Aversion to kids

LegacyUser

Hi all, any opinions would be welcome.

So I'm a woman in a long-term relationship at an age when most people are having kids. When I met my partner which was a significant length of time ago he said he didn't want kids, at the time I said I did & I stressed it was important to me. TBH I thought he didn't really mean it, I thought that most men don't get as excited at the prospect of kids as women. We are now coming to an age where we probably should have child if we are going to have one, fertility I'm sure is going south and I have no desire to be an ancient parent. The problem is I have little real desire to be a parent, I more feel I should have one in the next couple of years so I don't regret it in later years but I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm surrounded by people who make having a baby look like a living hell. I need quite a lot of sleep and I can't imagine going into a relatively stressful job without a good night's sleep behind me. Then there's the cost of it all, all the feeding and changing and laundry, the never being able to go anywhere by yourself. The whole thing is just really unappealing but at the same time I vaguely worry I'll regret it.

I also feel I have lost a very very close friend to obsessive motherhood which I'm a bit upset about. I don't expect to be her priority, of course her baby comes first but I would like if we could on occasion meet up without her child who is now a grand healthy toddler who could easily be left with his father for a couple of hours while we have a cup of coffee and a catch-up. I'm not talking every week or anything, once every four months would do me to be honest. I've never once met her without her child since she had him. She has never-ending anxiety about the child which I guess it just a thing some people have but it's exhausting to listen to, and to put it mildly uninteresting in the extreme. The tone of our conversations has changed as well, her child is her number one priority but it seems out of proportion to any other priority including her husband, and I am at times left feeling like my worries just aren't as important because I don't have a child.

So I don't know overall I guess I'm feeling a bit isolated and wondering if I should just talk to my other half about jumping on the bandwagon and having a child like everyone else! But I feel to talk him into it I'd have to really really want one and I'm just not in that headspace, so I'm asking him to make what he might consider a huge sacrifice for me when I'm on the fence. I'm also wondering if I'm silly to assume that once he has a child he'll be so in love with it that he'll never miss his child-free life, he might well end up resenting me.

Overall I'm a bit lost, any advice especially details of similar experiences welcome.

LegacyUser

Please don't have a child op. You have serious issues (from valid points) around the whole child thing and the worst thing you could do is create a new life just in case you regret it. Look you don't want kids. That's ok!!! Don't do it just because... It's way more important than that and resentful parents don't make good parents. Enjoy your life as you have it and leave the parenting to people who really want it.

LegacyUser

Sorry to be blunt, but he doesn't want a kid, you had vague fluffy notions that you might want one, you find everything to do with kids boring and potentially intruding on your day to day life ... so why on earth would you think that it's a good idea to have one?

Sounds like you're just insecure with not having kids, and will wonder what people will think. Forget that, and get on with your life! Child free means more money, more freedom, less awful tasks re nappies, schools etc. If you decide that the horrible grind of all that is overwhelmingly outweighed by having a kid, well then go for it. If not, well then you're doing a disservice to yourself, your partner, and any future kid.

Ask yourself why you really want a kid. Of if you really do.

SarahMollie

I think sometimes in life we judge ourselves by the standards of those around us, that may or may not be reflective of broader society. Your friends are clearly going through that clucky phase but its not like that for everyone. I'm not fussed particularly about having children. I think most of my friends will, but one girl (married to a friend of my OH) definitely doesn't, and its something we chat about sometimes. Its nice to feel like you're not the only one who's just not totally obsessed with babies. Is there anyone in your life who isnt on the baby train?

Secondly, you have to accept that friendships ebb and flow over time and thats normal. Its possible that you and this woman are going to take different paths and ultimately have less in common.

Finally, I think that if you're only "on the fence" and driven more by the pressure to fit in rather than a genuine desire for children, then getting pregnant would be a very bad idea. Couple this with the fact that your OH has been clear and consistent about not wanting them, then it becomes a crazy idea.

Follow your gut, not the crowd.

jennyhayes123

You don't have to have kids. Follow your gut instinct.

