Family conflict before wedding

Farmerstatia

hi all...

getting married in march 2017 exciting times..
I don't know if this the right place to put this but ill ask anyway..
so I have a big big problem with my mum..basically long story short her and my oh fell out due to derogatory remarks made by my mums newest fella about having to get my mum to be a surrogate for myself and the oh ( we are going through fertility treatment at present four yeats ttc) anyway the oh went ape and rang up going mental to my mums boyfriend and all hell broke loose.
she wont come to the wedding,
wont speak to me,
refuses to let me see my brothers and sisters,
my youngest brother is 4 and I haven't seen him in 2 years,

my mum and dad are separated 13 years and she is using this as another excuse to not come.
and today I found out she is actually keeping my brother back a year in school so my son and my brother don't make their conformation together.they are in the same class and school..

any help at all ladies and gents I dunno what to do..she completely blanking me ive tried ringing etc she wont talk and said she doesn have a daughter called statia anymore..
I really would like her to come to the wedding...

Bacchus

Farmerstatia wrote: »

hi all...

getting married in march 2017 exciting times..
I don't know if this the right place to put this but ill ask anyway..
so I have a big big problem with my mum..basically long story short her and my oh fell out due to derogatory remarks made by my mums newest fella about having to get my mum to be a surrogate for myself and the oh ( we are going through fertility treatment at present four yeats ttc) anyway the oh went ape and rang up going mental to my mums boyfriend and all hell broke loose.
she wont come to the wedding,
wont speak to me,
refuses to let me see my brothers and sisters,
my youngest brother is 4 and I haven't seen him in 2 years,

my mum and dad are separated 13 years and she is using this as another excuse to not come.
and today I found out she is actually keeping my brother back a year in school so my son and my brother don't make their conformation together.they are in the same class and school..

any help at all ladies and gents I dunno what to do..she completely blanking me ive tried ringing etc she wont talk and said she doesn have a daughter called statia anymore..
I really would like her to come to the wedding...

Not a lady here but for what it is worth, this situation is beyond what you want for your wedding day. There are far more deeper issues here and simply addressing the immediate issue of "how to get her to the wedding" won't solve anything. If if you did achieve that, you'll still have all the other issues to deal with that might rear their heads on your wedding day. Fix the relationship first, then think about your wedding. Be prepared that your mother is so far gone from your relationship that you might have to accept she won't be there. I'd nearly take the stance that until the relationship is on the road to recovery, she shouldn't be there. Best of luck... and maybe try the Personal Issues forum for more/better advice.

mcgiggles

I agree with Bacchus, the last thing you want is to fumble through making peace just for the sake of the wedding and then having war kicking off on your special day.. you know what happens when people drink, all the emotions come to the surface..

SarahMollie

Farmerstatia wrote: »

hi all...

getting married in march 2017 exciting times..
I don't know if this the right place to put this but ill ask anyway..
so I have a big big problem with my mum..basically long story short her and my oh fell out due to derogatory remarks made by my mums newest fella about having to get my mum to be a surrogate for myself and the oh ( we are going through fertility treatment at present four yeats ttc) anyway the oh went ape and rang up going mental to my mums boyfriend and all hell broke loose.
she wont come to the wedding,
wont speak to me,
refuses to let me see my brothers and sisters,
my youngest brother is 4 and I haven't seen him in 2 years,

my mum and dad are separated 13 years and she is using this as another excuse to not come.
and today I found out she is actually keeping my brother back a year in school so my son and my brother don't make their conformation together.they are in the same class and school..

any help at all ladies and gents I dunno what to do..she completely blanking me ive tried ringing etc she wont talk and said she doesn have a daughter called statia anymore..
I really would like her to come to the wedding...

Perhaps better suited to the PI forum?

Faith

Mod note: Farmerstatia, I have moved your post, and the replies, to the Personal Issues forum, as it's much better suited to there.

PI charter now applies.

Mayboy

Hi

I hate to break this to you but.....

Your mother has made her choices which must be respected - however much they are difficult for you.
Her choices are probably unhealthy but that is not your problem.
The only thing you have to manage is having an appropriate relationship with her.
She is being manipulative and stonewalling you so that you behave the way she wants you to - as in she wants to be the dominant persona.
The only way I think to deal with this is not to reward poor behaviour on her part.

If she does not want to go to wedding- grand, does not want you to contact her - grand, her issues are hers, her issues with your OH are theirs not yours. So step back and enjoy life leaving her to make choices that are healthy, adult and maybe that includes talking to you in an adult to adult way.

