Not sure if I'm really connecting with people

LegacyUser

Hey, I'm in a new job and am getting on good with all of the people. I can make them laugh and have good conversations and I fancy one of the girls. However, up to recently I am just having doubts about whether they care much. I told them my issues with anxiety and mood problems and I do worry that they look at me differently. Some of the guys don't laugh as they used to, that being said I could just we'll be unfunny at the moment. The girl and I got on great and we still do but she seems to laugh more around the other guys like she used to to me.

I also seem to take things very personally. The girl was tidying up and I made a joke and she didn't give much of a response. Like I know she considers us friends but does she really care all that much? Like the rational response would be that she was just tired or had her own problems.

One of my co workers has reassured me that the group all like me very much but I guess Im a bit in disbelief. Maybe I'm an attention seeker or expect far too much. Like I feel slightly insecure when one of the guys is more louder and extroverted around others than me. It's like he is showing a different side to me and then a different to others. Objectively, I know that maybe I'm making a big deal over nothing, but when is job ends I want to keep touch with these people and my oversensitive psyche convinces me that when someone doesn't respond or talk to me like they do to other people then they perhaps dislike me.

Apologies for the grammar and punctuation and I welcome any thoughts. Thanks.

gercoral

WOuld you consider yourself socially anxious?

Like you said, you're in a new job, starting off. There's plenty of time to get to know everyone. People are perhaps still a llittle wary but don't take it personally. With time, things will fall into place.
When I started in my current job about 7 years ago, I too was the quiet, studious one. The one who always kept her head down, wouldn't say boo to a fly. Now I'm a different person..like over time, I gained more confidence, more responsibilities. dont be so hard on yourself. let it develop

LLMMLL

Your whole post suggests that you see interacting with people as making them laugh, being extroverted, to the extent that you seem to want to be the funniest and loudest.

It's possible that it comes across as very overbearing and intense to people. Maybe they don't find you funny.

Do you ever have conversations along the lines of "oh hi Marie, how was your weekend........oh really that sounds fun.......Blah blah blah" without inserting jokes and trying to get a laugh? Because that's a perfectly acceptable conversation.

Also, it sounds like you've asked at least one person does the group like you. That's pretty much guaranteed to come across as needy and desperate. Sure it would be nice if people didn't judge others for moments of insecurities but in the average irish workplace it's pretty much guaranteed.

Big Bag of Chips

You seem to worry a lot about whether other people care. I can tell you now, they don't. I don't mean that to sound mean or hurtful, but the reality is most people are too busy worrying about themselves and how they are coming across to care all that much about others! You are there to work. And to get along with your colleagues. Sometimes strong friendships can grow in a work place, but like anywhere else it happens over time and naturally. People there longer will naturally have a better relationship with each other than somebody who has only recently joined. That's natural. In time you will be there long enough to just fit in perfectly and will maybe have formed one or two good friendships with like minded colleagues. But you are not going to be best buddies with everyone. That just doesn't happen.

I think you are probably coming across as a bit over powering and maybe you are trying too hard and others are picking up on that. You have anxiety issues so advising you to "just relax" would be like asking you to just climb Everest next weekend! But in the long run that's what you need to do. Just relax into the work place, do your work, join in conversations but don't treat them like a competition or popularity contest. Sit back and listen more than you contribute. As someone wise once said "we have 2 ears and one mouth"! If you're obviously desperate for people like you and fit in it ends up having the opposite affect and makes people take a step back a bit. You don't have to be the class clown! You don't have to be the entertainer, you just have to be someone that people feel comfortable around and happy to go on lunch with! I can promise you, after 5:30 not many of them are thinking about you. And they're not thinking about each other either. They're gone home to their real lives!

LegacyUser

gercoral wrote: »

WOuld you consider yourself socially anxious?

Like you said, you're in a new job, starting off. There's plenty of time to get to know everyone. People are perhaps still a llittle wary but don't take it personally. With time, things will fall into place.
When I started in my current job about 7 years ago, I too was the quiet, studious one. The one who always kept her head down, wouldn't say boo to a fly. Now I'm a different person..like over time, I gained more confidence, more responsibilities. dont be so hard on yourself. let it develop

A little anxious I guess. I should add that I have had this job for 4 months so it is new but I have settled in. Like I am getting on with people I guess I just look for attention too much.

