struggle and I felt like that was it for me. It was isolating because I could only hold down a part time job, my friends from school and home town were moving on with their lives-seemingly as normal, able to build up their lives. And here was I still in the crisis. Always bouncing back to crisis and basic survival mode. It is no life.

I remember counting the amount of people I had gone to for help over the years, and it came to 23 people, at the age of only 24 years old that is how many people I had tried to get help from. Counsellors, psychiatrists, healers, doctors, and on and on and on.
You say you didn't want to enter third level education because you didn't have a childhood. The second part of the sentence is the key in all of this. This is what is holding you back. Have you as a family gone for counselling? You say your mother is outstanding which makes it sound like she had to put up with a lot too. Alcoholism in functions in a family as part of a particular system where everyone plays a role. But these roles can continue even after the alcoholic has gone, making true change more difficult within the family unit until you see and recognise these patterns and the role each of you have played in it.

You say you have gone for counselling and it was not right, prosaic and inadequate. Have you gone for private counselling? It can be inexpensive, some places even do it for €30. In long term issues like this different types of counselling are more useful than others. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in childhood issues like this in my personal experience are not as helpful as psychotherapy, because CBT only focuses on how to help you in the here and now. I mention this because public services often use CBT because it measures the increase/decrease of your symptoms so they can produce visible results that can be measured-but deep seated trauma can not be measured like this. It is a longer process with one step forward two steps back, for a while with slower improvements, and sometimes relapses.
You talking about not having your childhood speaks to me that you still need to grieve for this before you can move on, and I recommend finding a counsellor in some sort of psychotherapy who has experience with children and families that have come from alcoholism. And the depression and the symptoms do get worse the more you go at the start, that's how you know it is working.
In all the help I sought there were three people that really came through for me in it. Two were counsellers but It took me a while to click with the right one, I was still getting desperate PTSD symptoms but they were so gentle with me, they found a way not to push me until I was ready making the symptoms more manageable, but you have to do the hard work, you have to eventually worth through the really tough stuff before going out the other side. It has to be processed before you can move on from it, and it doesn't happen over night.

I would echo giving third level education another go-you have a passion for literature! There's plenty of students who go to college just to go-passion of the work doesn't come into it. It sounds like you could really be on to something with this! I went back three years ago after all the breakdowns and failed attempts and the years of counselling and working through all the ****e. I didn't do much drinking because my studies came first, and being hungover affected my performance. Social life in college can also mean joining clubs and societies, meeting people for coffee, organising surf weekends or anything else. You can still be a part of the social world without that element, and plenty of people are.
I went back and have shocked myself, I've just finished a really good degree, top 10% of my class and have gotten into my dream masters. I don't even recognise myself from the person before hiding in corners and self harming and dying from the terror of all that happened. But you need to give yourself a chance. Please give yourself a chance at the counselling. Overcoming a mess of a life can happen, and it will happen for you if you keep going and don't give up on yourself.

bonyn

Hi Op
You seem very intelligent. And that's not a complement. It's just a fact. Some of the unhappiest people have high IQs.

You've managed to criticise community groups, counselling and the typical Irish student's social life - and all the time aware that you're the one with the problem. That doesn't make you exempt from criticism. Being aware of a problem is only one small part on the way to solving it.

I'm 34 and believe it or not had so much criticism from my father over the years I often thought "ya know, if he just died when I was say 17 I would have been better off. I would have got the student grand. I wouldnt have had to put up with the criticism into adulthood".. yea, pretty immature.. yet here you are, in the opposite situation and still unhappy.

So some truths I've learned over the years that maybe will help you. In no particular order.

1. Counsellors are only people too. So have realistic expectations. They can explain why you feel a certain way. They can listen. They are great people to be held accountable to. I recommend changing your counsellor occasionlly. It can be helpful to view each 6-8 weeks as a course with something you wish to achieve during that time.

2. self-help reading can change your life. 2 books I'm currently reading are "The compassionate mind" by Paul Gilbert, and "The Tools" by stutz and michels. The first book - I think you'll love it. It's a psychology book that's written in a conversational style and is almost as much philosophy as it is psychology. The second book is a lot shorter and while fluffy in the science, what I like about it is it gives some simple exercises that can help face typical, difficult situations - unlike what you learn in counselling which is often better at explaining than helping you overcome problems.

3. You are not your mother's husband. She is not your lover. Sorry, but unless you're willing to sacrifice the next 40 years of your life you need to cut the apron strings. It may be difficult but you need to focus on yourself for the next 1-2 years and that will be taking the difficult decision to leave your mother on her own a little more than you'd like to.

4. Third level really, really sucks. As you found out, you are not dealing with the best and brightest minds. You're working with dumb students going out drinking, lecturers who only care about passing all their students in overcrowded classes and senseless, inadequate curriculums. It's a continuation of secondary school, and we all know how crap it was.

5. (and this is from chapter 1 of the book The Tools)..
You're in your comfort zone. As miserable as it sounds. You tried everything, so that explains why you are existing as you currently exist. Well, your comfort zone is an unfulfilling place, and there will come a time when you really realise your life is over.. maybe when you're 70, after a heart attack or bedridden.. as it is, you literally have your whole life ahead of you.

I think you need a job. How do Halfords, Tesco, Mace, KFC or Currys sound? If you turned up your nose, all the more reason to apply to one of those places. Surround yourself with workers your age, helping customers. And just basically doing someting productive everyday. Jobs like these aren't glamorous but at least they won't take over your life like a dull office job. And they'll still leave you with time in the evening toooo...

Do a rake of evening courses. The hobby ones, rather than the cert at the end. I'm out of work at present and I signed up for 4. Psychology. Spanish for improvers. Beginners swimming lessons. Bike maintenance. All areas that interest me for one reason or another, and the courses are once a week for 6 -10 weeks. Much better than every day of the week for 4 years. Been there, done that.

