Different goals in terms of career/ambitions. When to call it a day?

MmmmmCheese

At what point do incompatibilities in relationships become great enough that the relationship should be ended? I've been with my bf for over two years now and although I love him and we really do care for each other, we have completely different outlooks in life when it comes to career and ambition. I have a college degree, am in a fairly low paying job but getting experience in a field that I want to pursue and will probably go back to college for further education.

My bf on the other hand doesn't have any third level qualifications, switches between retail jobs which he hates and has no idea, at the age of 26, what he wants to do in life.

I feel recently that I've been doing nothing but nag at him and realise that I probably want someone who has more direction and is progressing towards certain goals. Tonight I asked him what he wants to do and he said he wanted to be a "famous musician" or a "respected commentator on world affairs". I feel like this is completely dillusional and that while he has these ideas in his head he won't go down more "normal" routes.

At the same time what I want is not necessarily what he is and that's not his fault and I'm wondering is it just time to call it a day, even though I don't want to do that. Its a case of head vs heart. I guess the question I'm asking is, when do incompatibilites such as these make continuing a relationship pointless? Sorry about the essay!

Esel

Any other incompatibilities?

LegacyUser

Yeah look op. To come out with statements like that, at his stage of life and without doing anything to make himself achieve his goals, just makes him sound like an eejit.

I wouldn't have respect for someone so deluded.

zoobizoo

Okay....

What he actually wants to be is "Somebody" or "Respected" by the sound of it. I mean that in a "he wants to be a success at something and has seen two areas where people are 'recognised' and deemed to be important / have their opinions listened to"

So he might actually be ambitious but doesn't have the tools (yet) or the belief to work towards some goals.

Does he believe in himself? Has he confidence issues?

What is he good at and what kind of position / career could you see him in?

jon1981

Male here, my opinion might be harsh. But this couple are young and this young lady is also trying to establish her own career and so her energy needs to be focused there on herself, by all means support your BF but don't carry him.

I would suggest she asks her boyfriend to put in place a plan to achieve these delusional goals (silly goals). OK she can try and coach him and encourage him but maybe she's not a career coach, maybe he needs to see one. Maybe he is just lazy?! Either way it's up to him to put in place a plan here.

Don't feel bad for thinking like this, it's understandable to be thinking to the future, you want to ensure you have security down the line, can provide a family, stability, buy a house etc. It's natural for a couple to look to each other for compatibility on that level.

If you feel he is making no effort to achieve a better life for himself and there are no underlying issues then you need to figure out if that is going to alter your view of him as this might cause you to resent and fall out of love with him over time.

jon1981

zoobizoo wrote: »

Okay....


So he might actually be ambitious but doesn't have the tools (yet) or the belief to work towards some goals.

Definition of ambition - Desire and determination to achieve success.

OP has your BF demonstrated this anywhere in his life?

He says he wants to be a successful musician.

Does he practice numerous times a week, does he do gigs and try to get noticed... would you say he has demonstrated this desire through his past actions to be a successful musician?

ManOfMystery

Has your boyfriend made any effort to working towards his dream of being a famous musician, or respected commentator on world affairs? As above, does he play gigs and write music and try and approach record companies? Or does he follow world affairs closely, blog on it, apply to be in audiences and so on for current affairs programs, etc?

If he doesn't do any of this or the hundreds of other efforts he could make to progress, then he's a delusional dreamer. It's all pie in the sky. It's no different to my 3yr old telling me he wants to be an astronaut. People like this rarely get anywhere and I imagine he'll be that 50yr old in the pub telling his mates he could have been a contender if life had only thrown him the right curve ball, yet never made any effort for himself. I can't see you reconciling that with your own ambitions, or respecting someone like that.

If he is working towards his goals, then I would say he's ambitious but hasn't got there yet. Which is a very different scenario. In which case, cut him some slack and maybe give it some time to see how things progress. Rome wasn't built in a day and many successful people didn't make it until late in their 30s or even 40s. Ricky Gervais is a prime example; worth millions now thanks to his TV and film ventures and the profitability of 'The Office' syndication in USA, but didn't have any substantial success until he hit 40.

Augme

If you get to the stage where you try and constantly nag someone in an attempt to force them to change then I think it's fair to say you have reached the point where it's time to call it a day.

silverbolt

He works, he doesnt like it but he works. So he has some drive.