LegacyUser

LLMMLL wrote: »

Your whole post suggests that you see interacting with people as making them laugh, being extroverted, to the extent that you seem to want to be the funniest and loudest.

It's possible that it comes across as very overbearing and intense to people. Maybe they don't find you funny.

Do you ever have conversations along the lines of "oh hi Marie, how was your weekend........oh really that sounds fun.......Blah blah blah" without inserting jokes and trying to get a laugh? Because that's a perfectly acceptable conversation.

Also, it sounds like you've asked at least one person does the group like you. That's pretty much guaranteed to come across as needy and desperate. Sure it would be nice if people didn't judge others for moments of insecurities but in the average irish workplace it's pretty much guaranteed.

I think I do desire to be extroverted because I am not sure I like where I am on the spectrum. It's very possible that people are bored or just slightly irritated by my presence at this stage. I am planning on having more simple conversations but not to rely on humour but use it to enhance the conversation.

I should probably add that I didn't ask the person whether the others like me but they told me because it's their role to make sure my mood is okay. That being said I think I can be needy. I don't know really, I am just afraid that if If I'm not an extroverted or funny person then people will just find me boring.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You seem to worry a lot about whether other people care. I can tell you now, they don't. I don't mean that to sound mean or hurtful, but the reality is most people are too busy worrying about themselves and how they are coming across to care all that much about others! You are there to work. And to get along with your colleagues. Sometimes strong friendships can grow in a work place, but like anywhere else it happens over time and naturally. People there longer will naturally have a better relationship with each other than somebody who has only recently joined. That's natural. In time you will be there long enough to just fit in perfectly and will maybe have formed one or two good friendships with like minded colleagues. But you are not going to be best buddies with everyone. That just doesn't happen.

I think you are probably coming across as a bit over powering and maybe you are trying too hard and others are picking up on that. You have anxiety issues so advising you to "just relax" would be like asking you to just climb Everest next weekend! But in the long run that's what you need to do. Just relax into the work place, do your work, join in conversations but don't treat them like a competition or popularity contest. Sit back and listen more than you contribute. As someone wise once said "we have 2 ears and one mouth"! If you're obviously desperate for people like you and fit in it ends up having the opposite affect and makes people take a step back a bit. You don't have to be the class clown! You don't have to be the entertainer, you just have to be someone that people feel comfortable around and happy to go on lunch with! I can promise you, after 5:30 not many of them are thinking about you. And they're not thinking about each other either. They're gone home to their real lives!

Thanks for the reply, I think I needed to hear something like this.

robbiezero

NotsurewhereIamgoingwrong wrote: »

Hey, I'm in a new job and am getting on good with all of the people. I can make them laugh and have good conversations and I fancy one of the girls. However, up to recently I am just having doubts about whether they care much. I told them my issues with anxiety and mood problems and I do worry that they look at me differently. Some of the guys don't laugh as they used to, that being said I could just we'll be unfunny at the moment. The girl and I got on great and we still do but she seems to laugh more around the other guys like she used to to me.

I also seem to take things very personally. The girl was tidying up and I made a joke and she didn't give much of a response. Like I know she considers us friends but does she really care all that much? Like the rational response would be that she was just tired or had her own problems.

One of my co workers has reassured me that the group all like me very much but I guess Im a bit in disbelief. Maybe I'm an attention seeker or expect far too much. Like I feel slightly insecure when one of the guys is more louder and extroverted around others than me. It's like he is showing a different side to me and then a different to others. Objectively, I know that maybe I'm making a big deal over nothing, but when is job ends I want to keep touch with these people and my oversensitive psyche convinces me that when someone doesn't respond or talk to me like they do to other people then they perhaps dislike me.

Apologies for the grammar and punctuation and I welcome any thoughts. Thanks.

Seems a strange thing to be telling work mates after only 4 months in the job.

LegacyUser

robbiezero wrote: »

Seems a strange thing to be telling work mates after only 4 months in the job.

