How do I overcome relationship insecurity?

LegacyUser

I've been with this girl just over 6 months. It would be my third serious relationship, the other two both lasted just over a year. I'm 30.

Recently I've been getting crazy insecure about the whole relationship. I don't think I've ever been like this before. Every little thing is making me jealous. I keep thinking she's flirting with guys when she's chatting to them. I find my eyes darting over and this green monster of jealousy is bubbling inside of me. I find myself getting mad when she doesn't reply to texts quickly. I find myself having an increasingly short fuse with her. I find myself getting irritated when she doesn't feel like talking about something, "What is she hiding from me?" dashes through my mind.

I used to never, ever be like this. I could always rise above these emotions. I could recognize them as pointless and destructive. Even if I was cheated on, I believed it was something I could not control so I would cross that bridge if I ever came to it. I could take a leap of faith and trust them implicitly. But not with this girl. My usual rational thinking is being overruled by some nagging teenager screaming,"What if?". It's really starting to effect my relationship and my general happiness.

Anybody suffered from this? What did you do to alleviate it? I'm somewhat reluctant to bring this up with her yet as I don't want to come across as an insecure mess and push her away.

DukeOfTheSharp

Well if nobody else is going to field this, I'll get the ball rolling:

Ok OP, jealousy is an annoying feeling, and in most people who generally don't see the point in being jealous, this can be shocking - I've been there, I never cared who the people I dated ever talked to, even when they'd approach the topic like they were walking on glass, it was just dumb to me. However, the only time I've felt jealous is when someone got into my head and acted in a certain way that triggered that in me. I managed to rein it in, but it's not fun. I do think that some people bring out the absolute worst in us at times, usually through the way they act around us, interact with people, or carry themselves; something just doesn't sit right, and it'll drive you up the walls if you let it. Here's the thing; taken in the singular context, the simple fact is that you just might not be compatible, and it's time to leave it be. If it's effecting your happiness, you feel like you can't trust her and she doesn't talk to you about things (regardless of importance, communication of everyday lark is normal and healthy) and this just doesn't seem right to you. Especially if you're tolerance for her is getting smaller and smaller.

Something I learned from coming out of many years of an outright awful relationship (abuse was involved) was that I should have listened to my gut instinct and seen what it was trying to tell me, and I'll say the same to you OP. This is making you uncomfortable, unhappy and by your own admission it isn't your style, so something is altering your perspective. And since the only thing that's different now is your girlfriend, maybe the best way to deal with this is to just end it. After six months, this isn't a healthy way to feel. I know it may not be the hopeful advice you're looking for, but it's either this or sit around, slowly building up resentment for someone who you want to trust implicitly, but who seems to evoke really negative feelings and thoughts in you without trying. Also, try some counselling, nothing too intense, just try to nail down why you might be feeling this way and hopefully that'll help you in future.

Big Bag of Chips

Is this girl doing anything different to your other girl friends? What do you think is triggering these feelings? Thinking she's flirting etc?? Maybe she is? Maybe she's a naturally flirty person and you are picking up on it? It's very difficult to know if you're being unreasonable, or if this girl is giving you reason to feel this way. She may not necessarily be doing anything wrong, or intentionally flirting but as Duke says, it's possible you just don't gel.

I think if this relationship is causing you this many concerns at such an early stage it might be best to just call it a day. You could of course explain the feelings you are having and see if you can work through them. But then, if she's not actually doing anything wrong, you risk her feeling she has to change the person she is in order to keep the peace with you. She'll start to feel awkward if she chats to any other fella. She'll be tiptoeing around you for fear of something she might innocently do or say upsetting you.

Your feelings are yours, and again if she's not doing anything out of the ordinary then the onus is on you to sort yourself out, not on her to change in order to keep you happy. It's ok to accept that you're not compatible. It's not your fault, it's not hers.

AlteredStates

Sounds like lots of insecurity and men like that take women as hostages and not as equals. Never ends well (from personal and friends experiences). The anger you feel maybe your own issues not hers. A mans biggest trial will be the journey from the head/ego to his heart. Once there, love conquers all and not ego. Try find out what your own personal barriers are against the relationship and perhaps stop projecting your stuff onto her. If she thinks anything of you, she will wait until your issues are addressed and hopefully you can both move on to a new phase (without the destructive emotions).

Well done for taking responsibility - you are already on your way to healing as first step is admittance (easier option is denial) - wish you all the best

silverbolt

Have you spoken to her? Just for some reassurance.

We all get these moments but they very quickly can spiral out of control and you end up doing nothing but looking at negative soul destroying scenarios that have no basis in reality. You know this logically (after all you know your partner) but getting your head to believe them is another matter.

Have a word with her, not in any kind of accusation just a im having these insecurities and would like to air them. If shes understanding then she wont have a problem (unless you make it into a constant thing)

Skibunny77

Ok, your gf is not the problem here. You are allowing your jealousy to impact on her and have become controlling of her - I'd imagine she can sense your mood if she is talking to other guys, if she doesn't answer texts quickly and then experiences what you term your short fuse etc - those behaviours clearly fall under the category of emotional abuse by the way. So here's the thing, your girlfriend is an adult who can speak with who she likes, answer texts at her own pace and should not have to experience your jealousy and anger. She is in no way a trigger for your behaviour. If you want to be in a healthy relationship you need to figure out how to identify and manage these feelings without it impacting upon her and I recommend counselling. I have seen relationships like this, where the man's jealousy and controlling behaviour escalates over time. It doesn't tend to simply resolve and often the behaviour carries from one relationship to the next. Good on you for seeking advice.