Toddler discipline - what are the options?

finooola

How do you get a toddler to listen to you and stop misbehaving or doing something dangerous? I know you're supposed to get down to their eye level, and that together with a stern voice used to work great for my young lad. He's 17 months. The stern voice has no effect anymore. He just looks defiant or has a little smirk at me or whoever is trying to tell him off. If he's doing something that's not a big deal I generally try to ignore it on the principle of not rewarding the bad behaviour with attention. However, I need something for when he's doing something really destructive or dangerous.

He's too young for time outs or the naughty step.

I'm a bit worried now because I thought I was going to be a reasonably strict parent, but it turns out that after the cross/stern voice (which doesn't work) I'm pretty much out of ideas!

He is very good most of the time but he is wilful when he wants to do something and doesn't like holding mammy or daddy's hand near roads and open water and things like that.

mirrorwall14

Following as I have exactly the same issue with my 18 month old. He's tantruming ranging from whining to full blown flinging himself on the floor and banging his head on purpose. At the moment we ignore then distract but I honestly don't know what else to do. We've tried doing firm voice, down on his level, breathing etc and it just makes him worse....

evolving_doors

finooola wrote: »

How do you get a toddler to listen to you and stop misbehaving or doing something dangerous? I know you're supposed to get down to their eye level, and that together with a stern voice used to work great for my young lad. He's 17 months. The stern voice has no effect anymore. He just looks defiant or has a little smirk at me or whoever is trying to tell him off. If he's doing something that's not a big deal I generally try to ignore it on the principle of not rewarding the bad behaviour with attention. However, I need something for when he's doing something really destructive or dangerous.

He's too young for time outs or the naughty step.

I'm a bit worried now because I thought I was going to be a reasonably strict parent, but it turns out that after the cross/stern voice (which doesn't work) I'm pretty much out of ideas!

He is very good most of the time but he is wilful when he wants to do something and doesn't like holding mammy or daddy's hand near roads and open water and things like that.

It's a tough one alright, he's discovering his independence now, not wanting to hold hands when on the footpath is a perfect example.
You just got to keep trying to reinforce the idea of danger and getting hurt. Like if he stubs his toe when opening a door on it just explain to him what happened and keep saying "the door is dangerous isn't it". At the moment he probably doesn't have the vocab/understanding to really know what 'danger' is. Especially as it's in the future... and he has no idea of bad things happening 'in the future' when he just lives in the present. Keep trying and keep talking to him. Discuss the misbehaviour incidents openly when he's with other people he likes.. like grandad or an auntie, and they'll back you up about holding hands etc.
Another thing to do is raise his awareness of traffic when it's relatively quiet by asking him 'can you hear a car?' or 'what's that sound?'

A few other tricks is to give him choices so that he thinks he's the one in control. e.g.
'come on Johnnie you have to hold my hand don't be bold' = Screamfest
'Johnnie do you want to hold Mammy's hand or Daddies hand' = might work

Practice somewhere when it's relatively quiet if you can.

Stick with it and discuss the incidents later when everything is calm like at dinner ... unless there's food wars going on too:pac:

You're probably into the terrible 2 stages next so be prepared for a long journey of learning.

jlm29

I actually used a naughty corner with my older boy, from younger than 18mo. I can't remember exactly what age he was, but I reserved it for things that were either dangerous or exceptionally annoying! (Going in behind the tv and playing with the wires, looking like he was going to pull the tv down on top of himself-now that I think of it, a lot of the infringements were tv related!).
This is going to sound awful, but I used say "no" very firmly, and then bring him to the designated corner- sit him in it, and actually hold him down (as in, hold him in a sitting position, I don't want to sound like I rugby tackled him to the ground) so he couldn't escape. It was quite effective. He soon learned that that "no" meant business.

otwb1

Definitely not too young for a time-out. As soon as my guy started having tantrums (about a year old) he was welcome to work away, but in a certain room. We said to him that it was OK to be upset, but that he had to go to the dining room. He also banged his head so I put cushions around him during the tantrum.

Out and about I just let him work away if it was safe (only happened twice so I was lucky enough). On one occasion he started the tantrum but I kept walking and he just got up again and followed me.

He's two now and if he's being bold I explain what he needs to do/or stop doing. If he ignores me I then tell him that he's going to the dining room if he doesn't stop by the time I count to three. 9/10 times he's fine, but I always follow up if I need to. Working well so far!

galah

Question for those that give choices

I'm a big fan, choices worked really well for the firstborn (blue shirt or green, apple or banana, etcetc.), gave him a sense of control and really made life easier.

But what do you do when the supposedly easy choices are met with a rather firm "no!"....? The two year old cannot be distracted by it; he simply refuses either choice, ending up in even bigger battles. So the battle escalates from a simple "colour of shirt" to a massive "i don't want to wear clothes at all"- not something that's fun at 8 am when you're supposed to be on your way to work...i was told that sending my kid naked to childcare isnt an option (:D) so what do you do?


On the more dangerous stuff, i would provide one alternative (hold mammies hand or i'll have to carry you) - or pure stubbornness back (we are not going anywhere until you hold my hand as the roads are dangerous). Just be prepared to follow through! (Which is where i fall down on the part above - don't want to wrestle a toddler into his clothes and cant send him naked).

iguana

I'd actually avoid a stern voice as much as possible. Kids learn to tune that out because if you use it often enough, they realise quickly that it means you are saying something they don't want to hear. And as they get older, they will start to use the same tone back at you, which isn't nice. Firm but conversational is how you want to keep the tone of your voice, not too different from normal. You are saying something important and you need them to listen, so you need to speak in a way that entices listening.