I have bonded with these people outside of work and we are quite close. Granted I may have told them a bit early but I was asked about something and I responded with my issues. Like I personally wouldn't talk about it but if someone asks a question I feel that I have to answer honestly then I will talk about it. I feel if I didn't then it would be stigma. I do feel my timing sucked and maybe I'm a bit too open about my problems, but I do not want to stigmatise these issues.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

ivytwine

One thing that I don't think anyone has brought up (apologies if I'm wrong) is that the workplace isn't necessarily the best place to make friends anyway.

Don't get me wrong, it's brilliant to get on with people and have fun over lunch etc, and I'm lucky that I'm in a situation where that can happen.

But I've forged plenty of workplace friendships over the years and only a few have endured- and not to the level of my friendships outside of work. Oftentimes when you or the other person leave the workplace, you find the job is the only thing that was tying you together. I would try and work on enduring connections outside of work, and look at friendships in work as a nice bonus.

You mention liking a girl too... Romantic entanglements are a minefield in a working environment...

As you may have guessed, I like to keep my work and personal life separate. I have anxiety issues too and I wouldn't tell anyone in work. As I see it, it's none of their business. I know you want to de stigmatise it, which is brilliant, but I'd be honest, I wouldn't disclose *any*medical issues to my colleagues. It's none of their business.

It's too blunt and robotic to say that there's no room for bonding in a work environment, but you're *primarily* there to work.

LegacyUser

FizzleSticks wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I should probably add that I'm 19 and it's a summer job. The job wouldn't be a typical 9 - 5 job and so it demands that I spend time even outside of work. I know that sounds vague but I don't wish to elaborate as I wish to remain anonymous. I might not be great at the job but I take it seriously and I am able to leave these matters until later in the day. There are people in the group who are very close already. Like me and my friend got on great at the start but now she doesn't laugh much and it's sometimes hard to converse.

I will admit that I am needy and clingy. I decided to give her space but am messing that up. Sometimes I won't make eye contact. I will ease on the humour and just have normal conversations and ask her questions and listen. Frankly I'm jealous of how she gets on with another guy. However, as I said, I take work seriously and am not interested in pursuing her. As of now I just want to maintain a healthy friendship with her and others, because I'm insecure that my abilities to do so are good enough.

LegacyUser

ivytwine wrote: »

One thing that I don't think anyone has brought up (apologies if I'm wrong) is that the workplace isn't necessarily the best place to make friends anyway.

Don't get me wrong, it's brilliant to get on with people and have fun over lunch etc, and I'm lucky that I'm in a situation where that can happen.

But I've forged plenty of workplace friendships over the years and only a few have endured- and not to the level of my friendships outside of work. Oftentimes when you or the other person leave the workplace, you find the job is the only thing that was tying you together. I would try and work on enduring connections outside of work, and look at friendships in work as a nice bonus.

You mention liking a girl too... Romantic entanglements are a minefield in a working environment...

As you may have guessed, I like to keep my work and personal life separate. I have anxiety issues too and I wouldn't tell anyone in work. As I see it, it's none of their business. I know you want to de stigmatise it, which is brilliant, but I'd be honest, I wouldn't disclose *any*medical issues to my colleagues. It's none of their business.

It's too blunt and robotic to say that there's no room for bonding in a work environment, but you're *primarily* there to work.

Not sure if it makes a difference but I'm 19 and in a summer job. As for the girl, I'm not interested in pursuing, I am struggling to improve/repair our friendship.

In terms of the mental illness, my own policy was this: I wouldn't project it to the world on the rooftops, but if someone asked me why my hands are red (I have ocd) then I would answer honestly. I knew these people fairly well as we spent lots of time together so I felt comfortable, I'm just concerned whether they see me differently. I don't really care for gossip, because if they are gossiping and making fun of my struggles then they probably aren't worth hanging out with. If I decided to keep the ocd to myself then I felt I would be stigmatising it. That being said I mean no disrespect to you, not everyone would agree with the way I did it and not everyone is going to be willing to tell friends their problems in an instant and we have to respect that.

As for the job, I find it hard but am taking it seriously. I discipline myself, I put my worries and thoughts in a box and take them out later. It's just the people outside of work bit that bothers me.