Could it be over???

trixychic

Ok so here's the story. Me and my OH (other half) have been together for 8yrs. We have 2 children (ages 7 and 4) and we have lived together for the past 8 yrs.
We have had issues in the past and have been to counselling many times to sort it. But the problem is... well it's still practically the same for the past many number of yrs.

So history is I went through a very rough patch in my life. After our first was born I had memories come back to me of when I was assalted as a child. I got severe depression for many years and OH basically stayed off work and we went on the dole to keep me... well sane. That was 7 yrs ago. In that time I've been on meds and counselling and I am rid of the depression. I am ready to move into the next chapter in our lives.... but OH isn't.

In the past 7 yrs he hasn't had a job. I even took up the mantle and worked for a few yrs but it's harder as I still have anxiety disorder. It's easier for me to be the stay at home parent. He does clean up around the house and cooks but he never leaves the house. He's not depressed (trust me I've been down that road ALOT) but he just never wants to do anything. He went from a rugby player to being obese in this time. His waist is 42" and we don't have alot of money to keep him in clothes (his often rip cause they are just too tight).

Now I have told him that I need him to change and move on with the family. I want him to get a job and lose some weight. I'm not talking ripped body, just a bit healthier. We've fought about these 2 topics so many times over the last few yrs. I'm sounding like a broken record. Every time we fight he says he's sorry and promises things will change. And they do... for about 2 wks and then he gives up.

I honestly think he intends to change and do better but never follows through. Now I know I love him... but I'm beginning to wonder. Is it enough??? I'm tired of having no money. Tired of him sitting watching sports all day. Is this my anxiety or could it be time to end it??

Irish_Elect_Eng

Perhaps I am being a little severe, but when you needed him he quit his job and supported you to keep you sane and now when he needs you, you are bailing because he is fat and unemployed.

If the sexes were swapped in your story and it was a guy asking if he should leave his stay at home partner because she was fat and unemployed after she had cared for him, the response would be immediate and vicious.

Esel

trixychic wrote: »

He's not depressed (trust me I've been down that road ALOT)

You may think that, based on your experience, and it's OK that you think that. It doesn't make it true.

Think about it.

My washing machine stopped working. Before it stopped, it made a funny noise. It was the pump / filter whatever.

Your washing machine also stopped. The noise was different, so it couldn't be caused by the same thing.

I know, because I was there when the technician fixed it (for me).

Your problem is different. Not the same as mine at all.

It may be a power supply issue, I don't know. But, based on my limited knowledge, it's not the same as my problem.

I don't have a problem anymore.

tl/dr Your washing machine is not the same as their washing machine.

Penny Tration

Hey OP, glad you're through the worst of your depression, well done.


I can understand the frustration of him not having worked for 7 years.

However, a few things stuck out to me. You mention his weight piling on, and how he just doesn't want to work. You say he's not depressed but has he actually been assessed by a psychiatrist?


I think you need to ask him how he feels and listen to him. If he's depressed, telling him off about work and his weight isn't going to help!


The other thing I noticed is that you say it's easier for him to work and you to stay home because you have anxiety. I'm sorry if this sounds rude, but anxiety shouldn't prevent you from working, and it's not an excuse to stay home and expect him to work and provide all of the support again. That said, if your anxiety makes work difficult then of course you should seek help for it.


I think you need to talk to your partner and also suggest he talks to a GP. You may not think he's depressed, but there's every chance he could be. Sounds like he's the one needing some support now.


Good luck OP

Taltos

OP it really does sound like your OH needs some help and assistance right now.
Like the others here you have frankly no way of knowing if he is depressed or not, and there are also a whole range of other conditions that this could be aside from depression.

I do hope you haven't called him on this, telling him he's not depressed etc, if he is or if he's lost those few words will have hurt more than pretty much anything else you could say to him. Encourage him to talk to a GP or get a referral to someone else. It's easy for me to say but being supporting of his when he needs you is pretty much what he did for you and if you both work on this together in the right way there is no reason why your relationship can't be all the stronger once you come out the other side.

trixychic

Thanks guys for the replies. I suppose to address the depression. In no way have I ever said to him he wasn't. On the contrary. I've asked him to speak to his gp, said to him many times he should see a psych. Even in couples counselling with the counsellor I suggested that he may be suffering from depression. He denied it there and the counsellor sided with him. He is adamant that he is not depressed. I don't know what else to do. I know that just because he's not depressed the aT I was doesn't mean he doesnt have it. But if he won't admit it himself then there is little I can do.

