Am I dating a man-child?

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I'm 31 and with my bf just over a year, he's 28. We get on quite well and have met each other's families, used to work together so have a lot of people in common and he's my first "big" relationship. Before him it was just flings and short romances, nothing that ever really went the distance.

My problem is im at that stage where I'm thinking about the future - actively saving for it, thinking about buying a house, advancing my career, maybe marriage and kids down the line - and he just seems to be stuck in some sort of delayed adolescence. He still lives at home with his folks (when we met about a year and a half ago he said it was because his dad was unwell and mother asked him to move back in - his father has been fine for as long as I've known him), is bad with money and pretty much lives paycheck to paycheck. I make a fair bit more than him but that's not a big deal to me - even when I was on minimum wage I still managed to save a few hundred quid per month and that's what bothers me - he doesn't even try or think of it as important at all.

i'D come from a wealthier background than him and i wonder sometimes if his upbringing has influenced these behaviours - the family never had much money so didn't get in the habit of tucking some away for a rainy day or making future plans.

It's at the point now where I love him, but am so worried about how we move forward as a couple. We're beyond the early days of dating where it's dinners out and weekends away - I'd like to make plans bigger than that - EG I've been saying I'd like to do a big holiday next year - and I've no idea how the hell he'd be able to afford it if he can't get any savings together. So it's already impacting if just in small ways. I worry a lot about the bigger stuff and if we'll be compatible when it comes down to it.

Any time I mention this to him I'm a "nag" and he shuts the conversation down so I'm not really sure how to approach it. Has anyone else been through this or have any words of advice?

Thanks for reading xx

Irish_Elect_Eng

When I met my wife I was living pretty much as you have described your husband. Although my expenditure was mainly in socializing trying to find a GF and then once I met her, trying to impress and keep her :-)

When we moved in together, she helped me get my **** together, this was easy for us I guess because I knew that she was the one much earlier that she did. I always smile because she was helping me save for her engagement ring and she did not even know about it :-) I changed my habits when I knew that there was a joint future to prepare for.

In our case I make 2-3 x my wife income, she loves her work and is highly motivated @ work, but nursing in Ireland is so very underpaid for the work that they do. We use a joint ac for all our income and my wife handles much of the family financial planning by agreement as she is better at it than I. Which is funny as I handle multi-million $ projects at work, but would forget to pay the bin charges, go figure. Broadly, we both spend when we want to, but know from regular conversations about our finances what our disposable income is for the month ahead.

As with all things in a relationship communication in the key factor, just like sexual needs, buying a house, plans for kids, etc. there are some conversations that can be hard to have, but are absolutely necessary. A good point to have many of these conversations is when you move in together and discuss the expenses like rent and groceries. Frankly, failure to engage with these conversations is a failure to engage in the relationship.

But from your mail I think that you are further down the line in this relationship than your partner, you may just have to wait until he catches me with you. (If he ever does)

rjpf1980

manchildminder wrote: »

Hi guys,

I'm 31 and with my bf just over a year, he's 28. We get on quite well and have met each other's families, used to work together so have a lot of people in common and he's my first "big" relationship. Before him it was just flings and short romances, nothing that ever really went the distance.

My problem is im at that stage where I'm thinking about the future - actively saving for it, thinking about buying a house, advancing my career, maybe marriage and kids down the line - and he just seems to be stuck in some sort of delayed adolescence. He still lives at home with his folks (when we met about a year and a half ago he said it was because his dad was unwell and mother asked him to move back in - his father has been fine for as long as I've known him), is bad with money and pretty much lives paycheck to paycheck. I make a fair bit more than him but that's not a big deal to me - even when I was on minimum wage I still managed to save a few hundred quid per month and that's what bothers me - he doesn't even try or think of it as important at all.

i'D come from a wealthier background than him and i wonder sometimes if his upbringing has influenced these behaviours - the family never had much money so didn't get in the habit of tucking some away for a rainy day or making future plans.

