I'm living in fear...of time

roro1990

This is a complex issue for me to deal with and sometimes I break down and cry just because of time and the fact that my life is a ticking time bomb essentially. I am scared ****less by the fact that X amount of time has passed. It's all going so quickly -- the last few months have absolutely flown by and it seems to be going quicker by the year. I was working abroad one year ago today and it honestly feels like two months. I don't know where it's going.

When I have a good day it always hits me like a punch in the face at the end before sleep -- I'm going to grow old and die. Then I think about the stuff that I haven't achieved, the friends that I haven't made and I feel even more depressed and scared. I'm 26 now.

The fact that we only have one go at life and I've made a mess of a lot of it depresses me so much. I never really made many friends at college, I spent a lot of my early 20s alone, in fear of other people. I don't wake up happy and smiling every day and that worsens this feeling because I'm wasting my short time on earth in an unhappy state.

I'm reaching out on here because I don't know if anyone else understands or can relate to this issue. Any advice at all would be appreciated.

ongarboy

I'm not sure what to say OP only that life can and does change as you get older. I've just hit the 40 mark and my life is completely different to my early 30s which in turn was completely different to my 20s. I had different jobs in different companies in different countries in that space of time. Very few of the friends I was close to back in my 20s are particularly close now but I've a whole bunch of new friends.

Your age, 26, was such a significant year for me as I came out as gay that year. It was a new life for me and I felt I could finally start breathing and living properly without being in constant fear of being exposed. I previously felt your loneliness due to my living in the closet while I enviously watched all my peers live their conventional lives. But life changed because I did something about it. I met so many new people and friends, started proper man to man dating instead of pretend straight dating, met my boyfriend and re-engaged with my family as we all became mature adults as opposed to previously immature teenagers/young adults, become an uncle numerous times over to adorable nieces and nephews, met and became friends with new brothers/sisters in-laws, got promotions and pay-rises that helped secure a mortgage and nicer holidays and other nice things, engaged in and loving new exercise routines that have me fitter than when I was at 21. Life isn't perfect for me and I still harbour some issues from my past that occasionally manifest themselves in different ways but I don't or can't let them control my outlook in life.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that life isn't over just because you feel your current or past situation isn't/wasn't ideal. It's what you do about your future. Is there one single thing you can do tomorrow or in the next few weeks that could bring about even some small positive change in your life? I really think there has to be at least one thing and would hope that would be an addictive stepping stone to further self initiated positive changes. You have decades ahead of you all being well and you have the power to make them happy and fulfilled. Please don't write yourself off!

beks101

roro1990 wrote: »

I never really made many friends at college, I spent a lot of my early 20s alone, in fear of other people.

This stood out to me. It sounds like you struggle with anxiety and it's something that's been ongoing for quite a while now. It's currently being channelled into this 'time' thing, whereas previously it was fear of other people. Have you ever sought help with this or visited a GP?

zoobizoo

Have a read of Be Not Afraid: Overcoming the Fear of Death or even The Road Less Travelled.

I don't know many people who wake up smiling and happy every day. I can't imagine anyone being like that, ever.

Maybe you are not working in a job that you like - maybe you don't have enough quality relationships - maybe you don't have a hobby or interest that gets you buzzing - maybe you are lonely...

Have you spoken with anyone about this - like a therapist?

roro1990

zoobizoo wrote: »

Have a read of Be Not Afraid: Overcoming the Fear of Death or even The Road Less Travelled.

I don't know many people who wake up smiling and happy every day. I can't imagine anyone being like that, ever.

Maybe you are not working in a job that you like - maybe you don't have enough quality relationships - maybe you don't have a hobby or interest that gets you buzzing - maybe you are lonely...

Have you spoken with anyone about this - like a therapist?

I'm definitely lonely. Not in the sense that I can't stand being by myself. I'm an only child so im used to that. I work from home so its more of a lack of any social outlet. Ive always thought a therapist would help me but I never know where to find one that's good. I'm not loaded so it would be a big investment risking money on someone that i dont know could help me.