These little courses can help you meet other people with similar interests.

You said you're into literature.. are you involved in a reading club or something similar? Or do you at least have some friends or groups you can meet to discuss your interests?

That other bit of advice I'd give to you is to get yourself into a routine. Like, get up at 8. Bed by 11. Go for an hour-long walk twice a day. Eat healthy. Spend quality time with friends or family every day. And whatever you do be careful about spending excessive amounts of time online or on the couch.

lastidealist

Skibunny77 wrote: »

Hey Op,
First of all, I recommend reading Homecoming by John Bradshaw, it's a powerful read for people who grew up in households decimated by alcohol.
Outside of that, I suggest setting small goals. What do you want? A social circle? A sense of belonging/community? Your post about University was interesting - and familiar - many students of all ages find the first year of university daunting, isolating and challenging. Are your expectations too high? What if your goal had simply been to complete a each lecture/tutorial etc? Your judgements about local groups are also interesting - highly critical, without actual experience of participation. Of course local organisations can be rife with inefficiencies and politics, but there are generally many well meaning people in them too - who just like the rest of us are flawed. It seems as though there are self imposed barriers in place to prevent you from change - not liking bar culture /psychologists don't help/local groups are corrupt etc. To be part of a community, you need to accept it and live with in it, flaws and all. I'd encourage you to step outside of your comfort zone and ask yourself - what does my ideal life look like? What small step can I take to get closer to that image today?

Thank you so much for your time and advice.
The book is now in my amazon basket!
The core of your post seems to be to take a bulldozer to the walls of my comfort zone while setting relatively small, short term and achievable goals.
This is all incredibly valid.
If I might make the most trivial point regarding community groups: I've been involved and have the scars to prove it! Your are totally correct in that many genuine people wish to improve their community but in my experience self interest trumps the better angels of our nature. I find that distasteful ( although their is no criticism of you either explicit or implied in making that point).
I find it painful to accept my community, warts and all, as I'm sure you are aware many of are smaller towns can prove, for want of a better phrase, dismal. However you are right in that I should somehow find the good and embrace it.
Thank you.

lastidealist

YellowLead wrote: »

First of all, I really sympathise with your situation. There is no magic fix and that's tough. You must be a really good person to stay home and look after your mother. I wonder would it be possible to give 3rd level another go, now that you know what caused you to leave last time. Most colleges have a mature students society that might be worth joining, usually they are not all about the drinking scene, you might have more in common with them. You say you were too advanced for the course, so maybe do more research to find one that would suit you better? And even if you are still too advanced, you would end up doing incredibly well which would be a asset for your cv. You say you are in a rural area 2 hours from Dublin, is there no bigger town closer? There may be better opportunities to volunteer there or to take a night course, wouldn't be a degree but it would get you out of the house meeting people. If you are still unemployed that is tough living in a rural area but maybe in a bigger town nearby you could get a part time job in a restaurant, shopping centre? It mightnt be your dream job but it's a start, it will help with your self esteem, put you in contact with more people and make you more attractive to women. How much care does your mother need? Do you have siblings who might be willing to contribute to a home help if you were to move out?

Firstly, thank you for the advice and also your time. To answer the various questions you raise:
My mother is a wonderful person but getting old. I feel guilty at the mere thought of leaving her alone - we have survived so much together and she is my only family member.
Regarding bigger towns, they exist but have issues of their own regarding crime/socio- economic status/ maladministration - but I don't mean to be overly critical . The closest " good" town in terms of culture/ heritage is Drogheda ( two buses away).
Your other query was in regard to my college: it was the law course in UCD. The whole experience was an expensive mistake in every sense. I must think deeply on your idea of returning in some capacity.
The core of your advice is rather beautiful in its common- sense practicality. I am now aware that I must take the initiative in this regard but it's a deeply scary thought. I can't afford to fail again.
Thank you.

lastidealist

via4 wrote: »

I have to agree with you on counselling in Ireland not being the best and it kind of leaves you worse at times. I gave up as well still waiting on an appointment since last November. Iv learned to not put so much pressure on myself trying to please others and learning how to says no and being a little selfish.
I'm thinking of options for you. Is there any way you and your mother could move to a different larger town with more amenities for you? I feel your pain living so far from Dublin while the suggestions of meet up girl crew etc are great realistically the cost of travelling up and down to Dublin you can't do it every week.
You seem to be very intelligent could you do an online course to gain a qualification as this may save travel costs and having to mix with people that their lives are mostly about drinking. I do agree there is a huge drinking culture amount students I was one of them And I enjoyed it at the time but if you don't feel comfortable around that environment I think you made the right choice leaving the course if you weren't happy.
The thing is if you are looking to move forward in your life as hard as it sounds you are going to have to go out of your comfort zone a little. I have anxiety and I have had to push myself a lot this summer. Iv gone to things and I'm glad I did even though the night before I would be in bits. It's about pushing yourself little by little and you will get there.
I wouldn't worry about the relationship thing for now. So many people your age have never been in relationships as these days it is very hard to find genuine people. It's such a cliche but concentrate on yourself first and the rest will fall into place. You will need to try and look for hobbies that you would have never thought to do before and just go and see how you get on. You will eventually as I have found hobbies that I surprisingly love and it has improved my life immensely.
Good luck xxx

Thank you for your time and clearly thoughtful advice.
Firstly, may I wish you every success in coping with your anxiety.
I agree that being somewhat selfish is a somewhat useful principal and, like yourself,I find that I'm my own worst critic.
You mention moving house : it's an extreme measure that's often tempted me but remains a medium - term option.
You also brought up online education: this is an excellent idea.
The core of your advice us to prioritise the simple pleasures through engaging in hobbies while leaving relationships to emerge when the infernal comfort zone is a distant memory - it is I who should praise your intelligence.
Thank you.

bonyn

lastidealist wrote: »

we have survived so much together and she is my only family member.
..
Regarding bigger towns, they exist but have issues of their own regarding crime/socio- economic status/ maladministration - but I don't mean to be overly critical
..
I can't afford to fail again.
Thank you.