Dolbert

If it's not for you, then it's not for you. There's nothing wrong with building your life around a child-free future. Your partner has been very forthright about his desires, so I guess you have to ask yourself if you want motherhood badly enough to sacrifice this relationship and start over with someone else?

I had no idea what to expect from parenthood, at all. As it turns out I've been lucky enough that I've found motherhood very enjoyable and a relative breeze (don't shoot, martyr mammies!) and haven't experienced the anxiety and obsessiveness from which nobody is immune tbh. A lot of it comes down to the level of support available, the temperaments of both parent and child, and the sleeping habits of the latter! It's all very much luck of the draw.

Idle Passerby

I thought this post was going to be one of those where one partner desperately wants kids and the other doesn't. Neither of you wants kids so I can't think why you would go against both your desires and have them.

So your with a man who has always said he doesn't want kids. Presumably if you decided that you did it would mean leaving him to find someone else. But your not that pushed to have kids yourself so it would be a flimsy reason to end what I presume is a relationship your happy in.

It seems redundant to idly speculate on whether or not you should have kids when you don't have a partner willing to have them with you. I think you know yourself what kind of life you want and youve apparently been happily living that life thus far. Its only societies ideas about what you should want from life causing you to ponder now. You already know what you want.

ibarelycare

It would be far worse to have a child and regret it, than not have a child and regret it. Don't choose to have a child just in case you regret not having one in years to come.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to have children. For me, the thought of having children compared to my childfree life as it is, is pretty much hell. I do sometimes have fleeting thoughts of the regret I'll feel when I'm beyond child-bearing age, but it would be a terrible, selfish and unfair reason to have a child.

Sunny Dayz

Hi OP I can understand to an extent where you are coming from. I'm probably about the same age as yourself, at the stage where friends are pairing off, marrying, buying/saving for a house etc.
I haven't felt broody (well not yet). I never thought growing up, oh I'd like x number of kids. I just assumed that it would kick in at some stage and now in my early 30's there's still nothing making me want to try for a kid other than it's probably expected of me by other people.


From your post, you say that you stressed to him when you met that it was important that you have kids in the future. If it was that important to you, you in your heart, would be wanting to have kids. However your post comes across that you feel you should want to have kids, jumping on the bandwagon as you've referred to it, rather than wanting them in your own heart. It's ok to not want kids, or to not know whether you want them or not. You're not the only woman to feel like this.

batmanrobin

OP, there are too many unwanted and unloved children in this world. Please do not add to their numbers.

Your OH doesn't want kids. You sound like you really don't either. You absolutely cannot bring a child into this world "just because". No child asks to be born so you better make damn sure you really want one and that you have what it takes to be a parent.

In my opinion, parenting is an incredibly tough job and it never ends!! You'll be a parent until the day you die.

Please think long and hard about this. And for the love of god make sure, if you do decide to do it, that it's because you and your OH truly want it and know you actually have something to offer a child.

LirW

I have an aunt, she's in her early 50s and together with her SO for 25 years (they just got married recently) and they both decided against having kids. I have a son, 6 years old and whenever I visited her we were talking about this topic from our different points of view and we always understood the other side very well. A child never fitted in their lifestyle, they both work quite demanding jobs, they have a high living standard and they just were too selfish to give that up for kids. And I think this is a point that is 100% fair. She doesn't hate kids, it's just not for her, she says it's nice having them around but it's even nicer to hand them back after a couple of hours. I admire her because she is an incredibly smart and self-confident woman and not less of one because she doesn't have kids. They go on regular trips in the wintertime for several weeks, why would they want to give that up? Because society tells you to do so?

I think we should move away from making women to justify for their decision of being childless. It does not define you. Yes, you will miss the experience of being a mother, but you'll have many others in return. And look around you, the experience of motherhood is not necessarily good for everyone.
Your partner was very consistent and clear about this topic. I guess you just have to take your time and re-assort your mind, because the pressure from your environment is a huge factor why you ask yourself if this is the right thing to do (and I'm quite sure you know the answer already).