It's at the point now where I love him, but am so worried about how we move forward as a couple. We're beyond the early days of dating where it's dinners out and weekends away - I'd like to make plans bigger than that - EG I've been saying I'd like to do a big holiday next year - and I've no idea how the hell he'd be able to afford it if he can't get any savings together. So it's already impacting if just in small ways. I worry a lot about the bigger stuff and if we'll be compatible when it comes down to it.

Any time I mention this to him I'm a "nag" and he shuts the conversation down so I'm not really sure how to approach it. Has anyone else been through this or have any words of advice?

Thanks for reading xx

If the genders were reversed would there be a problem?
Perhaps if you two marry and have kids you will be going out working and he will be a house husband?
Why couldn't that work?
You love him don't you?
Does he have to earn as much as you or earn more so that you can choose to live at home with the kids if you so wished?
If that is the criteria for a future life together ask yourself do you put material.wealth ahead if genuine love?
If this is a deal breaker now then in years to come and you haven't found Mr Right and you missed the boat you will regret leaving him.
You have to do what is right for you.
You could have a wonderful life with this man if you overlook the material side of life.
Or you could dump him and meet a man who makes more money than him and that could work or perhaps not.
Up to you.

SusieBlue

rjpf1980 wrote: »

If the genders were reversed would there be a problem?
Perhaps if you two marry and have kids you will be going out working and he will be a house husband?
Why couldn't that work?
You love him don't you?
Does he have to earn as much as you or earn more so that you can choose to live at home with the kids if you so wished?
If that is the criteria for a future life together ask yourself do you put material.wealth ahead if genuine love?
If this is a deal breaker now then in years to come and you haven't found Mr Right and you missed the boat you will regret leaving him.
You have to do what is right for you.
You could have a wonderful life with this man if you overlook the material side of life.
Or you could dump him and meet a man who makes more money than him and that could work or perhaps not.
Up to you.

I don't think it's anything to do with material things.
It sounds like OPs boyfriend blows his wages every month with no regard for saving for a future. And I don't necessarily mean a future with her, I mean any sort of future, in regards to moving out of home.
For someone with little outgoings (lives at home) and a decent wage (working full time in a reasonably paid job) id also be very concerned if my partner had so little motivation to save.

fits

Financial responsibilty is REALLY important in a relationship as time goes on. Finances would be number one cause of marital strife and break ups id say. If you cant even have a conversation about it, it doesnt bode well im afraid.

freshpopcorn

The only thing I do know is lots of people can blow money when their in their twenties and have no savings but when the time comes around they can save mad for a few years to save for a deposit/etc when they have to.
If your boyfriend was from a poorer family growing up. Did he go to college/support himself through college? Just an example I knew a girl who saved money in her twenties but her parents payed her fees/car/insurance/rent and she used look down on people who didn't save.
Often people who don't have money growing up can take a few years to settle down once they start working.
I think it's something that ye'll have to talk about your future plans together. Some people are happy living relatively basically and raising families and others want big Summer holidays/etc. There's nothing wrong with either but you've to be on the same page.

cookiexx

you're just going to have to sit him down and have the chat and don't let him shut down the conversation.

Try not to be accusatory in your tone, frame it more like "I'd really like to talk about something that's been concerning me" instead of "you never.." or "you need to grow up" etc.

it may be like another poster pointed out, that he just needs encouragement. We all learn and grow in relationships and maybe he's not had good guidance on how to manage his finances so far. Or he may just be at a different point in his life given that he;s a few years younger.

Yellow pack crisps

After a year of a relationship i am not sure its any of your business how he chooses to manage or not his finances. I know if after a year if my Gf came to me about the way i choose to spend my money i would not be impressed. You are not living together and legally you are not bound together so i cant see why at this stage it would be something to bring up. On the other hand if you are the one paying for everything etc then yes its a problem. The real problem or issue you have is if your partner fits into the way you see your future and as a partner is he someone you can settle down with?

Being a male of 28 is not the same as a female heading into her 30's.

Carlos Orange

Has he said he would like to go on a big holiday next year?

jcco

I think your main problem is the lack of communication in your relationship. Has he told you where he sees the relationship going? Does he want to get married eventually and have a family with you?

