Father isn't keen on boyfriend

bannergirl33

Hi all,
Im looking for some advice here. I have been seeing this guy for the past 2 years and since we started going out my Father has decided he doesn't like him. For genuinely no apparent reason....anytime he calls to the house my father questions him about everything and makes really inappropriate comments to my boyfriend. He doesn't seem too pushed by this and has never said anything but I'm at the end of my tether with my Dad. We are moving into his house in a few weeks and Im dreading my Dad coming to visit as God only knows what he will say and my boyfriends Parents live very near and are at his house quite a good bit. I have spoken to my Father several times about his behaviour but to no avail...please help!

Augme

Tell your Dad he's not allowed visit. Problem solved.

retro:electro

Well it'll be a very different scenario when your dad comes to visit him in his house. I wonder will he be as disrespectful to him under your boyfriend's own roof.. The boundaries will have shifted you see. If he is rude or in any way provoking, tell him to leave, and tell him not to come back until he has learned how to be respectful of the person you are in a relationship with.

trixychic

Say it to your dad. Sit him down and say what he is doing is wrong and you won't allow it.

bannergirl33

Thanks lads for your replies. Ah hes been like this for the last while and its just fair bad because my boyfriends parents are nothing only nice and sociable to me. My Father loves news and quizzing my boyfriend.... I feel like he is trying to split us up only it hasn't worked but he is the type of person who speaks before he thinks which I think is really inappropriate...

CPTM

"Dad - For as long as you're under MY roof, you act by MY rules

Respect is number 1."

If your boyfriend genuinely isn't bothered about it, then why are you working yourself up so much about it?
Has your dad met your boyfriends parents yet?
As the previous poster said, when your dad visits you in your boyfriends place the dynamic totally shifts.

bannergirl33

yep they came to my house one day when they were passing and ah he wasnt too bad but fairly smart with them. My boyfriend has said to me on several occassions that he finds my father very nosey and I agreed with him....I guess he asks a tonne of questions constantly

Ursus Horribilis

Did you ever have a boyfriend that your father met before this?

daisybelle2008

bannergirl33 wrote: »

yep they came to my house one day when they were passing and ah he wasnt too bad but fairly smart with them. My boyfriend has said to me on several occassions that he finds my father very nosey and I agreed with him....I guess he asks a tonne of questions constantly

I don't think you need to be too confrontational or lay down the law. Just say 'A guard wouldn't ask him that' or 'No Spanish Inquisition tonight Dad' in a jokey way when the questions start, but get your point across and change the subject, he might not be aware he is doing it but try ways of getting it across without a stand off.

bannergirl33

Yep two others. My Father has just taken a disliking to this lad though for some reason I cant work out. I have asked him on numerous occasions to stop insulting him and he just tells me to lighten up. As a result I dont tell him anything at all. Its really stressful

bannergirl33

Thats a good idea Daisybelle any advice much appreciated at this stage. The last time he was here we were all talking and Dad said something about my summer job from years ago and said to him that I got sacked for robbing, which was not the case, the place closed down. Another time my boyfriend was saying something about his Mam having a glass of wine at night and my father said to him is she an alcoholic or does she enjoy a drink and starting laughing, I mean thats fair bad mannered. There are so many examples of his ignorance I could just go on and on but there's no point. Its really caused a bad rift in our relationship between myself and my Dad.

daisybelle2008

bannergirl33 wrote: »

Thats a good idea Daisybelle any advice much appreciated at this stage. The last time he was here we were all talking and Dad said something about my summer job from years ago and said to him that I got sacked for robbing, which was not the case, the place closed down. Another time my boyfriend was saying something about his Mam having a glass of wine at night and my father said to him is she an alcoholic or does she enjoy a drink and starting laughing, I mean thats fair bad mannered. There are so many examples of his ignorance I could just go on and on but there's no point. Its really caused a bad rift in our relationship between myself and my Dad.

Oh God he sounds a bit obnoxious alright, but maybe trying to be funny/take the p$ss and get attention/reaction?
I have family like that but I treat it like banter and give smart answer back and turn it back on him, like saying you got sacked for robbing I'd say 'oh yeah sure you asked me to rob those things for you and I got caught' and make a laugh it off. The wine thing say something like 'she drinks half what you do, who is the alco ha ha?' Just turn it into banter, if he can give it he should be able to take it, and the situation might feel a bit more balanced and light hearted. As I said for the questions ' Would you feck off Dad a guard wouldn't ask that'....Some auld fellas hate that comparison
Don't know the dynamic in your family though, that might make it worse!

bannergirl33

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Oh God he sounds a bit obnoxious alright, but maybe trying to be funny/take the p$ss and get attention/reaction?
I have family like that but I treat it like banter and give smart answer back and turn it back on him, like saying you got sacked for robbing I'd say 'oh yeah sure you asked me to rob those things for you and I got caught' and make a laugh it off. The wine thing say something like 'she drinks half what you do, who is the alco ha ha?' Just turn it into banter, if he can give it he should be able to take it, and the situation might feel a bit more balanced and light hearted. As I said for the questions ' Would you feck off Dad a guard wouldn't ask that'....Some auld fellas hate that comparison
Don't know the dynamic in your family though, that might make it worse!