ManOfMystery

I had a bit of a brief spell many, many years ago where I felt like you OP. Woke up one day and was taken over with the thoughts of getting old and dying. And things I wanted to do before then. And even if I did those thing, what would it achieve? If I became a famous author, or won the lottery, or became a President - I die at the end just like everybody else, so what does it matter? So what if I contribute something to the world which history will judge valuable, what good does it do me when I pop my clogs?

That kind of thinking can consume you utterly. Life is for living, not spending it dwelling on the pointlessness of it all. Every time you laugh at something, or get an adrenalin rush doing something crazy, or be touched by a piece of music, or fall in love with someone - that's what living is. It's about enjoying those experiences. So try and do as many of them as you can. Don't dwell on achievements you may or may not have made; they're in the past and the past is fixed forever, never to be changed. Look ahead and use that wisdom to decide what you can change in the future.

A friend of mine ultimately helped me out of that way of thinking. He said life is just a journey, and each one of us is our own driver. Occasionally you'll hit a roadblock, or be pushed onto a different path, or have to go back and take a different way. Sometimes you'll feel you're not in control if the road gets bumpy. But ultimately - you're the driver, and you pick the destination. If there's something in your life you're not content with, then start making the changes today to address it.

zoobizoo

roro1990 wrote: »

I'm definitely lonely. Not in the sense that I can't stand being by myself. I'm an only child so im used to that. I work from home so its more of a lack of any social outlet. Ive always thought a therapist would help me but I never know where to find one that's good. I'm not loaded so it would be a big investment risking money on someone that i dont know could help me.

It seems that you need to make more or just better connections in terms of friends / relationships.

If I was spending all that time on my own, I'd be questioning my life too.

Have you any hobbies? People ask that all the time on here - it's more to do with, what gets you going? What makes you tick? And from that, can friendships be created

In terms of a therapist, it's worth finding a good one. Cost varies to up to about €70 a session but worth it if you find someone you can work with. There are less expensive options out there too.

It's an investment in yourself.

Do have a read of those books though. And The Feeling Good Handbook - which is very practical.

Squall Leonhart

zoobizoo wrote:

I don't know many people who wake up smiling and happy every day. I can't imagine anyone being like that, ever.

This is what struck me too.

I don't believe anybody lives like that, perhaps OP unrealistic ideals are contributing towards your anxiety

roro1990

zoobizoo wrote: »

It seems that you need to make more or just better connections in terms of friends / relationships.

If I was spending all that time on my own, I'd be questioning my life too.

Have you any hobbies? People ask that all the time on here - it's more to do with, what gets you going? What makes you tick? And from that, can friendships be created

In terms of a therapist, it's worth finding a good one. Cost varies to up to about €70 a session but worth it if you find someone you can work with. There are less expensive options out there too.

It's an investment in yourself.

Do have a read of those books though. And The Feeling Good Handbook - which is very practical.

Yeah, I've plenty of hobbies. All quite solitary, though. I love soccer, which can be sociable but it's difficult to find anyone to play it with when you're 26. I used to be able to just go out on the street and join a game but obviously that's not practical anymore.

My other hobbies include food and travel, and I usually combine them. I'm the kind of person to get on a plane somewhere 1000s of miles away just to eat local cuisine. So that's a pretty big passion. I started to learn guitar 3 years ago and practise daily, which is a nice improvement from video games. And I also like to read.

Even writing the above out makes me sound like an interesting person, and I probably am. But the anxiety/shyness around people gets in the way of me meeting others and really pushing myself to be sociable. This lack of sociability makes me feel like im missing out on life and thus has lead to this time issue. Sort of an existential crisis i guess.

zoobizoo

roro1990 wrote: »

Yeah, I've plenty of hobbies. All quite solitary, though. I love soccer, which can be sociable but it's difficult to find anyone to play it with when you're 26. I used to be able to just go out on the street and join a game but obviously that's not practical anymore.

