Husband wants to stay friends with one night stand

LegacyUser

Hi. Long story short we've been married for quite a while and had (I thought) a strong relationship. I was diagnosed with bipolar a year ago after a bout of mania requiring hospitalisation. This was obviously hugely stressful for my husband.
I thought I was back to normal and we were happy but he has been very stressed. He then slept with some random woman a few months ago, told me the next day. He showed me long conversations via text he had with her the next day detailing all of my problems and how unhappy he was as well as conversations about music etc. I couldn't read them all it made me feel so sick. I asked him to delete her number, he was reluctant as it was unprotected sex and he said she may need to contact him if she was pregnant.
We had been talking and doing ok until He recently brought up the topic again saying they had been texting re music films etc and he wanted to stay friends as she was a good person and has the same interests as him. She is significantly younger than him.
I said I felt very hurt by this, that there was an attraction there and it was asking for trouble. I said he doesn't even really know this person and is she worth the upset?etc etc. He cannot see my point of view and vice versa.
I can't exactly throw stones either in that I had a one night stand many many years ago for no reason that I can fathom bar having drunk my body weight in alcohol. I did not tell my husband at the time as I was too cowardly and afraid of losing him although he knew what I had done. He now says that he feels I am being unfair as he was not as hard on me as I am being on him.
@ enough. We have an appointment for counselling but it is not for a months time. How do we get over this impasse?

Paddy Cow

He is being completely out of line. It's one thing to admit he had a one night stand and it was hurtful enough for him to show you all the texts where he talked about your personal circumstances but to insist that he keeps in contact with her as a friend is just taking the p!ss. He has no respect for you or your relationship.

DukeOfTheSharp

Two wrongs don't make a right, and keeping that infidelity thing in his back pocket, only to bring it out later and possible use your bi-polar disorder as an 'excuse' is sickening. If he knew and forgave you, that doesn't mean he gets to act like his infidelity and the continued communication is ok - the two aren't comparable; mainly because you don't excuse what you did, but he has. That's not ok, and that's incredibly crappy. Regardless of your past, it's in the past, and since this isn't about you then he shouldn't be bringing it up. Sounds like he's just using these events as ammo to excuse himself. I think it might be best, OP, if before your counselling you simply don't live together or communicate for a while. This is causing you undue levels of distress and you don't need that.

batmanrobin

Wow! I'm almost speechless at the fact that he thinks it's okay. It is completely disrespectful, and I dare say cruel, for him to think it is in any way okay for him to remain friends with this women. A woman he was stupid enough to have unprotected sex with.

If I were in your shoes, I'd be showing him the door, I'd be feeling that hurt and betrayed.

As you said yourself, is she really worth him causing this upset. I find it worrying that he thinks she is.

I think some couples counselling would be beneficial. However, if he's going to chose a one night stand over you, then you may have to make a hard decision.

Big Bag of Chips

Personally, I think he is having or at least considering an affair. There is really no other reason he'd want to stay in touch with her, or she him. I think by flagging it with you he's being sneaky and putting the onus back on you. Because if you "allow" it, and out of it he realises "he can't help himself" and "feelings just developed" etc etc then all personal responsibility is gone.

Having a one night stand is one thing. Telling the one night stand intimate details of your marriage and your problems is another (and maybe understandable, if you're trying to justify why you're cheating) but then continuing a "friendship" is on a whole other level. I would wonder if this friendship isn't already blossoming, along with a romance between them?

Toots

To me this sounds like an emotional affair that got physical. They may have had a ONS, but if he's still talking to her, it's heading towards affair territory. Him throwing your previous indiscretions in your face and using your illness as a reason why he did this is horrible. He says he was not as hard on you as you are being on him - did you keep in touch with the person you slept with? did you disclose a load of personal information about your husband to this person? did you have a relationship with this person?

Look, I know a lot of people will say cheating is cheating, but there's a difference between drunkenly shagging someone, and forming relationship with someone. He is/has formed a relationship with this other woman. The fact that he can't see how this isn't ok to continue is worrying to say the least. Is there any way at all that you can get a counselling appointment sooner?

dudara

I honestly think this is a full-blown affair on his part and not a one night stand. And I think it's completely and utterly disrespectful to you.

