how can i stop judging my friend

LegacyUser

So, I realise this is not going to make me look good, but I need advice as to how to ' get over myself'
My best friend & I are friends 30 years or so, we are early 40s.
I have found myself judging her lately, the way she is raising her kids, the things she is doing.
I hate feeling like this.
How can I stop myself.
We are very close friends, we have no secrets and I have never judged her before the last 12 months or so. She doesn't judge me either. We have always said everything to each other, completely honestly & we have never ever fallen out. We may have disagreements every now & again but we just move on, and never fall out about things.
We are different, & see a lot of things differently, but we are still friends.
We have never had a ' row'.

Lately, I am finding myself judging her. Her kids are good kids, one has special needs, she is a good mom & she loves her kids. But, she complains about their father ( they are separated) showing them unsuitable horror films, for example, but she allows them all to play computer games that are rated 18. I tried to say it's double standards, but she doesn't agree.
She also talks about the ex in front of them, but complains about other friends who talk in front of their kids. I do say certain things to her, but I can't say anything about her parenting. It's not my place. I don't have my own kids ( lots of family kids & friends kids ) but I understand it's not my place to judge her parenting decisions.
The kids are good, but are also a bit wild. There is no bedtime, for example, kids are 5,7&9, they might, might, get told to go to bed around 10 pm or so. They jump around & go wild until they call asleep eventually, could be 12.30 or later.
She really doesn't mind, she is such an easy going person that she thinks that is no big deal.

She has started riding men, I think it's great she is getting out enjoying herself, she doesn't need to be riding men who have wives/girlfriends. I can tell her it's not a great idea, but she reckons she is putting me to shame ( I'm single for last few years, doesn't bother me )

She hasn't paid a mortgage in about 3 years, she said it's her ex's problem. She honestly takes home over 700 euro a week in payments, but doesn't want to pay for anything.

She is a very stubborn person, she fell out with one of her kids principal's recently & took her kid out if the school, grand, but she kept certain items that were owned by the school. I told her she was wrong & she should return them, but her response was ' **** them, I denied having them' she is trying to annoy the principal, but I think kids are missing out. She doesn't care.
She would not appreciate me telling her how to raise her kids, and I understand that, it's really not my place. But I'm finding it harder and harder to go to her house or listen to the story of who she ****ed or who she had a row with last.

I don't want to lose her as a friend, we really have been very close. How can I stop thinking negatively about her & her actions and just go back to not judging?

Rubberchikken

from the things you list out, your friend's behaviour etc would probably be judged by many people to be not too great. but at the end of the day it's her life/kids/decisions.
once you remove yourself from that maybe you can still be friends.
but if you can't or maybe, don't want to, then maybe it's time to cool the friendship a littlt.

your looking at her life from outside and don't like what you see. that's your choice. she's happy or appears happy with her decisions so maybe best left.

as you've gotten older, your standards have changed so it's only natural to compare them to hers.
take care

LLMMLL

I think you know you've only 3 options, none of which are good:

1. Cut her off/phase her out/cool things.

2. Say something, cause a big argument (given what you've said about her this seems likely).

3. Keep quiet and carry on as usual.

Personally I'd go with 3. Her behaviour is more irritating than seriously bad. Playing 18s games and staying up late isn't the worst parenting I've heard. And talking about your sex life in depth is par for the course for many friendships. Whether or not she pays he mortgage is really going to be her problem.

leggo

Maybe you've realised that you don't like your friend? It happens. We grow up and drift sometimes, in maturity and decision-making too. And the people we surround ourselves with are the people we end up becoming so it's perfectly fair to want better there.

You know yourself it's not good to be judging people, but you can't help it so that's your brains way of telling you something is up here. Maybe you're too close? Like if you know what her kids' bedtime habits are, you're obviously there for them. Do you need to be? I've often created distance from certain friends (one of my longest and best friends and I just killed each other whenever we intertwined our lives, it didn't work at all) then gone back later and re-formed the friendship with parameters that suited me better and it was the best thing that ever happened. Of course the change is awkward for a bit but then you miss the person and appreciate the time you do have together under these new parameters.

LA2030

Continuing to "judge" her is coming from your own ideals and belief system. People are different. Accept her and her way of life as she is. Problem solved.