Whilst i admit it is very unlikely he will become a world famous musician there is no reason why he cannot become one. Does he practice? Play?

I was 32 before I found my passion in life adn another two years to work toward it - and i still dont have all ive worked from it.

If you want to end it then thats up to you - but have you exhausted all other options

SarahMollie

Just a thought, but a lot of posters are taking these "aspirations" of the OP's boyfriend as serious.

I know some people who give silly answers as an avoidance tactic, especailly if they feel like they're being nagged.

Its entirely possible that this guy isnt remotely ambitious, and that these are just stock responses to deal with the conversation.

OP - do you feel this might ring through?

I have one example in my life where a couple are at extremely different levels careerwise. She is a university lecturer and he has an unskilled job. For whatever reason, it doesnt seem to be a problem or a bone of contention between them. However, I've seen far many more examples of situations like this not working out, so while its possible, its definitely not the norm.

If you're not ok with it, then it won't work.

GingerLily

When myself and my fiance got together we hadn't two cents to rub together, but we both knew we needed to push ourselves and make our own futures, it's been tough but amazing to have someone who's understands the hard work and has the ambition there with you.

We recently both changed jobs motivated by each other. It's important to me to have someone who will motivate me when I need a push, and who I can help when they need support in return.

I'm not saying you should write your partner off OP, but it sounds like you want ambition in a life partner and I can completely empathise with you as I find it really important myself.

timmy880

A "famous musician" or a "respected commentator on world affairs".....

These are 2 absolute joke answers to give. Do you actually believe this? Sounds like something you'd say while finishing a level of Call of Duty on your Xbox and you don't want to be annoyed anymore.

Not saying that either of the above are not possible careers for somebody to have, but just not for this type of individual.

MmmmmCheese

jon1981 wrote: »

OP has your BF demonstrated this anywhere in his life?

He says he wants to be a successful musician.

Does he practice numerous times a week, does he do gigs and try to get noticed... would you say he has demonstrated this desire through his past actions to be a successful musician?

To be fair, he is always on his guitar, writing songs and he is proactive with gigs, usually with one at least every couple of weeks and he does get himself out there on social media and open mics. So his famous musician comment isn't completely out of the blue, he does love music and dedicates quite a lot of time to it and is very creative. Hell, him being a musician is one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place. The only thing I take issue with is that it's incredibly difficult to make it in the music business. Talented, dedicated musicians are one a penny, and you need incredible luck along with incredible talent to make a living out of being one, not to mention becoming a "famous" one. I don't know how long I'm willing to wait while he struggles along in search of this hard to attain goal.

Someone mentioned about it being a facetious answer. There might be something in that, because he said it in the heat of an argument and he may just have said it out of frustration.

I just have visions of the future, having kids and having to work insane hours to support a family and missing my kids grow up because of his lack of financial contribution due to an unstable job situation.

Another thing is that he keeps alluding that I'm a snob and that all I care about is money and status because of my issues with this. I don't feel that this is true but could that be how it's coming across? I feel sometimes that I'm "the man" stomping on his dreams and trying to make him conform. I just want security and to be comfortable financially

Magicmatilda

MmmmmCheese wrote: »

I probably want someone who has more direction and is progressing towards certain goals.

But he does have direction, he is writing songs and doing gigs. Sounds like he is putting in the effort and in the meantime working retail jobs to earn a crust. IMO 26 is a bit young to be giving up on that.

It sounds like you want someone who has more financial resources. Someone who can help you achieve the life that you want and he may not be able to do that financially. That is OK. It is OK for you to want that and OK for him not to change his ambitions to meet your wants.

I think it would help if you were honest with yourself that actually this is not about ambition or drive but it is about money. That does not make you a bad person to want some who can provide financially. But I think it would help if you admitted to yourself that this is the case.

I think it is interesting that in your original OP you left out the fact that this man who has no direction or ambition is working on his music in addition to his mundane job. Do you not see that as direction or ambition? Or did you know that others would take it into account?

MmmmmCheese

Magicmatilda wrote: »

But he does have direction, he is writing songs and doing gigs. Sounds like he is putting in the effort and in the meantime working retail jobs to earn a crust.

