Running out of time?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

How do I begin this basically just turned the big 40 and I am single and always have been. Went through my teens, college, twenties and recently 30's without any sign of a girlfriend or a love life. It just never seemed to happen for me. I went to a mixed secondary school but nothing happened there, spoke to girls in my class but nothing ever developed. Mostly hung around with guys during teens without any female interaction. College was the same as I lived at home, and a lot of girls on course did the same. My friends mostly the same as me now, are not good with women either.

To put in context have a good job, car, work out keep in shape, own house, money in the bank, never knew a bad day during the recession. Recently got promoted at work so outwardly a success except in one area of my life. I was always on the shy side with women I was attracted to, but at work etc can talk away to colleagues/presentations etc no problem. I have tried tinder, dating sites - withuse variety of pics - smiling holiday etc. Always send message with question about profile or interest the lady has and not a "hi hun" message. Cant get a reply there either. I work in a mostly male environment (trades) so not much female interaction there. I am kind of hung up about my height as I an only 5'9. You commonly see the phrase I like to wear heels on sites so guy must be tall.

I look younger than my age, to put in context, recently in early to mid 30's got the come on from a few ladies but years of no experience made me like a deer in headlights and the opportunity was gone. Recently 2 ladies came on to me but as before I froze and it just became akward. A bit of facebooking showed they were 31 and 28. I have seen one of them again and there is still something there (28). But what I am thinking now is that there is no future given the age gap? Am I wrong in this?

I live in a fair sized midlands town so I am not in the stix. I am just a mess with this, probably overthinking everything. Basically are the age gaps if they happen again as above worth pursuing? Also has anybody turned a similar situation around and if so how?

Thanks to anybody that replies in advance.

SarahMollie

From reading your post, its just sounds like a classic lack of confidence. Even when you do get an opportunity with a woman, you pinic and make an exit.

What you need to realise is that plenty of men who werent popular in school/college later come into their own. While being popular/sporty/hot/whatever is an advantage in those years, as people reach the age of wanting to start a family/settle down, then often priorities change and men who have a stable job and good propects start to look a lot more attractive than someone whos peak in life was playing hurling for the county or whatever.

So basically, don't see yourself short. Just because you havent got a lengthy romantic history doesnt mean that you're incapable of having a relationship. You only have to get it right once after all As for height... 5'9 isnt exactly ground-breakingly short. Its probably about average.

You've just got to have a stern word with yourself not to run or panic when next presented with an opportunity. Women are just people too, and all all likelihood face the same insecurities and lapses in confidence as you do.

JeffKenna

You're lucky with the fact that you're a man as realistically you can start a family at any stage so I wouldn't worry about running out of time.

It does stem down to confidence. My advise would be to put yourself into the shoes of a lady in her late 20's, which would be your potential age match. Look at your life from her perspective and everything that you have to offer.

pookie82

Can I just say 5' 9 is not that short! If you were 5' 3 fair enough, but yours is a perfectly acceptable height for a guy and I know tons of guys that height that have no issues with the opposite sex because of it.

Anyone saying that they wear heels and "need someone tall" is seeking a partner based on a more superficial level than you and for different reasons, so don't let your height get you down.

You're also luckier than a woman at 40 ... I can't see any barrier to dating someone in her late 20s/early 30s like I would if the genders were reversed.

A_Sober_Paddy

Op have you tried online dating?

I am a bit younger than you but had serious problems with women due to low confidence. Tried online dating and met someone and were together 2 years. I was hopeless in pubs or clubs trying to even have a conversion with women

silverharp

you don't recognise your own value mate. I wouldn't worry about the age gap, people don't change that much between 30 and 40 and realistically if you met a woman that was 35/36 in the morning you are taking a risk of having problems having kids or feel like you have to artificially accelerate the relationship. so early 30's is the age group you ought to be looking at
I'd imagine he dating market is in your advantage so there is no reason to panic if you are getting hit on younger women. Probably don't depend on Tinder, find ways to get yourself into social settings , sports or other leisure activities, that way you can meet women in a relaxed way.

cactusgal

pookie82 wrote: »

Can I just say 5' 9 is not that short! If you were 5' 3 fair enough, but yours is a perfectly acceptable height for a guy and I know tons of guys that height that have no issues with the opposite sex because of it.

