How can I help my friend?

LegacyUser

Hi all, long time member of boards just going anonymous for this.

I have a best friend, male, 28, who has been going out with a girl, roughly 22, from the other side of the country for around 2 years.

I don't know much about her - she's an only child, very shy in our company, smiling with him etc. Have tried all attempts to get to know her better but my friend is reluctant to bring her out with us on most occasions.

He's described off-hand arguments with her where she would take off running, refusing to answer her phone, or where she's thrown her ipad or iphone on the ground in frustration.

At this point you're probably thinking what I initially thought - probably immature, it's his funeral, don't get involved.

That was until my other friend moved in with him as he has a two bed apartment.

This is the reality - she regularly initiates loud, screaming arguments with him over very little. Things are thrown. Horrible words are said. He almost never returns the shouting. Example: I went through a breakup recently and he and another friend decided to meet me for a dinner to cheer me up. She was hear screaming in the apartment "YOU ARE NOT TO MEET THOSE BOYS" etc.

As soon as he left, she put on music and started cooking dinner for herself. Seems out of odds with the supposed "emotion" on show earlier. I know these things because my friend cannot block out the screaming without playing heavy death metal in her room.

If he goes out with us, she can't know or she'll start a fight. He has to turn off his whatsapp and tell her he's off to bed. We are off in a few weeks on a lad's holiday - she doesn't know about this because in his words "she will have a meltdown".

This has been corroborated by another mutual friend who lived with him previously. Screaming every day of every weekend, because she's up every weekend, isolating him from us. He's not allowed to meet us. Security from the apartment block have been called by other tenants due to the shouting.

He does nice things for her - brought her abroad in June, buys her dinner etc. when she's up and regular presents.

I've brought this up with him in delicate ways - asking him if he's happy etc. What worries me is that the responses include "Ah yeah, she was in a good mood this weekend so it was nice".

In summary, my best friend is suffering from domestic abuse in his relationship. He's a guy, she's pint sized, but she is slowly isolating him from us and emotionally abusing him. I refuse to allow my best friend be treated like this. Would any of you? Has anyone been through this with a best friend or family member and helped them see, or understand?

I am fully convinced that the Gardaí would need to be involved to see this through. Telling me that this is none of my business is useless - if that's the sort of friend you want to be then thats fine, but I need to at least try to help him.

Rubberchikken

if the roles were reversed and your friend was a girl with a man behaving like this i'm sure you would have told her to get out of that relationship quickly.

yes this female sounds immature but she also sounds like a bully and if she's behaving like this now, how much worse is it liable to get?

you sound like a good person who is worried for your friend. trouble is until he sees what she is really like he may not listen to anything you say to him.
i'm sorry to have nothing constructive to add, have never experienced it or had a close friend/family member experience it. but i hope you get some good advice that will help.

best of luck

daisybelle2008

concernedbestfriend wrote: »

I am fully convinced that the Gardaí would need to be involved to see this through.

Telling me that this is none of my business is useless - if that's the sort of friend you want to be then thats fine, but I need to at least try to help him.

With that logic ask yourself what kind of friend are you? So you believe your best friend is in an 'abusive domestic relationship' and the guards need to be involved and the extent of your discussion with him has been to ‘delicately’ ask him if he is happy. Why don’t you be honest with him about how you feel? That’s your first step. You say it’s your business but you haven’t told him what you really think.

Maybe he likes the drama and shouting. Maybe that’s their thing, clearly after these screaming matches he does what he wants anyway i.e goes out with his friends or on holidays with lads etc. and she sits down chilling, listening to tunes. The whole dynamic might be strange and dysfunctional to you, but maybe it’s ok with them. Ask him before you involve the guards.

Honestly what are you going to say to the guards? What you described does not warrant her being throwing in Mountjoy.

LLMMLL

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Maybe he likes the drama and shouting. Maybe that’s their thing, clearly after these screaming matches he does what he wants anyway i.e goes out with his friends or on holidays with lads etc. and she sits down chilling, listening to tunes. The whole dynamic might be strange and dysfunctional to you, but maybe it’s ok with them. Ask him before you involve the guards.

I doubt this would be your response if a male isolated a female from her friends. It doesn't have to include violence to be domestic abuse. The fact that he links his happiness to whether or not she's been in a good mood recently is a big red flag. Do you think female domestic abuse victims just "enjoy the drama"?

daisybelle2008

LLMMLL wrote: »

I doubt this would be your response if a male isolated a female from her friends. It doesn't have to include violence to be domestic abuse. The fact that he links his happiness to whether or not she's been in a good mood recently is a big red flag. Do you think female domestic abuse victims just "enjoy the drama"?