I was in a similar situation to you, and same age when I met my boyfriend, who was just starting a business and living with his parents. He didn't have much money (or savings) and I earned a decent salary. Eventually I wanted to buy a house so I just bought one on my own, and my boyfriend moved in and paid me what he could towards mortgage and bills, etc. I wanted to go on a nice holiday so we both put as much money as we could into a little pot and booked a nice trip away. My boyfriend will probably not match my income in the near future but it really doesn't matter. He works hard and always contributes what he's got to our life together as a couple. We discuss money fairly openly and if I ended up supporting our family whilst he was a stay at home dad it wouldn't bother me at all because that might be the more practical solution when the time comes.

My point being that it's perfectly fine for a woman to earn more than a man and be the main breadwinner or sole earner as long as you are both on the same page about what you want.

I think you are more frustrated about his possible lack of interest in (or unwillingness to discuss) house, marriage or kids in the near future than the fact he's not a saver. Really if he wanted those things too he would be putting more of an effort into making them happen and supporting you in these decisions and plans.

It sounds like you two as a couple are not working as a team towards any common future goals and probably need to sit down and have a frank discussion about what you both want and if you see yourselves having/achieving the same things in the next few years.

If he starts calling you a nag again when you bring it up I would think about calling it a day and move forward with your plans by yourself. After a year you really should be able to discuss stuff like this.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the responses, they've been very helpful.

As someone else said, it's not anything to do with his earnings or the fact that I make more than him etc. It's that he's not mindful with money or investing anything in his future, which is something I've been doing all my life.

He definitely wants the house, the wedding, the kids etc. He'll often say to me "some day I'll propose to you" etc but tbh I'll nearly always shoot him down with "how are you going to afford the wedding?" which is not fair and hardly effective communication, but he seems to live in cloud cuckoo land about these things. It's "some day" to him despite not having a penny to his name at the end of the month, whereas to me, it's "in the next few years" as I have no intention of standing still for all of my 30s.

Maybe it is an age thing, I don't know. It might be that combined with poor money management. When I was 28 I wasn't thinking about these things in any big way, but equally I had a few grand in the bank and was actively adding to it despite not having a huge wage - I just can't conceive of NOT saving money, to me it just seems like a waste of time to work in a full-time job and just spend every cent you earn.

I guess I will just have to sit down and have an honest non-confrontational chat with him. Perhaps I haven't been a good communicator with this stuff - I can get overly emotional and probably haven't used the most constructive language to date. I'd love to be able to help him to set up a savings account etc but I'm equally fearful that it will be beyond him - this is a habit of a lifetime for him - or that we'll both grow resentful.

He does pay rent at home and it's definitely not a "free ride" for him, but I do worry about his lack of motivation to leave - or to even save for a deposit for a new place - and that this is going to reflect a general lack of motivation when it comes to the bigger decisions down the line. I need someone who can be a good partner in this way and that doesn't mean someone who makes more than me - it means someone who can be an equal in saving and building a life together. What kills me is he's a great partner in every other way and so good at researching and organising trips away or nights out or day trips etc for us. And he's the most loyal, loving and accepting man that I've ever met. I'm not sure at all that I could walk away from him, but at the same time I have to think about my future in a realistic way.

GingerLily

OP, I don't understand why you're calling him a man child? And even calling yourself a 'ManChildMinder'?

I think it's very disrespectful to your partner and I can't exactly see what your issue with your partner is apart from savings?

freshpopcorn

manchildminder wrote: »

"how are you going to afford the wedding?"

The only thing that makes a wedding expensive is the couple getting married decession to make it expensive!
I generally find if people want to be together their generally happy with a budget wedding because their marrying the person they love.

forestgirl

I think it might be a good idea to buy a barm brack and get the ring out and Wear it,you could pretend you are married,you seem in a hurry to get married.he sounds like a lovely man,be patient

JeffKenna

I dunno OP, to be honest you come across very condescending towards your boyfriend. Have you even asked him if he wants to go on this "big" holiday next year that you are telling him to save for?

