In a bad place

Whale and wasp

This will be a fairly long post, I guess I'm just looking for some general advice and to see if anyone has come through stuff like this.

I've posted in RI earlier in the year about a breakup that occurred around Christmas. In many ways that was the cherry on the top and what broke me.

I've had an extremely bizarre couple of years. Things happened that simply makes no sense to rational people and to be honest, I'm still trying to digest it all.

I guess it all started about three years ago. I moved into a house with my then best friend (we'll call him x) for the summer, going on to finish college the next year. I'd been fairly unwell for a time before this so was looking forward to it.

I got introduced to a friend of this friend who would later become my gf. We hit it off straight away and were inseparable. Thing is, x started acting odd around this time, wouldn't engage with me or include me in things with friends, my ex even commented on it. I asked him what was up but he wouldn't say.

As I suspected it later came out that he had feelings for my ex, despite being in a long term relationship himself. He messaged her behind my back after six months together. My friend of nearly a decade.

We decided the best thing to do was to tell his gf about this, I figured she had a right to know. Didn't take any joy from it tbh. Obviously she was upset but he worked his magic on her. Back within a week.

Things basically from the time my ex and I got together were tense in my house, which incredibly, spilled over to her house too. Her house mates were mutual friends of x. We used to avoid both houses killing time in town. It was the pits. We couldnt afford to move out either.

This went on for about seven months. It affected me. Eventually we were able to get our own place. Ive posted detail about that time elsewhere. We were happy, I finished college, future looked bright.

So that's a lot of drama so far. It got worse. For reasons that are still a mystery to me around this time last year I wasn't invited to my exs brothers wedding. As a bit of background, my parents adored my ex and treated her very well. A couple of times we spent holidays with them. Paid for her room, dinner, just treated well.

I was told around this time I'd have to get my own meal on the day of the wedding thought that was hugely unfair. Apparently it was a directive from her mother. So as mentioned elsewhere I declined.

That led to a fall out which was then patched up. But more drama ahead. My graduation was coming up. I was looking forward to it. The previous summer I fought a unsuccessful appeal against my degree result which failed. I was quite stressed that summer and not my best. Still, I figured the grad would be a good day out for all.
My ex and I were between houses, her parents were away so I asked my father could my ex stay a few nights at ours (I should mention that I had stayed at my exs home place a few nights. I assume It was something of a piecemeal offering in light of the craic around the wedding and while I appreciated it, it was a bit tense.) In any event my father wouldn't let her stay for no good reason which led to a fallout between us which continues to this day. I wouldn't have asked only that we were stuck. Got more stresses as a result. He didn't attend my grad in the end.

I got dumped at Christmas. I've gone into detail elsewhere. In short her folks weren't happy with her being with me I asumme. I did a lot for her, protected her best I could from the crap earlier on In the relationship. She lacked confidence and was subservient to her parents wishes. She spoke of looking forward to Christmas and so did I. But when we lost out on accomadation, and with her parents giving her grief about not having a place to live, she cracked and left me. Nothing since.

So that's it. Im back home for now, hoping to move to England soon to find work. My father and I don't talk. I'm sad, bewildered and really just worn out. I think Ive nearly given up on people. I've been to counselling which has helped but its such a mess I might need more.

I just wanted to get along and be happy and tbh I have no idea what has just happened. I suppose i'm just looking for some perspective.

Thanks for reading this and sorry for the long post.

BaaLamb

I'm sorry to read that you have had such a difficult time personally. It sounds like you definitely need to see a counsellor again. I can't really offer much in the way of advice really except to say it is probably worth trying to mend things with your father as you need your family support to try to get back on your feet again. Please take care of yourself and consider going to your GP if you feel your mood is very low and affecting your quality of life.

Ursus Horribilis

Ah, I remember your story and I had a quick read back through it. Your ex girlfriend was a sorry mess and it appears that she dragged you down with her. You probably won't agree but you are better off without her in your life.

On a practical level, I think you badly need more counselling and to get it soon. If you can at all, don't move to England yet. Emigrating can be a very stressful business and the last thing you need is to compound your existing problems.

Is there any way you could reconcile your differences with your father? Is there a chance that your initial fall-out stemmed from him not liking your girlfriend? If you think your situation with your father has any chance of being resolved, would you consider reaching out to him? Or asking someone else in the family to sound him out.