It is a pity that the situation is as it is and is a poor model for her and your kids to see but someone has to step up to the bar and be normal here so hows about it be you?!

Best of luck, enjoy the wedding planning :-)

eviltwin

Your partner had a falling out with her partner is that right?

Why then are you and your mum not talking I'm just a bit confused by that.

Farmerstatia

eviltwin wrote: »

Your partner had a falling out with her partner is that right?

Why then are you and your mum not talking I'm just a bit confused by that.

Well you see my mums boyfriend turned around one day and said to my face that we would have to get my mum to become a surrogate for me to have a baby..myself and oh are going through fertility treatment to have children and this was a very sensitive subject to say the least but to top it all off my mum laughed her butt off at the remark thinking it was hilarious even though she knew about our fertility problems..so i got upset obv and was very hurt by the comment at told my oh and he rang my mums boyfriend and gave him a right going over on the fone...my oh is lorry driver and was in france at that time thats why he rang him..so mum drove round to my house got all up in my face would of hit me and said her boufriend never said anything about being a surrogate which was a blantant lie cause my sister heard him say it...so basically mum wont talk to me cause my oh stood up to her man and she didn'tlike it and said im only out to cause trouble and that im lying cause he never said that at all!!!!

Taltos

OP - sorry to say it but you are better off without her and her OH at your wedding.
We all know that it would kick off and one or both of you or your partners would end up spending the night in the cells. Instead just plan to have the best day of your life surrounded by the people who really care for you...

I know it will be tough but you can't dwell on this or it will spoil the day for you and your partner. Forget your mother and her insensitive boyfriend and just make sure that no matter what else you and your loved ones have an amazing day....

There is also some book from Amazon we've seen recommended here a few times about toxic families, hopefully someone can post with the name for you.

strandroad

Farmerstatia wrote: »

she wont come to the wedding,
wont speak to me,

It's probably for the better, she and her partner sound absolutely horrible and you can't fix them. Do not try to invite them, indeed put them on a black lit. She might actually come and ruin your wedding out of spite!

refuses to let me see my brothers and sisters,
my youngest brother is 4 and I haven't seen him in 2 years

This is actually important in it and it must be hurtful. I believe that you should be able to involve social services if your mother is barring your young siblings from seeing you, you can apply for access to see them which will be granted.

Farmerstatia

Taltos wrote: »

OP - sorry to say it but you are better off without her and her OH at your wedding.
We all know that it would kick off and one or both of you or your partners would end up spending the night in the cells. Instead just plan to have the best day of your life surrounded by the people who really care for you...

I know it will be tough but you can't dwell on this or it will spoil the day for you and your partner. Forget your mother and her insensitive boyfriend and just make sure that no matter what else you and your loved ones have an amazing day....

There is also some book from Amazon we've seen recommended here a few times about toxic families, hopefully someone can post with the name for you.

Thank you taltos...i dont want her to come but yet i do...mum always has been and will be a tough woman to deal with she is nevwr in the wrong ever.....i sont want to back down from this its hard but wat can i do

Farmerstatia

Thanks for all the advice guys and lassies...this isnt even the tip of the ice berg in relation to all the stuff that has happened with my mum..lets just say she always sides with her current squeeze when something comes up for example she wouldnt believe many years ago that her then current fella and father to one of my brothers use to be teying it on with me etc until i could proce it.....it nust hurts that yet again she is choosing men over her kids

Yellow pack crisps

You are too accepting of your mothers treatment and behaviour of you. Why is that? Having to go through fertility treatment I'm sure is not nice and is a roller coaster of disappointments and hope all rolled into one and of course the stress and emotional toll can be quite high. So for your mother to crack jokes and take the side of her other half about it really speaks volumes about how she treats you and sees you. A mother who is normal would be full of support and compassion for her daughter going through something like this.

It's your wedding. The happiest day of your life supposedly do you really want someone regardless of who they are there that could potentially darken your mood and that of your wedding?

As for your siblings send them some gifts and cards so they know you are still there for them.

Best of luck with it all.

Is nobody else concerned she's keeping a child back a year of school over something that insane?
Or maybe the brother is being kept back unrelatedly.
I wouldn't go nuts trying to get her to the wedding anyway

Turtle_

bluewolf wrote: »

Is nobody else concerned she's keeping a child back a year of school over something that insane?
Or maybe the brother is being kept back unrelatedly.
I wouldn't go nuts trying to get her to the wedding anyway

It concerned me too, but I think schools these days are very reluctant to hold a child back except in exceptional circumstances where the child needs it... So if it happens I'd like to think that the school deemed it necessary.