Corvo

manchildminder wrote: »

i'D come from a wealthier background than him and i wonder sometimes if his upbringing has influenced these behaviours - the family never had much money so didn't get in the habit of tucking some away for a rainy day or making future plans.

I can tell you now, if any woman a year into a relationship me mentioned anything like the above comment to me, I would flip the lid.

Also the fact you come on here and have the username "manchildminder" shows an enormous amount of disrespect.

SarahMollie

Corvo wrote: »

I can tell you now, if any woman a year into a relationship me mentioned anything like the above comment to me, I would flip the lid.

Also the fact you come on here and have the username "manchildminder" shows an enormous amount of disrespect.

I'd like to think the OP has the good sense not to say things in those terms to her partner. I think people often come on here and write exactly whats going through their minds (which is fair enough - whats the point if your not honest?!) and sometimes that can come across as harsh.

I'll agree though, the username shows a level of disrespect. Also, you chose to get into a relationship with someone 3 years your junior, when its more normal for the age gap to go the other way. Its hardly surprising that he's maybe not quite at the same life stage you are.

LegacyUser

GingerLily wrote: »

OP, I don't understand why you're calling him a man child? And even calling yourself a 'ManChildMinder'?

I think it's very disrespectful to your partner and I can't exactly see what your issue with your partner is apart from savings?

I thought I explained quite well what the issues surrounding saving are. It's a big thing to me as it largely determines what kind of future you will have in a general sense. Not sure why you felt the need to belittle it to be honest.

The username is a random phrase I made up as opposed to "anon10123" or whatever else I could have chosen. It's a play on words, no more nor less.

I'm struggling to articulate these things and thought posting anonymously might afford me an opportunity to not sugar coat and figure out my feelings and perhaps get advice without any judgement.

freshpopcorn

manchildminder wrote: »

I thought I explained quite well what the issues surrounding saving are. It's a big thing to me as it largely determines what kind of future you will have in a general sense. Not sure why you felt the need to belittle it to be honest.

The username is a random phrase I made up as opposed to "anon10123" or whatever else I could have chosen. It's a play on words, no more nor less.

I'm struggling to articulate these things and thought posting anonymously might afford me an opportunity to not sugar coat and figure out my feelings and perhaps get advice without any judgement.

People here have given you their opinion. Were you expecting everybody to agree with you and say poor you, you won't get your big Holiday next year?
In general I always get doubtful of posters who posts get defensive when they don't get the answers they want.

GingerLily

manchildminder wrote: »

GingerLily wrote: »

OP, I don't understand why you're calling him a man child? And even calling yourself a 'ManChildMinder'?

I think it's very disrespectful to your partner and I can't exactly see what your issue with your partner is apart from savings?

I thought I explained quite well what the issues surrounding saving are. It's a big thing to me as it largely determines what kind of future you will have in a general sense. Not sure why you felt the need to belittle it to be honest.

The username is a random phrase I made up as opposed to "anon10123" or whatever else I could have chosen. It's a play on words, no more nor less.

I'm struggling to articulate these things and thought posting anonymously might afford me an opportunity to not sugar coat and figure out my feelings and perhaps get advice without any judgement.

You belittled your partner and I thought pointing out how hurtful the terms you've used are might be productive so you don't end up saying it to your partner.

LegacyUser

GingerLily wrote: »

You belittled your partner and I thought pointing out how hurtful the terms you've used are might be productive so you don't end up saying it to your partner.

I would never in a million years say something like that to him, that goes without saying or at least I thought it did.

I'm not "getting defensive" as much as I'm replying to a "don't see what the issue is" post immediately following quite a long and indepth post I wrote about what the issues actually are. Didn't really appreciate being dismissed out of hand like that. Can't see where I'm coming from, fair enough. But it's hardly constructive advice.

I also think it's unfair to assume I'm some sort of materialistic wench who only cares about her big holiday or big wedding. The reality is if my OH continues as he is he'll never be able to afford the things that are pretty common goals to many of us - a mortgage, a wedding, a holiday here or there. I'm quite good with money, always have been and I;m worrried about our future together because he isn't.

JeffKenna

manchildminder wrote: »

I would never in a million years say something like that to him, that goes without saying or at least I thought it did.

