My therapist broke up with me

LegacyUser

That sounds like an interesting way to explain things, but it's fairly accurate. I had been seeing her for almost two years. Recently things had stagnated somewhat for various reasons. We were working on a really tough subject for me (past trauma) and I was finding it difficult to explain my thoughts accurately. Having spoken to her supervisor and my psychiatrist, they advised that as she was having doubts about her ability to bring me forward and make more progress, that it wouldn't be ethical for us to continue working together.

I totally get it and totally understand why she ended things. I'm not even angry. I'm sad.

It came out of nowhere. A few weeks ago we decided that we would give it a few sessions to see whether progress could be made. And I genuinely felt that progress was made - I was incredibly open about a past trauma, and I was willing to go further into things.

She went on holidays for two weeks. She spoke to my psychiatrist before she went. I saw my psychiatrist in that time, and whilst the psychiatrist mentioned that the therapist was suggesting a different path for me, when I explained things she said that she'd be happy for me to continue working with the therapist. Not once did she say that the therapist was ending things in our next session.

So she just landed it on me in our session yesterday evening. I was crushed. I cried and I pretty much haven't stopped crying since.

I accept her decision. I understand that there are two people in this relationship, and if either of us have doubts about it then it's not a productive process.

But I would have liked some fore-warning. A heads-up. So that I could arrange something for the coming weeks. I did a lot of thinking while she was away, thinking about things I wanted to work on. Things I wanted to achieve. I even had a goal of leaving therapy - it was on my list. Recognising when it's time to go, and how to say goodbye.

Instead it ended abruptly out of nowhere and I feel ridiculously stupid for crying at her last night. It genuinely knocked me - she had even recommended books for me to read while she was away (self help books) for ideas for when she got back!

I'm sad. I'm tired, grumpy and don't want to do life today. I just want to go for a walk, clear my head and have a cry. But I don't think that my boss would appreciate that!

Paddy Cow

Op that reads more like you being devastated because your girlfriend broke up with you out of the blue. Perhaps your therapist felt you were too close to her emotionally and as hard as it may seem now, she made the right call.

orthsquel

OP I hope you're doing better now than how you felt earlier today.

It is possible that perhaps that your therapist couldn't offer you the heads-up because maybe they just didn't know for certain themselves until your last session, or that they were preparing you before their holiday in organising you with self help books.

I don't think you have anything to be feel bad about in crying in front of your therapist or even feeling like crying since - maybe it shows that you are processing that emotion and like the end of any relationship, it's healthy to cry and to let your emotions flow. But you have no reason to feel stupid for crying in front of them, especially as you have been working together for two years and to you, it came as a shock.

TherapistBreakUp wrote: »

I did a lot of thinking while she was away, thinking about things I wanted to work on. Things I wanted to achieve. I even had a goal of leaving therapy - it was on my list. Recognising when it's time to go, and how to say goodbye.

Well I would recognise that as something healthy and productive that you have goals! Just because therapy has ended with that therapist doesn't mean you just tear up your goals, you can still work towards these and work on issues and what you want to achieve, even if it would be with a different therapist, but the goals for you should be the focus as well as issues you want to work on and have been working on. The long term goal of leaving therapy, moving on and letting go from it (with all the benefits of the help you have got) are still there, the path towards it has just changed slightly, that's all.

LegacyUser

Paddy Cow wrote: »

Op that reads more like you being devastated because your girlfriend broke up with you out of the blue. Perhaps your therapist felt you were too close to her emotionally and as hard as it may seem now, she made the right call.

Oh I know that ultimately it was the right call. I was very emotionally involved and it was something that I flagged with her recently and we were progressing through. My issue isn't that she called time on it. It's the manner in which she did it. I knew I needed to move on, but I would have liked to have had the opportunity to get something in place before I did.

Some of what I was working through was really tough and related to a previous sexual assault that I had never disclosed before. In a previous session (maybe 2 ago?) she questioned whether I wanted to report it, and said that she would support me if I did. I was to think about it.

I thought about it, and I went yesterday with the intention of asking for her help in reporting the incident. However before I could get the words out, she said it was our last session.

I would have liked to have the opportunity to find someone else to continue the journey while I still had a support network in place. I'm not sure whether you have ever had a crisis relating to your mental health but a Friday morning is not the ideal time to get in touch with GPs and psychiatrists. Had I known in advance that I would be stressed I could have put things in place.

And maybe it does read like I feel like she was my girlfriend. Not the case though - I just trusted her in ways I had never felt possible before with anyone, and was progressing well.

orthsquel wrote: »

OP I hope you're doing better now than how you felt earlier today.

It is possible that perhaps that your therapist couldn't offer you the heads-up because maybe they just didn't know for certain themselves until your last session, or that they were preparing you before their holiday in organising you with self help books.

I don't think you have anything to be feel bad about in crying in front of your therapist or even feeling like crying since - maybe it shows that you are processing that emotion and like the end of any relationship, it's healthy to cry and to let your emotions flow. But you have no reason to feel stupid for crying in front of them, especially as you have been working together for two years and to you, it came as a shock.



