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Wedding party members giving bigger gift

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  • 06-08-2016 7:20pm
    #1
    Elliott S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,475 ✭✭✭


    I was chatting to a friend who is going to be bridesmaid soon and she was talking about getting together the money to give a bigger than normal gift because she's a wedding party member.

    When I was a bridesmaid, I genuinely didn't know this was an expectation. :eek: I gave the gift that I usually would to any marrying couple (which was hard to afford at the time as I had just finished college and hadn't yet secured employment). I'm not sure I understand the thinking behind the wedding party giving bigger gifts. It's like you're being charged for it or something. And just because you've asked to be part of the wedding party, doesn't mean you can afford to be more generous!

    As well as that, now I know some wedding party members don't do much but wear a suit or dress that has been picked for them. But other wedding party members do help out the couple a lot. And on the day, the bride and groom need help with various things. So it seems strange to expect a bigger gift from the people you have chosen to give you a helping hand on the day.

    I just don't like the idea of wedding party members being thought ill of if they don't pony up "enough".

    So, is this thinking widespread? Did you give a bigger gift as a wedding party member? Did you expect bigger gifts from your wedding party?


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    #2
    The_Valeyard
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,452 ✭✭✭✭The_Valeyard


    Im confused.....

    Usually if your a groomsman/bridesmaid (excluding that thread, that shall not be mentioned) you are the one taken care of, free accommodation, suits, dresses, etc. You would give a normal gift, but nothing out of the ordinary.


    Normal gift is fine. This better not be some new trend that is starting off.


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    #3
    Estrellita
    Registered Users Posts: 638 ✭✭✭Estrellita


    Buy what you can afford, and forget expectations. Honestly, who is making all this stuff up?


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    #4
    Elliott S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,475 ✭✭✭Elliott S


    The_Valeyard wrote: »
    Im confused.....

    Usually if your a groomsman/bridesmaid (excluding that thread, that shall not be mentioned) you are the one taken care of, free accommodation, suits, dresses, etc. You would give a normal gift, but nothing out of the ordinary.

    That was what I thought too. Well, I wouldn't expect to have accommodation covered because I'd be going anyway even if I wasn't a bridesmaid but yeah, any of the stuff that you're required to wear needs to given to you.

    Well, I was oblivious when I was a bridesmaid! :D I don't know if it's a commonplace expectation at all.


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    #5
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Elliott S wrote: »
    That was what I thought too. Well, I wouldn't expect to have accommodation covered because I'd be going anyway even if I wasn't a bridesmaid but yeah, any of the stuff that you're required to wear needs to given to you.

    Well, I was oblivious when I was a bridesmaid! :D I don't know if it's a commonplace expectation at all.

    People should shove their expectations. Give what you can, not what somebody decides you should.

    I'm avoiding a cousins wedding because of all the expectations around it. I'm not giving up days of my holidays and spending close to 2k on all the events planned. I'm so glad it's in another country, but if it wasn't I'd book myself a flight to some nice spot and spend that money on a holiday, not a couple of days of obligations.


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    #6
    Elliott S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,475 ✭✭✭Elliott S


    Candie wrote: »
    People should shove their expectations.

    Well said, Candie, well said. :D

    Mother of god, what kind of events are planned at your cousin's wedding that you'd be down 2k if you were attending? :eek:


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    #7
    SEPT 23 1989
    Registered Users Posts: 43,024 ✭✭✭✭SEPT 23 1989


    Obviously


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    #8
    bisounours
    Registered Users Posts: 156 ✭✭bisounours


    I read the OP as members pooling together to buy a bigger gift, not necessarily spending more each. I often pool together with friends and family if I know recipients of the gift really want something but would be out of a single person/couple's budget. I don't have an issue with that.

    Hmm. Just re-read... If the wedding party member is not "getting money together" FROM OTHER PEOPLE", ignore my post


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    #9
    Elliott S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,475 ✭✭✭Elliott S


    bisounours wrote: »
    I read the OP as members pooling together to buy a bigger gift, not necessarily spending more each. I often pool together with friends and family if I know recipients of the gift really want something but would be out of a single person/couple's budget. I don't have an issue with that.

    Hmm. Just re-read... If the wedding party member is not "getting money together" FROM OTHER PEOPLE", ignore my post

    Sorry, yeah, it might be unclear. I meant she is trying to gather her own money to give a bigger gift.