But the issue lies in the fact that you shouldn't be thinking of your boyfriend like. Relationships are built on mutual respect.

njs030

manchildminder wrote: »

I would never in a million years say something like that to him, that goes without saying or at least I thought it did.

I'm not "getting defensive" as much as I'm replying to a "don't see what the issue is" post immediately following quite a long and indepth post I wrote about what the issues actually are. Didn't really appreciate being dismissed out of hand like that. Can't see where I'm coming from, fair enough. But it's hardly constructive advice.

I also think it's unfair to assume I'm some sort of materialistic wench who only cares about her big holiday or big wedding. The reality is if my OH continues as he is he'll never be able to afford the things that are pretty common goals to many of us - a mortgage, a wedding, a holiday here or there. I'm quite good with money, always have been and I;m worrried about our future together because he isn't.

It's OK op you don't need to defend yourself it's anonymous for heaven's sake!

Maybe he isnt in the same place as you at the moment and it might be something you need to consider, it isn't a huge age gap but you're probably at different stages in your lives.
You haven't actually answered the many posters who've asked if he actually wants this big holiday, does he? Actually not everyone does want the things you mentioned so maybe you need to start off by making sure you're going down the same road rather than assuming.

SarahMollie

JeffKenna wrote: »

But the issue lies in the fact that you shouldn't be thinking of your boyfriend like. Relationships are built on mutual respect.

Come on, lets not be the thought police.

No one is perfect, not even the OP or her BF. We're allowed to see flaws in our partners, and love them anyway. Actually I think its healthy to see a person, warts and all and still love them, rather than operating under the assumption they're perfect.

JeffKenna

SarahMollie wrote: »

Come on, lets not be the thought police.

No one is perfect, not even the OP or her BF. We're allowed to see flaws in our partners, and love them anyway. Actually I think its healthy to see a person, warts and all and still love them, rather than operating under the assumption they're perfect.

I honesty don't get the impression from her posts that she does love him.

njs030

JeffKenna wrote: »

I honesty don't get the impression from her posts that she does love him.

This is a really annoying theme on here. Generally if people are annoyed about something they focus on that rather than singing the persons praises.....id guess if she's planning a future she loves him.

SarahMollie

manchildminder wrote: »

It's at the point now where I love him, but am so worried about how we move forward as a couple.

In her OP.

Also, if she didnt love him, I'm sure she'd just dump him over this and then she wouldnt have a problem.

JeffKenna

SarahMollie wrote: »

In her OP.

Also, if she didnt love him, I'm sure she'd just dump him over this and then she wouldnt have a problem.

I guess everyone has a different definition of what loving someone is to them but to me you can't love someone without respecting them first.

SarahMollie

JeffKenna wrote: »

I guess everyone has a different definition of what loving someone is to them but to me you can't love someone without respecting them first.

Really? That is so judgemental. I really don't think the OP came on here to have her relationship judged torn apart.

People arent perfect and we all have flaws - just because she's not blind to his, doesnt mean she doesnt love him.

JeffKenna

SarahMollie wrote: »

Really? That is so judgemental. I really don't think the OP came on here to have her relationship judged torn apart.

People arent perfect and we all have flaws - just because she's not blind to his, doesnt mean she doesnt love him.

Of course everyone has flaws but what you are describing is a situation where the OP sees her boyfriends flaws and loves him anyway. That is definitely not happening here. The whole thread is about wanting to change the boyfriend into someone he's not!

SarahMollie

JeffKenna wrote: »

Of course everyone has flaws but what you are describing is a situation where the OP sees her boyfriends flaws and loves him anyway. That is definitely not happening here. The whole thread is about wanting to change the boyfriend into someone he's not!

I hardly think so. Its really not uncommon for people to be a little careless with money in their 20's - it doesn't mean their destined to be like that forever.

I think the OP came here looking for tactics on how to address the issue and hear if others had managed to overcome similar challenges.

Carlos Orange

JeffKenna wrote: »

Of course everyone has flaws but what you are describing is a situation where the OP sees her boyfriends flaws and loves him anyway. That is definitely not happening here. The whole thread is about wanting to change the boyfriend into someone he's not!