It is exactly the same, if you look at my posting history in RI/PI. Now maybe I have a different slant and it is seen as 'victim blaming' to even suggest that an adult has a modicum of responsibility in the kind of relationship they choose to be in. I always encourage the person (male/female) complaining about their relationship to leave if they are not happy and think they are being abused and remind them they are actually empowered with a choice to leave. I am always more in the camp of bail if you are not happy and people treat you how you let them. You get to set your own standards in this life.

This guy is not being isolated from his friends, he is meeting up with them and going on holidays. He is not even the one complaining about his relationship here!! If his friend thinks he is being abused, then discuss it with him and get his take on it. I think talk of guards is ridiculous, she is raising her voice, he is letting it in one ear out the other, ignoring her and doing exactly what he wants to anyway, don't think the DPP is going to be able to build a case against his shouty GF anytime soon.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

It is exactly the same, if you look at my posting history in RI/PI. Now maybe I have a different slant and it is seen as 'victim blaming' to even suggest that an adult has a modicum of responsibility in the kind of relationship they choose to be in. I always encourage the person (male/female) complaining about their relationship to leave if they are not happy and think they are being abused and remind them they are actually empowered with a choice to leave. I am always more in the camp of bail if you are not happy and people treat you how you let them. You get to set your own standards in this life.

This guy is not being isolated from his friends, he is meeting up with them and going on holidays. He is not even the one complaining about his relationship here!! If his friend thinks he is being abused, then discuss it with him and get his take on it. I think talk of guards is ridiculous, she is raising her voice, he is letting it in one ear out the other, ignoring her and doing exactly what he wants to anyway, don't think the DPP is going to be able to build a case against his shouty GF anytime soon.

Thanks for focussing on on that part daisybelle.

My friend has tried to break up with her before, she's left countless aggressive voicemails and camped outside his building before she's allowed in and they "patch up". I would consider that worthy of accusations of harassment which is a criminal offense, is it not?

I have not brought it up with him directly because I care about him and want to approach this in the right way. Hence my request for advice.

Women are encouraged to report abusive relationships on a daily basis. I very much doubt you go on those threads trumpeting about personal responsibility.

Should your advice be repeated by other posters then I will take it on board.

daisybelle2008

Concernedbestfriend wrote: »

Thanks for focussing on on that part daisybelle.

My friend has tried to break up with her before, she's left countless aggressive voicemails and camped outside his building before she's allowed in and they "patch up". I would consider that worthy of accusations of harassment which is a criminal offense, is it not?

I have not brought it up with him directly because I care about him and want to approach this in the right way. Hence my request for advice.

Women are encouraged to report abusive relationships on a daily basis. I very much doubt you go on those threads trumpeting about personal responsibility.

Should your advice be repeated by other posters then I will take it on board.

The right way is to have a discussion with him about this. It is not a criminal offence if he is letting her in and making up with her. They are not living together, he sees her at weekends. The aggressive messages are not criminal unless has a barring order and they are unwelcome. There are people being harassed and seriously stalked by people they do not want to see and the guards do nothing unless there is violence acted upon.

I am not sure what you are proposing?, Going to the guards without telling him before ye go on a lads holiday and hope they scare her off without him finding out it was you who 'reported' her? Why are you not talking to him about this?? If you care about him discuss it with him, he has to be the one who acts on this. He is not demonstrating he has a problem in the law by buying her presents and going on holidays with her. There was a woman on here whose ex was slashing her tires and threatening her with allsorts and the guards said there was nothing they can do. She had blocked every number and options of contact. What you are describing is dysfunctional but it is not criminal and your friend is engaging with her.

Fakediamond

I'd give him some advice and information about abusive and controlling relationships, there's loads of info online. Maybe he doesn't realise that she is being abusive in her treatment of him. Try and establish if he's really happy with her, or is just finding it really hard to ditch her. If it's the latter, give him all the support you can to end it, once and for all.

zoobizoo

What you have here is just a crazy gf.

We've all had friends with them. It's horrible to see someone you respect having so little respect for themselves that they allow this to happen and yet they put up with it. And, if it's the first time you've seen it, it really is hard to understand how someone could allow themselves to be treated so badly.

Ultimately that's his decision to be a door mat. Many men choose this path.


"John, what do your family make of her?"

As I said to a friend or two in similar situations, "you will never be happy in this relationship because she gets to choose when you get to be happy"