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    #10
    Elliott S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,475 ✭✭✭Elliott S


    Mr.S wrote: »
    Exactly.

    If the couple you are giving the present to judge you for what you gave, then **** them.

    Don't worry about it :)

    It's awful to think of people being judged for the gift they give. I don't think it happens much, but I reckon it happens a small bit.


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    #11
    XR3i
    Site Banned Posts: 6,498 ✭✭✭XR3i


    Elliott S wrote: »
    I was chatting to a friend who is going to be bridesmaid soon and she was talking about getting together the money to give a bigger than normal gift because she's a wedding party member.

    When I was a bridesmaid, I genuinely didn't know this was an expectation. :eek: I gave the gift that I usually would to any marrying couple (which was hard to afford at the time as I had just finished college and hadn't yet secured employment). I'm not sure I understand the thinking behind the wedding party giving bigger gifts. It's like you're being charged for it or something. And just because you've asked to be part of the wedding party, doesn't mean you can afford to be more generous!

    As well as that, now I know some wedding party members don't do much but wear a suit or dress that has been picked for them. But other wedding party members do help out the couple a lot. And on the day, the bride and groom need help with various things. So it seems strange to expect a bigger gift from the people you have chosen to give you a helping hand on the day.

    I just don't like the idea of wedding party members being thought ill of if they don't pony up "enough".

    So, is this thinking widespread? Did you give a bigger gift as a wedding party member? Did you expect bigger gifts from your wedding party?

    tldr


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    #12
    Elliott S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,475 ✭✭✭Elliott S


    XR3i wrote: »
    tldr

    tsdr


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    #13
    XR3i
    Site Banned Posts: 6,498 ✭✭✭XR3i


    omg i'm getting married this month


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    #14
    This Fat Girl Runs
    Registered Users Posts: 1,776 ✭✭✭This Fat Girl Runs


    Elliott S wrote:
    I was chatting to a friend who is going to be bridesmaid soon and she was talking about getting together the money to give a bigger than normal gift because she's a wedding party member.


    Maybe it's your friend thinking this is an obligation and no one but herself is expecting her to give a bigger gift. She might have just got it into her head somehow?


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    #15
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Elliott S wrote: »
    Well said, Candie, well said. :D

    Mother of god, what kind of events are planned at your cousin's wedding that you'd be down 2k if you were attending? :eek:

    There's a few events in their religion, and I'd need a traditional outfit for every event, and that's before the wedding, and the gift on top of that, and it's not including the flights I'd have to pay for to get there. The guestlist is at 700 ish at the moment.


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    #16
    XR3i
    Site Banned Posts: 6,498 ✭✭✭XR3i


    This Fat Girl Runs wrote: »
    Maybe it's your friend thinking this is an obligation and no one but herself is expecting her to give a bigger gift. She might have just got it into her head somehow?

    i was nearly late for work there weeks ago on account of a weding,

    the dopey ffers blocking the public roadway and bloweing their horns, as if anmy of teh rest of ud give a **** ,


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    #17
    lollpop
    Registered Users Posts: 159 ✭✭lollpop


    Give what you can afford.
    Having said that, in my experience the wedding party normally do give 'bigger' presents. The reason being that they are usually very close to the couple. When I was bridesmaid (twice) I gave a bigger present than I normally would because they were my best friends who I've known all my life and I'm very close to. I didn't do it because it was expected.


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    #18
    Elliott S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,475 ✭✭✭Elliott S


    This Fat Girl Runs wrote: »
    Maybe it's your friend thinking this is an obligation and no one but herself is expecting her to give a bigger gift. She might have just got it into her head somehow?

    Yeah, could be! There's all sorts of crap surrounding weddings.


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    #19
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Yeah it's fairly standard from my experience. I gave bigger presents when was in the wedding party, even if I didn't know that it's done I would have automatically given more when I was asked to be involved in the day.


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    #20
    Elliott S
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,475 ✭✭✭Elliott S


    Rosalyn Jolly Supervisor wrote: »
    Yeah it's fairly standard from my experience. I gave bigger presents when was in the wedding party, even if I didn't know that it's done I would have automatically given more when I was asked to be involved in the day.

    Why though? I don't understand that thought process. I mean, it's work being involved in the day, even if it is an honour. If anything, less should be expected of the wedding party though the point that another poster made that she gave extra because they were close friends was a good one.

    I would just hope it's not expected of wedding party members and the consensus here seems to be that it's generally not.