People can come across that way here but I think it can be that it is difficult to get love across in words especially when they are here to talk about their issues not the bits that are working.

LegacyUser

SarahMollie wrote: »

I think the OP came here looking for tactics on how to address the issue and hear if others had managed to overcome similar challenges.

yeah just this really. Beginning to think this thread is pointless if how much I "don't seem to love" my boyfriend is all anyone wants to talk about. I seem to certainly have struck a nerve.

I'm an anonymous poster looking for relationship advice on a Personal Issues thread. So I'm going to talk about my relationship issue. Not how much I love him, which is what drove me here in the first place.

I love the man to death and couldn't imagine my life without him, which is why I'd like to get passed this issue and build a life with him where we can both be happy. Love can only take you so far when it comes to the practical things years down the line, financial compatibility is a big part of that. This stuff causes divorces. So I'm trying to figure out how best to approach the OH without us both resenting each other and it ruining the relationship entirely.

We've had the "future" talk, all I can get out of him is that OF COURSE he wants to marry me and have kids and have the house and all that. He just seems to have a disconnect between that and the practical things you have to do in life to work towards those things. And maybe it is age, i don't know. That's why I came here.

Neyite

manchildminder wrote: »

I'm an anonymous poster looking for relationship advice on a Personal Issues thread. So I'm going to talk about my relationship issue. Not how much I love him, which is what drove me here in the first place.

Mod:

Wot she said.

Can folks get back on track advising about the issue the OP would like advice on rather than reading into things that are not there? Thanks.

freshpopcorn

I grew up in a small bungalow in the country and never had a foreign family holiday and my parents had a very small wedding.
So whilst I would like to have the house/wedding/family/etc. I know it won't cost a fortune and others would want the big house/wedding and bi generally wouldn't connect with somebody like this!
P.S there's nothing wrong with either situation.
You'd just need to be in the same page about what ye actually want. Whilst I'd want the wedding/house etc. It wouldn't be to the standard that other people would want!

LegacyUser

OP, I think you think this is about money.

But your focus is too narrow, you cant see the wood for the trees.

He hasnt a notion of doing anything at all for years. He hasnt a notion of moving out, or even thinking about it, or saving in earnest, or proposing, or anything.

Hes only 28 and having a grand comfy time. Theres no hurry on him. Hes only been going out with you a year. Whats the rush? Him saying "I definately want to propose some day" is like me saying "I definately want a holiday home some day". It may happen, but on the long finger.

But you, like many women, have emtered your thirties and have started realising that you cant just mess about for another decade. Your fertility is a serious concern and you'd like to have put down roots before children.

This is a tale as old as time, especially in Ireland where a lot of men dont really seem to worry about the future till they hit 32/33.

The reason hes not saving for anything is because theres nothing immediate to save for.

So you basically have a choice - back off till hes ready, gambling that in a few years he WILL be ready; or decide that despite how nice he is you're too different in your outlook.

One thing is that it is true that after only a year, it is too naggy to be poking into someones finances. I got engaged relaltively quickly, on our 2nd anniversary of our first date, but I still did not at that point know what was in his account or what debts he had. It had been none of my business prior to that as we werent living together or sharing finances.

After the engagement we started to have some serious financial discussions which were not exactly sexy but they were appropriate then. Beforehand, When we were just dating, I dont think either of us would have been impressed by one saying to the other that they were juvenile with money. So go easy there and back off.

Also, a "big" holiday is a stupid idea - he hasnt got the funds. Go with a girlfriend if youre that keen to go off somewhere.

rjpf1980

manchildminder wrote: »

yeah just this really. Beginning to think this thread is pointless if how much I "don't seem to love" my boyfriend is all anyone wants to talk about. I seem to certainly have struck a nerve.

I'm an anonymous poster looking for relationship advice on a Personal Issues thread. So I'm going to talk about my relationship issue. Not how much I love him, which is what drove me here in the first place.