First point.. your mother cannot help you. In fact, at this stage your dependence on each other is a unhealthy

Second.. towns are maladministered? What a weird thing to say.
You're not an idealist. You're a young man with an overly simplified version of right and wrong and therefore seemingly incapable of functioning in society. Stop looking at things in terms of black and white and expecting everything to live up to your ideals.

Third, re failure. You can afford to fail again and again and again. Eventually you might succeed. If not, at least you can be proud of your efforts. You cannot afford to stay in a tragic comfort zone.

Ps online courses can be very boring.

lastidealist

fits wrote: »

How about art OP? It seems you could be that way inclined and it would be a way of meeting people. Dont know about where you are but there are lots of things in the south east.

I love art! Although I'm no Monet, I've always appreciated many different mediums. Great pleasure can be found through such self-expression. Although I'm not in the south east, this is great advice. Thank you for your time and insight

lastidealist

Fakediamond wrote: »

First of all, well done for your brave post reaching out for advice and support, it's not easy to discuss your personal struggles like that, even anonymously.

Consider a distance learning degree, I'd personally recommend the Open University. And you write beautifully, start a blog!

There's lots of like minded souls out there for you, it's a question of how you can connect with them. I agree with another poster that some of your strong opinions on community groups sound like a way of not pushing out of your comfort zone. Surely not all groups are like this! What about hill walking, bird watching, running clubs? Approach your local library about starting a literature appreciation society.

I'm sure you understand that it's not healthy to completely isolate yourself, especially at such a young age. Start with small steps, you might be surprised how likeable and supportive people can be, look at this forum for example, loads of empathetic people, also struggling to figure out how to live their best lives.

Thank you for your time and emphatic advice.
Distance learning is a viable option - I'll explore that fully.
You are quite right regarding community groups - I'll have to learn to embrace them in some capacity.
A blog? - you can be my first subscriber ! I'll check out the blog creating sites once I've responded to everyone here.
Many thanks.

lastidealist

ivytwine wrote: »

I agree that you write beautifully. I had to live at home for a year unemployed after college. I agree, there can be a lot of bull**** with clubs in Ireland. I used to meet up with four or five others in the local library most mornings to write. It was never formalised and we weren't a club as such, and it worked well for us. We even produced an anthology!

[edit] maybe you could put out the feelers and see if there's anyone else interested in writing or literature in the area?

I live in Dublin now and I think it might be somewhere to aim for eventually? As you get older, alcohol does get less important. Here you can go out 7 nights a week to some cultural event or another and drink isn't a factor.

What a nice comment!
Well done with the anthology- I'm sure it's great. Writing as a hobby/ career is fascinating, as is the prospect of being in Dublin/ a major city. Its a goal to aim for.
Clubs on this little island are indeed rather curious in many cases but frankly something I'll have to adapt to, although it's heartening to note that there is life at the end if the tunnel regarding alcohol.
Thank you for your time and advice.

lastidealist

ahnow wrote: »

Hi op.
I had a tough childhood, not as tough as others, but it was still hard, sexual abuse of an alcoholic type thing. PTSD and crippling grief, anxiety, terror, devastation, self hate. All of it. My whole life as a result was never able to take off. I, like you kept trying to go to college and start building on my life, a nervous breakdown would happen and I'd have to defer the year. This happened about three or four times. It was a constant, exhausting struggle and I felt like that was it for me. It was isolating because I could only hold down a part time job, my friends from school and home town were moving on with their lives-seemingly as normal, able to build up their lives. And here was I still in the crisis. Always bouncing back to crisis and basic survival mode. It is no life.

I remember counting the amount of people I had gone to for help over the years, and it came to 23 people, at the age of only 24 years old that is how many people I had tried to get help from. Counsellors, psychiatrists, healers, doctors, and on and on and on.
You say you didn't want to enter third level education because you didn't have a childhood. The second part of the sentence is the key in all of this. This is what is holding you back. Have you as a family gone for counselling? You say your mother is outstanding which makes it sound like she had to put up with a lot too. Alcoholism in functions in a family as part of a particular system where everyone plays a role. But these roles can continue even after the alcoholic has gone, making true change more difficult within the family unit until you see and recognise these patterns and the role each of you have played in it.

You say you have gone for counselling and it was not right, prosaic and inadequate. Have you gone for private counselling? It can be inexpensive, some places even do it for €30. In long term issues like this different types of counselling are more useful than others. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in childhood issues like this in my personal experience are not as helpful as psychotherapy, because CBT only focuses on how to help you in the here and now. I mention this because public services often use CBT because it measures the increase/decrease of your symptoms so they can produce visible results that can be measured-but deep seated trauma can not be measured like this. It is a longer process with one step forward two steps back, for a while with slower improvements, and sometimes relapses.
You talking about not having your childhood speaks to me that you still need to grieve for this before you can move on, and I recommend finding a counsellor in some sort of psychotherapy who has experience with children and families that have come from alcoholism. And the depression and the symptoms do get worse the more you go at the start, that's how you know it is working.
In all the help I sought there were three people that really came through for me in it. Two were counsellers but It took me a while to click with the right one, I was still getting desperate PTSD symptoms but they were so gentle with me, they found a way not to push me until I was ready making the symptoms more manageable, but you have to do the hard work, you have to eventually worth through the really tough stuff before going out the other side. It has to be processed before you can move on from it, and it doesn't happen over night.