Well I would recognise that as something healthy and productive that you have goals! Just because therapy has ended with that therapist doesn't mean you just tear up your goals, you can still work towards these and work on issues and what you want to achieve, even if it would be with a different therapist, but the goals for you should be the focus as well as issues you want to work on and have been working on. The long term goal of leaving therapy, moving on and letting go from it (with all the benefits of the help you have got) are still there, the path towards it has just changed slightly, that's all.

Oh I will try to continue to work through the goals. It will just take time and some creative thinking. One of the incidents that I was working through occurred when I was a child, and with child protection laws as they are now, me disclosing this event to anybody new would likely result in them being obligated to report it. Which is understandable, but not something I can allow to happen. So I need to tread very, very carefully. The therapist I had been working with made a judgement call on not reporting it when I disclosed to her (due to circumstances that I don't really want to get into).

I don't feel bad for crying. I just wish I could have articulated some of what I'm feeling and some of my concerns more effectively without crying. I let my emotions take over and missed crucial time to clarify certain situations.

I'm just gonna miss her is all. I know it's ridiculous but it feels like a grieving process.

neemish

It's not ridiculous at all - it is a grieving process.

TBH, I am very surprised that she announced it was your last session. Usually, you're supposed to have a series of sessions leading to the ending of the therapeutic relationship. Even if you both agreed to it, it would be the done thing to have a proper ending.

twill

God, OP, that sounds pretty brutal and I can't understand her rationale for doing what she did at that particular juncture. I get the impression that maybe she felt the implications of (potentially) not reporting the assault were more than she was prepared to handle at this time? I don't know, but the mention of ethics suggested it to me.

I don't at all blame you for taking it hard under the circumstances, but I think you have a good attitude to it all. Good luck, hopefully this setback (troublesome as it is) will be a relatively minor upset in the context of how far you've come.

_Whimsical_

Aww OP I'm so sorry to read this as I'm sure it's very painful for you. This does occasionally happen in any therapy but it sounds like your therapist has done it with no finesse at all. It would be normal practice to allow someone to adjust to that news over a few sessions and allow you time to find someone else. That is a reflection purely on your therapist though and not at all on you. You never know, maybe your story triggered something in herself that made her feel she was not best placed to help you anymore. Either way I'm sure there's someone better and more professional out there for you. It sounds like you have made good headway and that you're poised to make more. Do your best to hang onto that thought and to those gains. I really hope you're feeling a bit better by now and that you'll find a replacement very soon. Anyone would be upset after an experience like that, be good to yourself, make sure you tell your next therapist about this experience too so they'll understand it might take a little time to build trust and so they can explain they're policy on handling issues like this.

LegacyUser

neemish wrote: »

It's not ridiculous at all - it is a grieving process.

TBH, I am very surprised that she announced it was your last session. Usually, you're supposed to have a series of sessions leading to the ending of the therapeutic relationship. Even if you both agreed to it, it would be the done thing to have a proper ending.

Yeah, it's not the fact that it ended. I knew it needed to end and I was planning on discussing it with her. Mainly so that I could have a plan in place to have a support network or something.

It was the manner in which it ended.

She also suggested that I might benefit from DBT, which isn't available in my catchment area, and when I tried it previously it stressed me out. She agreed that DBT might not be the right step for me but never suggested an alternative.

twill wrote: »

God, OP, that sounds pretty brutal and I can't understand her rationale for doing what she did at that particular juncture. I get the impression that maybe she felt the implications of (potentially) not reporting the assault were more than she was prepared to handle at this time? I don't know, but the mention of ethics suggested it to me.

I don't at all blame you for taking it hard under the circumstances, but I think you have a good attitude to it all. Good luck, hopefully this setback (troublesome as it is) will be a relatively minor upset in the context of how far you've come.

Unlikely to be that. It was her that raised the possibility of reporting the incident. It was something that I was very apprehensive about.

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

Aww OP I'm so sorry to read this as I'm sure it's very painful for you. This does occasionally happen in any therapy but it sounds like your therapist has done it with no finesse at all. It would be normal practice to allow someone to adjust to that news over a few sessions and allow you time to find someone else. That is a reflection purely on your therapist though and not at all on you. You never know, maybe your story triggered something in herself that made her feel she was not best placed to help you anymore. Either way I'm sure there's someone better and more professional out there for you. It sounds like you have made good headway and that you're poised to make more. Do your best to hang onto that thought and to those gains. I really hope you're feeling a bit better by now and that you'll find a replacement very soon. Anyone would be upset after an experience like that, be good to yourself, make sure you tell your next therapist about this experience too so they'll understand it might take a little time to build trust and so they can explain they're policy on handling issues like this.

This is what I'm leaning towards. Perhaps it was too close to the bone for her. But it is something that we discussed and she was happy to bring me there. The issue, from what I can gather, is that she no longer feels that she is the best person for me.

Surely though that is up for me to decide!!! It took a while to get comfortable enough to be open about everything. I don't think I will get that comfortable with a therapist again.