I love the man to death and couldn't imagine my life without him, which is why I'd like to get passed this issue and build a life with him where we can both be happy. Love can only take you so far when it comes to the practical things years down the line, financial compatibility is a big part of that. This stuff causes divorces. So I'm trying to figure out how best to approach the OH without us both resenting each other and it ruining the relationship entirely.

We've had the "future" talk, all I can get out of him is that OF COURSE he wants to marry me and have kids and have the house and all that. He just seems to have a disconnect between that and the practical things you have to do in life to work towards those things. And maybe it is age, i don't know. That's why I came here.

You answered the question yourself in your post.
Like you he wants marriage and kids and a future and but unlike you doesn't know how to go about it. He probably is going to be like this for the rest of his life. People don't change into something else.
You earn more than him and appear more practical and mature.
You love him but you think financial compatibility is a deal breaker down the line.
Going forward you are probably going to be in the breadwinner role while this man is going to be a house husband it seems.
That can work if you accept that water is wet and grass is green and this guy is probably going to be in the subordinate role in your relationship.
The other alternative is to leave him and find love elsewhere with someone else financial compatible.
For obvious reasons - if you want a house and kids and a future as a family - you want financial security.
You are probably not going to get it with this guy.
Do you want to give up happiness and financial insecurity as an occupational hazard for another relationship that is just as loving with financial security?
Or do you want to keep things as is?
Your call.
I think what you want has been clarified and what your options are have been clarified.
What you do is your call.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi there,

A bit late to this but your post struck a bit of a chord with me and I thought I'd respond.

About ten years ago I was a little bit like your boyfriend, similar age and attitude / behavior with money. I suppose, in hindsight, the future for me was an abstract sort of concept. I did have my own house and mortgage etc and associated bills and went on nice holidays. However, I earned quite a bit of money and never saved any of it.... For what it is worth, this has now changed, perhaps with maturity /resignation to being an older, settled person, and I have a family and regularly save quite a bit.

I was also going out with a woman a bit older than I was who I felt was 'nagging' me about the future (although not particularly about money). This went on for some time until one day we had a proper chat about it. She was about your age. She wanted kids, which was no surprise to me. What was a surprise was that she wanted them at a certain age, after buying a house, after getting married. Given her age, it meant, in order to meet this schedule she had, engagement was more or less required immediately and a wedding would need to be shortly thereafter. This brought it home to me that the future was not that far off and it sort of freaked me out. I also had a feeling that I had lost any control of my life as my entire future was being mapped out for me. For me, it crystallised that this was not for me and I said as much and we ended the relationship. We had wasted a few years and I would have said during those years that I also wanted marriage and children at some point in the future.

Anyway, not a very happy story perhaps, but just to let you know that a 28 year old man may be completely oblivious to the wish a woman may have to finish having kids by a certain age. In your case you are even further behind in that you need to live together for some time before you fully get to know this person. I would suggest you have the chat with him and try and paint a picture of what time frame you see on future developments in an ideal scenario. Not in a lecturing sort of fashion, but just in an informative way (eg is he even aware of increased risks of having children beyond 35, does he see marriage on the cards before children). You need to see his reaction to finding out that an engagement and wedding may not be just some idea for the distant future, but something with a time frame in mind. He may bolt like I did, unfortunately. But don't waste a few years hoping things will suddenly change.

LegacyUser

Dulchedeleche wrote: »

He hasnt a notion of doing anything at all for years. He hasnt a notion of moving out, or even thinking about it, or saving in earnest, or proposing, or anything.

Hes only 28 and having a grand comfy time. Theres no hurry on him. Hes only been going out with you a year. Whats the rush? Him saying "I definately want to propose some day" is like me saying "I definately want a holiday home some day". It may happen, but on the long finger.

But you, like many women, have emtered your thirties and have started realising that you cant just mess about for another decade. Your fertility is a serious concern and you'd like to have put down roots before children.

This is a tale as old as time, especially in Ireland where a lot of men dont really seem to worry about the future till they hit 32/33.

The reason hes not saving for anything is because theres nothing immediate to save for.

So you basically have a choice - back off till hes ready, gambling that in a few years he WILL be ready; or decide that despite how nice he is you're too different in your outlook.