I wish you all the best.

batmanrobin

LirW wrote: »

I have an aunt, she's in her early 50s and together with her SO for 25 years (they just got married recently) and they both decided against having kids. I have a son, 6 years old and whenever I visited her we were talking about this topic from our different points of view and we always understood the other side very well. A child never fitted in their lifestyle, they both work quite demanding jobs, they have a high living standard and they just were too selfish to give that up for kids. And I think this is a point that is 100% fair. She doesn't hate kids, it's just not for her, she says it's nice having them around but it's even nicer to hand them back after a couple of hours. I admire her because she is an incredibly smart and self-confident woman and not less of one because she doesn't have kids. They go on regular trips in the wintertime for several weeks, why would they want to give that up? Because society tells you to do so?

I think we should move away from making women to justify for their decision of being childless. It does not define you. Yes, you will miss the experience of being a mother, but you'll have many others in return. And look around you, the experience of motherhood is not necessarily good for everyone.
Your partner was very consistent and clear about this topic. I guess you just have to take your time and re-assort your mind, because the pressure from your environment is a huge factor why you ask yourself if this is the right thing to do (and I'm quite sure you know the answer already).

I wish you all the best.

It's not selfish to not want children. It's not selfish to live your live for just you and/or your partner.

It's not about being too selfish to give something up. It's about knowing yourself well enough to know what you can and can't do.

LirW

batmanrobin wrote: »

It's not selfish to not want children. It's not selfish to live your live for just you and/or your partner.

It's not about being too selfish to give something up. It's about knowing yourself well enough to know what you can and can't do.

That's her own words though I'm not judging but she said it like that (She has a loose mouth and is a cynical one)

LegacyUser

So many replies, thank you all for taking the time.

I know it may possibly sound like I'm a silly teenager who wants the cool handbag or whatever to fit in. The reality is I'm starting to feel very very isolated from my friends and so is my partner, in both cases the friends involved are long-term known since school or in some cases college friends. My partner goes to the pub with the lads about once a quarter at the most and whilst it used to be banter with the lads he said the conversations are now dominated by talk of kids. It's not really about what society expects its about our own social circle. I do feel that a lot of people including my friends don't really think life is worth much without kids. I have a friend who was one of the kindest, considerate people I knew pre-baby, now she is kind just to the baby. Her family who pre-baby she was very fond of are now mainly talked about in terms of what they do or rather don't do for her child, she gives out that they don't look after him often enough etc., it's suddenly like everyone's worth is mainly measured by what they can do for her child. It's very hard to have a conversation with someone when you feel that they view your life as not as important as theirs as you aren't responsible for kids.

I know some people might say "make new friends" but in reality it's hard to make very close friends past a certain age, and I don't want to be stuck hanging out with other childless people because that's all we have in common.

I have this idea that I couldn't possibly not love a child once I actually have one. I did meet a man once randomly who was drunk and said he regretted having kids. Due to my own situation I asked more questions, I was curious as to whether he'd planned them, he had and so I asked what's the problem?! He said he does love them and showed me a picture but at the same time regretted having them??! One of the things he mentioned was that he resents spending his Saturdays in a swimming pool with kids.

From our conversations on the subject I know my partner would have a child with me if I said it's this or nothing. But that would be very strange as well, we'd be the couple going for scans where the man isn't interested. What if I had a bad pregnancy and he had to help out, would he be thinking well I don't want this anyway you brought this on yourself.

I'm curious as to why people that have kids had them, is it because you think they are cute, wanted to create more family members. And those without why not?

Then I think what if my partner died, I won't have other immediate family whom I'm close to (they'd probably be dead by then). What would I do at Christmas?!

Sorry I'm rambling thank you for reading!

December2012

I love being a parent to two children. Knew I wanted to do it, and was delighted when I met my other half who also wanted children. We are very happy and the kids are great. We have a lovely life.

However.

