Chaotic sister making rash decisions....

LegacyUser

I'll try and keep this short and to the point.

Sister has depression and lives with anxiety. Has been for years. She has three children (5, 10 and 15) Separated from her partner. Had to sell their family home. She is now back in our mothers with two kids. Has been there 4 years. Very dependent on my parents but also causes them a lot of stress due to her mood swings, outbursts etc (this is another day's thread...!) Ex is ok. Takes kids 2-3 times a week.

She is very up and down and I try and support her as much as I can but also have to be careful not to get to involved as she can become quite volatile, hurtful and can make rash decisions that can have negative impacts on people around her.

Anyways, her latest decision, I feel, is going to destroy her kids. They are already very sensitive little souls due to her behaviors - eldest is in counseling and suffers with anxiety, middle lad cries at everything and gets very panicky if he stays somewhere without her, youngest is mad as brush. Happy little thing but is pretty much being raised by my mam and me....

this is the thing - she wants to move her middle lad to live with his dad, she wants to leave her eldest with my parents and she wants to move out with the little one into a rented room in a house. This house is owned by her friend who is a party animal and often has strange men back (sister told me this so again, not sure how much truth is in it)

I know people are going to say - none of by business, her kids, let the dad intervene etc....but these are my nieces and nephews and I love them so much. So does my mam. She is heartbroken by what she witnesses. My sis in not physically abusive to them but very much emotionally and mentally. She's not well and she know this (on meds, sees a counselor, not sure if its helping though...) but the kids have seen far too much and now with this mad idea she has, what the hell will happen to them??

So, I suppose what I'm looking for is advice. Any advice. Do I just butt out and let her do what she wants? Thank lads.

Turtle_

concernedaunt wrote: »

I know people are going to say - none of by business, her kids, let the dad intervene etc....but these are my nieces and nephews and I love them so much. So does my mam. She is heartbroken by what she witnesses. My sis in not physically abusive to them but very much emotionally and mentally. She's not well and she know this (on meds, sees a counselor, not sure if its helping though...) but the kids have seen far too much and now with this mad idea she has, what the hell will happen to them??

So, I suppose what I'm looking for is advice. Any advice. Do I just butt out and let her do what she wants? Thank lads.

If she moved out, is there any way they can stay with your mum? Can their father become their primary carer? Some people might say butt out, but please don't. These kids need someone in their corner to fight for them and try to make life stable for them.

LegacyUser

Thanks Turtle...and meant to say three kids living with her, not two!

What she is saying is that one will stay with my mum, one with their dad and one with her! Its madness really. I have suggested that all of them move to their dads, even if just for a little while but she has said no, she will only let one of them....she says the middle lad can go as he is the closest to his dad, the eldest isnt that close to him.....

I really don't think she is thinking rationally AT ALL about this.

Xterminator

put the childrens needs first, report your concerns here

http://www.tusla.ie/children-first/report-a-concern/

Paddy Cow

Splitting up the siblings is cruel. They have been settled living with their grandparents for four years. Would she leave all of them with your parents (if your parents were willing to take them). It does not sound like a good idea for her to have a 5yr old in an unstable environment.

You are not being a busy body and are doing the right thing by keeping an eye on this situation. Those kids need someone looking out for them.

I'm all for helping people with mental health issues but if their behaviour is affecting kids then the kids come first, otherwise there is a good possibility they will go on to develop mental health disorders themselves and it already sounds like they have some anxiety issues.

Rachiee

There is very little you can do but when she is discussing the plans with you ask her directly how she thinks the changes might make the children feel.

If she can come to an understamding on her own that she will hurt the kids shes more likely to decide herself not to. Whereas if you try tell her how hurtful she is being to the kids she'll just get defensive and further in denial.

If she genuinely cant emapthise with her kids try statements like i worry that bobby might feel rejected etc make sure to use "I" statements so she doesnt feel like her parenting is being attacked (as awful as her parenting may be) she is more likely to change her mind if she comes to the understanding herself rather than being told.

Good luck it sound like a really difficult situation.

The Princess Bride

If her ex is okay-as you put it - and already takes the children 2-3 times weekly, then really she cannot make any of these life changing decisions without his consultation.
Reading your post it looks like it's all about what "she wants";
whereas the children should be priority as they're minors and vulnerable.

What does their dad think of her ideas?