LegacyUser

You are the adult.You have to be consistent and repetitive in your response.
Well that's my motto, as the mother of a 25 month old girl. :-)
At 17 months I was saying 'no' and following up with action, such as physically removing her from something she was doing to make my point.She learned no means no.
Now at 25 months and with a wide world of vocabulary, it"s a lot more difficult BUT she knows when I say no I mean it.Except now I say no and she tells me 'but just wait mammy, I need to do xyz, ok??'.(Still no!!!!)
I never really went in for time outs becasue to be honest, she just looked at me in total confusion when I did it.Not particularly bothered, just confused.
As for the hand holding thing, my choices are hold the hand or get in the buggy.If you want to have a tantrum go for it, but you'll be having it in the buggy, or in the car seat as we turn around and go back home.Mine is a runner and I have a baby, I can't be having a two year old walking on busy streets unless she's contained in some way.
As for the little guy who won't put his tshirt on-I remember reading someone here who said they brought their child to creche in his vest one November morning after that argument.The argument never happened again.Bring him in his pyjamas if you must, I imagine it will nip it in the bud pretty quick.
The biggest thing is meaning what you say.Once you cross that hurdle, you are on your way.If no means no, then you need to stop them doing what they're doing, regardless of tantrums or anything else, and you keep doing it until they get the message.Coz it only gets worse!!! :-)

evolving_doors

With the choices... Maybe load one of them to look like a sh1te option, if you watch any of those dermot bannon or interior decorator shows they invariably wind up offering the 'customer'...
1. Their choice
Or
2. The most offensive disguising option on this planet.

Chuchote

Where possible, you see trouble before it happens and use diversion and diffusion.

If a tantrum happens at home, you stay calm and wait till the worst has blown itself out without the kid getting too upset, then get down to their level and try to get them laughing. (Do Mothercare still do those 'unbreakable' mirrors? I used to find making faces at myself in the mirror so a kid could see worked well, once the major drama was over. Then change the subject, have a sit-down with some milk and bikkies or something calm like that.

If a tantrum happens in public, immediately leave with the child, even if you have to leave a full load of shopping. Don't guilt-trip the chld over this, s/he can't help it. But if a child is having regular tantrums because the shopping experience is too horrifyingly delightful, get a babysitter, whizz out and do the shopping fast, and then ask the child for help with putting things away, ignore if 'no' and do it yourself, making it look like fun, then do something nice with the kid – a read, a sit-down, a walk.

Sligo1

We have a very independent little lady that often will refuse to hold my hand when walking. Every single time she refuses when I ask her, I give her a chance. I tell her she can hold my hand or will be carried (she doesn't like being carried and wants to walk). If she still refuses she is then picked up (usually whilst flailing about and screaming). While I have her in my arms I ask her again, " will you hold mummy's hand and walk or will mummy have to carry you". I put her down and try again. If she refuses again, up again she comes. It can take 2 or 3 tries but she ends up holding my hand every single time after as she doesn't like the alternative. I end up a little bit sweaty after it. Lol. But it usually only takes once to work unless she is very determined... So that'd be picking her up 2-3 times. She is 2y4m now and pretty good. But have been doing this with her for a good few months now.

Neyite

Lots of great suggestions here - and its really not a one-size-fits-all thing either. All kids and parents will find one thing that clicks better for them than another family's methods.

What I would say to you is that its a marathon, not a sprint. Teaching a toddler to behave is an ongoing learning process so don't be disheartened if methods don't work immediately. It took me about 6 months of trialling various methods to deal with him running off in a shop/car park or whatever before I found what worked for us. (literally just dropping the shopping basket and going home immediately after warnings weren't heeded- I just put him in the car and home. Second time I got as far as the car with him and he was perfectly behaved after that, now all it takes is a stern warning. But it was a work in progress)

Sometimes I've diffused a brewing tanty in the morning by empathising with him. He doesn't want to go to crèche? We all have days like that most days. And letting him know that you'd also love to stay at home and play but you have to go to work and you are sad about that too. Then switch to asking which of his friends might be in crèche today etc.

I even made a time out bottle. I got a water soluble glitter glue, put it into a drinks bottle and watered it down until the glitter took exactly 3 minutes to settle from shaken) Then I superglued the lid on. I know it works brilliantly for some kids but it worked better on calming me down than it did with him :pac:

I do think though that you have to strike a balance between choosing your battles and guiding good behaviour. It's no good for example to not address behaviour at the table at home then expect them to behave differently in a cafe. You do have to constantly use gentle correction for the small stuff so that they behave for the big stuff. So I do tell him to stop hanging off his chair /sit properly at home so that he will do it with the Look when out and about.

We are at the whiny stage which we are trying to work on. I seem to be constantly saying "don't whine, ask in your nice voice" pretty much constantly these days. As with every stage, I tell myself it will pass!

Dravokivich

Whenever my son was doing anything I didn't want him to do at that age, I'd encourage him to do something I wanted him to do and celebrate when he's done it. He's gotten so used to it that it's not really an issue now.