He has supported me so much. More then I could have dreamed. This is one of the main reasons I love him. He is so kind and caring. He really is amazing. But if he refuses help, refuses to do anything... how long do I have to keep talking with him, working with him, begging him, fighting with him all the whole he does nothing.

I love him. And I trust him which is a huge thing as I don't even trust my own parents. The thoughts of leaving him is unbearable. But I'm at a loss as to what to do. How do I help him through this??? What ever it is.

As for my anxietys, I'm on meds, and I see a psych every few months and my gp once a month. I worked for 2 yrs and it was disastrous. OH didn't cope very well here at home. And I couldn't keep working while I was worrying bout what was goin on at home. We tried that route but it just didn't work. He admitted that to me himself.

trixychic

I even asked him again if he thinks may be he is depressed last night. Not in an agressive way, I always take a calm, open and encouraging approach with it. I know how difficult it can be. He still denys it.

Big Bag of Chips

You have to consider the fact that he might just be lazy. I know you went through a very bad time, but did you need him to not work? Did you ask him? Did it become obvious that you couldn't cope, or did he just volunteer to give up work to stay with you? It's just usually a big decision to give up a wage and decide to live on the dole. How much thought and discussion went in to it?

I think he is now probably afraid to work? He's been out of the workforce for so long maybe he feels he can't compete. He could be thinking he has lost whatever skills he had and the thoughts of putting himself forward for positions might just seem daunting. Some people just don't have the motivation to work, or lose it after a length of time. Being in a job and staying in it is easier than being out of work for 7 years and trying to get back in to it. It takes a lot of work, energy and effort to put yourself out there and no guarantee of being offered a position. It's easier and safer to just not try.

I think you are going to have to try a different angle with him here. From what you say he doesn't appear to be depressed, but he does appear to be just drifting along. I think the time has come to issue an ultimatum. If he can't cope as a stay at home parent that allows you to work to earn money, then he has to get back to work. He can't just check out of everything and expect others to carry him through life. Yes, he was good to you when you needed him. But you've also been good to him. You now need to pull together to both move on from this. Just because he was good to you years ago doesn't give him a free ride for the rest of your lives.

In saying all that you can't change him. Your children are school going age now. You can get a job yourself, start building towards your future, with or without him. If you're gone to work in the mornings then he will need to get up and get the children out to school, do breakfast, make lunches. He will need to go collect them from school. If shopping needs to be done leave him a list and tell him he needs to get it. This is not being unfair or bossing him. It's what most couples do where one stays at home. You're making everything too easy for him. Your children are big enough now to not need much minding as in they're not babies who can't fend for themselves. If they're hungry they'll tell him! Regardless of whether or not your relationship is going to end, you need to start building a future for you and your children, and that's not going to happen with both of you on the dole. Go back to work. Let him stay at home, and whatever he does or doesn't do during the day you will just have to work around. If it ends up that you have to do all shopping, homework, housework etc, then so be it. You'd be doing it anyway if you were a single parent. So maybe by seeing how things go you can decide whether or not being a couple or separating is for the best.

LegacyUser

You can't change him. No amount of nagging will ever do it. You have to change the situation yourself. You're not happy and you've every right to be disillusioned with the situation. He's burying his head in the sand here and it's what people do (sorry but it's a thing men have a habit of doing more so) to avoid change, which takes taking a long hard look at themself and making the change which only they can do. And what you need to do is remove yourself to let him do that.
How are you both living if neither is working? Can you afford to move out? If you can do so for a while it would be good. I'm sorry but I've experienced it too much myself and from seeing friends situations, to know that the only way to change something is to actually remove yourself and make the changes you need yourself, and give the person the space and the time to do the same fro themselves. Now sometimes they may not change at all and even let themself go more, but sometimes the scare they get from seeing they will lose you jump starts the action needed and they gain a new focus and drive. But you are not responsible for him. Only yourself and your kids. Do what you need to do. Let go of nagging and the complaining, it is draining the life out of you and him, and finally just let go of him. Not in a bad way, just change the focus off him onto yourself and do what you can do to change the situation that doesn't involve trying to change him.