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    #21
    foggy_lad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,373 ✭✭✭✭foggy_lad


    lollpop wrote: »
    Give what you can afford.
    Having said that, in my experience the wedding party normally do give 'bigger' presents. The reason being that they are usually very close to the couple. When I was bridesmaid (twice) I gave a bigger present than I normally would because they were my best friends who I've known all my life and I'm very close to. I didn't do it because it was expected.

    I wouldn't be expecting anything bigger from best friends, the opposite in fact, they would be getting more out of the day hopefully than the ordinary invited guests.


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    #22
    Samaris
    Registered Users Posts: 6,544 ✭✭✭Samaris


    Mod: Moving this to the Weddings forum. Please read the charter there before continuing the discussion.


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    #23
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    I give larger gifts to closer friends. If your part of the wedding party that's a proxy for being close to the happy couple.

    I've no expectations for receiving gifts - one of my BMs is a student so I'll try get her to help out with wedding DIY stuff as a gift and tell her not to worry about spending money she doesn't have.


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    #24
    XR3i
    Site Banned Posts: 6,498 ✭✭✭XR3i


    bridezilla


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    #25
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    XR3i wrote: »
    bridezilla

    Who?


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    #26
    XR3i
    Site Banned Posts: 6,498 ✭✭✭XR3i


    GingerLily wrote: »
    Who?

    i'm getting married this summer


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    #27
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    XR3i wrote: »
    GingerLily wrote: »
    Who?

    i'm getting married this summer

    I was asking who was a bridezilla! I must have missed it on the thread.


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    #28
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Elliott S wrote: »
    Why though? I don't understand that thought process. I mean, it's work being involved in the day, even if it is an honour. If anything, less should be expected of the wedding party though the point that another poster made that she gave extra because they were close friends was a good one.

    I would just hope it's not expected of wedding party members and the consensus here seems to be that it's generally not.

    I just feel myself it's the right thing to do. You are probably a bit closer friends also so would want to give a bit more. Same as you would give more again to a close family member above what you would give a friend who's wedding party you were in.


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    #29
    Addle
    Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Addle


    As a member of a wedding party, I gave a bigger and more personal gift as I was closer to the couples than some other couples whose weddings I've been too.
    I don't give the same at every wedding-it depends on the connection.


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    #30
    PandaPoo
    Registered Users Posts: 4,977 ✭✭✭PandaPoo


    I had 4 bridesmaids and not one of them gave a gift, but I didn't care. They did me a favour by being my bridesmaid :)

    The groomsmen did give more than other guests, €250 each! Thought that was crazy!


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    #31
    Shybride2016
    Registered Users Posts: 460 ✭✭Shybride2016


    I was bridesmaid to my friend a few months before I got married so I've two experiences of being in the wedding party.

    When I was bridesmaid, for the wedding present I gave the couple a restaurant voucher to the value I would usually get for a close friend getting married.

    For her hen weekend, the bridesmaids chipped in together and bought loads of bits and bobs for the people on the hen including the bride so she didn't have to spend as much as the others while we were away.

    A few weeks before the wedding I made up a mini hamper with a few bits I knew she'd like but didn't have the budget for (wedding day Yankee candle, Swarovski pen for signing the register, a framed group photo of all of us on her hen weekend and a couple more things I can't remember just now).


    For my own wedding i wouldn't have expected any gift from my maid of honour as her help and support during the wedding planning was priceless. She came with me dress shopping, shoe shopping, came to the venue when they had a fair on as I wanted her opinion on a few things etc.

    I paid for everything wedding related for her (dress, shoes, hair, makeup, tan, nails, jewellery, hotel). For my hen she organised the whole weekend herself - stressful! We went to a show the second night and she paid for my ticket which I didn't know until the week before. She organised so many lovely surprises for me which hopefully didn't cost too much but the thought and effort she put in was again priceless to me.

    I genuinely did not want any gift from her as she had given me so much already before the wedding day. I did ask for a card though! She very generously gave us a gift of money which was way more than she should have but from reading other replies is about the same amount as people give close friends.

    That is my long-winded way of saying don't put yourself under pressure to give a certain amount of money as a gift. Your time and support and help will be much appreciated by the bride and groom. Offer to help with whatever you can and even little token gestures at the hen will mean so much to her. She's picked you to be a big part of her day, not because she wants a big present from you but because you're obviously very close.

    Please don't stress about money/presents. Weddings and particularly being part of the bridal party is not about that!


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