But it might be worth raising with the school, they won't talk to you about your brother but they can listen to you giving background about his home life. It might inform their decision about holding him back.

Fakediamond

As you said, this is the tip of the iceberg in how she has treated you all your life. Would you consider getting some counselling to deal wth it all? As another poster said, it's very concerning that she'd keep your brother back a year. A counsellor could advise you on whether it's appropriate to make a referral to Tusla to check on the welfare of all of her minor children. At the very least, it sounds like they may be emotionally abused, as you probably were too.

Do you really, really want these toxic people at your wedding?

Farmerstatia

I know my brother struggles in school and i think this is just a cover she is saying so the real reason for him to be kept back wont xome out....
i dont think i need counselling ive gotten to the stage now cause this is going on two years and she never even said comgrats when we got engaged that if i met her we would litterally come to blows and tbh i know i would harm her...mum has really hurt me time and time again but im the sort on the other hand that wouldnt hold it against her so she could go to the wedding...im a softie at heart but im at the end of my tether...many many years ago her then fella kept trying it on with me wouldnt leave alone told mum and wouldnt believe me..i was raped she didnt believe it i was beat around the place by my ex and she didnt believe that...mum can never confront others or stand up for us we had to lwarn to watch each other and i took the brunt of it for my brothers and sisters so they wouldnt be hurt..but she can confront us the children and not believe us or basically sisown us for no reason

GingerLily

She is toxic, why do you want her there? It's a day for celebration, don't let her ruin it.
She doesn't deserve to be part of your life or invited to your wedding.

Sound Bite

Op I think you will be way better off without this toxic person in your life. It appears like she is your mother in name only as her actions are disgusting.

It must be hugely frustrating that she is preventing you from seeing your siblings - that must be very difficult and hurt a lot.

If I were you, I would exhaust all options in order to see your siblings but take comfort from the fact that even if this is not possible that as they grow older they will be able to make their own opinions and reconnect with you. Make sure to try to show them you care and are thinking of them-sent Birthday & Christmas every yr. Even if they don't receive them they will recognise that your tried everything you could etc.

Farmerstatia

I do send birthday cards and presents to them i would never forget to send them...i cant have my little sister who is 8 as my flowergirl or my baby brother who is 4 as my litte pageboy cause she will not allow them to go either....its so frustrating. .. well enough of my venting i think ill just have to face reality and carry on with my life for our son who is 11 and our fertility treatment an planning our lives together..ive had enough bullsh#t from mum to last a life time .... i kept blaming myself thinking was i in the wrong should i apologise again is it all my fault but its not my fault and if it was at least id have the balls to say it was and stand up an say yea i was wrong im sorry but mum cant do that at all...
its heartbreaking to know they wont be at my wedding but wat can i do..
life goes on with or without her...xx

Paddy Cow

Taltos wrote: »

There is also some book from Amazon we've seen recommended here a few times about toxic families, hopefully someone can post with the name for you.

I believe the one you are talking about is Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. It deals with the emotional hold toxic parents have over their children and while I haven't read it myself, I've only heard good things from people who have.

Neyite

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice guys and lassies...this isnt even the tip of the ice berg in relation to all the stuff that has happened with my mum..lets just say she always sides with her current squeeze when something comes up for example she wouldnt believe many years ago that her then current fella and father to one of my brothers use to be teying it on with me etc until i could proce it.....it nust hurts that yet again she is choosing men over her kids

Maybe you are caught up in the romance of weddings thinking that the mother of the bride should be there - I mean that kindly by the way. We often have our 'perfect day' in our head and sometimes forget that the family we are dealt with don't necessarily match up with the day we would like.

She's not going to put you first. Ever. She never will and she's too old to change now. Her priority as you say is whoever she's seeing. That's who she puts on a pedestal. Listen to what she is saying when she is telling you who she is. You sound like you have some terrific people in your life but your mum just isn't one of them for you.

She's not going to ever be the Pinterest version of Mother of the Bride. Even if she did go and behaves, she's demonstrated clearly that if her boyfriend decides to do or say anything, she will back him to the hilt. It seems that he likes to sh!t stir so is hardly likely to pass up the opportunity of your wedding day to get you both back for daring to challenge him.

Do your wedding without her (and his!) toxicity hanging over you on the day.