Anyone saying that they wear heels and "need someone tall" is seeking a partner based on a more superficial level than you and for different reasons, so don't let your height get you down.

You're also luckier than a woman at 40 ... I can't see any barrier to dating someone in her late 20s/early 30s like I would if the genders were reversed.

Big time! Op, you sound like a great catch, seriously! Are you involved in any hobbies? What are your interests outside of work? I know my single girlfriends are finding it difficult to meet someone nice. They'd kill to meet a guy like you!

BetsyEllen

OP - I'm 29. My ex-boyfriend was 9 years older than me and 5'8 - I would never have classed him as short! And kind of look for men around that height now as I don't like a man to be towering over me.

You sound like an absolute catch to me.

• Good job, recently promoted
• Financially secure
• Own car
• Good body
• Own your own home
• No baggage ie kids or a crazy ex
• Not out all the time partying, drinking

Seriously, finding all of the above in a male is a very rare thing, something that any single woman would be looking for.

Are you in a position to ask the 28 year old out for a drink?*
*And if not, I'm free this weekend...just saying...:pac:

KikiDee

Yea OP I'd be inclined to agree with everyone else. You're a catch! Age shouldn't be an issue at all. If you're both getting the 'feels' then go for it! But be up front with each other about what you both want. Depending on the age gap, you could be at different stages etc.

The height thing...as someone said, that's rather superficial of women to say that. Are you sure those are the type of women you want to communicate with?? Also, 5'9...to some people (I'm 5ft), that's super tall, even when I'm wearing heels

I think it is a little confidence issue you have as opposed to anything else. You panic because of your lack of experience/shyness. To be perfectly honest, I think your shyness is quite endearing. I'd recommend you be honest about your shyness with women you meet. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it.

Go get em OP

LegacyUser

Thanks for taking the time to respond. It is great to get a bit of outside perspective. Yeah confidence is a bit lacking on my part in making the move. I am nervous about doing it because I haven't done it and because I haven't done it and have no experience I am nervous about doing it vicious circle. I guess writing things helped to clarify things for me. I have a lot going for me, and re-reading this post made me realise this. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself but I have a lot to be grateful for, and need to focus on that rather than what's wrong. I do need to get more active in social settings as I tend to spend to much time alone. I have a bit of work to do, but your comments have given me a lift and a good kick in the ass that I needed.

Once again thanks to you all for taking the time to post your good advice and encouragement, its appreciated. I hope you all achieve your dreams in life.

forestgirl

You have plenty of time and you sound like a really good catch,be very careful and do not settle for any skanky yoke,plenty of them about and they will get one foot in the door and you will be out and that will be the end of you.I've seen it happen to lovely men so take time and be choosey because you can.good luck

Sound Bite

Op as others have said you need to look at you from a single woman's perspective, especially one in their 30s.

I was single until recently and men like you - single & sane with a good job, own home, ambitious, no significant package like a crazy ex and actually want a relationship are so hard to find.

Trust me, men like you are in huge demand!

If this post was 6 months ago, I probably would have sent you a private message! ;-)

Esel

OP, you said "My friends mostly the same as me now, are not good with women either."

Is it possible you and your friends are holding each other back? That can happen - it can be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Get out of your comfort zone. Challenge yourself. Now is just the right time to book night classes, for instance. Pick something you might not have considered before (and is likely to have female fellow students) like art, drawing/painting, music appreciation, dance, etc.

Do you have any hobbies or similar interests? You may be a film buff without knowing it! Talk about something you actually are passionate about - it could be anything from angling / architecture to Zen / zoology. Probably not cement mixers etc though - gardening would be better!

Get an aquarium (not a small one), learn how to care for the fish you put in it, Learn more about it, increase the variety of fish. No piranhas.

Become a regular user of your local library. Read what you like. Read book reviews.

Join a book club. Read the books, go to the meetings, contribute to the discussions. Listen.

Speed-dating might be a way for you to build your self-confidence. Do it with this in mind, i.e. as a way to get used to talking (and listening, that's verrry important...) to women. Just don't tell them that you are 'practising'.

