When to become exclusive?

Elessar

So I'm dating a girl I met on Tinder for a month now, we text almost every day, we've gone on 4 dates now (with more arranged!) and we have slept together. She's confident, independent and wise for her age and we have a good time when we see each other; we seem to get on really well, I like her and she seems to like me (I hope!). She seems a bit reserved when it comes to making contact but I think that's part of her character, and certainly it's progressing much more slowly than I'm used to - but that's ok, and it kind of suits me (we're both 30).

As we're only a month in, is it a bit early to be discussing becoming exclusive? We're both still active on tinder and I assume she is still dating other guys. But I do like her a lot and would like to see where it goes, as boyfriend and girlfriend. When is a good time to ask her? I don't want to scare her away either by being too much too soon.

Dave0301

If you like her that much, why are you still active on Tinder?

As for when to bring it up...whenever it feels right between the two of you. I know in the past when I have been dating a girl that I like I won't see anyone else and if I think she feels that there is potential for a relationship I will ask her what she thinks.

leggo

These things follow a natural progression. If you're wondering then presumably you guys haven't really spoken about yourselves in a relationshippy context and it's probably too soon. For example once I'm thinking about a relationship with a girl, I'm bringing up relationships around her and talking about what I'm like, what I like and dislike etc, and if they're following suit it's pretty clear to see where it's going. If none of that is being said you're still in the dating, 'try before you buy' stage. Maybe suggest a more intimate date, like going to a nice hotel for a night? Start doing stuff like introducing her to your friends if you haven't already and see how she is with stuff like that. If she kinda pulls back from it, then you've got your answer. If not, and she goes out of her way to make an impression, then it's headed that way and you can lead it all in that direction.

Elessar

Dave0301 wrote: »

If you like her that much, why are you still active on Tinder?

As for when to bring it up...whenever it feels right between the two of you. I know in the past when I have been dating a girl that I like I won't see anyone else and if I think she feels that there is potential for a relationship I will ask her what she thinks.

I'm still active on Tinder because until I get a commitment, I'm keeping my options open (as I'm sure she is). No point moving off the dating scene until we're official - I know from experience how fickle dating is.

It's hard to know when is the right time. I don't want to scare her away or freak her out. How best would one broach the subject?!

These things follow a natural progression. If you're wondering then presumably you guys haven't really spoken about yourselves in a relationshippy context and it's probably too soon. For example once I'm thinking about a relationship with a girl, I'm bringing up relationships around her and talking about what I'm like, what I like and dislike etc, and if they're following suit it's pretty clear to see where it's going. If none of that is being said you're still in the dating, 'try before you buy' stage. Maybe suggest a more intimate date, like going to a nice hotel for a night? Start doing stuff like introducing her to your friends if you haven't already and see how she is with stuff like that. If she kinda pulls back from it, then you've got your answer. If not, and she goes out of her way to make an impression, then it's headed that way and you can lead it all in that direction.

Thanks I might try a night in a hotel at some stage. As I said she's moving slower than I am used to, so it's hard to know what is too much too soon for her. We've a dinner date this week so I'll gently broach the subject, what do you mean by bringing up relationships around her?

leggo

Just naturally. When I'm dating someone I see as relationship potential, I'd be hinting around it. Like say I'd heard something from someone in work about their relationship, I'd bring it up with this person to get their thoughts and gauge what they're like themselves in a relationship, which would then naturally progress to discussion around what she and I are like in a relationship and then it's become fairly evident where everyone's head is at. Or sometimes, if someone is taking it slow, they'll pick up on these hints and push back against them, like doing random-seeming things like answering "what would you do in this situation?" questions with "I'm not even sure if I'm in the right head space for a relationship." By the sounds of things, you've had a few relationships yourself already, so you know how it goes. This just isn't going the normal way and that's not the worst thing in the world either.

If you haven't even gotten to that stage yet, it's almost definitely too early and you could push her away by pushing it. So take it easy and trust the process, if you're cut out for the long run there's no rush. Do try stuff like more intimate dates and having her meet your mates casually and see how it goes, then go from there.

SB_Part2

I know you're saying you're keeping your options open still being on Tinder but if a guy I was dating for over a month was still on Tinder (And i was as well) I can't see it moving to a relationship. After 3/4 dates with the same person, I'd hold off dating other people.

njs030

I've never done any of what leggo says, tbh I couldn't follow it. If you want a relationship you talk about relationships abstractly and see what they say? Huh?

Op perhaps just ask her and see, a conversation is always the best way to find out where someone's head is- if she's not in the same place as you then you can decide if you're willing to wait a while or cut your losses.

leggo

Haha, I'm not saying it's like a formula you have to adhere to, I'm trying to verbalise the little ways I'd gauge where someone's head is at. I wouldn't turn around to someone I'd only been on a couple dates with and be like "LET'S BE IN A RELATIONSHIP I LIKE HOW WE'RE SO HONEST WITH EACH OTHER! " That's a bit intense.