Im not sure what counseling will do here as a lot depends on where his head is at, and if he's ready/prepared to listen. Somehow, I don't think he is. If so, a short sharp shock, such as being asked to leave the family home, might be what's required.

Idle Passerby

It reads to me that he's setting up his exit. If you stand for this it's only a matter if weeks or months til he informs you he's in love with her and leaving you.

Having said that, I think youve already lost him, he's already checked out of your marriage so all I think you can do is stand up for yourself, dont accept this treatnent and be the one to walk.

Ursus Horribilis

Toots wrote: »

He is/has formed a relationship with this other woman. The fact that he can't see how this isn't ok to continue is worrying to say the least.

Or you could argue that he knows it's not OK but isn't going to admit it. Instead, he's taking advantage of your fragility to continue with this friendship/relationship/affair and continue living at home. Some support he is when you're struggling...:rolleyes:

Sorry to say but I get the impression he sees some sort of potential future with this woman and that's why he won't cut contact.

tara73

omg, I have the impression it's getting worse and worse with the topics here on RI...

Plain and simple, he's asking you for the agreement to have an affair. I can read you are not ok with this. He's also trying to blackmail you and justifies his plan because you cheated years ago. This behaviour is childish and manipulative.
I also don't know if the counselling would help if he's in the mindset to confront you honestly with such a plan.
It's somehow beyond grasp, but as almost everything here, for me the conclusion would be to show him the door and start the seperation process.

LegacyUser

I don't know what to do. I am physically sick with it all. We had been talking things through up until this week when he tells me they have had chatted again recently via text, apparently about films etc. I don't think he is consciously thinking of cheating but I do think there is something between them, I think he feels "well I let her off with hurting me, why is she being hard on me" and I suppose my fear is that this girl may be all too willing to be a shoulder to cry on and more if he ever gets down again. I think part of him has doubts about it being ok as he said he had deleted the thread (&she also changed his phone code after showing me the initial thread). I have her number and was very close to texting her last week to ask her to please not contact him again, but I think she would just tell him & he would go mad. Would she listen to me? We can't bring forward appointment as counsellor is away. I think I am going to look for some support for me next week. I love him and I believe him when he says he loves me but I am afraid.

screamer

A good person does not have unprotected sex on a ONS with a married person OP.

Id agree your husband is already emotionally out of your marriage. It depends on how desperate you are to save the marriage personally id never forgive my husband but thats just me. From experience with friends it's better if you leave than be left at least you'll be in control and not turmoil.

Smondie

I asked him to delete her number, he was reluctant as it was unprotected sex and he said she may need to contact him if she was pregnant.

If he deletes her number she can still contact him.

Toots

Smondie wrote: »

If he deletes her number she can still contact him.

This exactly. I mean if he'd gotten a text saying "I'm pregnant" how could he be in any doubt as to who the sender was?

Also OP, has he gotten himself tested for STIs? He's admitted to having unprotected sex with another woman, so this is something that will need to be dealt with if ye do manage to reconcile and begin having sex again.

Loveinapril

OP, it very much seems like your husband is emotionally abusive/ controlling here. He slept with someone else, yet you are the one who seems to be feeling guilty and upset about it. He is rubbing it in your face by maintaining contact with this woman. Even telling you she could be pregnant is so hurtful to you. You seem to be allowing for it because of your health issues and past infidelity but YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS. How can you move past this if he is unwilling to give her up? Even if you had her number, do not contact her. All of your issues here are with your husband.

dudara

He is seeking justification / validation from you for this relationship. By telling you, he is managing to justify all this internally to himself. He's probably not even consciously or deliberately doing this. People can do the funniest things in relationships.

It's a house of cards and it's going to come crashing down eventually.

My advice is the same as before. Don't hang around, as by default this will continue to let him feel OK. Deliver a strong message to him and make sure you carry it through.

Don't contact her either. She's actually irrelevant to this, even though she's right in the middle of it. This is between you and your husband