I would echo giving third level education another go-you have a passion for literature! There's plenty of students who go to college just to go-passion of the work doesn't come into it. It sounds like you could really be on to something with this! I went back three years ago after all the breakdowns and failed attempts and the years of counselling and working through all the ****e. I didn't do much drinking because my studies came first, and being hungover affected my performance. Social life in college can also mean joining clubs and societies, meeting people for coffee, organising surf weekends or anything else. You can still be a part of the social world without that element, and plenty of people are.
I went back and have shocked myself, I've just finished a really good degree, top 10% of my class and have gotten into my dream masters. I don't even recognise myself from the person before hiding in corners and self harming and dying from the terror of all that happened. But you need to give yourself a chance. Please give yourself a chance at the counselling. Overcoming a mess of a life can happen, and it will happen for you if you keep going and don't give up on yourself.

Your post is inspiring and profoundly wise.
I shall give great thought to your advice, particularly regarding counselling in some form.

Although is useful for many, I believe that it's clear that the primary benefit of CBT in our system is its relative cheapness to the state. This is troubling. Perhaps you have seen the excellent tv drama " in treatment"?which give a powerful fictionalised account of therapy done right.
On the basis of the responses I've addressed so far,some form of educational course is essential to my future. I'll have to decide and deal with it.

When you've finished your masters do us all a favour and write a book. I wish you every success in your future endeavours. Thank you.

zoobizoo

bonyn wrote: »

Second.. towns are maladministered? What a weird thing to say.
You're not an idealist. You're a young man with an overly simplified version of right and wrong and therefore seemingly incapable of functioning in society. Stop looking at things in terms of black and white and expecting everything to live up to your ideals.

Have to agree with this.

You're overly critical.

You come across as an idealistic young teenager. I was like that in my early 20s..... It doesn't help you get on with life.

You gave up a law degree in Dublin because of other people drinking or things you didn't like and you've landed back home to a small town with nothing going on.

You gave up.... What were the reasons other than the booze issue? Were there no college counselling services to avail of?

Your comments regarding towns and local organisations seem to come from opinion rather than fact and it's easy to criticise from outside if you have never been involved in community groups.

What have your counsellors said about your take on things?

lastidealist

bonyn wrote: »

Hi Op
You seem very intelligent. And that's not a complement. It's just a fact. Some of the unhappiest people have high IQs.

You've managed to criticise community groups, counselling and the typical Irish student's social life - and all the time aware that you're the one with the problem. That doesn't make you exempt from criticism. Being aware of a problem is only one small part on the way to solving it.

I'm 34 and believe it or not had so much criticism from my father over the years I often thought "ya know, if he just died when I was say 17 I would have been better off. I would have got the student grand. I wouldnt have had to put up with the criticism into adulthood".. yea, pretty immature.. yet here you are, in the opposite situation and still unhappy.

So some truths I've learned over the years that maybe will help you. In no particular order.

1. Counsellors are only people too. So have realistic expectations. They can explain why you feel a certain way. They can listen. They are great people to be held accountable to. I recommend changing your counsellor occasionlly. It can be helpful to view each 6-8 weeks as a course with something you wish to achieve during that time.

2. self-help reading can change your life. 2 books I'm currently reading are "The compassionate mind" by Paul Gilbert, and "The Tools" by stutz and michels. The first book - I think you'll love it. It's a psychology book that's written in a conversational style and is almost as much philosophy as it is psychology. The second book is a lot shorter and while fluffy in the science, what I like about it is it gives some simple exercises that can help face typical, difficult situations - unlike what you learn in counselling which is often better at explaining than helping you overcome problems.

3. You are not your mother's husband. She is not your lover. Sorry, but unless you're willing to sacrifice the next 40 years of your life you need to cut the apron strings. It may be difficult but you need to focus on yourself for the next 1-2 years and that will be taking the difficult decision to leave your mother on her own a little more than you'd like to.

4. Third level really, really sucks. As you found out, you are not dealing with the best and brightest minds. You're working with dumb students going out drinking, lecturers who only care about passing all their students in overcrowded classes and senseless, inadequate curriculums. It's a continuation of secondary school, and we all know how crap it was.

5. (and this is from chapter 1 of the book The Tools)..
You're in your comfort zone. As miserable as it sounds. You tried everything, so that explains why you are existing as you currently exist. Well, your comfort zone is an unfulfilling place, and there will come a time when you really realise your life is over.. maybe when you're 70, after a heart attack or bedridden.. as it is, you literally have your whole life ahead of you.

I think you need a job. How do Halfords, Tesco, Mace, KFC or Currys sound? If you turned up your nose, all the more reason to apply to one of those places. Surround yourself with workers your age, helping customers. And just basically doing someting productive everyday. Jobs like these aren't glamorous but at least they won't take over your life like a dull office job. And they'll still leave you with time in the evening toooo...

Do a rake of evening courses. The hobby ones, rather than the cert at the end. I'm out of work at present and I signed up for 4. Psychology. Spanish for improvers. Beginners swimming lessons. Bike maintenance. All areas that interest me for one reason or another, and the courses are once a week for 6 -10 weeks. Much better than every day of the week for 4 years. Been there, done that.

These little courses can help you meet other people with similar interests.

You said you're into literature.. are you involved in a reading club or something similar? Or do you at least have some friends or groups you can meet to discuss your interests?

That other bit of advice I'd give to you is to get yourself into a routine. Like, get up at 8. Bed by 11. Go for an hour-long walk twice a day. Eat healthy. Spend quality time with friends or family every day. And whatever you do be careful about spending excessive amounts of time online or on the couch.

Your very kind!
I hope you come to peace regarding your relationship with your father. Please understand that I don't mean to be a font of societal critique, I only wish to give an insight into my viewpoint. All if your points are engaging and thoroughly valid:
1 a return to counselling, though intimidating, seems prudent
2 someone else recommend a book earlier! Your suggestion will join that volume in my amazon basket.
3 a painful concept - but true.
4 I agree with you entirely. It's built up, almost brainwashed, in our society but often leads to disillusionment. I will need some sort of course in the near future though.
5 I hate my comfort zone! It's time to move on, many posters have said it and I gave to concede that they are all correct.