OP's problem is he's only been on a couple of dates and is trying to see where her head is at. Things are moving slower than they normally would for him so he's known her the amount of time you'd start to think about a relationship, but hasn't actually met her the amount of times you would by the time you'd get to that stage, and with Tinder etc and dating culture becoming a thing in Ireland now it's confusing.

Of course you can ask her out straight, but given that you're not sure to begin with, you're kind of getting your answer so I'd say you'll get something along the lines of "I'm not sure" and be left in exactly the same boat you're in.

njs030

leggo wrote: »

Haha, I'm not saying it's like a formula you have to adhere to, I'm trying to verbalise the little ways I'd gauge where someone's head is at. I wouldn't turn around to someone I'd only been on a couple dates with and be like "LET'S BE IN A RELATIONSHIP I LIKE HOW WE'RE SO HONEST WITH EACH OTHER! " That's a bit intense.

OP's problem is he's only been on a couple of dates and is trying to see where her head is at. Things are moving slower than they normally would for him so he's known her the amount of time you'd start to think about a relationship, but hasn't actually met her the amount of times you would by the time you'd get to that stage, and with Tinder etc and dating culture becoming a thing in Ireland now it's confusing.

Of course you can ask her out straight, but given that you're not sure to begin with, you're kind of getting your answer so I'd say you'll get something along the lines of "I'm not sure" and be left in exactly the same boat you're in.

Oh I see now....haha OK.

TBH I think once you're having sex regularly it's time to have that conversation. If you can do those things how can a conversation be more awkward?
I can't imagine sleeping with someone more than once and knowing they were still dating other people.....maybe I'm just old

Penny Tration

The right time to ask and even how to ask, depends entirely on the people involved.

For me, it's when things are about to turn sexual - before i sleep with the person, not after. I don't want to shag someone that's sleeping with other people, because I wouldn't want to increase the risk of diseases.


So for me, it's when you're feeling that it'll start to turn sexual, usually 5-6 dates in.

LegacyUser

It really all depends on the people involved. My ex I didn't ask for up to 6 weeks on initial contact. My current girlfriend I asked after 3 dates, only knowing her for 2 weeks beforehand. We both knew what we wanted and are very similar personality wise, so it worked out very well

As for profiles, after we first met we both deleted them. This wasn't requested by either of us, we did so out of our own accord

Ask when it feels right for you, there's no definitive time to ask

SecretBride

When did it all become so convoluted? On your next date say 'I really like you and I'd like us to be exclusive, what do you think?'

Honestly if she wants to she'll say yes! If she says any other answer then you need to decide what you are looking for from this as to whether you want to hold on in there. If you think you might 'scare her away' then I'm guessing her answer is no and you can move on...

And I agree with the poster above....I would have been off Tinder if I liked her and been checking before sex as to exclusivity!

silverbolt

each to their own pace. Myself and my partner were pretty much an official item the week or so after we hooked up, but we've been really close friends for four years prior to this.

It all depends on where the two people are and what they want.

MeatTwoVeg

So you're regularly sleeping with someone but not exclusive?

Jesus, I'm glad I'm not 'dating' in the Ireland of today.

beks101

Welcome to the 21st century meattwoveg
:-)

OP if it were me I'd be deleting my Tinder profile and then mentioning it to her. I know you want to keep your options open but life, and relationships, is about taking risks and sometimes you have to make that extra move out of your comfort zone when you really want something. Besides, tinder's not going anywhere. You can log back on in a few weeks if it all goes tits up.

I was guarded and cautious with men when I was (almost) 30 too. Dating, and especially internet dating, does that to you. You're slower to jump into things because you've met every shyster in the country and you need to see more to believe that a guy is genuine. She's probably eyeing up your tinder profile and wondering why you're still swiping if you're really into her. She may be doing the same, or she may be logging in just to see if you are!

Take the chance. If this woman is worth a relationship she's worth a bold move. Delete your app and tell her you've met someone you like. Her reaction will tell you everything.

Skibunny77

Leggo, no offence, that approach sounds very complicated! Op don't over think it!! In my Tinder days after a few dates, if I liked someone, I'd just get straight to the point- 'Listen, I've really enjoyed our few dates, I'm not really interested in seeing anyone else at this stage and I'd like to see how we work out, just want to see what you think?' always worked for me.. Most people appreciate courage and honesty in these situations!

leggo

Is gauging whether someone is up for a relationship or not on your first few dates not perfectly normal?? Genuine question, that certainly seems to be the thing everyone I know who's dating wonders about after dates.

I'd never ask for a relationship after only a couple of dates. You just don't know someone enough to commit to them when you've only ever met them 3-4 times. That's why we date. That's why we text and get to know each other. That's why we get a sense for their personality and gradually escalate things rather than just laying it all on the table before you even really know each other. All I've really done is offer him some ways of gradually escalating it so it'll happen naturally and he won't have these doubts in his head.

I still stand by my feeling that if he's posting on boards that he's not sure, he's probably got some reason to do so, so is better off holding out a bit and testing the waters before going in too early. Generally you know when you're in a relationship, for me 'making it official' is more a formality as you're already pretty much there by the time you have the talk. If you're wondering if it's too soon, it probably is.