I'm just talking of the top of my head here.

Also, you are not 'short'; there is no big Four Oh these days, and age is just a number.

Last bit of advice - wear good footwear. If they are dress shoes, keep them polished and in good repair (not down at heel). Speaking of footwear - have you thought of joining a hillwalking club? Or scuba-diving. Or bird-watching (the ones with feathers).

I'll stop now.

DukeOfTheSharp

OP, I'm 5'4 and I'd kill for the extra 5 inches you've got on me! But at the end of the day I've never let my height hold me back, and really it's all about how confident you are. I know it's daunting and you're probably an overthinker when it comes to dating, but try to think about it in terms of the here and now: if you're on a date with someone, there's a level of interest there that's already been established. As for the awkwardness...play to that! I do, turns out I'm goddamn adorable when I do! Some lads play the tough card, the hard man, but it smacks of desperation and needing something to prove, people say 'be yourself' and you think 'nah, that's stupid', but it's honestly not. And try not to think so hard about 'the future', better to deal with the situation in the present and see how it works out. Keep an open mind too, and if you've got a 'type', ignore it, it'll only ever get you into trouble. Oh, and respect; it goes both ways. If you show it and don't get it, move along swiftly. That's all I've got really.

silverbolt

Ordinary guy wrote: »

Hi All,

How do I begin this basically just turned the big 40 and I am single and always have been. Went through my teens, college, twenties and recently 30's without any sign of a girlfriend or a love life. It just never seemed to happen for me. I went to a mixed secondary school but nothing happened there, spoke to girls in my class but nothing ever developed. Mostly hung around with guys during teens without any female interaction. College was the same as I lived at home, and a lot of girls on course did the same. My friends mostly the same as me now, are not good with women either.

To put in context have a good job, car, work out keep in shape, own house, money in the bank, never knew a bad day during the recession. Recently got promoted at work so outwardly a success except in one area of my life. I was always on the shy side with women I was attracted to, but at work etc can talk away to colleagues/presentations etc no problem. I have tried tinder, dating sites - withuse variety of pics - smiling holiday etc. Always send message with question about profile or interest the lady has and not a "hi hun" message. Cant get a reply there either. I work in a mostly male environment (trades) so not much female interaction there. I am kind of hung up about my height as I an only 5'9. You commonly see the phrase I like to wear heels on sites so guy must be tall.

I look younger than my age, to put in context, recently in early to mid 30's got the come on from a few ladies but years of no experience made me like a deer in headlights and the opportunity was gone. Recently 2 ladies came on to me but as before I froze and it just became akward. A bit of facebooking showed they were 31 and 28. I have seen one of them again and there is still something there (28). But what I am thinking now is that there is no future given the age gap? Am I wrong in this?

I live in a fair sized midlands town so I am not in the stix. I am just a mess with this, probably overthinking everything. Basically are the age gaps if they happen again as above worth pursuing? Also has anybody turned a similar situation around and if so how?

Thanks to anybody that replies in advance.

There is 9 1/2 years between my partner and myself (im 35 shes 25) and we work, granted she was one of my best friends before this so the situation is slightly different but the point is as we get older age becomes less of an issue. At 28 shes old enough to know what she wants (if any of us ever know that) and have it.

Try it - the worsat she can do is say no.

As for dating sites - its not you fella those things are just a big ball of isery wrapped up in a ball

leahyl

OP, you sound like a great guy with an awful lot going for you. I'm your female equivalent when it comes to the opposite sex, 31 and no experience with dating and have been single for nearly all my life (apart from a brief "holiday romance" a few years back) so I know how you feel. It's definitely a confidence thing for me also and I know it but I just can't seem to break the cycle. I wish I could just click my fingers and I'd become the most confident person in the world because it gets harder the older I get I think.

I would advise you to just get out there and show everyone what you have to offer! Now....for me to take my own advice!

Good luck

dellas1979

Bar all the other positive things youve to offer, the biggest thing of all is that you would like to meet someone/be in a relationship.

Believe me when I tell you, that is like gold dust these day.

I am not 100% sure what your fear is (it doesnt seem to be commitment). You should ask/question that yourself, and work on it.