Whale and wasp

I'd be staying with relatives over there for the time being, good people. I've been advised to link in with mental health services over there too.

As for the situation with my father, I'm not so sure any more. I'll probably at least ask him to wish me luck. He liked my ex, both my parents did. But my father is a very complex man. And even if he didn't like her, he still put his son out which only created more hassle for me.

Noodin

Sounds like you've put this girl so far up on the pedestal you can barely see her anymore. She doesn't sound that great to be honest. A bit of head wrecker from the sounds of it.

You want some honest advice from someone whose been around the block? MOVE ON. Go out and find a new woman. There was never anything special about this girl. You'll see that when you meet a new one. Call up some friends and make plans for the weekend.

Also try and mend things with your dad, that's far more important to trying to get back with this chick or get closure or whatever. If you live at home then move out and give the old man some space.

Good luck and I hope things work out for ya.

LLMMLL

One thing from your post is a lack of perspective or understanding of other people.

You say a few times that you don't understand what happened or it all seems irrational and other people will think it's strange.

Everything in your post is understandable. Your friend was jealous. Your gf is under her parents thumb. Your father didn't want your gf to stay over and won't explain himself. You struggled with your degree.

All this stuff is done by normal people and happens to normal people. None of
It is healthy but if everyone acted perfectly
And healthily this forum wouldn't exist.

I only say this as I think believing that all of the above incidents are beyond understanding is not helpful to you in learning how to deal with them.

Whale and wasp

Yes I agree with you to an extent.

I know people aren't perfect, I'm certainly not. But this all happened within a relatively short space of time, some two and a half years. In many ways people have bigger problems, but this was a series of big blows which has had an impact.

The thing for me is that I feel a bit disillusioned. Most probably I won't get any answers. I've had plenty of setbacks before and more will come, but this stuff was too much this time. I guess more counselling is needed.

Taltos

OP, you hit the nail on the head.
It really does seem that more counselling is needed, and I'd even ask them to help you learn coping mechanisms or tools.

Life is rarely fair and for some people the knocks just keep on coming, sometimes in a much shorter space of time and much harsher. Learning how to deal with these events seems critical in your case. Something else worth looking into that might help and just because it's the current buzzword doesn't mean it's a fad is mindfulness. It something you have to practice each and every day but it might help center you a bit so that these challenges don't knock you as much as they seem to be.

But definitely - go back and get more help, sometimes the answer is the one you already know.

Xterminator

i have to concur with LLMMLL.

i dont think your display much empathy or ability to put yourself in other peoples shoes. this is not a criticism of you. It just an opinion formed by reading your thoughts as posted.

now that may not be overly helpful in dealing with your current feelings ; but if you can better understand other peoples motives and perspectives, then perhaps in the future you can better manage situations that crop up.

here is an example - but i dont want to overly labour the point.

Things basically from the time my ex and I got together were tense in my house, which incredibly, spilled over to her house too. ..... either. This went on for about seven months. It affected me.

nope , it affected everyone.

Whale and wasp

It affected both my ex gf and I. How was everyone else affected?

Look, we didn't seek any drama, the tension was not of our own doing. We genuinely tried to diffuse the situation in the houses. Looking back now I'm sorry I didn't ask for advice here about the matter.

It was a problem created by other people, not us. And trust me I tried everything to try fix it, to try to meet people half way. I asked the man what was the problem and did he want to talk about things. He refused and was quite happy to let things fester. Nothing one can do about that and basically the same at her place.

At the end of the day these people were incredibly immature. We're talking late twenties-early thirties. The atmosphere was toxic so it was bound to affect us.

Lisaanna88

Whale and wasp wrote: »

[mod note - please don't quote full posts especially when this long, instead just quote pertinent points where applicable, otherwise mobile users suffer]

One bit of advice I'll give is try mend things with your Father before you go England the longer you leave it the harder it becomes and you only get one work on that first and the rest will eventually fall into place. A new start in a new country will be good for you new possibilities and friendships etc this is your time focus on finding you and what makes you happy 😊 good luck!!

Meauldsegosha

Are you moving to England because that's were your ex went?

Whale and wasp

No. I don't expect to see her again.