MeatTwoVeg

leggo wrote:

I'd never ask for a relationship after only a couple of dates. You just don't know someone enough to commit to them when you've only ever met them 3-4 times.

Commit to them?

You're not getting married. Is it that big an imposition to refrain from trying to have sex with other people when you're already having regular sex with someone else?

I'm not sure when this 'exclusivity' chat thing started, there was always an underlying assumption 'in my day' that if you were seeing someone regularly and having sex with them, you weren't going out trying to have sex with other people.

leggo

That's not how things are today though. People are getting married and having kids later than ever. The world is getting smaller through the internet and the likes of Tinder, the church's influence has dwindled with young people down to nothing, there's no pressure to shack up with the first person you go on a few dates with because now we have access to the entire planet on our smartphone. People are enjoying the moreish aspect of dating these days and seeing/chatting to multiple people at a time. They call it 'hookup culture', feel free to Google it if you haven't heard of it, it's a thing. So, in effect, asking someone to be exclusive now is essentially asking them to be in a relationship with you. There's zero practical difference.

When I'm dating someone I see myself in a relationship with, I won't have sex with anyone else. If I'm out I might kiss other people or take their numbers and I'd generally be texting people and keeping my options open until I commit to one person (and then I'll actually commit 100% when I do), but sex is more so I won't cross that barrier with more than one person. That's just me though, everyone has their limits and the unwritten rule is that nobody has any right to expect exclusivity until they ask for it.

I mean, this is how me and every single person I know in their 20's is doing it these days. It's the done thing. So I'm trying to advise based on what the real world of dating is like nowadays. I'm genuinely shocked people here are surprised by this. It's not uncommon at all.

batmanrobin

MeatTwoVeg wrote: »

I'm not sure when this 'exclusivity' chat thing started, there was always an underlying assumption 'in my day' that if you were seeing someone regularly and having sex with them, you weren't going out trying to have sex with other people.

It's an American thing which was popularised in sitcoms and seems to have exploded over here in the last decade or so. It definitely wasn't around when I was younger. When I was younger it was how you described it.

OP, why not just be up front and tell her you like her, you're only interested in seeing her and does she feel the same. I think the vast majority of people prefer when someone is just straight up with them. Less BS that way.

SarahMollie

beks101 wrote: »

Welcome to the 21st century meattwoveg
:-)

OP if it were me I'd be deleting my Tinder profile and then mentioning it to her. I know you want to keep your options open but life, and relationships, is about taking risks and sometimes you have to make that extra move out of your comfort zone when you really want something. Besides, tinder's not going anywhere. You can log back on in a few weeks if it all goes tits up.

Exactly this.

You obviously like this woman, so how often do you meet someone with real relationship potential? I know when I was single, I'd meet loads of people but it was rare enough that I could see any possibility of a future with someone.

When I first got with my OH about 3 years ago, he told me on our 2nd date that he'd gone out with another girl the night after our first date (prearranged obviously) He only told me this because he can't keep a secret to save himself and he seemed genuinely surprised that I wasnt keeping someone else on the long finger also. He then (some dutch courage involved) suggested we agree not to see anyone else and just date each other to see how it goes. I wasnt remotely put out that he'd gone on another date, as a first date means nothing, but I'm equally happy that it was stamped out nice and early.

We werent officially "in a relationship" until about 6 weeks later when he asked me to go with him to a friends wedding. He told me his friends were wondering what was going on, and I just smiled at him, until he revised that statement to say that he was wondering what was going on, and from that point onwards we were officially together.

The exclusivity early on was nice because it took away any game playing aspect, and then the conversation about being official, just really cemented what was already going on in reality.

BetsyEllen

My last relationship, we never had 'the talk'.
One day he asked me to be his plus one at a wedding, I said yes, does this mean I'm your girlfriend then? He said I guess it does...and that was that!

My advice would be to just not make a big deal of it, don't over think it - I'm sure that somewhere along the line a conversation will come up naturally where you can casually ask the question above, like I did (and SarahMollie's BF did!) and get your answer.

I posted this before I saw SM's post above, looks like you need to get invited to a wedding OP!!

Augme

I wouldn't mention it myself. If the question was put to me after 4 dates I'd say no. 4 dates is such a tiny amount that I most likely wouldn't be too sure how I see things going. Now it doesn't mean I don't want to see them or I don't like them, it just means I wouldn't be ready. Problem is a lot of people would view the "No, not yet." as a "No." mentally and it would most likely make things very awkward. I don't see what you have to gain from asking her now but I think you have something to lose. If she really likes you and wants it to be exclusive now then that will happen eventually anyway.

njs030

Treat people as individuals, do what feels right to you not what someone else thinks is right and for the love of god never describe relationship stuff as "game".

There's nothing wrong with sleeping with someone once or more without having a big discussion, not everyone waits 6 dates either....that's harking back to the rules though I don't think it's what penny meant.