One thing is that it is true that after only a year, it is too naggy to be poking into someones finances. I got engaged relaltively quickly, on our 2nd anniversary of our first date, but I still did not at that point know what was in his account or what debts he had. It had been none of my business prior to that as we werent living together or sharing finances.

After the engagement we started to have some serious financial discussions which were not exactly sexy but they were appropriate then. Beforehand, When we were just dating, I dont think either of us would have been impressed by one saying to the other that they were juvenile with money. So go easy there and back off.

Also, a "big" holiday is a stupid idea - he hasnt got the funds. Go with a girlfriend if youre that keen to go off somewhere.

Thanks for the replies.

This really helped to give me some clarity. Especially the part about him not being ready and not saving because he doesn't have anything to save for. Whereas for me, home ownership is a very big and immediate goal and obviously I'm thinking about marriage and kids to a certain extent too, being the age that I am.

I guess I underestimated the impact of the age difference. On paper it's two and a half years. I never thought it was a big deal. We just instantly clicked and I didn't give it a second thought. But I think in a way, I almost feel resentful of the fact that I have to think about and plan for these things, at least financially, alone at this point and not really have a partner to work with because he's not in that headspace. And obviously that's not his fault.

The poster who said the future is an abstract concept for him - you're so right. It was for me too up until I hit the big 3-0 and suddenly everything has gotten a lot more real. I'm not someone with a timeline, never was - "married by 30, babies by 32" etc, that's just not me. I don't want loads of kids. I don't want the big wedding. But I want to move my life along in a certain direction and I can't bury my head in the sand and expect these things to "just happen" sometime in the next few years when my OH can't even afford a sandwich at the end of the month because he's planning for nothing.

I'm not really sure where I go from here to be honest. I guess I have to have a chat with him about what I want and how real of a goal these things have to be for me. And see where his head is at. I've a feeling he'll do the "but so do I" thing and just not get it.

I'm not sure what this could mean for us. I truly love this man :-(

zephyro

manchildminder wrote: »

I'm not really sure where I go from here to be honest. I guess I have to have a chat with him about what I want and how real of a goal these things have to be for me. And see where his head is at. I've a feeling he'll do the "but so do I" thing and just not get it.

This, and at this point I think you also need to insist that he backs up his words with action. It's all well and good saying he wants what you want but from what you've said, he's not actually doing anything so far to back up his talk.

Carlos Orange

zephyro wrote: »

This, and at this point I think you also need to insist that he backs up his words with action. It's all well and good saying he wants what you want but from what you've said, he's not actually doing anything so far to back up his talk.

Insist seems like a terrible word to use. The important thing it I think is to discuss life as a series of actual physical practical things not dreamy aspirations.

I think the main worry moving into the future is differing attitudes to money. That's as huge a thing as different attitudes to sex or work or children or any of the biggies. If his attitude is always going to be easy-come-easy-go with finances, and the OP is always going to be the sensible planner carrying the burden of financial planning, it's going to cause trouble sooner or later.

It's not so much the fact that he's got no savings or financial planning, it's his attitude that would concern me.

All you can do is open a conversation in a very non-accusatory and conciliatory way and discuss the money issue, all the internet advice in the world isn't a match for talking it out, the two of you.

Be careful of adopting the character of 'the parent', advising 'the child' on what they're doing wrong though.

homerjay2005

jcco wrote: »

I think your main problem is the lack of communication in your relationship.

i dont think so....what the OP describes (people with low ambition, poor with money and not thinking about the future) is very common in life. i know alot of people, both male and female, who are like that - the OP could have all the communication in the world and her BF still wont change. the fact he is living at home at 28, is a sign of his ambition in life - he has none.

its modern Ireland unfortunately where the general attitude is "erra it will be grand". sometimes you get relationships where there is one person like that (as is the case here), some relationships where both people are like the OP and then some relationships where both are like the BF on this example.

i think ultimately, some of these people will never change in this respect, it doesnt matter if he is 28 or 38, some people are just never good with money, lacking ambition and it doesnt matter if he is male or female.