That is because it's what we both wanted. It is hard and expensive having children. It takes up time, energy and effort. When they're young the children take priority over everybody, me, my spouse, my own friends and family.

I think that people who don't have children can have equally amazing and fulfilling lives. In my family, the couples who don't have children enjoy time as couples, seeing their friends, going on amazing holidays and spending time with other adult members of the family.

Please don't feel you "should" want to have children, it's not for everybody.

Have your amazing and fulfilling and fun a spontaneous life and enjoy yourselves.

orthsquel

OP tbh it sounds to me like you've been thinking about this a while in your head but not necessarily to your partner.... I think really you and your partner need to have a fresh talk about having children and discuss in depth if you both want to have one or not.

I personally don't think you should feel pressurised to have one just because everyone else is having one. Perhaps a fresh discussion with your partner will give you assurances whether this is the right decision or not for you personally and you in your relationship. However I don't think it is healthy to look at being a parent as something to do just in case you might regret not having children if otherwise you're not too keen.

From the general gist I think the people/friends you have around you are giving you a particularly unhealthy perception of what being a parent is about. Specifically I wouldn't get too hung up on what 1 person said while drunk about regretting being a parent.... all parents can have a moment when they moan about being a parent, how tiring it is, how much they miss out on, how "lucky" you are without kids, etc and some after a few drinks may even say they regret or resent the time they spend with their children instead of doing something for themselves (which is an issue that particular individual had with themself not the children).... but it doesn't mean you should base a decision for yourself and your partner on a random drunk and their drunk talk or the idle moaning of a parent which might be the 1% they say in a day that is negative about being a parent against the 99% of other things they didn't mention that are positive.

I think you should ignore what people are saying to you right now and especially what other people are doing. You and your partner need to have a discussion about children, probably several conversations really, and see where you both are on the issue.

If you think parenting is total doom and gloom, maybe you could engage other parents outside your social circle to get a more balanced perception and especially talk to maybe other couples who did decide to not have children, or parents who have finished rearing their children and if they have regrets.

RhubarbCrumble

Childfree heroes wrote: »

Of course it is selfish. You are looking after yourself and self only. I hate this being trotted out all the time.

Raising children is bloody hard work, every day. We do it because we have to. If no one did, as a race we'd be ruined.

I'm sick of these childfree "heroes". Looking after yourself, and yourself only, deserves no acclaim.

I have to say reading your post here, you come across as someone who had children purely because it was expected of you. You sound quite bitter about the fact that you have to raise children and quite jealous of those who don't.

You say that 'raising children is bloody hard work' and you do it because you 'have to'. But why did you 'have to'? If you WANTED to, fine, but 'have to'?

There's nothing selfish about looking after yourself and choosing not to have children. What is selfish is having them when you don't really want them and making their life hell. I know this because it's what I went through as a child and is one of the reasons why I am very unlikely to ever have any myself.
Anybody who has made a deliberate choice not to have children has thought it through long and hard and generally has a very good reason for making that choice. There is absolutely nothing selfish about it.

tea and coffee

I know it probably feels like you're left out /missing out when you're chatting with friends and your dh too in the pub etc as you mentioned. But that will pass too as their kids get older, and the conversations will change again. ebb and flow as someone else said, above.
If you don't want kids, and neither does your partner, then embrace that

Addle

I don't want a child/children of my own, and it's not because I want to protect some extravagant lifestyle or I don't like them. I have a very simple life.
And just because I don't care for my own children, doesn't mean I don't care for anyone.

OP, you will end up finding friends who have made the same choice, or find themselves through no fault of their own, in the same situation as you and your partner. It's important that you do.
I'm still good friends with my friends with babies/young kids, but their social life understandably diminishes when they're at that stage. If you want to socialise with others, you have to make an effort.
You're not the only child free couple. Far from it.

twill

Absolutely do not have children for any other reason but a real desire to do so. As Addle says, there are much better ways of connecting with people. I would love to have had a family, in spite of the hell that growing up as one of several children in a one-parent family could be at times, but bad health may have put the kibosh on that. Doesn't mean I won't find meaning in other things, though. Maybe I'll be in a position to foster one day. Hopefully I'll have a satisfying career and travel a bit or settle in the country and grow things. You really need to find out, as a couple, what your priorities for the future are and work from there.

