Desperate to help family member with Despression

TolanReddy

I created a Boards.ie account today as I am desperate to help my sister.
Apologies if I am using this site incorrectly but I'm doing my best!

My sister has suffered with anxiety and depression since she was as young as 10. It came on suddenly and my parents immediately tried everything to help. They were told she was schizophrenic, traumatised, going through a phase...everything until they discovered it was generalized anxiety.

Despite my parents support and efforts her anxiety took over her life, she stopped going to school and for a few weeks she didn't leave her room.

I have a feeling the year she missed in school was crucial for her social skills and has now affected her for life as she cannot seem to make any close friends.

She has come so far and is now living what seems to be a normal life. She is gorgeous, has a great job, a good close family and has one or two friends in work that she will go on a night out with once a month or so but she has never ever had a close friend.

After about 13 years of suffering she is very lonely and still suffers with depression and says she has always had a cloud over her and even on good days she feels scared and hopeless that her mind will never be ok and she will never enjoy life.

I'm very close with her but when I was around 18/19 I selfishly told her to stop confiding in our mother because its too heart breaking for her. I told her to talk to me instead. Sometimes I find myself pushing her away because I am also heart broken to hear her so upset. I have talked to professionals about dealing with my guilty feelings towards her but I don't think anything can take away these feelings

Our phone call an hour ago has fueled me to write this post as I feel I have no other options. I am completely heartbroken to hear how sad and lonely she feels. She has spoken to a lot of professionals and she now says shes afraid to keep trying because shes worried therapy wont work and she'll feel even more hopeless.

Her main fears are; 1. She will never make friends, 2. Even if she does she will never be able to escape her mind.

My reason for writing this post is to maybe hear from someone who may have suffered from depression for a significant amount of time and has come out of it or has definitely improved their way of thinking? I think it would give her hope that she can change her way of thinking and it isn't going to be forever.

Or if anyone has been through something similar and has any advice for me?

baby and crumble

First of all, fair play for trying to help your sister. Anything I say in this post is just by way of personal experience, just FYI, and what I believe. This may or may not wrk for you guys.

in all honesty, the only person who can actually help your sister is your sister. I have depression (I refuse to use the phrase "suffer", it's just a pet peeve of mine") and sometimes it's ok, sometimes I don't even notice it, sometimes it's like I'm covered in a black plastic tarp and can't see or do anything except huddle down.

TolanReddy wrote: »

I have a feeling the year she missed in school was crucial for her social skills and has now affected her for life as she cannot seem to make any close friends.

Perhaps, but perhaps she's just not a "close friend" kind of person. Or perhaps her anxiety- if it causes her to never leave the house, or to cancel plans- is causing her to struggle to develop friendships she wants.

TolanReddy wrote: »

After about 13 years of suffering she is very lonely and still suffers with depression and says she has always had a cloud over her and even on good days she feels scared and hopeless that her mind will never be ok and she will never enjoy life.

To be honest, all of my friends who have either depression or anxiety issues feel like this. It's awful. Even though on paper I have a fantastic life, I get terrified that the depression is going to come back worse than it ever was before. It's always there, like a niggling toothache. You kind of just have to come to terms with it. I have found Buddhist meditation and learning about how nothing ever stays the same- whether good or bad- has helped my attitude towards my mental health hugely. If you are well, you won't stay well. If you are unwell, you won't stay unwell. Once you understand that, it's oddly freeing.

TolanReddy wrote: »

I'm very close with her but when I was around 18/19 I selfishly told her to stop confiding in our mother because its too heart breaking for her. I told her to talk to me instead. Sometimes I find myself pushing her away because I am also heart broken to hear her so upset. I have talked to professionals about dealing with my guilty feelings towards her but I don't think anything can take away these feelings

I'm going to be totally honest here, that was an awful thing to do, however I can understand why you did it. But you probably made her feel 10 times more guilty than she already did. You have to deal with the consequences of your actions. You told her to come to you and yet when she does you punish her for doing so. Talking about mental health is terrifying and to be honest, however "heartbroken" you are listening to it, trust me, to her it's 50 times worse feeling it.

TolanReddy wrote: »

Our phone call an hour ago has fueled me to write this post as I feel I have no other options. I am completely heartbroken to hear how sad and lonely she feels. She has spoken to a lot of professionals and she now says shes afraid to keep trying because shes worried therapy wont work and she'll feel even more hopeless.

Again, it's not your responsibility to "fix" her. Depression isn't something you can cure, at least I don't believe so. It took me years of reflection to recognise the signs of what triggered my depression, and even though I can feel it coming on, sometimes it's impossible to stave it off. Re: the therapy- it's not just about talking to professionals, personalities come into play too- it can take a long time to find a therapist who actually works the way you need them to. She could try meditation, writing a mood journal to see if she can spot her triggers, all manner of other things too.

TolanReddy wrote: »

Her main fears are; 1. She will never make friends, 2. Even if she does she will never be able to escape her mind.

In my opinion, it's completely pointless to think you can "escape" your mind. In fact, i think that's dangerous. The key for me has been learning to understand my mind better. Actually get closer to it, to how things affect my mood, and how my mood affect my mental health. Regrading the friends thing- she may struggle to make friends, but that doesn't mean she can't. Do her friends that she has know about her mental health? If not, that can be a real struggle to maintain friendships. I pushed friends away for a long time when I was at my worst, luckily they all stuck around but I have seen people loose friends simply because instead of saying "I'm not feeling great today, my depression is really intense right now" and rescheduling a coffee (or whatever) they just cancel and eventually people just think " bugger this" and stop the friendship from the other side. Understandably. I'm not saying she needs to talk about her mental health with everyone she meets, but friendship is a two-way street.

TolanReddy wrote: »

My reason for writing this post is to maybe hear from someone who may have suffered from depression for a significant amount of time and has come out of it or has definitely improved their way of thinking? I think it would give her hope that she can change her way of thinking and it isn't going to be forever.

Or if anyone has been through something similar and has any advice for me?

As I said above, nothing is forever. The only certainly in life is change. If you are blissfully happy, you can be assured it will end sometime, and likewise the reverse. That doesn't mean you ignore the issues, and it does't mean you shouldn't enjoy good times, but nothing can stay the same forever.

Best of luck.

CorkFenian

What does your sister want out of her life? Is it the below points? Do you know what she really wants to do? No one can live for us, we need to know where we want to go for this to really work in my opinion.

Her main fears are; 1. She will never make friends, 2. Even if she does she will never be able to escape her mind

What kind of therapy\professionals has she been receiving\meeting? Is all of their work with her based on medication? How many sessions? Any improvement at all?

I did a course at the Dublin School of Buddhism, I would highly recommend it. First you have be honest and do an audit of your sisters life. How hard does she work on herself? Is she facilitated too much, too often?

http://www.wildmind.org/ is a great site which they use to. I found it a great first step when I had exhausted medication options. Basically I was told they didn't know why I was getting panic attacks, very severe ones. It won't be easy. all of this will be difficult.

Especially with so much time gone in the meantime. Its not impossible if the work is put in. Does your sister work at the moment? Its really down to her , you can't do it for her. All of the work and drive will have to come from her. But it will be worth it, so worth it when she gets to the other side.