16 year old daughter - friendships

KathMcCann

My 16 year old daughter is part of a friendship group of 6 girls in school.
However this summer she has not met up with any of them and has no other friends outside school. Basically she spent the entire summer reading / listening to music in her room on her own. I asked her if she has been texting them but she said she got no reply from them. I know good friendships are really important at this stage in her life but I'm not sure how to encourage her to meet up with her friends. Any advice would be great.

freshpopcorn

Book cinema tickets for her and a friend/friends and give her a few Euro to get some food!

2RockMountain

Do you know any of the other parents well enough to try to set up a 'playdate' (but don't call it that!)?

BorneTobyWilde

She's 16 not 6 .

Digital Solitude

BorneTobyWilde wrote: »

She's 16 not 6 .

And could be suffering mentally in a way OP doesn't know about.

At this stage I'd try to have a talk and make sure everything is okay, but she will be going back to school soon so the situation may change then

2RockMountain

BorneTobyWilde wrote: »

She's 16 not 6 .

Got anything constructive to add?

Aineoil

Hi Kath,
These are just my thoughts and I’m no expert. If your daughter is happy listening to music and reading books, let her be. My son at the same age was a quiet soul too. (He’s 19 now) He didn’t meet up with friends or text them or get texts from them at your daughter’s age. We were concerned but not worried about our son, at the time.

Transition year in school was where his life changed. I’m not too sure what brought about that change in him. He became more confident and more sure of himself. He now has so many friends we have to taxi him to them all the time. When he announces they are coming over to our house I’m in meltdown over cleaning the house from top to bottom.

Maybe your daughter is ahead of her peers in maturity? Maybe the other girls are very bitchy and your daughter doesn't want to be part of that?

My best bit of advice is to talk to your daughter in the car. It's a confined space, there's no eye contact, neither of you can run away (usually). The best conversations I have had with my son was in the car.

BettePorter

Aineoil wrote:

My best bit of advice is to talk to your daughter in the car. It's a confined space, there's no eye contact, neither of you can run away (usually). The best conversations I have had with my son was in the car.

Ive actually heard this advised by professionals! Parents apparently have their best 'quality time ' with their teens in the car! Simply cause they can't walk away!

BorneTobyWilde

2RockMountain wrote: »

Got anything constructive to add?

That was constructive . Can you imagine her embarrassment if her Mom tried to arrange a ''playdate'' .

Orion

2RockMountain wrote: »

Got anything constructive to add?

Have you been made a mod without us being informed? If not, then report a post if you think it's nonconstructive and we'll deal with it.

Orion

BorneTobyWilde wrote: »

That was constructive

1. It actually wasn't.
2. Same as above post - report don't respond.
3. Don't assume you can see a thread on the front page of boards from this forum and then behave the way you have in other forums. Contribute constructively or don't post at all. We don't have a huge tolerance for fly-by trolling here.

Eimee90

From a teacher's perspective, ask her if everything is ok and if she's had a falling out. Don't try to force a friendship with these girls, particularly behind her back, for all you know there could be bullying going on and the last thing you want to do is antagonize it.

Discreetly observe her behaviour, is she grossly different than before, distancing herself, eating patterns, mood.

I will add that a lot of teenagers distance themselves in some way at that age, it happens for a bit.

The important thing is you know your daughter more than anyone here, if you genuinely feel something is wrong, you need to sit down and chat with her. Positive reinforcement is key here. She might get defensive so explain she isn't in trouble, you are just worried that something has happened and let her know that you are here to chat anytime she wants.
Best of luck.

2RockMountain

BorneTobyWilde wrote: »

Can you imagine her embarrassment if her Mom tried to arrange a ''playdate'' .

Which is exactly why I put it in inverted commas and added a note about language. Sometimes, kids of all ages need a little support and encouragement. There is nothing wrong with one parent saying 'we're off to the beach or the high-ropes course or the cinema tomorrow - would xxx like to join us'. This may well be enough to nudge both kids into an enjoyable activity.

There is lots of other good advice here too from others.

rainbowtrout

2RockMountain wrote: »

Which is exactly why I put it in inverted commas and added a note about language. Sometimes, kids of all ages need a little support and encouragement. There is nothing wrong with one parent saying 'we're off to the beach or the high-ropes course or the cinema tomorrow - would xxx like to join us'. This may well be enough to nudge both kids into an enjoyable activity.

There is lots of other good advice here too from others.