It sounds like you want someone who has more financial resources. Someone who can help you achieve the life that you want and he may not be able to do that financially. That is OK. It is OK for you to want that and OK for him not to change his ambitions to meet your wants.

I think it would help if you were honest with yourself that actually this is not about ambition or drive but it is about money. That does not make you a bad person to want some who can provide financially. But I think it would help if you admitted to yourself that this is the case.

I think it is interesting that in your original OP you left out the fact that this man who has no direction or ambition is working on his music in addition to his mundane job. Do you not see that as direction or ambition? Or did you know that others would take it into account?

It is definitely true that I want someone who can contribute financially. I don't need him to be rolling in it, I just don't want to have to bail him out when he's run out of money half way through the month, which is what has been happening these last few months and doesn't fill me with confidence for the future. He had been working only part time hours (until this week) and had not being actively looking for full time hours for months.

And yes, I do see his music as ambition but unrealistic ambition nonetheless. Just wish he had a plan b I guess.

MmmmmCheese

Magicmatilda wrote: »

It sounds like you want someone who has more financial resources. Someone who can help you achieve the life that you want and he may not be able to do that financially. That is OK. It is OK for you to want that and OK for him not to change his ambitions to meet your wants.

And I suppose this is the crux of the matter and what is causing my dilemma

KikiDee

MmmmmCheese wrote: »

At the same time what I want is not necessarily what he is and that's not his fault and I'm wondering is it just time to call it a day, even though I don't want to do that.

Hey OP,

this is pretty much what stuck out for me in your post. It may not be what you want on the outset but you did type he's not what you want.

silverbolt

speaking as a creative person whos dating an extremely creative person. If your looking for him to jump onto the machine give up on his music dreams and passions just so that you have a healthier bank account - then i suggest leaving. He wont be happy having to devote so much time to the rat race and you wont be happy having a poor but talented musician partner.

Not everyone wants to earn the big bucks, not everyone wants to stay in the same place. Ultimately if neither of you change it will lead one of you to become very resentful

beks101

Don't they say that money issues is the biggest cause of divorce in couples. Honestly OP, I think this is where you would be headed if you married this man.

It's OK to want certain things in life. You want someone who can be a financial partner, an equal to you, who you can rely on and fall back on if you find yourself stuck. Someone who's interested in the same future as you and who's willing to work hard for it.

I think you could easily coast along in this relationship and kick the can down the road to your thirties, when all the practical things will become important and you will become resentful of your OH for not being on the same page. Mortgage, marriage, babies will be a problem. You have to work bloody hard and save your ass off for those things. That's the reality of your incompatibility. It could impact on your future, it could leave you in financial dire straits.

That said, maybe he's just a mid-twenties guy living in the moment and will wake up one day and realize the music won't pay the bills and it's time to get a steady job. Who knows.

The thing is though, you can't put all your money on that. You have to accept the guy as he is now and figure out whether or not you're willing to accept the consequences of your differing levels of ambition. Does he fulfill you emotionally and does your love for him overshadow all of this?

cactusgal

I went through something similar with my ex-fiance. He was an artist, and was very talented, but never succeeded in actually securing full-time work, because he just didn't have the work ethic to make it happen. I am also in an arts-centred industry, however, I've another job on top of that which allows me to pursue my artistic interests, along with saving money, having a pension, getting to travel/take holidays, etc etc. My ex-fiance, despite having two Bachelor's degrees and two Master's degrees, was working in a minimum wage job, part-time, not attempting find work in an art-related field, and just kind of coasting by. I knew that if I ever got pregnant, I'd have to be the one to go straight back to work, because he just couldn't be bothered.

I learned a very valuable lesson in that relationship: Do not ever, EVER date someone based on their potential. Date them for who they are. Every day, they are showing you who they are. If you're not happy with who they are, right now, then leave. Seriously.

Several years later, I met my current boyfriend. Like me, he is also an artistic type. He's a musician and a composer, is in a band, and has done great things musically. He loves it and it's his passion, but he makes f*ck all money from it, but it's cool because he's also got a full time, permanent job teaching music. We'll never be rich, but between the two of us, both being artsy types, we've got a small house in Dublin, a car, some savings, and a holiday every year. And we both work hard, but we've still got out artsy hobbies as well. It's a world of difference from my ex!!!