And with regards the next therapist... Jury is still out. This has kinda left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. Hopefully I can get through to my psychiatrist next week to discuss the next step. Also, she might be able to give me some insight into why the therapist ended things as she was speaking to the therapist between my sessions with her.

Moscitoo

You have to understand that therapists are humans and have limitations. It's normal for a therapist to talk to their supervisor and decide they are not up for the task and that perhaps you needed better support. As a result of that they could decide to end or refer. Perhaps the therapists was quite new and out of depth.

I don't know the full story but I find hard to believe she left you without ending sessions. You seem quite attached to your therapist, perhaps this is why she ended the therapy to break the attachment pattern. Are you being a bit harsh on them?

It's probably healthy for you to take responsibility and find someone new to discuss the hurt and I would recommend you shop around for good therapist because it's about a good fit. You did well for two years and it brought you to talk about the trauma etc which is a huge part of your process.

It's always recommended to change therapist after a while so you get better insight into your life.

It's a challenge to move on, but it's okay to be sad because you are grieving.

LegacyUser

Moscitoo wrote: »

You have to understand that therapists are humans and have limitations. It's normal for a therapist to talk to their supervisor and decide they are not up for the task and that perhaps you needed better support. As a result of that they could decide to end or refer. Perhaps the therapists was quite new and out of depth.

I don't know the full story but I find hard to believe she left you without ending sessions. You seem quite attached to your therapist, perhaps this is why she ended the therapy to break the attachment pattern. Are you being a bit harsh on them?

It's probably healthy for you to take responsibility and find someone new to discuss the hurt and I would recommend you shop around for good therapist because it's about a good fit. You did well for two years and it brought you to talk about the trauma etc which is a huge part of your process.

It's always recommended to change therapist after a while so you get better insight into your life.

It's a challenge to move on, but it's okay to be sad because you are grieving.

There were no ending sessions.

We had a break while she was on holiday. Before she went, we scheduled a session for when she got back, and she suggested a few things for me to do/read/think about while she was away. She spoke to my psychiatrist.

While she was away, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist where we discussed continuing therapy with my current therapist, and whether it was still productive. My psychiatrist agreed that it would be beneficial to continue for a short while more and then to let things conclude.

I went to our session on Thursday to be told it was our last session. There were no discussions of endings.

In terms of her speaking to her supervisor, I am fully aware that is the normal process.

I don't have an issue with her wanting to stop working together. I understand her side of things. It was the manner in which things ended that I am frustrated with.

Am I attached? Perhaps. But I don't think that I am the first person to become attached to a therapist. Particularly when we worked together for so long. My attachment to her was something I was very open with her about, and as it is a problem that impacts my day to day life in terms of forming attachments with people, we decided to use my attachment to her as a safe relationship to figure out what happens for me when I form attachments. We were working on that.

Can I get over this? 100%. In time I'll get over it. But I think it will be a while before I can get over the way in which I was treated.

As someone who struggles with low self esteem and low self worth, it really damaged my self belief that I deserve to be happy.

To compare it to a physical illness. For example, say I have diabetes. I've been taking diabetes medication for years. Then suddenly the drug disappears into thin air and I don't have a replacement because I don't know what brand of insulin suits me best.

Am I being harsh? I'm not sure. I personally don't think so, but I can't really look at the situation objectively. I'll try to touch base with my psychiatrist and/or GP this week to decide on the best move going forward for me.

Feel

No, you are not harsh.

TherapistBreakup wrote: »

Some of what I was working through was really tough and related to a previous sexual assault that I had never disclosed before. In a previous session (maybe 2 ago?) she questioned whether I wanted to report it, and said that she would support me if I did. I was to think about it.

I thought about it, and I went yesterday with the intention of asking for her help in reporting the incident. However before I could get the words out, she said it was our last session.

TherapistBreakup wrote: »

... I just trusted her in ways I had never felt possible before with anyone, and was progressing well.

It needs trust to let a past horrible trauma surface, trust that was taken away with trauma and you trusted her and then she left you alone and down. That is unfair and unprofessional in my view.

You deserve a therapist who believes you and is not unable to cope and will work with you together through your inner conflicts. Send you hope.

Neyite

I'm wondering if your therapist had a personal crisis or job issue unrelated to her clients that might have necessitated moving on quickly? That's what it feels like to me.

Her supervisors doubted her ability to delve deeper into the tough stuff and guide you through it. She had some doubts too. She could have been applying for jobs elsewhere and had to jump quickly without notice, or maybe clashed once too often with her supervisors over her work.

It's not right that she moved on abruptly with no handover in place - that I think you should write to the organisation about and point out the impact on patient care. You seem quite able to be logical and pragmatic about it despite the personal setback it's caused you but I'm sure that there are patients that maybe were in the midst of critical sessions or that might not be in as good a place mentally as you are, so it might be therapeutic as well as useful to write a letter of complaint.

I hope you get your therapy sorted soon. Would the Rape Crisis Centre be of any use to you?