Sounds good,I had never tried the banter part before. Usually I end up getting really embarrased and to make things worse sometimes my sister jumps in and agrees with him so it really a case of two against one 😕 ah with my father it's just a no win situation he's very controlling

daisybelle2008

bannergirl33 wrote: »

Sounds good,I had never tried the banter part before. Usually I end up getting really embarrased and to make things worse sometimes my sister jumps in and agrees with him so it really a case of two against one 😕 ah with my father it's just a no win situation he's very controlling

Yeah try that route, takes the sting out of it and don't let him see its bothering you if you turn it back on him with humour. It won't feel as controlling if you make it into a joke and he is not getting a rise out of you.

zoobizoo

Is it that he doesn't like him ?

Or

He has a different way of communicating?

I ask because some parents are very relaxed, come in , have a cup of tea, any craic?..... while other are more formal or feel "here's the guest, we have to treat them as a guest" and then sit them down, ask questions, feels awkward, feels nosey.

So what's your dad's motivation for asking questions - is it "I don't like him and want to catch him out and make him feel awkward?" or "I am doing the right thing by showing an interest in this lad and by asking him about himself"

My dad sees himself as doing the right thing by asking questions and showing loads of interest but it can come across as interegation.

bannergirl33

I'd say a bit of both if the truth be known. He interrogates him a lot and tries to pretend he knows a lot about farming as my boyfriend is a farmer and we aren't,I guess it just causes a lot of problems when he starts this behaviour

Big Bag of Chips

But what kind of problems does it cause? You say your boyfriend isn't that bothered. You seem more embarrassed by it than anything. Is your dad aggressive? Is he deliberately setting out to make your bf uncomfortable? Or is he just a bit awkward about making conversation?

From what you say it doesn't seem like he means any harm, just that he's trying to make conversation but sometimes says something inappropriate, maybe in an attempt at humour?

freshpopcorn

When I read the title of your thread I was expecting it to be about somebody who's father banned their boyfriend from the house and was constantly trying to split ye apart.
From what I've read it seems your dad is being a bit of a fool/trying to be funny. (We all have the relative who says the wrong thing) and your boyfriend seems to be going along with it!

LightlyGo

From the fact that you've taken the trouble to post this I'm assuming this isn't your dad's general personality and that he's not like this with everyone.

Did he just suddenly take a dislike to your boyfriend and suddenly start interrogating him when he calls?
If it was a sudden thing I'd wonder if he has a particular concern about your boyfriend based on some experience or something he has heard. Maybe if you could address the root of the problem it might put an end to it. I would ask him calmly what exactly is bothering him about this guy. If he tells you, you can either respond to it or just dismiss it if it's ridiculous.

Did it start when you became serious or he realised you might be moving out with him or moving on with your life? If that's the case maybe he just needs a bit of reassurance that you'll remain in touch and close. It might be a weird reaction to letting you go.

It sounds rude and unnecessary and your boyfriend sounds like a decent guy for playing along and putting up with it.

leggo

Yeah, as a lad, when I meet the family of a partner I expect a bit of banter/gentle ribbing and quizzing like the stuff you describe. It's part of the process. To still be getting it two years in is a bit much, but the examples you give don't sound that bad. It's more a case of your dad being a bit of a cheeky bollocks more than anything and your embarrassment probably throws petrol onto that. But maybe you just gave bad examples.

The banter advice you got is the best way to deal with it. "Ah here it is, Dad's 21 questions!" He'll either stop or it'll bring the true nature of the problem, if there is one in his mind, to the fore and then you can deal with it once and for all.

bannergirl33

Thanks for your replies and thanks for the reply from a lads point of view.My Mam has been sick for the paSt few years with dementia and since she has gotten sick he has tried to be quite controlling with both me and my brother only he won't take it from him.I dread when my boyfriend calls as I just don't know what rude comment my father is going to pass and it both upsets and embarrasses me.My boyfriend up to now hasn't said a whole lot about it only that my Father is quite nosey which is spot on.

freshpopcorn

bannergirl33 wrote: »

Thanks for your replies and thanks for the reply from a lads point of view.My Mam has been sick for the paSt few years with dementia and since she has gotten sick he has tried to be quite controlling with both me and my brother only he won't take it from him.I dread when my boyfriend calls as I just don't know what rude comment my father is going to pass and it both upsets and embarrasses me.My boyfriend up to now hasn't said a whole lot about it only that my Father is quite nosey which is spot on.

Does you boyfriend actually mind?
I know people and they play along with people and they don't take much notice of them when their children would be embarrassed.
In my experience when people's parents aren't keen on a boyfriend/girlfriend. They generally have nothing to do with the boyfriend/girlfriend and wouldn't allow them in the house and wouldn't bother talking to them!