The only job where you start on top is hole- digging!

Part time, short courses are rare in my area but I can't let that limit me any more. You're right. Activities of that nature are very appealing. Although I love literature, film,drama, art etc I enjoy these persists solo - that has to change somehow.

Your last piece of advice is also quite smart indeed. My daily job should be to actively make myself happy.

Thank you for your detailed response, time and insight.

lastidealist

bonyn wrote: »

First point.. your mother cannot help you. In fact, at this stage your dependence on each other is a unhealthy

Second.. towns are maladministered? What a weird thing to say.
You're not an idealist. You're a young man with an overly simplified version of right and wrong and therefore seemingly incapable of functioning in society. Stop looking at things in terms of black and white and expecting everything to live up to your ideals.

Third, re failure. You can afford to fail again and again and again. Eventually you might succeed. If not, at least you can be proud of your efforts. You cannot afford to stay in a tragic comfort zone.

Ps online courses can be very boring.

Hello again!
Candid but valid advice once again - thank you.
1 I know. Family, at is best is a intrinsic, beautiful part if life. At its worst it's hell. There is a balance to be struck with my mother, I'm lucky to have her but I am aware that relationships can limit the participants as well as enhance. We both have to take stock.
2 Perhaps I've misunderstood you on this front but this may well be a point of ever so mild contention. I believe it's clear that Ireland suffers greatly from "background" corruption and manufactured public consent, this is anti- democratic and I will not compromise myself by being a silent partner to this disease manifesting itself in my small town. This precludes me from involvement in many of the more prominent local organisations but, as you and other posters have demonstrated,not all of them. I certainly don't mean to criticise you in the slightest, I'm sure this is a result of differing experiences or plain miscommunication. Of course, I take your point that I cant allow anything of this world weary cynicism ( dare I say bitterness) to hold me back.
3 Well that's good to hear! Your quite right yet again, it is better to have loved and lost....
Thank you sincerely for your candour, time and thoughts. I appreciate it.

lastidealist

zoobizoo wrote: »

Have to agree with this.

You're overly critical.

You come across as an idealistic young teenager. I was like that in my early 20s..... It doesn't help you get on with life.

You gave up a law degree in Dublin because of other people drinking or things you didn't like and you've landed back home to a small town with nothing going on.

You gave up.... What were the reasons other than the booze issue? Were there no college counselling services to avail of?

Your comments regarding towns and local organisations seem to come from opinion rather than fact and it's easy to criticise from outside if you have never been involved in community groups.

What have your counsellors said about your take on things?

Thank you for your comments, although I think we may have encountered a trivial issue of miscommunication.
At the very real risk if entering into the realm of politics, I ask if you would not take exception to the major events of the last decade or so ( corruption and incompetence leading to severe recession and a bailout). These traits, in my experience, pervade administration at a local level. That reaches my definition of maladministration. If I am naive or indeed disparaging in holding such a view then so be it (but I feel certain that this is a communication issue above all - I hope I've clarified it!). I now know that I can't allow this cynicism to bar my path.

My reasons for departing college were grave and multifaceted including social, financial and academic factors that could best be summonsed as feeling wholly and primally " out if place". I've rarely felt so consistently alone and hopeless.
Naturally, I attempted to receive help at college: I don't recommend it.

You are quite right in that people are far too eager to judge the perceived shortcomings of volunteers. This is not applicable in my case as I have a rather extensive track record of involvement, which, I regret, failed to contribute in any way to the improvement of my community. All legitimate efforts were hampered by special interests. As a result of advice in this thread I decided to look into purely social groups.

I hope that resolves the communication issues?

Thank you for your time!

lastidealist

I am touched and inspired by the response my rather pathetic outcry generated.
I can see that this forum is host to exceptionally empathetic and resilient people.
I now see that I must put on my best clothes and leave the comfort zone, this prison of my past.
I must seek some sort of education while converting solitary hobbies into group activities.
I have to come to peace with both myself and the past, counselling of some variety will be a necessary part of this process. ( a job wouldn't hurt either!)
In my fear if making another mistake I developed a fear if living.
There are no quick fixes - I wish there were. I won't be better today but I can start on the journey towards being better.
If anyone has further comments I would be delighted.
Thanks to each of you for caring.

Fakediamond

Hi again OP!

I admire the way you are taking the criticism in some posts so maturely, it would be easy to retreat or attack.

It's interesting to me that you attempted to study law. I have come across some judges/barristers in my working life and your style of communication reminds me of them! I wonder if you would consider giving it another shot, I suspect you would fit in very well in the Law Library, where your formal yet quirky style would be considered the norm! I know it's a long, hard and expensive road but as already said, conquered one step at a time. You would probably be a brilliant student if you could see past the many fools you'd have to contend with, who are only there because they got the points. You'll find there are like-minded people there too, if you give yourself time to find them.

To be honest, I can identify with a lot of what you say about living in a rural area. I'm much older than you and had my time in cities for many years so it's a little different from my current perspective. i have now discovered the joys of rural pursuits such as hill walking and bird watching. I also struggle to find people who have the same interests as me, but I find that people connect on many levels and you will find common ground with a bit of effort.

Do you have a car? This would give you freedom to attend events that interest you in Dublin. You could drive to the bus/train station and travel from there. All of the suggestions on this thread will take effort on your part, but will be worth it if it brings you towards a richer, more fulfilling life.

Open University have some courses starting in February (I think), it would be a start in getting back to third level. I loved doing my degree with them although I know it's not for everyone.

Best of luck with the journey!

lastidealist

Fakediamond wrote: »

Hi again OP!