If you do find that you have changed your mind and want a child, of course you need to address that. But take social pressures out of the equation first.

bp

OP your friends children will start to grow up and conversation SHOULD move beyond them. I have two children and I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I love kids, always have. That said it is hard. I work very hard to hold onto a little bit of me. When I am with friends with children we chat about them (a lot) but when there are people in the group without children I work very hard to discuss other things.

You have to do what is right for both of you and ignore everyone else. I definitely miss the freedom, money, sleep etc

Let's remember we are here to give advice to OP, not attack people with other points of view. This is not a pro or anti child debate
cheers

lazygal

Doc McStuffings wrote: »

No one regrets having children. They may regret their loss of freedom, but having a child is an experience like no other. To me, and maybe all parents, it is the meaning of being alive. You won't understand until you are a parent, but don't talk about things you know nothing about.

<SNIP> I am quite sure many people regret having children.
I have two. I don't really relate to the mega broody feelings other people have. Being a parent is great but equally other life choices are just as good.

OP i think the best advice really is to talk to yr partner about this and then see where you both are coming from. It doesnt sound like either of you has a particularly strong urge towards parenthood- of course that doesnt dictate how youd be as a parent after the fact, but it does strike me as very telling.

Ursus Horribilis

[Deleted User] wrote: »

OP i think the best advice really is to talk to yr partner about this and then see where you both are coming from. It doesnt sound like either of you has a particularly strong urge towards parenthood- of course that doesnt dictate how youd be as a parent after the fact, but it does strike me as very telling.

I think you should talk to him even if you've not made up your own mind. You don't come across as someone who wants a new handbag but a person who's afraid that she's going to miss out on something.

Nobody can say for sure whether you and your partner would turn into doting parents if you had a child. Maybe if you tease it out between the two of you, you might find some answers. Whatever you do though, please don't bring a child into the world unless your partner says he wants to be a daddy. Parenthood can be hard enough sometimes even with both parents on board. Having an unwanted child has the potential to damage not only your relationship but your child.

batmanrobin

OP, I know you say it's hard to make friends past a certain age, and it is, but it's not impossible.

Some of my closest friends have very small children and they're usually present when we meet. It's tough to have a proper convo and, while I love the kids, hearing about all the mundane things they've done isn't as thrilling for me as it is for their parents. But that's part and parcel with friendships.

In the end I realised I needed to make additional friends and I did. They are childless but that's not what drives the friendships. It's the hobbies etc that we have in common. I didn't replace my old social network, I just added to it.

Streifi

Hi op.

I know you said you don't fancy being ancient parent but apart from that if you're worried about fertility (and likely rightly so) have you considered egg havesting? Yes it would mean ivf in the future but it would also give you a few or however many years to decide whether you want or don't want kids with your fertility from today. I know if I hadn't met my hubby or had kids in my early 30th I would do it to leave me with a definite choice for the next 10years...

LegacyUser

I think a lot of people are being harsh to the OP, and I believe a lot more than they would admit have felt the same about kids until they had them and then the choice is obviously gone so they can't feel ambivalent about the subject. How many have sort of gone through the motions of having a child as its the next thing that's expected, or because one half of the couple was into it? I'd say it's more common than we know because it's not something people admit to readily. When people are given the choice about such an important thing, which in the past was less of a choice because there wasn't as many contraceptive choices, sex before marriage wasn't as accepted, women were sort of expected to have children etc, then it creates a lot of anxiety over what is the right choice, if that person isn't terribly maternal in nature.

I feel the same about kids, I keep putting it off as its not something I'm very interested in but the natural biological clock aspect of being a woman means you need to decide one way or another. I think for me I am willing to risk putting it off til I'm late 30s when I have more achieved and more money. And of it doesn't happen then, or if I feel the same then it wasn't meant to be and I just have to accept that.