Richard Hillman

This is only going to go one way. You will both end up resenting each other. On your part you will feel that he is holding you back and on his part he will be envious and turn angry.

You sound young. Never settle for second best. Your significant other should inspire you to better things. You at that for him (or should be), he isn't doing much for you.

In years to come you will be a success in your field and earning well. He won't be. You will fancy an extravagant holiday, he won't be able to afford it. You offer to pay, he won't take it well. Stuff like this repeats for meals out, date nights, living arrangements, bills etc.

You have options, explore them.

leggo

You're with a starving artist, that's not for some people and what you're perhaps learning here is that it isn't for you.

What attracts us to someone initially is very rarely what keeps us with someone. Women may fall for a guy because he's confident and funny, but they marry him because he makes them feel good about themselves, provides them security (emotional and financial), and a million other things that go deeper than looks, humour and confidence.

All you're experiencing here is the discomfort involved with not having the things that you need in a partner you want to build a future with. He is who he is and you can't, won't and shouldn't ever try to change that, especially when 'who he is' isn't particularly problematic to anyone but you (it's not as if he's a drug or gambling addict like). You're in the ****ty situation of realising all of this while still probably liking the person underneath it, so there's no direct excuse to finish it and it probably feels easier to change yourself and your own values when, really, there's nothing wrong with them either.

I'm not going to advise you to break up with him because that's so easy to do over the Internet, but recognise these feelings and the reality for what it is and see how you feel about it all then.

Tipperary Fairy

Your OP seemed to be all about ambition, but your last is all about financial stability. The two, while often eventually equated, are not the same thing. You said that you are educated but in a low paying job for the moment. You have a plan to get to a point, and you're hoping you will. I don't know if you know what it's like to be a person who doesn't know what they want to do with their life (career), but it's not pleasant for that person either. I'm 32, I have no idea what I want to work at, I'm just 'coasting' as you would put it, but does my boyfriend give a ****? No, because it's nothing to do with our relationship, how 'ambitious' I am.

What you can be concerned about is how you're going to manage financially in the future, if you plan on sharing finances and having children. Do you know that's something he wants to do? Have you spoken about this? You haven't said what he gets paid as a retail worker. I got paid a decent wage while I was in retail, honestly not a whole lot less than what I got paid in my government job. But yeah you've hopped from it being about ambition and coasting to it being about worrying if he can support a family. Which is it?

If it's about ambition, maybe you should try figure out why it bothers you? Why does it make any difference to your relationship? Maybe you could try taking up some hobbies together, and maybe he'll come across something that he really likes to do. Just an idea.

If it's about money and support, you really should have a proper sit-down conversation with him, like adults, and figure out if you're on the same page about your needs and wants for the future. You can lay out your concerns in this context instead and it might make more sense to him.

As a person who has no ambition, I can tell you it's frustrating, I want to want to do something. I would love to have something that I'm that passionate about that I want to pour hours into to achieve something. But I just don't. It's possible your boyfriend is the same. And if so, your nagging is doing absolutely no good at all, only serving to make him feel bad that he's not more like you.

Wompa1

You got with him when he was trying to be a musician but now you don't like it because you don't see him being successful enough to make good money?

What is it you want a partner to help with? How much money would somebody have to make?

My wife makes a tenth of what I make but it wouldn't make me love her less. I can't grasp giving up love over money. Particularly when the guy is only 26!

GingerLily

There's a difference between wanting a partner who can financially support you and wanting a partner who you don't have to constantly bail out while your head is barely above water.

Some posters are being extremely unfair on the OP.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

There's nothing wrong with being ambitious, there's nothing wrong with not being ambitious. There is something wrong with staying in a relationship with someone where the difference in outlook is causing you both worry and stress.

There are things he could do to earn more income and upskill that are directly related to music, someone above mentioned their partner teaches, would he consider that? Guitar isn't the best instrument for that, does he know or would he learn another? Would he go back to college as a mature student and do a music degree? Besides anything else it's a great way to build up a network of contacts for gigs, sessions etc. But you can't make him do any of this, and it's possible that any pressure he senses coming from you will just make him dig his heels in.

Have ye discussed why you're concerned about this, i.e. marriage and babies? At 26 and based on what you've told us I doubt he's thinking in those terms at all.