I admire the way you are taking the criticism in some posts so maturely, it would be easy to retreat or attack.

It's interesting to me that you attempted to study law. I have come across some judges/barristers in my working life and your style of communication reminds me of them! I wonder if you would consider giving it another shot, I suspect you would fit in very well in the Law Library, where your formal yet quirky style would be considered the norm! I know it's a long, hard and expensive road but as already said, conquered one step at a time. You would probably be a brilliant student if you could see past the many fools you'd have to contend with, who are only there because they got the points. You'll find there are like-minded people there too, if you give yourself time to find them.

To be honest, I can identify with a lot of what you say about living in a rural area. I'm much older than you and had my time in cities for many years so it's a little different from my current perspective. i have now discovered the joys of rural pursuits such as hill walking and bird watching. I also struggle to find people who have the same interests as me, but I find that people connect on many levels and you will find common ground with a bit of effort.

Do you have a car? This would give you freedom to attend events that interest you in Dublin. You could drive to the bus/train station and travel from there. All of the suggestions on this thread will take effort on your part, but will be worth it if it brings you towards a richer, more fulfilling life.

Open University have some courses starting in February (I think), it would be a start in getting back to third level. I loved doing my degree with them although I know it's not for everyone.

Best of luck with the journey!

I must insist that you change your name to Realdiamond!
Criticism is like soil, you find it in most places and something can usually grow in it.
It was a longstanding dream to study law, the rather abrupt awakening I recieved is still a source if some stress but if I've learnt anything it's to never say never again!
Perhaps I'll find myself in that world ( or some similar environment)and be better equipped to tackle the mundane disappointments. It's certainly a life skill worth learning.
I am a dedicated pedestrian/bus user due to the obvious expenses of motoring ( which it must be said can limit independence to an extent). I'll have to address that in the medium term.

I can say, quite definitively that the journey is easier with people like you.
Many thanks and all the best.

Yellow pack crisps

You don't need clubs, education or any other external things to be a happy individual.

You seem to focus on what things might make you happy as opposed to what would make you happy.

When I read your posts I'm reminded of a young prominent letter writer called Stephen Patrick morrissey who would later form one of the most influential musical bands in history and go on to become an international iconic solo artist. A man much like yourself who had a very unhappy childhood and suffered from a mirage of issues but didn't let that get in the way of what he wanted to do. He was a public voice to the many of the mental health issues that are so prominently spoken about now but at the time were something not openly spoke about.

You have a fine way of articulating words and getting points across and THIS is your gift and your strength. But you are defeating yourself before you even begin. With everything in life the road to where you want yo go is paved by small steps and not overnight journeys.

Research and find what therapy and support you need and go get that help and regardless of what you think this country can be good for mental health resources and it can be a big help in you achieving the life you want but as much as those supports are there they are useless if you are defeated before you even begin.

YellowLead

Sometimes the best way to help ourselves is to help others - I really think volunteering in some capacity would do wonders for you, and the people benefiting from that. Unfortunately, we don't always like everything about the world around us, we may dislike much of it but there are always going to be like minded people out there, in your case they are just a little harder to find. I would agree with all of the comments about your writing abilities - there is definitely something to be pursued there. I reckon you could get a novel written within weeks - it may not be up to your standards, but I bet there would be many who would pour over it. And that can be done from your own home- without having to leave your mother.

lastidealist

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

You don't need clubs, education or any other external things to be a happy individual.

You seem to focus on what things might make you happy as opposed to what would make you happy.

When I read your posts I'm reminded of a young prominent letter writer called Stephen Patrick morrissey who would later form one of the most influential musical bands in history and go on to become an international iconic solo artist. A man much like yourself who had a very unhappy childhood and suffered from a mirage of issues but didn't let that get in the way of what he wanted to do. He was a public voice to the many of the mental health issues that are so prominently spoken about now but at the time were something not openly spoke about.

You have a fine way of articulating words and getting points across and THIS is your gift and your strength. But you are defeating yourself before you even begin. With everything in life the road to where you want yo go is paved by small steps and not overnight journeys.

Research and find what therapy and support you need and go get that help and regardless of what you think this country can be good for mental health resources and it can be a big help in you achieving the life you want but as much as those supports are there they are useless if you are defeated before you even begin.

So your saying I have to go from "Heaven knows I'm miserable now" to " There us a light that never goes out"!

People such as Morrissey stand as examples of the power if willpower, talent and dedication. His biography is a useful read for anyone in a crisis.

Your points, particularly regarding inner happiness and a positive outlook , are most insightful.

I'll try to follow your advice one small step at a time.

Many thanks for your kind words and time.

lastidealist

YellowLead wrote: »

Sometimes the best way to help ourselves is to help others - I really think volunteering in some capacity would do wonders for you, and the people benefiting from that. Unfortunately, we don't always like everything about the world around us, we may dislike much of it but there are always going to be like minded people out there, in your case they are just a little harder to find. I would agree with all of the comments about your writing abilities - there is definitely something to be pursued there. I reckon you could get a novel written within weeks - it may not be up to your standards, but I bet there would be many who would pour over it. And that can be done from your own home- without having to leave your mother.

Right. If you have the ability to help, you have a responsibility to help. Also, I must accept that although I cannot manipulate the fundamentals of human nature, I can change my response.
The wonderful encouragement I've received from you and several others regarding writing as a career- path/hobby is remarkably heartening and certainly a matter I now intend to pursue.
I just hope you don't want a cut of the profits!
Your time and kind advice is truly appreciated.

zoobizoo

lastidealist wrote: »

At the very real risk if entering into the realm of politics, I ask if you would not take exception to the major events of the last decade or so ( corruption and incompetence leading to severe recession and a bailout). These traits, in my experience, pervade administration at a local level. That reaches my definition of maladministration. If I am naive or indeed disparaging in holding such a view then so be it (but I feel certain that this is a communication issue above all - I hope I've clarified it!). I now know that I can't allow this cynicism to bar my path.