Merkin

The personal swipes and nastiness stops here.

Snoopsheep you have received an infraction for a number of now deleted posts which were offensive and not at all constructive.

Batmanrobin, the tone in your deleted post won't be tolerated.

Doc McSnuffings, you may be going anon but you're certainly under our radar. Your vitriolic post in response to a fellow poster was deleted. Don't post in this thread again.

Everyone else; constructive and civil posts only.

LegacyUser

I know that you get to a certain age and it seems that everyone around your is in a couple/getting married and having children. To me a child should be wanted by both parents. I have seen to many children being brough into the world and no one caring about them. A child will not put together a relationship that is on it last legs either.

The reality is that having a child will change both your lives. You also have to consider the cost of bring up a child and this is over a min of 20 to 25 years due to college. Also ask yourself how would you cope if you child had health issues or had problems as they grew up? I know couples with strong relationships and this pressure nearly ended things for them.

At this stage you need to chat to your partner and tell them how you are feeling. If you want a child you need to be honest about this. If you are only having a child becuase every one else is, your getting pressure from family or because your expect a child to mind you in your old age do not have a child.

Not every couple has a child or not every couple wants a child. From what you have told us you are not one of these woman who always wanted a child. Your partner told you a while ago they are not keen on having children either. Do not have a child unless you both really want one other wise long term it could be a bad decision for you all.

jopax

Hi op,

I have to admire your honesty about your feelings. I'm sure there are a lot of women out there thinking the same way as you but don't talk about it.
IMO whilst you are definitely not ready to have a child now, it doesn't mean you have to rule it out completely, things can change including your feelings.
A lot of what you are thinking are your fears which doesn't always equate with reality.
Sometimes life just takes turns your not expecting, keep an open mind.
Having kids is great, also very tough going too a lot of the time.
Then again life can be very tough with or without a child.

Augme

Anonforbabytalk wrote: »

I know some people might say "make new friends" but in reality it's hard to make very close friends past a certain age, and I don't want to be stuck hanging out with other childless people because that's all we have in common.

If you had a kid it sounds like that's all you'd have in common with your current "friends" though.

borderlinemeath

I never post on this forum, but this topic feels very familiar to me.

OP, I'm in my early 40s, have been with partner for 16 odd years, we were always fairly ambivalent about having children, we have a great life, loved our freedom to holiday/socialise on a whim. It really didn't matter to us whether our friends had children or not, there was no peer pressure on us to have children as we had made it clear that we weren't pushed. We viewed our child free life as a bonus, we were financially comfortable while friends of ours with children struggled and cut corners.

Then probably when it was too late for most, we decided that maybe there was something missing in our lives and that we were ready to have a baby, so I get pregnant at 41, quite scared about the prospect of the unknown, but the big fear for me was the responsibility for caring for another human being, the selfish thoughts of how life would never be the same and just a general fear that I'd fail miserably at being a parent.

Fast forward a year or more and our daughter turns one later this month. She is without a doubt the best thing that ever happened in our lives and we can barely remember life without her. It sounds clichéd but she makes our lives worth living. And I'm saying that as half of a couple who were the epitome of selfishness and would sneer at the family in the restaurant trying to control their kids at the dinner table.

Mind you, it's not a bed of roses every day, sleep deprivation early on is a killer but we've been really lucky to have a healthy happy child. I'd love another but don't know whether I'd be lucky enough to get pregnant just as easily at my age so am happy now, whatever happens.

Having a child certainly isn't for everyone, but it's your decision to make. We're just anonymous posters on a forum who aren't privy to your life bar the scant detail posted here. It's down to you and your partner and if it's something you really want. Good luck in whatever decision you make.