No teenager wants their mother calling the mother of another teenager to arrange for them to meet. It's embarrassing for them.

OP, you're better off talking to your daughter and following up on what she originally said to you. She said they didn't reply. The way you have written it sounds like you think she has chosen not to meet them. I would have read it that they have ignored her messages. This is probably not her fault. You could start with a few simple questions and find out if she texted many of them or just one. If your experience for example last summer was that you were constantly ferrying her to friends houses, or that they were constantly in and out of your house, or her phone was glued to her hand constantly texting and then nothing this summer, then something has happened to cause that change and it may not be your daughter's doing.

Given that she will be back to school in another 10 days or so, it's worth trying to get a bit more information. She could be in a situation because the friends have decided to ditch her - girls can be awful bitches at that age - it could be that they have started going out at weekends and she hasn't so they've just dropped her, they could be jealous of her if she's doing well at school. Some of them might be moving in different circles and are trying to 'be cool'. I'm a secondary school teacher and have seen all of this stuff happen. If you get anywhere regarding the texts, maybe dig back a little further and ask if anything happened at the end of the school year. If she's on social media ask her if any of them have messaged her on Facebook/ Snapchat, Twitter, 'liked' anything she has posted on FB. Are they still friends with her on social media? You might get a clearer picture of what is going on.

If something has happened, I think it would be important that you don't tell her you are going to go in all guns blazing, but to let her know that if something is going on at school that you are there to listen to her and to call into school if she needs you to. Best of luck.

2RockMountain

rainbowtrout wrote: »

No teenager wants their mother calling the mother of another teenager to arrange for them to meet. It's embarrassing for them.

OP, you're better off talking to your daughter and following up on what she originally said to you. She said they didn't reply. The way you have written it sounds like you think she has chosen not to meet them. I would have read it that they have ignored her messages. This is probably not her fault. You could start with a few simple questions and find out if she texted many of them or just one. If your experience for example last summer was that you were constantly ferrying her to friends houses, or that they were constantly in and out of your house, or her phone was glued to her hand constantly texting and then nothing this summer, then something has happened to cause that change and it may not be your daughter's doing.

Given that she will be back to school in another 10 days or so, it's worth trying to get a bit more information. She could be in a situation because the friends have decided to ditch her - girls can be awful bitches at that age - it could be that they have started going out at weekends and she hasn't so they've just dropped her, they could be jealous of her if she's doing well at school. Some of them might be moving in different circles and are trying to 'be cool'. I'm a secondary school teacher and have seen all of this stuff happen. If you get anywhere regarding the texts, maybe dig back a little further and ask if anything happened at the end of the school year. If she's on social media ask her if any of them have messaged her on Facebook/ Snapchat, Twitter, 'liked' anything she has posted on FB. Are they still friends with her on social media? You might get a clearer picture of what is going on.

If something has happened, I think it would be important that you don't tell her you are going to go in all guns blazing, but to let her know that if something is going on at school that you are there to listen to her and to call into school if she needs you to. Best of luck.

In general, I'd agree with your approach. However, there are times when 'embarrassment' has to come way down the priority list. There are times when parents need to do the 'embarrassing' thing to solve a problem.

rainbowtrout

2RockMountain wrote: »

In general, I'd agree with your approach. However, there are times when 'embarrassment' has to come way down the priority list. There are times when parents need to do the 'embarrassing' thing to solve a problem.

If bullying is involved it can make the situation worse. Also if teenagers have grown apart they shouldn't be forced to spend time with each other.

2RockMountain

rainbowtrout wrote: »

If bullying is involved it can make the situation worse. Also if teenagers have grown apart they shouldn't be forced to spend time with each other.

Yep, fully agree.

seamus

In my experience it can be relatively common for school friendships to be a lot like work friendships - they get along and spend time together because the school day forces them together, but once term time ends, the friendship(s) stagnate. Very few people I know still have any friends from school that they didn't hang around with outside of school too.

Over the summer break, these incidental friendships can wither and new ones are formed when the school restarts in September. Would your daughter ordinarily have met up with these girls outside of school on weekends or during mid-term breaks? Or would most of her time with them be during school or things that revolve around school?

If it's the latter, then I'd be inclined to leave her be. If it's the former then it would be worth poking around to find out if something has changed - perhaps she's fallen out with one of the girls and is avoiding the whole group as a result.

As others say though, I wouldn't be pushed to force her to spend time with people if she's not that interested herself.