My reasons for departing college were grave and multifaceted including social, financial and academic factors that could best be summonsed as feeling wholly and primally " out if place". I've rarely felt so consistently alone and hopeless.
Naturally, I attempted to receive help at college: I don't recommend it.

You are quite right in that people are far too eager to judge the perceived shortcomings of volunteers. This is not applicable in my case as I have a rather extensive track record of involvement, which, I regret, failed to contribute in any way to the improvement of my community. All legitimate efforts were hampered by special interests.

!

It's like reading a post by Holden Caulfield..... but with a laboured use of synonyms.

Have you ever worked out why you feel out of place? Alone and hopeless...... Why? Colleges have counselling services..... Did yiu use them?

Apologies for sounding harsh but a lot of the replies here are telling you what you may want to hear.

Do you have any friends you can speak with?

And what do the counsellors you speak with say?

amtc

I've been reading this with a jaundiced eye...

On the one hand you can write (despite not knowing your from you're)...and obviously a deep thinker and principled.

On the other hand I see a life without fun. What do you really like to do? This doesn't have to be a social whirl. I remember having hysterical laughter flying a kite just because I could. Lighten up a bit. Get the wind in your hair, metaphorically.

I say this as someone with a First Class Honours degree and Masters who loves her books. My idea of pleasure is reading and writing and I work in the legal field. As a friend of mine said to me ' you like all that boring stuff' ....which I took as a compliment. I write really well factually... so my challenge was to learn to write creatively.

You cannot afford to judge. No man is an island. You need to learn to mix. This does not mean joining every society etc...it just means not looking down from an ivory tower. Try and laugh. In my case I even laugh at myself and my requirement to follow rules and regulations.

lastidealist

zoobizoo wrote: »

It's like reading a post by Holden Caulfield..... but with a laboured use of synonyms.

Have you ever worked out why you feel out of place? Alone and hopeless...... Why? Colleges have counselling services..... Did yiu use them?

Apologies for sounding harsh but a lot of the replies here are telling you what you may want to hear.

Do you have any friends you can speak with?

And what do the counsellors you speak with say?

I'm glad you mentioned Caulfield as he put it better than I ever could:
"I felt so lonesome, all of a sudden. I almost wished I was dead."
"I can't explain what I mean. And even if I could I'm not sure i'd feel like it "
( and just for fun: "if a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she's late?")
The beauty of Caulfield is his refusal to accept the prevailing consensus. Given human nature, if nine people agree on a matter then surely it is the duty of the tenth to offer an alternative viewpoint. The study of history would be far less depressing if this were the case. Perhaps you disagree. If so then it is merely a matter of conflict between our respective world- views. When has that ever stopped anyone!

To address your questions:
I imagine that I feel "out of place" due to a convergence of distressing and indeed traumatic life events which, like all such incidents, shaped me into the person I am today. To return to our mutual friend Caulfield, he too was subject to anguish which moulded him, for better or worse.

Before departing college I of course approached someone in a counselling position. I hope to attribute the service I received from that particular individual to a toxic mixture of stress and overwork.

Regarding speaking with friends, I believe that some matters are best confronted through a forum of anonymity with no vested interests or prejudices. Just like Boards.ie. In any event, the peer group I grew up alongside was of the generation most inclined to emigrate during the recent past. They have moved on.
Finally, you ask about the professional opinion of councillors. Having emerged through the frankly cruel waiting lists, I was forced to undertake a meandering tour of dreary offices from GPs to councillor to psychiatrist to consultant psychiatrist to psychologist to specialist psychologist. Each seemed determined to pass me along the obstacle course hierarchy. It did a great deal more harm than good.

Many thanks for your time and advice.

lastidealist

amtc wrote: »

I've been reading this with a jaundiced eye...

On the one hand you can write (despite not knowing your from you're)...and obviously a deep thinker and principled.

On the other hand I see a life without fun. What do you really like to do? This doesn't have to be a social whirl. I remember having hysterical laughter flying a kite just because I could. Lighten up a bit. Get the wind in your hair, metaphorically.

I say this as someone with a First Class Honours degree and Masters who loves her books. My idea of pleasure is reading and writing and I work in the legal field. As a friend of mine said to me ' you like all that boring stuff' ....which I took as a compliment. I write really well factually... so my challenge was to learn to write creatively.

You cannot afford to judge. No man is an island. You need to learn to mix. This does not mean joining every society etc...it just means not looking down from an ivory tower. Try and laugh. In my case I even laugh at myself and my requirement to follow rules and regulations.

Well seen and said- I know your from you're but I'm compelled to fight a losing battle against the autocorrect of the iPod I've been writing all of this on!
My passions are literature and film: the arts generally. You're ( see - I corrected it this time just for you!) quite right in that a good laugh can do more good to improve life than hours of self- reflection. I need to appreciate these small pleasures more.
I can report that my ivory tower was demolished a long time ago, having failed to comply with planing regulations. It is true that I must accept myself as a social being.
Thank you - keep on laughing and good luck!

zoobizoo

lastidealist wrote: »

..... from GPs to councillor to psychiatrist to consultant psychiatrist to psychologist to specialist psychologist. Each seemed determined to pass me . .

And what was said to you at the visits to these people beforw they passed you along? They must have offered some perspective

Friends might give you insight into your issues as they know you well. Do you have any close friends?

lastidealist

zoobizoo wrote: »

And what was said to you at the visits to these people beforw they passed you along? They must have offered some perspective

Friends might give you insight into your issues as they know you well. Do you have any close friends?