PressRun

I honestly think you know yourself deep down what you want but you've just reached a point in life where the pressure to have children becomes greater and more noticeable. I think it's understandable to have doubts or to even feel like you might cave to the pressure, and I think everyone who chooses not to have children feels that pressure at some point or another, but I really don't think you should have children just because you feel your biological clock ticking or because your friends are having them. Those are not good reasons to have children. You should only have children if you really want them and could see yourself enjoying spending the time and effort it takes to properly raise a child. You shouldn't launch yourself into parenthood if you're not cut out for it or if you feel like you won't get any joy from it. Having children is life-changing and requires a great deal of responsibility, it shouldn't be treated as a means to fit in or reconnect with friends or what have you.

Ursus Horribilis

Is there any significance to the title of this thread? Aversion to kids? You could've said "I'm not sure I want kids" or something along those lines. Aversion means you've got a strong dislike of something. In general, how do you feel about children? Do you like them? Do you talk to them? Do you take any interest in them at all?

OP, I'm early 40s now.
Never had that big maternal need to be a mother. I love kids, have great Craic with them but never felt the big need to have my own.
My friends all have kids now from 21 down to 5.
I also have a nephew nearly one year old. My nephew is the nearest thing to my own, I love him so much, so much more than I thought possible, it must be a blood/ relation thing. So now I think I understand better how parents must feel.
My friends kids are great, I love them, they love me, but I'm always happy to hand them back.
My nephew though, I would do anything for him, I'd give him my last penny. I would honestly die for him if it came down to it.
So now I think I understand better how it would feel to have my own.
However, I still don't want my own. I have no doubt that my life would change, and I would never be sorry that I had a child. But I still won't have one. I'm really not interested.
I understand the doubts, sometimes when I'm with my nephew I worry I may regret not having my own, but I know deep down I won't.
I have a great life, all my money is my own to spend on whatever I like. I love travelling, and I do plenty.

My friends kids are growing up, and while I spent a few years just being nice while they were consumed by their kids, now they are starting to do things away from them.
Lots of my buddys can't wait till we all go on holidays again together with no kids. Some of them already do, they appreciate adult company now. Good food, good drink & relaxing breaks away.
My uncle & his partner are together over 40 years & never had kids, they have a great life & have no regrets. They are in their 60s now, so I don't think they will start to regret it now!

I think if there are kids in your life, friends kids or your own relations you get the best of both worlds, you get the good times with them, without the hassle & expense. And maybe heartache!
If you really don't feel the pull, & your partner doesn't, then you should forget about it. Enjoy your life, all the money your friends spend on their kids, you can spend on yourself. Life's too short, Just enjoy it.

That was way longer then I meant it to be, sorry!

Rubberchikken

op only consider having a child if or when you and your partner actually feel it's right.
please don't be influenced by what others think or by the lifestyles you see around you.

yes it's tough to get up at all hours to a baby, to deal with kids when they're sick/acting up/whatever but like everything else, there are good times too.
i personally never dreamt of having kids. never felt this 'broodiness' people talk about. one day it just happened and after some discussion with my husband, we decided to go ahead and try. they are both adults now and great so i have probably forgotten a lot of the negative stuff kids bring, but while i couldn't do it again now, back then i was younger and filled with energy and not knowing any better, just got on with it:)

but it was the right decision for us at the time. you and only you can decide if it'll be the right decision for you ever. live your life the way you want to, not the way you see others living theirs or allowing their opinions to affect your decisions.
best of luck

DoozerT6

OP you sound a bit like me.

I was always on the fence about having children, I figured in my teens and twenties that when I met someone special that all would reveal itself and I would either get the urge to procreate and do so after discussing it with my mate, or I would not have children at all (again with agreement from my other half).

Unfortunately I never met that special guy. I am now pushing 42 and single, like I have been my whole life. I never got to have those important discussions. But unlike me, you DID meet someone special....and yet you're still ambivalent, as is (importantly) your partner. As many others have said, you seem to be thinking about other people's ideas and opinions, and not your own. My personal thought from reading your post is that you are going through the phase of "my biological clock is ticking, omg is this (no kids) what I REALLY want??" and that when push comes to shove you don't really want to have children. I completely get where you are coming from....I have had the same thoughts myself. But again, unlike me, you have a long-term partner, and these thoughts you're having seem to be recent enough. I think a phase like this is perfectly normal if your mind was never fully closed to the idea in the first place.