My other hobbies include food and travel, and I usually combine them. I'm the kind of person to get on a plane somewhere 1000s of miles away just to eat local cuisine. So that's a pretty big passion. I started to learn guitar 3 years ago and practise daily, which is a nice improvement from video games. And I also like to read.

Even writing the above out makes me sound like an interesting person, and I probably am. But the anxiety/shyness around people gets in the way of me meeting others and really pushing myself to be sociable. This lack of sociability makes me feel like im missing out on life and thus has lead to this time issue. Sort of an existential crisis i guess.

We seem to be getting to the nub then - anxiety and shyness. I'll come back to those.

At least 3 of my friends and two of my brothers, all in their mid 40s play indoor soccer once a week. Go to your local pitches and see what's on offer.

In terms of anxiety and shyness:
Have a read of the Feeling Good Handbook - order it online. Full of practical advice for you.

Talk to someone about your anxiety and shyness. There are lots of shy people out there, more than we realise.

Emotional Focussed Therapy might be what you are looking for...

If you can get your ass on a plane on your own and fly across the world to eat a curry, then you are braver than about 90% of the people you will ever encounter....

beks101

beks101 wrote: »

This stood out to me. It sounds like you struggle with anxiety and it's something that's been ongoing for quite a while now. It's currently being channelled into this 'time' thing, whereas previously it was fear of other people. Have you ever sought help with this or visited a GP?

Exactly, the time issue is just a focal point for a more general anxiety and the first step to dealing with it is to see your GP and repeat everything you've said here. They'll have seen anxiety in all its forms and won't think there's anything unusual about you, anxiety is very common.

There's no need for you to feel this way and the first step to feeling better is to get medical help. Please seek it out as soon as possible so you can move forwards and enjoy your life.

roro1990

Candie wrote: »

Exactly, the time issue is just a focal point for a more general anxiety and the first step to dealing with it is to see your GP and repeat everything you've said here. They'll have seen anxiety in all its forms and won't think there's anything unusual about you, anxiety is very common.

There's no need for you to feel this way and the first step to feeling better is to get medical help. Please seek it out as soon as possible so you can move forwards and enjoy your life.

I've tried 2 or 3 docs for anxiety but they all mention SSRIs, which I'm reluctant to try due to side effects. Well, I tried one or two of them before and gave up quickly. As much as anxiety is an issue for me, is it worth experiencing sexual dysfunction over? (SSRIs cause that)

roro1990

roro1990 wrote: »

I've tried 2 or 3 docs for anxiety but they all mention SSRIs, which I'm reluctant to try due to side effects. Well, I tried one or two of them before and gave up quickly. As much as anxiety is an issue for me, is it worth experiencing sexual dysfunction over? (SSRIs cause that)

They can but I believe it's not common. The settling in period of taking that medication can take a few weeks, so you probably gave up too soon. There is often a period in the beginning where symptoms worsen, but after a few weeks they lessen considerably. In general, this isn't medical advice and only what I'm personally aware of through experiences of people I know.

Go back to your doc and discuss the matter more fully, they might be able to put your mind at rest over the medication and you'll likely find that once your anxiety is addressed, your fixation with time will lessen or completely disappear.

Either way, you need medical help to get on top of this issue because it's really blighting your life, and that's time you can't get back.

Squall Leonhart

roro1990 wrote: »

I've tried 2 or 3 docs for anxiety but they all mention SSRIs, which I'm reluctant to try due to side effects. Well, I tried one or two of them before and gave up quickly. As much as anxiety is an issue for me, is it worth experiencing sexual dysfunction over? (SSRIs cause that)

I have had 4 periods of my life where I was taking SSRI's. All 4 times they improved my mental health (it wasn't anxiety, it was depression). The last time a few years ago you could say it caused sexual dysfunction I guess, by which I mean it removed all desire completely. It was an odd feeling, didn't realise how much of a factor of my day to day life my sexual identity was, is. So that was a very odd feeling, as if I was neutered almost. However it did the job and acted as a crutch while a broken mind healed a bit and if I ever feel the need to take them again, I will. It's worth it.

PS, desire returned to normal after a while