Frankly, I received horrifyingly little insight worth repeating: standard childhood trauma, I hesitate to use the term 'cliches' but I'm sure you get the notion.
Generally, I perceived some degree of shock that the health system didn't identify an issue sooner.
I listed symptoms ( such as insomnia) described panic attacks in detail and gave my life story. They offered rather common-sense advice such as to avoid coffee.
I developed the impression that my case was, to some degree, complex and that the services were struggling to address it. Another poster mentioned the shortcomings of CBT in situations such as mine and I'm inclined to agree. It may well be worth mentioning that my healthcare was, and is, provided through the medical card system.

Do I have close friends? No. I have a variety of acquaintances that would be terrified at the prospect of a dialogue of this depth.

I appreciate your comments and time.

amtc

No, you see that was actually funny! Referring to my suggestion of getting out of ivory towers by referencing planning. And thanks for the yours, you're debate.

So we have unveiled a sense of humour! Yeay!

Achievement for today!

lastidealist

amtc wrote: »

No, you see that was actually funny! Referring to my suggestion of getting out of ivory towers by referencing planning. And thanks for the yours, you're debate.

So we have unveiled a sense of humour! Yeay!

Achievement for today!

Oh wow, I genuinely hope you don't think I was being in any way snarky or distrustful - sometimes attempts at lightheartedness don't translate into internet text!
I am truly deeply thankful to you and the others for taking the time to advise me.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

amtc

By the way you don't mention siblings. Or close relatives or friends?

I ask as I am an only child, with cousins only abroad and a maxim that my Nana taught me (count your true friends on one hand). I'm not married although have had long term relationships and I have wonderful deep friends.

Growing up this way made me very immature socially but very mature academically. It took me a while to catch up!

amtc

lastidealist wrote: »

amtc wrote: »

No, you see that was actually funny! Referring to my suggestion of getting out of ivory towers by referencing planning. And thanks for the yours, you're debate.

So we have unveiled a sense of humour! Yeay!

Achievement for today!

Oh wow, I genuinely hope you don't think I was being in any way snarky or distrustful - sometimes att

I took it in spirit was meant!

amtc

The Irish Times yesterday had an article about having ten things a day to engage your brain...I put this down as one..so congrats

lastidealist

amtc wrote: »

By the way you don't mention siblings. Or close relatives or friends?

I ask as I am an only child, with cousins only abroad and a maxim that my Nana taught me (count your true friends on one hand). I'm not married although have had long term relationships and I have wonderful deep friends.

Growing up this way made me very immature socially but very mature academically. It took me a while to catch up!

Then we are kindred spirits!
I'm afraid that I could count the people who really matter in my life on the fingers if a mutilated hand!
There is a massive amount to be gained from listening to the older generation. True wisdom.

Many, many thanks.

lastidealist

amtc wrote: »

I took it in spirit was meant!

Phew!
That's all right then!

lastidealist

amtc wrote: »

The Irish Times yesterday had an article about having ten things a day to engage your brain...I put this down as one..so congrats

Should I post nine riddles?

amtc

If I didn't know better I'd think you were flirting with me. This could be a wonderful story to tell the kids ( !)

Seriously, you're well able to hold your own. You'll find your place. It may just come in a different way. Mine did. Took six months of my back being laid up to call off engagement, sell house... Wasn't easy but now in job I love earning crazy money but working mad hours.

Don't underestimate your mother's requurement to see you on your way. That is what you were raised for. Best of luck.

lastidealist

amtc wrote: »

If I didn't know better I'd think you were flirting with me. This could be a wonderful story to tell the kids ( !)

Seriously, you're well able to hold your own. You'll find your place. It may just come in a different way. Mine did. Took six months of my back being laid up to call off engagement, sell house... Wasn't easy but now in job I love earning crazy money but working mad hours.

Don't underestimate your mother's requurement to see you on your way. That is what you were raised for. Best of luck.

That is very helpful.
I have to go and think to names for children....
All the best and thanks again!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Can relate to your story. Grew up in a similar situation. Was an only child.

Wonder could you commute to Dublin, if you found a job (maybe part-time) or course? Sounds like getting out and trying something new would be good for you.

Its not that unusual not having had a relationship at your age but if you want to meet someone you really need to get out there!

Have always found self-help books useful.

Wishing you all the very best OP.

daisybelle2008

OP, Al-anon might be good for you, it doesn't matter if the alcoholic is still in your life or not. Someone else mentioned Open university.
There is a lot of negativity and fear in your life, I hope you don't continue to let it hold you back. You are the only person holding you back right now.

LegacyUser

To be honest I'm reading this with a jaundiced eye also. You are coming from a very difficult past and I will give you that, but if you want to make the most out of life you will have to find a way to move forward.
As someone of average intelligence but a lot of education, I've been cornered in many a pub by intelligent but undereducated men who feel a need to prove their intelligence by using long words and using 10 words where 1 will do. Please don't be one of those.
Also I don't think you've earned the right to think the whole world is pedestrian or corrupt or shallow when you've barely dipped your feet in it.
Of course you are young too and we've all had deep and meaningful late night discussions on major philosophical issues in our day. But life is mostly pedestrian you know, the deepest thinkers still have bills to pay, houses to buy and underwear to wash. You'll learn this too. There will be a balance between the superficial and the deep all your life.
You need to start a course of some kind, on line or in real life and go out and get social in some way, through a course or a club. Have you really not thought of online courses before? If not, I do wonder if you need to work on your global organisational skills a little.

amtc

Today is Monday. Do something that challenges you and report back. I will if you will!

Mine is asking for a pay rise.

lastidealist

amtc wrote: »

Today is Monday. Do something that challenges you and report back. I will if you will!

Mine is asking for a pay rise.

Will do
Reporting later!

lastidealist

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP, Al-anon might be good for you, it doesn't matter if the alcoholic is still in your life or not. Someone else mentioned Open university.
There is a lot of negativity and fear in your life, I hope you don't continue to let it hold you back. You are the only person holding you back right now.

Valid points.
Many thanks.