I guess what I'm saying is: don't let panic tell you what to do. Is this sudden change of mind a genuine desire to have a child with the person you love, or a FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) situation? If it's the latter, I think you already know the answer.

Dutchess

Hi OP, I am someone who does not want children. I have been saying this for at least 10 years and for at least that long, I have been told I would change my mind when I would reach 30, the age I am now. My partner and I were recently out for a bite to eat with a friend and his two young kids. He went to the bathroom and we were alone with the kids for little while. They are well raised and well behaved but we both exchanged a look that said: never.

Of course I have thought about how much more difficult it is to make friends at this age, especially when you are making different choices than the majority. And I have thought about what will happen when I am older. But having kids is not a guarantee for making friends with fellow parents, and certainly not a guarantee for not being alone at Christmas and any time during old age. What if you child moves abroad and spends holidays with their partner in another country? What if you and their partner don't get along?

In other words, I don't think those are good reasons to have children. You and your partner would need to decide whether you want to make the required sacrifices because having children would bring you joy in its own right.

I wish you luck, it must be hard to have doubts when it comes to such a major life decision.

LegacyUser

I've read this thread through and I don't exactly have an answer for you OP, but I'll try to offer my opinion without being too long winded - for what it's worth.

I had a couple of thoughts when reading your post (and others). First thing is relatively simple - your friend who is constantly talking about her kid does sound a bit over-obsessive. Some parents worry constantly about their child, the child becomes everything and it never seems to occur to them that nobody else is that interested in their child. She was probably the same about her job, or her relationship or something before the child came but you didn't notice it so much because it was more - relevant - to you. It has now transferred to her child. Point I'm trying to make is that whether you have kids or not, you will have to accept that having a child does fundamentally change people, some can keep it under wraps better than others, and have consideration for others in conversation. You may have to consider just giving your friendship with this woman a break for a few years, because she's not the same person and right now, you understandably don't have the same interest in her child, so maybe she's not for you at this moment.

Second thing is this. You can sit and contemplate kids and listen to people saying they're not for me, I can't give up my life etc, etc, etc. and look at it like a reasoned logical debate like any sane adult does. But - and this is a big but - what you know absolutely nothing about is the emotional side of having kids. It cannot be described and to be honest, unless you have kids you simply will never understand, no matter how many nieces, nephews etc you might have. Obviously that creates a total catch22 situation but there it is. I thought I knew about kids, thought I knew how I'd deal with every situation to do with kids, thought I knew exactly what parenting would be like - and then I had mine. (I'm speaking here as the mother of 2 very small children). There are no words. The emotion absolutely blindsided me and it still does every single day. There are no logical, sane arguments that can help you here because it's not a logical sane thing. I mean seriously, standing outside a relationship looking at parents with a small child - the sleeplessness, the nappies, the tantrums, the dirt, the drudgery - you think it's awful. But then, why do people do it again? And again? Because of the love, the emotion, which you really don't understand until you have them.

The final thing I'll say is this - there is no lightbulb moment here. I get the impression you (and maybe others) are waiting for some big broody feeling to hit and you'll just know that now is time, you suddenly want kids. That's probably not going to happen. You decide one way or the other do you want them and there's no right answer. And obviously for you, there is also a time deadline. You don't sound like you really want them now, but more importantly, you really need to figure this out with your partner. Because if you end up deciding you would like kids and then find yourself with a partner you have to "talk into it" you will probably have a pretty big problem on your hands.

I don't have any right answer for you I'm afraid, and it's entirely in your hands. I could tell you not to do what society wants or I could tell you that being a mother is the most amazing, frustrating, headwrecking, unbelievable experience on the planet. Both are true, but neither are the "right" view on the subject. It's between you, your heart and your partner but what I will say is decide together, and try to look beyond the first chaotic years of childhood, or just the next few years, to the future when you are making your decision.